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theworstbob · 7 years

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yellin’ at songs, 2.25.2017

or should i say, yellin’ at seangs this week! you know, ‘cuz of all the big sean they put in there, these are seangs this week, i say! my wit is grand and deserving of mass attention.

22) "No Favors," by Big Sean ft./Eminem 70) "Sacrifices," by Big Sean ft./Migos 74) "Halfway off the Balcony," by Big Sean 76) "Jump out the Window," by Big Sean 86) "Owe Me," by Big Sean 97) "Light," by Big Sean ft./Jeremih

...I prepared myself for a lot of things when I decided my weekly routine would include this silly project. Did I know I'd be listening to and thinking about a lot of songs I otherwise never would have made time for? That couldn't be avoided. Was I aware a song I loved and would stand up for could fall off the chart the very next week? It hurts that we lost "Run Up," but yes, I know no pop song is destined to hit the top 40. ...Did I prepare myself for six Big Sean songs. I was cognizant of a newly-released Big Sean album. Did I realize relatively deep Big Sean cuts would make their way into my life. Did I realize that, thanks to this fractured world where major artists give their preferred streaming service the right to be the sole host for their album, how difficult it would be to find a song with an Eminem feature on The You Tube. I worked harder to listen to "No Favors" than I ever otherwise would have. I could have said, "Eminem is on this track! I bet that's bad to listen to." Nope. I had to spend three minutes clickin’ on various YouTube videos until I found the actual song so I could confirm that Eminem is still not worth anyone's time, to say nothing for the time it took to find this song. Eminem describes himself as "rapey" and describes beating Jamie Lee Curtis with a spaceheater. Eminem, still incredibly not cool with the fact women are alive and breathing the same air as he does! Still thinking as he ever has, that one. Eminem turns 45 this year.

And then I remembered that I have Amazon Music, because I am a 51-year-old office manager who needs all the Steely Dan he can handle and is thus in the Amazon Music target market, and a cursory search showed that Big Sean did not make his album exclusive to one streaming service. So while I am not thrilled to put four other Big Sean songs into my life (there's an Official Video for "Halfway off the Balcony"), I am elated to give you a version of Yellin' at Songs which is complete and honest in its evaluation of every pop song to make its chart debut in 2017, except for the 1.7.2017 chart, that chart doesn't count for... some reason, don’t ask, I’m weird I AM PLEASED however, to report that my opinion on Big Sean is the same as it was when we discussed "Moves:" Big Sean has made great strides as a rapper, and while I wasn't looking forward to hearing any of these songs, I didn't mind them! Why, I downright enjoyed "Light," though I'm just a big fan in general of the first song of albums. (I like introductions. I like starting things. It's the middle and end parts here I'm like, enh, I don't know how to do this, but beginning a new thing is always a rush.) "Sacrifices" was also somewhere better than okay. So we have one song I'd be okay listening to again, one song I mostly enjoyed, one song that might end up being the worst thing I'd heard this year (remember that this year has included a Brantley Gilbert song and "Body Like a Back Road," and know that we're about to get to "Look at Me!"), and three other songs. Given that this easily could have been 24 minutes of nothing, I'll gladly take three songs I could have thoughts about!

43) "Believer," by Imagine Dragons

Listen, we have our fun with Imagine Dragons. It's pretty nuts that this is the biggest rock band we have going, imagine going back in time and playing this for Chuck Berry and telling him this song is a direct descendant of his work, but this song, it's pretty okay! It's a nice "love letter to the fans" sort of song, there's nothing terribly offensive about anything that's happening, it's a perfectly competent rock song that is going to serve well as the walk-up music for the Kansas City Royals' back-up utility infielder in two years' time. My opinion of this is absolutely colored by the fact that this song contains an itemized list. 1) I'll say the words in my head. 2) Don't tell me who you think I could be. 3) Thank God for the haters. 4) We made it, you and I, and I gotta give mad love to you, the fans. I dig any song with a list. I still defend Jay-Z's verse in "Monster" on the grounds that rap could use more lists.

68) "My Old Man," by Zac Brown Band

Before the Grammys hit, I went through every nominee field for Record of the Year to see how representative the Grammys had ever been of trends in pop music (spoiler: THEY NEVER WERE), and something I wanted to do was go through each year and determine the true Record of the Year field. I didn't have time for that because I started writing the post early Saturday morning and wanted to get it out before the Grammys started, but I ended up doing it anyway, and I present this to you: "Chicken Fried" absolutely would have been an ROTY nominee for the year 2009 if the Grammys had any got damn sense. I don't know if there's been a country song this country has been more in agreeance with since. Everything about that song works, it even earns the ode to the flag! 2009 wasn't one of the best music years in recent memory, either, you don't have to stretch the imagination to see a nice song about how great fried chicken getting ROTY consideration. Zac Brown Band puts out really solid country music. They're not Chris Stapleton-y throwbacks, they're not trying to revolutionize the genre, but they have their niche, and they know exactly how to operate within that niche. Most country songs about a strong paternal figure would be insufferable, but this is about as good as that sub-genre gets! Zac Brown Band, generally pleasant to hear since 2009!

87) "Beauty and the Beast," by Ariana Grande ft./John Legend

The least necessary thing on the planet is pop remixes of signature songs from Disney musicals. It only worked for Elton John, but those were songs he was writing, so that is a CLEAR EXCEPTION. The pop remix didn't work in the '90s, it didn't work with "Let It Go," and it doesn't work here. I REPEAT: Angela Lansbury or GTFO.

89) "I Don't," by Mariah Carey ft./YG

The most amazing line on Wikipedia is "Mariah Carey (born March 27, 1969 or 1970)." That says so much, and not all it says is about Mariah Carey, but we learn so much about Mariah Carey from that biographical tidbit. But why was I on Wikipedia looking up Mariah Carey's age? Because I just had to listen to a 39-year-old man sing a love song with a woman 15 years younger than him, and one of the reasons that Mariah Carey is a legend is that she is nearly 50 years old but still getting in those slinky dresses and getting 27-year-old gangsta rappers to write guest verses about how hot she is. That’s amazing. Like, think about female romantic leads in Tom Hanks movies for a second, or in Woody Allen movies, or in any movie, literally any movie, it’s always, the dude is hella old and the woman is portrayed by an early-20s ingenue, and here Mariah Carey is FLIPPING THE FUCKING SCRIPT. That’s what you get to fucking do when you’re a legend. Think about YG for a second. In the same 12-month span, YG released a song called "Fuck Donald Trump" and wrote a verse about proposing to Mariah Carey. That's not a mark against YG, that is a testament to Mariah Carey's legend, that we’re nearly 20 years removed from “Heartbreaker” but she still wields the same influence. I did not start writing this series about pop music to besmirch Mariah Carey's good name. What I think of this song is immaterial. She is a goddess come to earth, and her every movement is a blessing.

93) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini

So, I don't know about this song's long-term ability to stay on the chart. It's been out since last October, and it's apparently part of a popular Snapchat filter, and I'm not sure I'm ready for a world where songs can get big via Snapchat. I barely got used to Vine hits, now I've gotta worry about Snapchat? Anyhoo. Take a trip with me. On last year's year-end Hot 100, the hip-hop entries were all either trap or Drake, with the exception of "All the Way Up." It's been way too long since we've had a solid pop/rap song hit the charts. And this is such a blast! Even the rap singles I've enjoyed over the course of this project, they're still slightly ponderous. This young man just wants to eat candy, and it's like "Cake by the Ocean," yeah candy is a metaphor for something but this dude doesn't want you to think about it too hard, he just has this dope song you can enjoy. It's nice to hear music that isn't taking itself seriously. Bless you, friend.

94) "In Case You Didn't Know," by Brett Young

Meanwhile, the world has hundreds of versions of this exact pop/country song. We're all good. We don't need more. This is a new dude! How do they keep finding dudes like this to sing songs like this? Are they just in a mall somewhere scouting dudes like this in line at the Auntie Anne's? Do they just go to baseball games and look for tall dudes with stubble? Do they just carry guitars to karaoke bars, and when they hear a voice just nasally enough to be considered twangy they give him the guitar to hold for a few minutes and evaluate how hot he looks while holding that guitar and smiling? “Oh, yeah, that could be an album cover. I could see that on an album cover.” “So y’all from ar” “Shhh, shh shh shh, you talking ruins everything we like here.” Where do these guys COME FROM even?

95) "Look at Me!" by XXXTENTACION

But I kind of understand the appeal of bro country. At this point, when I see a white dude's name on the Billboard chart, I know I can expect one of two things: a fast jam about a hot summer night in a Chevrolet truck, or a slow jam about a hot girl the bro truly loves. And there's a certain safety when you know what to expect. If you feel safe enough in an environment, you'll want to spend more time in that environment, and if you spend enough time in that safe environment, you'll eventually call that place your home. This is all to say that, as I listened to "Look at Me!" I found myself appreciating the mundanity and predictability of "In Case You Didn't Know," and it takes a certain kind of aggressive unpleasantness to make me consider the bro-country universe's redeeming qualities. This song is horrendous. There's no musicality, the lyrics are the most misogynistic thing I've heard IN A WEEK WITH A FUCKING EMINEM VERSE, there's nothing here that suggests this is something meant to be enjoyed. Who is this for? Who's listening to this song that would subject themselves to it more than once? There is neither creativity nor artistry, just a horrible worldview presented abrasively. Y'all rejected "Run Up" for this and I will never forgive you.

Anyway, we’re a month and a half into this thing, and I think we’ve encountered enough Cs and C+s to expand the Top 10 into a Top 20! 20) "Road Less Traveled," by Lauren Alaina (2.11) 19) "I Don't," Mariah Carey ft./YG (2.25) 18) "El Amante," by Nicky Jam (2.18) 17) "Timeless," by A Boogie Wit da Hoodie ft./DJ SPINKING (1.14) 16) "Beibs in the Trap," by Travis Scott (1.21) 15) "My Old Man," by Zac Brown Ban (2.25) 14) "Castle on the Hill," by Ed Sheeran (1.28) 13) "Call Casting," by Migos (2.18) 12) "Running Back," by Wale ft./Lil Wayne (2.11) 11) "I'm Better," by Missy Elliott ft./Lamb (2.18) 10) "Way Down We Go," by Kaleo (1.14) 9) "Light," by Big Sean ft./Jeremih (2.25) 8) "Guys My Age," by Hey Violet (2.11) 7) "Good Drank," by 2 Chainz ft./Gucci Mane & Quavo (2.11) 6) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 5) "Shape of You," by Ed Sheeran (1.28) 4) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 3) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 2) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) 1) "Run Up," Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18)

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