#anyway. back to the original point. is blogging narcissistic? lol

[notyouraryang0dd3ss]

Hi there, first time interacting with you but I'm an OG hater. I remember when TS started getting popular back when Fearless was new and I was in high school I could not see the appeal and I felt like I was the odd one out for disliking her. The more I saw of her the more annoyed I got. Ever since I became woke to narcissism, so many things made sense to me in retrospect and I finally realized I have been right since the beginning. I guess I just had a narcissism radar back then without really knowing what it was from having an abusive narcissistic family but not knowing it.

Anyway, this isn't directly related to disliking TS but this ask was triggered by you mentioning that TikTok bastardizes ideas and concepts. I saw a post on another anti blog (don't remember which) but it reblogged a Swiftie post that said some people aren't intelligent or thoughtful and that's okay. It irked me because I have been seeing sooooo many people post [blah blah blah Stupid Thing] and ending it with "and that's okay". It also comes off as condescending. I just feel like that is misused therapy language and used to excuse horrible behavior. Idk if anyone can understand but I thought I'd just shout this into the void and look for what comes back. -🌸

good for you for picking up her narcissistic behavior so fast! i’m sorry you faced so much narcissistic abuse but i’m so glad you’re still here.

i was really young when fearless came and wasn’t really cognizant of her until Red, which is when she entered pop (i think). my childhood ex best friend loved fearless and i remember being like “ew” but in retrospect of our friendship, it makes sense she was a swiftie (she loved to call people out, but when she was wrong she would start crying and say she felt ‘so guilty’ for doing that to said person. so centering herself when she was the person who caused harm).

oh i completely agree. i cant go on tiktok because even seeing the reposted stuff on instagram/tumblr pisses me off so much for the reasons you listed above. i call it “nobody did the required readings” for what they’re talking about. and it does feel condescending! it’s usually used to belittle/patronize people right? idk i can’t stand tiktok because of the way so much language is misused to the point where it is the exact opposite of its original meaning/intent. god i hate that app lol

#anti taylor swift #ask #notyouraryang0dd3ss #anti swifties #tiktok #taylor swift critical #i really need to fix my tagging system #🌸

[2slowgoers]

back, 2 years later

dear W,

wow, what a spontaneous decision and day that we decided to come back to this tumblr. i had basically given up before because i didn’t remember the log in information, but realized it was surprisingly easy to figure it all out once i did some digging. it just required me to do some digging, and i managed to do it at my desk this morning at work, lol! anyways, as mentioned earlier, i’ll spend this post writing about some reflections of the past two years, but first i’d like to start with my thoughts from today and what i want to share with you.

i originally wanted to go to ymca after work, i usually cycle on wednesday nights (like this would have only been the 3rd wednesday since i joined the ymca in september). i remember a few weeks ago we had this very very very old black man as a sub teacher, he must have been in his 80s. i could barely understand him because his voice was very hoarse and not clear, cuz he was old, but boy were his legs FIT and boy, could he CYCLE. but i had to poop way too bad today by 6pm because jetlag, and i had 1 cup of coffee (to combat jetlag), so I decided to walk home. the walk home was very meditative. i listened to some korean ballads. i love walking lake merritt as my commute, i actually recognize the dogs and humans now! and notice the many birds in the dirty water and the sky is so pretty. there are a lot of runners. and a lot of dogs, the dogs make my day. i love observing the similarities of the dogs with their owners.

work has been relaxing so far because i have learned not to take it too seriously. i appreciate my coworkers because many of them are like me, and are chill and good human beings. though there are the few narcissistic people, ugh. but i like taking the slow pace i do at work and still perform pretty well, and be a team member people appreciate having around. i shadowed an in person interview today of this white guy who went to uchicago and he had a patagonia vest and was bad at verbal communication. it was a bad interview, i feel bad for him, because he seems so smart. i realized i wanted to like him so bad, but just couldn’t? then i remembered how hard it is to interview and how stressful it was. i can’t believe we are now at a point in our careers where we are interviewing others haha.

okay, that’s enough tangents.

reading our posts from 2 years ago was very “awwwww, my heart”. it sounded like we both had our anxieties. you were getting impatient at home and frustrated with family, i sounded like i had a HORRIBLE time at my internship ha and was so anxious about jobs. i’m so happy to see the progress we have made since then. a lot has changed, but a lot also hasn’t. my dreams/bucket list goals from back then have not changed :) and i still haven’t gotten my permit yet, but I have my DMV written test scheduled for THIS SATURDAY!! Yay! we have hit some of our goals, like the fact that you’re currently enrolled in painting class! anyways, i think it is quite funny that my goals have not changed much. blogging is still a #1 goal of mine. and though i’ve been quiet about it in general, i have been thinking and planning and strategizing a LOT. and i have some things in the plans, that i am not quite ready to reveal to the world yet. in the past i revealed things too quick and that made me struggle, so this time i am going to prepare behind the scenes a bit before sharing. i will let you know once i feel a bit more confident/comfortable.

speaking of, i have been studying a lot of the people i follow on social media and their ages and see that people get comfortable and confident in their creations the older they get, like late twenties. ive been finding that pretty reassuring and inspiring, knowing that we will settle into ourselves the older we get. tbh i feel like the 3 years after college is like freshman year for adulthood all over again, and afterwards, we go through the same kind of development as we did in college, and slowly mature and know ourselves better. having turned 25, i just hope that this year will be that for me. i mean the fact that i started this year off already with a broken friendship with T has already helped me better realize what i want in my life anyway.

i know it’s easy for me to look back and feel like i’m still a failure. but i try to remember that each of the past years, full of struggles and challenges as they were, there was also a lot of growth. i appreciate you being there for me all this time. it’s also interesting how time seems to both slow down and speed up, speed up as in time passes faster but less change occurs. i notice that in my older roommates that 1 year is not a lot of time and waiting for things to happen in 1-2 years is not a lot compared to 1-2 years at this point in our lives, so much change can happen. i am hoping for my 25th year to be one where i can finally speak up about myself, my thoughts, openly to the public and not feel like i have to repress any part of myself. which i have been doing for so long. slowly, but surely. 23 was a year of intense transitions, 24 was a year of more minor but lots of transitions, but i ultimately got to where i wanted to be. so that is reassuring.

(jetlag is hitting me, so apologies if my writing is incoherent)

as for future plans, and as i mentioned over text, the trip has helped me realize how much i missed learning and being in a school environment and just having readings and getting to discuss with classmates. and you know, be in this space where people care about the same things and talk about it? that’s what i really enjoyed about the decolonization panel in berlin, it was a space for people to talk, think, and just discuss for the sake of discussing. not a common opportunity for people of color in general. we could let our imaginations and questions wander and share a space. which is why i was bothered when my thoughts on the panel were dismissed and none of the actual discussion was appreciated or properly evaluated. i miss those spaces. i also envy S’s life sometimes, because he gets to work for a mission and cause that all his coworkers share and there is this camaraderie in researching global infectious diseases. it’s just a beautiful thing to observe and something i want to have for at least a couple of years. besides grad school, i want to spend my gap year traveling asia in more depth. and ideally over land, without much flying. there is so much i want to see and learn and document. i want to finally be able to spend some time on my interests like more environmental/naturey things (volunteering) or trekking & camping in mountains...etc and studying resources and how resources are used in the world. i have so many questions and so many curiosities.

sometimes i get overwhelmed by all my nichey interests and struggle to articulate them, then i start getting worried how i will be able to fit all my nichey interests into my life and balance it all. i guess the only way to know is to start doing these things and see where it goes. and i am working on it! i swear! it’s all just happening silently or i am not promoting what i’m doing very much, because a lot of it is so personal. S and I had a brief tough talk about this topic - he wanted to see me take more action and when i said i was, he didn’t really believe me because i never talk about it, and i told him i intentionally don’t talk about some of the things i think about or are working on because they are just so personal. i hope i can relax more in time with sharing the work i am putting into myself and trying to create.

anyhoo, i’m very happy we are getting back into writing and sharing with each other (not like we don’t already do it). i know this post was a lot of “I” and focused on myself. please do know that i don’t expect you to write in response to the things i write. i would love to see a post written by you, also centered on you :)

[falconemuses]

One Last Original Content(TM) Post Before I Migrate To The “Diary-Only” Blog

in case the title is misleading, i ought to clarify that i’m still keeping this blog open, just that it’ll only be for reblogs, while all personal text stuff will be in Falcone Chronicles. (it’s still empty at the moment.) easier to find shit that way. anyway, i thought i should probably give an update on my current life situation, since the last time i wrote at length i think was pre-moving, and stuff was all dicey back then so i’m afraid i might have inadvertently caused people to worry because of the (relative) radio silence. i mean, i do reblog stuff so clearly you know i’m still alive, but probably you might be wondering about everything else i said i was doing/going to do. a bit egoistic of me to assume that the affairs of my life are cause for interest to anyone else, but, well, on more than one occasion i’ve found out that my existence apparently meant more to someone else than i thought it did, and it was really awkward and everything but anyway, the point is, i guess i’ll just be on the safe side and give an update so nobody worries. probably better to be perceived as narcissistic than to accidentally freak somebody out making them wonder indefinitely what the fuck happened to me.

in summary, 3 things happened: a) i graduated from university b) i got a job c) i moved out of my parents’ house technically i start work in august, but i list it in that order because i got the job offer before i moved out, so to my mind that comes first chronologically. so....that’s why i haven’t been writing very consistently in july. there was a lot of stuff going on, pre-work health checkup, two graduations - two (2)!!! i didn’t want to go for either of them, but you know how asian parents get with their kids’ achievements. i figured since i’m already being an unfilial child and moving out of their house and paying some random landlord rent instead of giving them the rent money (i’m still giving them money, just not as much as i could have if i wasn’t also paying rent), i might as well just give them this one pleasure. there’s free food at the ceremonies, anyway, so i saved on two days of food. they’re going to both of my brother’s graduations as well. and yes, that apostrophe is in the correct place. i have one brother. he has two (2) degrees as well. we are overachieving siblings. i pity my sister. maybe by the time she’s old enough for university she’ll be pressured into taking 3.

so.....that’s what i’ve been doing for the past month! enjoying independent life. everything’s.....pretty good so far. i didn’t get as much done as i’d envisioned i would before the move, but that’s fine, i guess. i wrongly assumed i’d have the entire july to draw and write and compose but uhhhh nope there was graduation(s) and there was pre-work health checkup and there was graduation photoshoot and there was me being an idiot and signing up for a career focus group even though i already have a job secured. i did get $20 for participating, so LOL. for a while i attempted to SocialiseTM by joining this “art journaling” club in which you meet every monday night and draw stuff according to a theme the group leader will suggest, and then after you draw you share about the stuff, but uhhh.........nope. HAHA. the point was really to try and become more......i don’t want to say “neurotypical”, because that makes it sound like i’m not - uhhhhh, i don’t know how to explain this - i wanted to be “perfect”. like connor the android from dbh. “my appearance and voice were specifically designed to enhance my integration with humans”/ “i can be whatever you want me to be, lieutenant. your partner, your buddy to drink with, or just a machine, accomplishing a task.” i wanted to be the Model Citizen, “always accomplish(ing) my mission”. and like, i have my academics, i have my music, i have my art - but my social skills.......are shit, to put it bluntly. and like that’s been the biggest problem in my life. that’s why i gave up law to go into scientific research. the workload doesn’t faze me, it’s the social aspect of the law industry that scares me. like, my friends who are working now, they have to go to their bosses’ CNY parties?!?!?! i will just die, okay??! in the lab, i don’t have to worry about the appropriate amount of eye contact to make. i don’t have to make small talk. i don’t have to worry about body language because i’ll just be hunched over my microscope and my specimens all day long. my boss and colleagues won’t care if i can’t understand their jokes over drinks nights. and.....i’m really, really happy to have this job, don’t get me wrong, it is like, 90-95% of the way to an ideal situation already (the ideal situation would be a microbiology or genomic lab, not radiobiology, but what even are the odds of getting exactly what you want? this is already as close to perfect as possible, and i’m really glad for it.) but sometimes i feel like a failure, giving up on a lucrative career because i didn’t want to put the effort into improving my social skills. but then again, i moved out because i didn’t wanna act for my parents, so why the hell should i have to act for strangers? so i decided, fuck it, i’m gonna just - be me, i guess. i’m gonna do whatever the fuck weird things i wanna do so long as they don’t hurt anybody. if i wanna eat the same fucking thing every day imma do it. if i wanna sit at my computer and rewatch a 3-second clip of a cat saying “nooooo” for hours on end i’mma do it. if i don’t wanna hang out i shan’t hang out. i’m done trying to please everyone. i earned my freedom (well, technically still paying for it, i have SO MUCH STUDENT LOANS :O) and i’m gonna spend it damn well how i please. it ain’t illegal nor morally wrong to sit at home and stare at fish all day.

that.....turned into a bit of a weird rant there, but it’s not too overly emotional or depressing so i guess i’ll leave it up, lol. anyway, there you go, that’s what i’ve been up to. see you in the other blog, if you wanna read about my personal life. if not, well - see you in this one, in which i just reblog stuff? lmao. BAI.

#personal #text #life updates #HENCEFORTH ALL PERSONAL SHIT SHALL MOVE INTO THE PROPER DIARY #so as not to disturb people who are just here for lightheartedness and comedy with unnecessary angst and awkwardness and brainwork