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perceivenavy · 2 years

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WOW. Seriously. 2022

I am not sure what kind of transits are passing my natal chart atm, but this one hit home. Yesterday by an accident I found my super old Blogger account of like 2011. Obviously, it wouldn't be me, if I did not make a little activation of it, writing a post, telling that 'Oh you know, it's have been 3 years since my last post' :D Even though there is some sort of issue that it got private and I cannot see my super creative posts from so long ago. I only see them as drafts, but still cool tbh.

I DID NOT KNOW THAT TUMBLR IS STILL THERE. 2022 ANYONE HERE?

Well.......... Teo. I had a gooood laugh reading the posts down here in this very cute and super old account of mine.

I even responded to myself to some of my posts in comments. But wow. What I see here. A tiny 18-19 years girl as per my pots I was sometimes mentioning my age back then. Lot's of se....ual contect sort of posts. Lot's of 'Dear John' movie posts and Spongebob. Why? I just don't know.

But the other thing, it's not just finding and being surprised by a very old account that I didn't know existed still. But I found here a spirit of this tiny girl, who DREAMED BIG. The one who had her mind in clouds even while crossing the street there in Camden High Street that sometimes got nearly hit by cars and bicycles (it is a true story) She dreamed so so big, that I am jealous of her now.

The nice thing about all this that this sort of 'diary' has actually an explanation in the very first posts. It kept her dreaming, I think nobody has ever read this entire page. I said I will share one day these all posts with someone who was about all this. So yeah, if by any tiny possibility anyone had followed this account. So I want to let you know that manifestation does work :D I managed to meet that person again, many times, many mornings and nights. I noticed that I also wrote something about living in the other side of the planet. So yeah, I travelled, I am back now, for good and for a long time :) Back to the Northern part of the world. People grew up, I grew up, this is all I can say for now.

To be honest I feel so embarrassed by this account, but surely I won't be deleting any single post from here, nor even a re-tweet I did, I don't even know how these are actually called. Re-shares? :D Anyways.

I've found myself so many times wondering, where did these years go, I don't really have much memories from my childhood, as moving into different countries, leaving all the history behind. This one it's an excellent prove that I had sort of memories from the past. Internet is actually a nice thing sometimes. :)

Just a little note for myself. Teo, or how did I call myself that times as per my nickname? Perceive? Do you know why is actually Perceive as it's name of this account? That was my fav perfume. :D So, Teo, toughen up, keep dreaming big, you little witch.

Come back and conquer that world, with anchors, swords, anything you like, but keep dreaming good, and believe in good.

#2022 #tumblr #dearme

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necessaryvent · 2 years

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Nervous about being nervous. But fuck that. I will break that cycle.

Honestly, I'm probably going to write this journal as if you already know me. I might not always be bothered going into back stories. This really is my journal. You can read along for my hot mess moments - I'm sure you'll pick it all up in good time. This is first and foremost for me. I won't care if nobody reads. Honestly. I'm not here to impress. These are my most unfiltered thoughts. My therapy.

As my first post describes, I used to have a livejournal account but deleted it when I reflected on the fact that it's Russian owned. I am so sorry for the innocent Russians caught up in that conflict but I just have to do something that feels right for the common cause and I hope they will understand. Putin is a dick.

So here I am on Tumblr and tonight's journal entry is actually about my (kind of) ex husband. We are on good terms. We will reassess next year whether we want to reconcile or go ahead with divorce. Like I said, we've been getting along well. We have more cycles to break and more space that we need to keep between us while we work ourselves out as individuals. He needs to sort through some of his selfish shit and I need to be more selfish and also less co-dependent. Less triggered by him (doesn't mean some of his actions have been excusable or anything - just that I let him be my whole emotional world for so long and I want to know what it's like to not wrap my whole well-being and moods up in what he's doing or not doing). I want to know if one day we can be together without falling into old toxic patterns or whether we are better off as friends and family (we have kids). I don't want to be an emotional mess anymore in my life. Not over him. So we are taking time to work on ourselves and for me that means keeping a standard.

Anyway, we've been getting close and feeling more secure with each other. Optimistic even. There's a long way to go but we are remembering the good things about each other and feeling affection. We get together with the kids for family time and we are 99% getting along well. The other 1% is those triggering issues we are trying to watch out for which just reminds us why we are taking life very slowly and separately for the most part. No rushing in until we've given our all into healing and growing individually.

Anyway, I'm getting a little nervous now that we are getting along. We've set a date for a date. Without the kids. A silly event that we will both enjoy in November. It will be good timing to see if we really can catch up alone and have it be an indicator of future romance. Maybe shit will fall apart before then, maybe it won't. But after spending months just putting one foot in front of the other and being more 'present' instead of getting ahead of myself (my therapist would be impressed because I am great at being 500 steps ahead of myself), this makes me realise there are upcoming events that make me nervous. I keep reminding myself to stay in the here and now. To be philosophical about that November date. To not put extra pressure on myself or him and just let things flow until then.

I guess I feel nervous about feeling nervous. I feel like I am used to a pattern of him pulling the rug out from under us every time things get good. I remind myself that if he keeps doing that, it's just good information that supports us just being friends and that's OK. I'm strong. It took courage to separate. It has taken courage to be where I am now (living my worst fear which was being separated and all that came along with that). If I had to keep going alone I absolutely could. And with his friendship and support as the father of my kids I really could be OK too. Would I like romance and a beautiful future with us together as a healthy nuclear family? Of course! It's the dream, isn't it? And there is love and attraction between us. My genuine intuition says we are not done with one another. And if we are meant to be, then we have our whole lives ahead so may as well do things right.

But I don't want to get lost in a fantasy either. I want to be placed firmly in reality. I'll know when I know what I'm meant to know, you know?

I feel like maybe I'm ready to do some self sabotaging because I'm nervous so this journal entry is an attempt to remind myself not to do that. To take some space if I need to. Just be cool!

I am also writing this because I want to get that nervous energy and insecurity and potential to obsess over him out of my system for the night so I don't lose sleep over him (a thing I am working on not doing because I do not want to let him steal my energy anymore - I was so overly invested in his every little thought and action and I don't want to do that anymore no matter what happens between us).

Right now we are good. Right now a new week is about to begin. A busy week with my own life to think about. And I am glad I am finding myself again. That's important. So I can obsess over him in my journal for a few minutes but then I get back to me. Which is how it should be.

You have no idea how far I've come. Honestly. And I am determined to go further.

Goodnight new journal.

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keatulie · 5 years

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HEY so. I’ve had this tumblr about 7 years as of last week.

and now I’m over here!

@herb-acious

#I wanted herbaceous or herbacious but they're being squatted :C #I'm in the process of uploading the last couple months' worth of art there so that's all that's on it right now!#I wanted a fresh start but also. I'm so proud of my stuff lately I want it there too oops #I'm not deleting this blog tho! so feel free to keep reblogging from this one too #but there won't be anything new #and ofc if u contact me here I prob won't see it aha #nothing's properly tagged bc I'm worried abt spamming the tags when all my posts eventually show up #I think that's how it works gjfdk. I haven't had to make a new tumblr in a while #idk I've been doing a lot of cleaning of. old accounts. old desktop files. old stuff generally both digital and real #I just get rly antsy to dump stuff after a bit aha. idk if it's the add but. yeah.#problem is I'm also wildly nostalgic so if I have something long enough it's like... but.. the Everything.#but I thought it over and it feels satisfying enough.#tbh it was mostly that tumblr memories post saying 'hey you made this blog on the 3rd' that tipped me over to 'oh ok let's go'#anyway this is a rly long winded way of saying I've switched blogs hkgf

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erin-epica · 4 years

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Woop-de-doo, it's Lord Scarlet stuff part 2

This was a post I planned on making WAY sooner, but I accidentally lost the original draft so I didn't even bother to try doing it gain until recently. And just now something happened that changed everything; and I mean what both DID and DIDN'T automatically give me the right to post this. I almost deleted my first post at that, and here's why:

In the first post, I mentioned that when I initially found out Vic was lying to me, I was quiet about it and just stopped talking to her out of fear, and then when I asked for help on what to do I was told to leave without a word. I don't think that was entirely the right thing to do in the long run, because it may have been the easiest way out but I'm better off with proper closure.

And the thoughts she left me scarred with never left my head. Time and time again, I'd find myself crying myself to sleep again at the thought of Brock forced to hide romantic feelings for Master Frown and not know who he was anymore while Frown was left unaware and in love with someone else, even if it wasn't Lord Scarlet.

And the pain sometimes came with a want to confront Vic one last time and open up to her about how I wasn't blind anymore, and how much she really hurt me. But I, again, wass scared she wouldn't care and would cut me off.

So when the pain got worse, I did what any coward would do: tell everyone else about my pain.

Now I DID tell friends of mine other than the Unikitty Amino staff about what happened, and they were all sympathetic and understanding about it. But then I told almost everyone, and then made my vent post on here (as well as Wattpad). As much as I wouldn't want to call them call out posts, they might as well have been. I didn't want people to harass Vic and make her mad...but at the same time I kinda did. I was too scared to face her that I was hoping that someone would do it for me. I even tagged accounts of Vic's. Not cool of me at all.

Now the Tumblr and Wattpad posts got me pretty much more of the same: sympathy, and acceptance that I had moved on. No one came after Vic but we could still agree that none of her actions were justified (I even got @careeningle's attention...sorry about the aneurysm)

Now comes the next important thing that happened, because I mentioned @friffinx kinda being responsible for me getting back to the Lord Scarlet Amino to write the message that I did. In it, I said that after I sent the message I did I would leave the Amino again & for good.

Well...I lied. I still checked in every day for the same reason I started venting: I kinda wanted Vic to see my message. Even if she'd ban me, I wanted to see if she'd ever notice my message. And that would've been the end of it if it wasn't for Brook.

I briefly mentioned Brook in the last post. She was another OC of Vic's, and was exactly to Brock what Lord Scarlet was to Master Frown; a carbon copy love interest. Except Lord Scarlet was far more developed and drawn & written about more. Brook didn't even really have a distinct personality, she was a girl Brock and that was it. But with reptilian overlord eyes. (To be fair, Vic drew Brock like that sometimes too)

(I didn't include Vic's art unless it was in chat bgs or whatever in the last post, but for the sake of referencing/proving a point, this is what Brook looks like)

No one really paid attention to her for the longest time. She was there in the fanfics because according to Vic, "Scarlet needed a friend." And like I said in the first post, Brook wasn't said to be canon so I never found a reason to really care for her. Plus I can only recall someone giving Vic fanart with her, and it was with Scarlet (@plastic-papercuts made it, go follow her she's gr8).

But then one day, for some reason, something in me clicked. I actually thought of a story idea for her. Somehow this bland cutout of a character had potential in my eyes, and I weirdly started liking her because of it. She suddenly felt...more real. I got pretty invested in my idea and newfound interpretation of Brook, and describing it would make this post way longer than it is so if anyone asks about it, I'll probably make a whole other post about it.

Anyway, I came up with a little plan: draw out this idea in the form of a comic and post it to the Lord Scarlet Amino. And see if Vic gets suspicious and checks out my profile and then maybe bans me. It felt a bit better than total silence and she'd probably see that someone gave a crap about Brook after all.

So I started a new chat called "It's Brook" to share my progress with the other members of the Amino, which there weren't too many of but we had fun in it. It was basically me, @friffinx , @soapycocacola, @plastic-papercuts, and a few others who aren't on Tumblr (or at least don't think are) chatting about how awful Vic was and calling out her lazy art tactics like tracing and using assets/clips right from the show. And of course me sharing the comic progress I was making. Again, this doesn't make anything we did right but it felt good getting everything off our chests. We were like a secret rebellion against an absentee dictator. One time Vic came online as we were chatting and even viewed my profile, but nothing happened. And it stayed that way until I opened Amino up one morning. For those of you who don't have it, the menu shows all the communities you're in when you open the app, and all of mine were there except for the Lord Scarlet Amino. I assumed I must've been banned overnight. But I wasn't banned from Vic's other Amino so I commented on her wall on that one. For Vic's sake, I won't show how the conversation went (and I'll explain why at the end) but here's how it went:

Me: Did you ban me from the LS Amino?

Her: There was drama in one of the chat rooms and I'm not having it. I didn't want to do it and it's not a big deal It's just an amino and you're still on this one AM I RIGHT?

Me: Yes, but I assume you read my updated bio. As I hoped you would.

Her: Nope.

Me: Oh. But you know what? Ban me from here too for all I care, I feel like you deserve to know why I left and came back: *insert me finally telling her how I know she lied, that she hurt me, and what I did was wrong here*

Her: Lol ok be that person but keep in mind that I'm one of those people that doesn't gibe a fuck lol

And then she banned me from that Amino too before I could type and submit a fitting farewell reply.

At least I finally got all the built-up emotional pain out of me, but it did help me realize something important: we never really were friends. I wanted more of her content despite all her red flags as a person so I tried enduring them, thinking it'd be worth it, and she only kinda cared about me when I was being a yes man. She never kept any promises and didn't respect me the same way I did her. So I could at least feel confident knowing she most likely didn't care at all when I first left.

@friffinx and the others didn't get banned, though, and Friff even started another chat on the LS Amino called "It's Brook 2" where they talked more about Vic being a terrible person. And it didn't take long for her to shut that chat down too and ban everyone from it that time. Friff sent me screenshots of what happened next (which again, I'm not gonna show), where Vic basically had a meltdown. She changed her username to "Little Miss Guillotine", and made a post about her being "finished with the bushit". In it, she announced that she didn't even like Unikitty! anymore but was still gonna keep/use Lord Scarlet because she wanted to. The part that made my blood almost boil wasn't her views on the show, she's free to have her opinion and I couldn't care less about it. What DID was that she acknowledged that she lied the whole time because "she didn't care anymore" and said that it was "our faults for believing it in the first place" and that "we needed to grow up"/"stop brining it up"

Ooooh boy, victim blaming, my favortie...

Since then she changed the Lord Scarlet Amino's theme to make it about The Penguins of Madagacar (again, fine with me). Either way she was still a narcissist and I thought she'd, sadly, likely never change. And my friends and I all thought that was the end of it.

Until a few hours ago...

I was browsing the Unikitty Amino and saw a new member named BlueCat. Didn't think anything else of it until the user PMed me. And this is what happened:

I didn't know what to think other than "I thought this day would never come", I was that shaken. This was so left field-ish that what else could I do but believe her? It didn't even seem suspicious or like she was trying to be a suck up, that wasn't Vic at all.

But the one thing I knew I had to do was ban her because even if she meant well and did it for the right(?) reasons, but I still asked if I should in the staff chat. @girly-glorious (also amazing so pls check her out :D) told me that yes, it was ban evasion so since I'm a leader too now I could to it on my own. But I knew I had to message Vic first and Girly told me to be careful, so this is what I sent:

And then I banned her, the end (not really)

Now I don't understand how or why this sudden behavior change happened but I don't know if I should question it in case it's personal. But again, I at least want to believe that she's really being genuine and had a change of heart because never in a million years could I imagine her being this mature. Again, she didn't demand that I forgive me or probably even expect me to. But the message still does leave me feeling sorry for her.

Now I thought that was the real end of it until I see the Penguins of Madagascar/old Lord Scarlet Amino on my sideboard.

She unbanned me.

Now I don't know where we'll go from here, if anywhere. I'm not too sure if I can really let my guard down around someone who hurt me so badly just in case she does it again. So I may not talk to her again, but if she really asks something from me, I might try and build up courage to ask her more about how she came to apologizing to me. Plus she followed me on Wattpad too.

But this is why I didn't show our conversation right before my ban or her "f.u." posts. Because I don't want people seeing more of Vic's past behavior and possibly embarrassing her about it if she ever sees this. But that's kinda why I felt like it was 100% necessary to finally make a sequel post in the end; I'm hoping people at least acknowledge Vic has changed and don't keep thinking about based on what I shared out of attempts to gain sympathy like a crybaby.

So before I go: PLEASE, DON'T GO AFTER OR HARASS VIC. I KNOW YOU PROBABLY WON'T, BUT THIS IS SERIOUS. ALL THE PROBLEMATIC LORD SCARLET DRAMA IS STUFF OF THE PAST AND NEITHER OF US WANT TO KEEP LOOKING BACK ON IT.

I hope this helps whoever's reading as much as it did me.

#unikitty #unikitty!#master frown #brock #lord Scarlet #brook #vic #vicslayer #scream queen savage #Victoria #update #amino

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perceivenavy · 2 years

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O.M.G. 2022

WOW. Seriously.

I DID NOT KNOW THAT TUMBLR IS STILL THERE. 2022 ANYONE HERE?

Well.......... Teo. I had a gooood laugh reading the posts down here in this very cute and super old account of mine.

I even responded to myself to some of my posts in comments. But wow. What I see here. A tiny 18-19 years girl as per my posts I was sometimes mentioning my age back then. Lot's of se....ual contect sort of posts. Lot's of 'Dear John' movie posts and Spongebob. Why? I just don't know.

But the other thing, it's not just finding and being surprised by a very old account that I didn't know existed still. But I found here a spirit of this tiny girl, who DREAMED BIG. The one who had her mind in clouds even while crossing the street there in Camden High Street that sometimes got nearly hit by cars and bicycles. She dreamed so so big, that I am jealous of her now.

Come back and conquer that world, with anchors, swords, anything you like, but keep dreaming good, and believe in good.

#2022 #tumblr #dearme

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