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tommysparker · 3 years

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Never Forget You [Chapter 4]

A/N: hey y’all. just wanna say sorry for the posting schedule change. life is about to get hella hectic with school and the move sooo yeah. every second Saturday I will be posting! it’ll defiantly give me a chance to write more as well so im not rushing out chapters. anyways ive rambled long enough, enjoy :)

Warnings: angst. theres fluff too but its fluffy angst?? im not sorry hehe. long italic paragraphs = flashbacks.

From an outside perspective, one would assume the four of them were deep in thought, perhaps even communicating telepathically via the Force. They would only be half correct, as all of the Jedi were indeed thinking, but none of their trains of thought overlapped.

Anakin and Ahoska were in the pilot seats, glancing at each other every other minute or so. They could feel the tension build thicker with every passing planet. The only sound filling the room was the faint running of the engine that kept the ship moving.

You and Obi-Wan sat across from each other, neither one daring to make eye contact. Apparently, he was quite serious about the “not speaking from now on” agreement. It’s for the best, you kept telling yourself. However, the awkward silence that filled the ship made it harder to believe that.

Out of all the things that could happen to you at the moment, this was by far the worst.

On Gyfil, you had grown quite used to the sound of silence. In fact, over time you began to prefer it as opposed to the buzz of the towns. However, this was a different type of silence, one that had you bouncing your knee in anticipation for Anakin to announce you finally landed.

Master Yoda had called you all for a mission briefing. There was a supposed Separatist group meeting on Ostor, given the intel you received from a client on your previous mission. The four of you were sent to listen in on it.

“Young Skywalker and Padawan Tano, back up you will be. Great risks on Ostor, there are. Careful, you must be.” He turned to Obi-Wan and You. “Master Y/l/n, guide them you must do. In charge of the mission, I am putting you.”

A sense of pride filled your body but you quickly humbled yourself. “Thank you Master.”

Master Yoda smiled and turned to Obi-Wan. “Infiltrate the meeting, you and Master Y/l/n will. Stay together, you must.”

Obi-Wan would have laughed at the irony. Mentally he still is. Stay together, you must. After the last conversation between the two of you, he had doubts about how that plan would go. However, for the sake of the mission he was willing to lift the deal made.

You stood quietly, not being able to handle the loud silence any longer. “I’ll be in my quarters until we land,” you announced, making a point not to look at Obi-Wan and keep all attention to Anakin and Ahsoka.

You left without sparing a glance back.

He waited until you were out of view to let out a long sigh, running a hand over his beard and hunching forward.

Anakin was the first to speak. “That was the worst thing I’ve ever had to endure.” His shoulders shook as he made a disgusted sound. “Glad it’s finally over.”

“Just focus on getting us there in one piece, Anakin,” Obi-Wan snapped, immediately followed by, “apologizes, I didn’t mean to sound so...aggressive.”

“So much for being able to hide stress, huh?”

He smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Some things are harder to deal with than others.”

“Is Master Y/l/n ‘some things’?” Ahoska asked innocently.

Obi-Wan pondered for a minute, deciding the best way to answer. “Master Y/l/n is...many things.”

“Like what?”

Gorgeous. Strong. Kind. Perfect in every way. “They are highly skilled, almost as well as I am, if not better. A fine Jedi and a valuable member to the Order.” He stopped there before he’d say something he’d come to regret. Best to keep professional thoughts.

“I still don’t understand why the Council sent them away like that. Surely there were other Jedi that could have completed the mission,” Anakin commented. He knew his former Master wasn’t satisfied with the answer they were all given but would never admit it. He had to push him to find the truth.

“Whatever reasons Master Yoda and Master Windu had for picking Y/n are between them. You must stop questioning the Council’s intentions, Anakin. It will land you in very big trouble one day.” Obi-Wan says as if he hasn’t second guessed the Order as a whole before. Ignorance is bliss, as they say. The less you question things, the easier life is.

“That’s why I keep you around, old man,” Anakin said in a teasing manner. Hearing Obi-Wan let out a light chuckle made him feel a bit better as they settled into silence once more, this time more comfortable and light-hearted.

A bit more time had passed before Ahsoka spoke up. “Why don’t you ask Master Y/l/n what really happened?”

Obi-Wan sighed. He should have known better than to believe she would drop the topic. Like Master, like Padawan. “It’s none of my business. Frankly, it’s none of ours so I suggest we leave the subject alone.”

His answer, apparently, wasn’t good enough. “I’m gonna go ask them.” Ahsoka stands up to leave but is stopped mid-movement by Obi-Wan’s protests.

“No!” He looked at Ahsoka’s slightly stunned face, and chose to ignore Anakin’s smug look. “Fine, I’ll ask them. But only once, and if they don’t want to indulge me then that is the end of it. Do I make myself clear?”

“Crystal.”

Meanwhile, you sat alone on the bed in your chosen quarters. It made you feel relaxed, in a way. Before leaving, you were extremely extraverted, always going out of your way to make acquaintances with everyone around you. The life forces around you at night kept you alive, it gave a sense of warmth and comfort to lull you to slumber. On Gyfil, there was none of that. You had to rely on your own warmth to comfort yourself to sleep. No lush trees or animals to provide even the smallest bit of connection. It was just You and the Force. Sleeping for the first time in the Jedi Temple after returning felt like a sensory overload. Everything was loud, and rough. You could feel it coursing through your veins at the speed of light. No matter what you did, it was too much.

You didn’t sleep the first few days. Eventually you got used to the noise, but not enough to get a decent amount of rest at night. There was one sound that sometimes made it impossible to sleep, one Force signature that kept trying to break through the walls you put up to protect yourself when you’re most vulnerable. What scared you the most was the fact your own signature subconsciously fought back against the walls you put. You refused to acknowledge it, choosing to fall into a deep meditative slumber and stay alert as opposed to any actual sleep. Whoever it was would not get into your head so easily.

Knock knock. Obi-Wan stepped into the room once his presence was made known, gently shutting the door behind him. “Y/n…”

You looked up and squinted at him. “I thought we agreed to not speak?”

“Yes, well, that proves to be a bit tricky now doesn’t it?” He smiled tightly and crossed his arms over his chest.

You huffed out air in a sorry attempt at a sarcastic laugh, shaking your head a little. “What do you want, Obi-Wan?”

It was neither hostile nor endearing. It was simply his first name. To him you sounded tired, and judging by the way you sat on the cot, leaning back against the cold metal wall with your eyes half opened, he presumed his assumption was correct. He spoke gently, “Anakin estimates we should be coming out of hyperspace and landing soon.”

“I figured.” It wasn’t your intention to be stoic but that's how you’ve been training yourself to speak to the man in front of you. The faster the conversation ends, the faster he leaves.

Obi-Wan, however, was not having it. “How are you feeling? I know it hasn’t been that long since you returned from your previous assignment.”

You shrugged, staring up at the ceiling. “I’m fine.”

“No one who says that is ever truly ‘fine’ Y/n/n,” he says, taking a step closer to the bed. “I know you. What’s on your mind, darling?”

You slowly met his gaze, debating whether to open up or keep yourself closed off. On one hand, the idea of exposing your anxieties to someone didn’t feel right to you, letting someone know about your weaknesses and insecurities. However, you knew in order for the mission to succeed you would have to be willing to work with Obi-Wan and to do that a sense of trust had to be built. Rebuilt, technically.

“If you wish not to speak, I understand.” He hesitated turning his back to you, “excuse me.” He was about to make his leave before you interrupted.

“Obi-Wan, wait,” You sighed, shifting so there was room for him to sit on the bed. “Sit.”

He did as he was told, eyeing you carefully. “Honestly, I don’t mean to pry.”

“It’s fine.” You knew his intentions and as pure as they were you cannot bring yourself to tell him the truth. “I admit that I...am slightly concerned about the mission.”

It wasn’t the answer Obi-Wan was hoping for, but he was willing to hear anything he could get out of you. “You have nothing to be worried about Y/n/n. You’re an extremely capable Jedi and I have no doubt in my mind you will lead us through it.”

You smiled, only slightly but a smile nonetheless. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” He smiled back.

Your eyes locked tight with each other, and everything around you became emptiness. A void surrounded you both and the presence of the other was all that could be felt.

“Staring competitions are pointless.” You rolled your eyes, sitting up straight and attempting to return your meditative state.

“No they aren’t!: Obi-Wan argued from his spot across from you.

“All you do is stare at each other until someone blinks. Waste of time.”

“Nuh uh. Master Qui-Gon told me that--” Obi-Wan stood up, “--‘The eyes are a window to the soul’--” you laughed at the bad attempt he made to mimic his Master;s voice, “--therefore staring competitions can be a very good battle tactic.”

“Jedi don’t do battles, remember? We’re peacekeepers.” You looked up at your friend. “Besides, you just want an excuse to get lost in my eyes.”

Obi-Wan grinned. “You know me so well.”

So much has changed about the man in front of you, you could hardly recognize him. You never allowed yourself the pleasure to examine what you missed out on. One moment he was a young man who looked like he could take on the universe, and now all you could see was one tired man doing his best. Oh, how the mighty have fallen, is what the old You would have teased. But post-living-ten-years-by-yourself You was different. In a way, you understood. Although you didn’t fight any life-threatening battles and put yourself in the line of fire every week, you have worked tirelessly towards the same goal.

Peace.

Like this moment.

For once, it was quiet. You felt yourself relax slowly, focusing on the one noise that soothed your anxious mind. It felt warm and...close. Something you haven’t felt in a long, long time.

Obi-Wan leaned closer, his heart reacting faster than his brain. He felt a warmth he had been longing for over a decade. When he reached out, he no longer felt desolate. He wanted to hold on to the feeling and never let go.

But alas in time of war, small moments of peace only last for so long.

“Hey! We’re here.”

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reblog and comment what will happen on the mission 👀👀

taglist; @queenariesofnarnia @katsukink @blondekel77 @generousrunawaydonut @fandomtrashwhore @fortheloveofaqueenfan @mrskenobi19 @mellowstatesmanhandsempath @hotleaf-juice @emiijemii @neji85 @doctor-warthrop @ayamenimthiriel @lizzy-95 @lovelylostminds @badbatch-simp24

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burnedbyshoto · 5 years

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if you sent any asks (recommendations for things don’t count as I have to look around!) since october 17 until october 22 it is in here :)

anon said: The header for your askbox response post is *aesthetic*. I think it’s a really good idea to post one every few days if you have the time. ❤️

well, thANK YOUUUUU!!!!! I put in a whopping 10 minutes into it because I had no idea what I was doing! i’ll definitely be doing asks this way now though.

big dick kiri anon said: !!!!!! ILY HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY PLS HYDRATE 💙💙❤️❤️ -bigdickkiri

Omg love! Please don’t worry about kinktober just breathe! Take your time and try to relax 💙❤️- bigdickkiri

DAMN, that is a LOT. Please look after yourself and don't stress about it love!! - bigdickkiri

I'm very excited. BUT PLEASE LOOK AFTER YOURSELF, DO NOT FORCE ANY OF THIS OMG - bigdickkiri

AHH, AMAZING, TALENTED SWEETHEART, GORGEOUS LOVE, HAVE A INCREDIBLE DAY AND HYDRATE - bigdickkiri

I believe I did have a good day, and I am actually super bad at hydrating, buT ILL TRY TO GET BETTER!!!!

I am breathing!!!! JUSTTT BREATHEEEE!!! I am taking my time now and relaxing to the best of my ability :D thank you so much bdk I love you with all my soul

theres always a lot, but if im not doing a lot I dont do anything so on one hand.... it’s okay LMAO but I will continue to try and not stress :D

BDK I WOULD NEVER WANT TO MAKE YOU THINK IM FORCING THIS OUT OF MEEEE ILL TRY MY BEST TO MAKE YOU PROUD

GHSOGHJIAORGJRGIRAHG YOURE AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, TERRIFIC, INCREDIBLE!!!!!!! YOU HYDRATE AND MAKE SURE YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU

@bread-theduck said: We love you and support you ❤ dont push yourself, your mental health is so much more important that kinktober haha. Take all the time you need, we're right here and open if you wanna talk~

I don’t really try to push myself... it just happens subconsciously D: but thank you for the love and support!!!! my mental health is stronger than I give it credit though

anon said: listen! we all appreciate you and your writing dearly but! I think we can all agree that we want you to be okay mentally and physically before you make yourself write! kinktober can wait! you’re more important!! at the very least, pls take a break for tonight.

I honestly can’t even remember when i said I was tired, but thank you for your kind words regardless!!!! I am trying to get better at it because i don’t want to disappoint you guys D:

@saintbullet said: Please take care of yourself!!! DONT risk your health for writing. We care about you so much! Be careful 💕💕💕

I know I push myself a lot, and i’m really sorry for scaring you all!!!! I am trying though, and it just has a lot to do with my mental fatigue and that im judging some hard classes right now then it has to do with anything

anon said: hey it'll be alright! idk whats wrong but i promise everything will work out like its supposed to! you just take care of yourself and take as much time as you need to feel better!! we love u!! ♥️

It wAS MY PERIOD I REMEMBER NOW AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! I LOVE YOU TOOOOOOOO WITH ALL THE LOVE MY HEART POSSES!!!!!!

anon said: periods can be a pain so pls take care of yourself!! drink lots of water and rest up!!!

my period is the worst, if she was a person i’d block her and avoid her irl!!!!!!!!

anon said: Lol ok so gay for Mina anon back and no, I was not the anon who requested it. But lmao, let me take this time to whole heartedly thank that anon for quenching my thirst anyways

oh whoops, sorry for thinking you were someone else D: iM GLAD TO SEE THAT YOU WERE HAPPY WITH IT!!! READER WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BAD GUY BUT I COULDN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE IT WORK LMAO

anon said: I am just planning on hanging out and reading all the lovely writing that comes from this

i’m pretty sure this is about my nsfw/sfw headcanons, and honestly im sooo very excited to start working on them!!!!!!!!

anon said: you have no idea how happy I got when I saw u posted for mina like UGH MY WIFE I LOVE HER SO MUCH 🥺🥺🥺 N GIVING US GAYS AMAZING CONTENT UR AMAZING MWAH MWAH KEEP BEING THE PERFECT ANGEL U ARE 🥺🥺💞💗💖💕💓💝

AHHHHH IM SO GLAD YOU LIKED IT MINA IS LIKE MY FAV CLASS 1-A GIRL SO I LOVE HER SO MUCHHHHHHHHHHH YOURE AMAZING AND I LOVE YOU AND YOURE AN ANGEL!!!!!!!

many a anons said: Sorry I didn’t see the part where you said not to request characters that were already on the list I thought that was the list of character we could vote for.

so sorry I accidentally sent a character in that has already been requested, Tumblr didn't show me the follow up posts ;;

nooo I didn’t see the list I’m so sorry 😭😭😭

LOL ITS OKAYYYY. y’all were hoes and kept sending me shouto who I couldn’t even think about deleting from my list... so... you are lucky >:(

anon said: hello! not a request here but take care of yourself anc stay hydrated bb 🥰🥰

I got my water right next to me rn bby :D

anon said: be todoroki’s girlfriend

bitch I am todorokis WIFE, why would I need to dress up???

@girl-with-a-mentality said: You can be todoroni for Halloween.

....you right...

anon said: Thirst post infoo ;3 I found a doujinshi of Bakugo being teased and toyed with sexually with by Ochako, Yaomomo, and our lovely momma Mina

...send it

anon said: GIRLLLLLL

ANONNNNNNNNNNNNN ;)

local dumbass anon said: local dumbass is here once again, i thiink you know who i am and might've found my ig buuuuuut..?

uh.... I don’t know???????? I only followed people on insta if you gave me your handle or followed me first.... also did you cut your bangs?

anon said: Your Monoma scenario was really good!If we’re being honest, though, Monoma would literally start foaming at the mouth if he saw anyone from 1-A making physical contact with his s/o, ESPECIALLY Bakugou. They would have to call animal control because there would be a rabid Monoma in the dorms lol

okay... while you’re not wrong, I just thought 18 year old monoma should have grown up just the tiniest bit! plus his obsession is controlled because of his insecurity so LMAO IDK I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE UGH

@awkward-theaterkid said: I was reading your Day 19 Fic but I couldnt take it seriously, the title "My Way" kept reminding me of the Backstreet Boys "I want it that way" and it keeps popping up while I read it 😂

as someone who only heard that song because of b99 I read this and immediately thought of b99 LMAOOOOO

🍒💥anon said: URGENT PSA: LYSSA IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING AND I LOVE HER -🍒💥

Hello Queen Lyssa, I finally read "And They Were Roommates" and have absolutely no idea why I put it off so long! ITS A MASTERPIECE. Each chapter is addictive and the slow burn and angst destroyed me 😭 The smut in the final chapter is flawless and sooooooooooooooooooo H O T. Shoto wasnt even my favorite character but he might have to be now (or at least in my top 3) 😰 This is my new favorite series and I cant wait to re-read it!!!! YOURE AMAZING AND ILY. You own my soul now -🍒💥

URGENT PSA I LOVE YOU CHERRY EXPLOSION AND YOURE AMAZING :D

ATWR holds a special place in my heart uwu.... HAOGHIOSRGSIOGJSIHG THANK YOU!!!!! SHOUTO IS AN AMAZING CHARACTER WHO I LOVE WITH ALL MY HEARRTTTTTT

~ thank you to @didyoumeanme, @kittenlordofdarkness, @soafers for submitting memes and animal pics for my rommate, much appreciated :D ~

anon said: Did the local dumbass anon ever cut their bangs? Do you know?

....I dont know, but I just asked her rn >:)

this paragraph is dedicated to those surrounding to the meltdown mess that occurred yesterday. to each and every one of you who sent me kind words via my askbox or directly contacting me, thank you. I really want to move past this because I feel by holding on it will make me feel less inclined to write because of my guilt. of course, I do not expect you to forgive me, or trust me in my story of how it went down, because at the end of the day it was my mistake for trusting in someone to write with pure intentions when I didn’t know if she could. im trying to continue on with my best foot forward and im grateful for those of you who trusted in me. I swear I will never push myself again, and that I will instead take my time in order to publish my original work and only my original work and not take anything that comes from a “friend”. know that I love you all, and I dont know how to take it easy so my break lasted a whooping 10 hours, and my blog won’t discontinue until im done with bnha or...I get into medschool which is still 3 years away, I am taking care of myself, im staying hydrated, im trying not to put myself down anymore, I will keep going, & will forever continue to be more careful with what I post. also, no one was really coming for me, so don’t worry if you thought so lol. (to you 9 anons who expressed their kind thoughts to me, thank you. to big dick kiri anon thank you. to @bqkubabey, @flayvus, & @ultimate-shit-poster thank you so so much you really helped me not drown myself in my own guilt.)

anon said: i hope you’re feeling okay today :((

I am feeling a lot better. unfortuantely I did make myself really sick yesterday because ive never been as stressed in my life ever, but im okay now. there’s nothing I can do more for what happened so I will try to continue on as best as I can and I appreciate you caring... ilysm :)

@ikinabi said: Your writing??? Actually god sent 🥵👌 and the way you write Mirio gets me GOING

BAHAHAH NOOOOO ITS NOT PLAFUAOGHJIPRAHAR MY MIRIO PIECE YOU LIKED WAS MY FIRST PIECE ON HIM AND OOO BOY I DID NOT DO HIM JUSTICE

anon said: fuck buddy iida is a thought that has never crossed my mind but now that i’ve seen your post i am intrigued haha

well... it is up :) if you wanna check her out :)

anon said: You dont have to answer if you dont wanna but i just wanna see if your okay. I hope your end your doing well and not stressing.

i’m doing much better than I was yesterday!!! I just needed to rest and calm down and stop attacking myself. thank you for checking in!!! it means so much :,)

#ask lyssa anything #lyssa doesnt shut up #anonymous

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thehabilableheart · 5 years

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An open letter to my ex.

03|10|2019 // I genuinely don't think I've ever closed any doors or burned any bridges with anyone.. family, friends, or exes.. who have done me wrong. Tonight, I did, by choice, burn a very toxic bridge.. and I didn't even allow myself to stand and watch the flames burn out, or the wind carry away the ashes. I turned, held up my chin, and walked away. I've never allowed myself to kill relationships out of fear I may be losing something potentially important... But I learned that the only importance a burned or burning bridge holds, is a lesson. Allowing it to fester can cause so much angst… Thank you for being my lesson, sweetheart. I won't ever allow you or your toxic "love" into my life again. Not yours or anyone else’s. I will always think of what’s best for me and my end goal.

An open letter to my ex who isn’t just an ex, but the one I considered my best friend, too. Usually, I wouldn’t write out the things running through my head about you publicly. I’d send them directly to you. But what good does that do? None. Further, the point of these posts is for people to see me, raw and open. They want to see everything I’m going through. This time, this entry will be a little different than my norm in multiple ways. A more…. Snarky type text, if you will. A bit of a “fuck you” of sorts to a someone I thought would always be my someone. He’s never going to read it though. He doesn’t care enough.

See sweetheart, I love your bravery. No matter what situation you catch yourself in, you always maneuver swiftly and come out of it. Even the ones that could easily ruin you. I admire your strength to keep pushing. No matter what it is in your way. You have an extreme, dark, in depth, intellectual mind. I love the way your brain works. I’ve always been a little envious of your smarts. We both know I lack a bit in that region.. You fully took advantage of that. My lack of logic, some would say. Maybe a lack of common sense. It’s funny. You’re so determined to be someone.. But you’re too caught up in having multiple someones around you, that you’ve become multiple someones, too! You put in so much work everywhere you go, in all that you do, all without breaking face. Even if the majority of the work you’re doing is put into your acting. You’re really good at that. Acting, I mean. You’re so handsome. SO handsome. When you’re focused but also excited about the work you’ve put into new adult (I’m talking guns here!) toys, or those dumb new video games, you’re such a fun energy. OH. Let’s not forget your strong focus on telling stories straight, though. That one is SUPER important. Kind of admirable as well. You make everything you do in life seem so… easy. Just like I did, right? Made things easy? Or was that all 4 of us? (Are there more than 4 over the last 15 years? Hm.) Not much affects you. If it does, well.. we’ve talked about how great of an actor you are. You’re great at pretending.. at being something else. You’re usually day, but I preferred when you were night. Usually you’d get drunk and control fuck me (Can’t say I don’t miss that..Haha. Cuz I do). When was our last time? January 4th was the last night I remember. Then I got completely wasted a week later, almost broke your tv, and woke up without my pants on, with no recollection of how I got to your bed..

You have an authenticity problem.. you have “fraud” written all over your face. You really could just be honest. With me, and her, the second her, and the one between me and the second. Maybe then we all could have trusted you with more than just a decent (sometimes half ass) fuck. You were a good enough distraction. For a while. I’ll give you that. But theres always better. You could have been worth more than just being temporary medicine, though. Sadly, I’ve come to realize that’s really all you were. But you aren’t potent enough. I don’t crave you. I’m not having withdrawals the way I did from A (the one you’re scared I’ll choose over you! [at this point, he’s a MUCH better option]…) when he left me broken before an 8 month deployment. I don’t miss you. I don’t have the urge to wait 8 months for you to come back to me. I’m pretty sure tonight I made the possibility of that extremely non-existent, anyway, am I right? Ha! I wouldn’t come back to me after finding out everything you’re going to find out when you wake up today.

All of “us” was just a way to ease your tensions, your stresses from all the work you put into pretending you’re someone you’re not, right? It’s been a nice distraction I’m sure. Or maybe, it was your way of focusing on something other than the fact that you’re having to hide and clean your own dirty fucking laundry in plain site, right? So none of us will notice it? You abuse the things that distract from your pain. We’re YOUR medicine. YOU’RE the addicted one. Not us. All of us are capable of walking away. It’s not just us, either. Even your “friends”. Is that too harsh? A little bit painful? Do you even FEEL pain? Maybe you’re like me in the sense that you enjoy being hurt. You enjoy that overwhelming rush because at least you’re feeling something, right?… Silly idea, I think. You’re just extremely fucked in the head. You’ve made me feel fucked in the head too. I’m sure you have your own life experiences to blame. But you don’t get to fuck with other peoples lives because your life is a living nightmare.

I saw it in your eyes… when you told me we were done because you decided you wanted to be alone and get yourself together, yet now I’m sure you’re fucking every girl in town again (your instagram numbers have gone up again - I already checked out all the sluts)… I saw that you were happy I was leaving. I saw the relief. Even in that last hug getting me and my pup into my car (that you used for months because your second had yours), that was broken down on the street in front of your house for weeks, I saw the excitement. I saw that you were genuinely relieved to be free again. That you were free, truthfully for the first time. Because in 15 years, you’ve never been free. But that didn’t stop you from doing whatever you wanted to. Let’s face it - we’re both the same in the sense that we always have a back up, “so to speak”. (You love that phrase - it still fucking annoys me) We don’t like to be alone. If we aren’t taken by someone, if we aren’t in a solid relationship… we’re sleeping with someone to fill that void.. Not even a void. We both just need that distraction. I’m sure too, that the moment I left.. the moment I drove down that drive…smiles crossed all three of your single, drunk, pathetic faces, “the single brothers are back!” was shouted, and the shots kept pouring, right? The music got loud again. The feeling of not having a single care in the world returned. Did the cocaine too? Or are we not back there yet? Maybe we’ll wait for summer! Everyone close to us knows how much you enjoy a bit of snow on a bright, sunny day.

You’re a father, you know? To a little girl. One day she’ll be a woman. One day your daughter is going to be her mother. Your second. The middle between the second and me. And me. Have you thought of that? Have you taken a good long look at yourself and evaluated the way you’ve treated any of us? Have you asked “would I be happy if my daughter was with someone like me? A BOY?” Any good parent would say no. Any involved, loving parent would say “FUCK no. Not now, not ever.” But you’re not an involved parent. You’re hardly a loving parent. Visiting twice a year, literally saying you don’t even want to go back home, but you do for her, then you sleep in while she plays with the iPad.. rarely calling her, and when you do, only briefly talking and barely listening to what she has to say.. You can’t deny it. I’ve been in the room with you while you played with your guns and told her you were going to bed around 9:30, just to hang up and turn around to play video games until 2AM. But you’re so full of the lie that is you pretending you’re stronger than you are. You’re so full of the lie that is you pretending you’ve got yourself all pieced together. Pretending you have a plan. Pretending you’re the most amazing human being, man, and father out there. But really. Take a look at yourself. Sit down, evaluate, then ask yourself, “Am I the person I want my daughter to marry?” If you can honestly look at yourself and say yes, I hope she’s smarter than you.

You know that’s why I left them, right? The last two that you listened to and watched me cry over because, you know, you were my best friend? My only “REAL” friend. My 3AM phone calls. The only one who would pick up. The only one who would listen when I didn’t know what to do. And for what? Why’d you do that to me? So you could play with me like a pawn on a game board?! PSH. Fuck you. But anyway, I’m sorry, I’ve gotten a little bit selfishly side tracked. That’s all besides the point of this paragraph. Let me get back to it. The two previous boys I was with. You know who I’m talking about! The one you’re scared I’ll run back to, instead of you, when he’s free again, and the one you convinced me was right to leave? Leaving them was a choice I knew was best to make because I knew I never wanted my daughter to watch me be miserable in my relationships, and I didn’t want her to think it was alright to end up with boys like them. And I most definitely don’t ever want my son raised by a BOY like ALL THREE of you. Your daughter, she deserves a man. He may not be biological. But she has a man in her life. A genuinely good father figure. How sad it isn’t you. Then again, what do I know? My children’s step mother has been a better mother than me here the last two years. At least I’m thankful for her. I let her know that too. I thank her for loving my children as if they are her own. I thank her for being patient, kind, and respectful. I give her credit where it’s due. But again, I’m getting side tracked.

If I remember correctly, she was an accident, right? You didn’t even know for sure if she was yours or not? OH OH! OH! And please, don’t worry yourself at all! You know how social I am. I “don’t know a stranger”. Her mother? I adore her. Such a sweet, respectful, kind, strong, smart fucking woman. (Hopefully the littles come out like her!) But I was under the impression that she was so horrible, sweetheart. But it’s a fucking trend. Her, your second, and the girl between me and #2. All “terrible” women. So what does that say about me? What is your “the truth about my last”? I’ve already spoken to 2 of the 3. It’s easy for all of us to sort out what’s real and what’s fake. I’ll be sure your first gets word on her place in your mind. Or at least her place in the words that come out of your mouth behind her back, since everyone knows you don’t say what you think 1, and 2, you don’t ever tell the truth. I’m finally seeing why men don’t want us to meet their exes. They don’t want us to find out all the fucked up shit they do.

It’s sad that you’re so insecure with the person you are (we know, you’ll never admit it) that you have to make everyone around you look awful. Then when people meet (talk to) them… they’re the exact opposite of everything you’ve said.. Everything you say they’ve done.. YOU DONE DID IT. Not them. You’re making yourself look so bad, sweetheart. Your daughters step-father - the one you’ve undeservingly spoken so low about, while being a low piece of shit your damn self - is loving and raising YOUR child. He’s being a father. Sending child support, and once or twice a month calls, isn’t being a father. I obviously don’t know the guy personally, but I’d recommend thanking him for standing in. I assume very strongly, since your daughter is happy, and according to you - misses her mom, step-dad and sister while she’s with you and says she wants to go back.. I’d say he’s doing great job showing her what a man is supposed to be… all while you’re slummin’ it in your frat fuck house, drinking, and fucking your way into some made up world of what you think reality fucking is.

I pray our girls, and their half sisters, grow to know the difference between a boy and a man. I hope yours shows you a soft heart and gives you the benefit of the doubt, and encourages you to continue to grow, but takes caution not to get too close, or trusting of you. I hope all of our girls know better than to fully open up to a boy.. so they don’t get treated like a disposable item and end up hurt. Our girls are smart, though. Very smart for their current ages. I know when they look at you or a boy just like you, 13 years from now when they’re old enough to start dating…. They’ll lose hope in you just like the 4 of us women (4 that I know of, anyway) have. I truly pray that the constant men in their lives show them what a real man looks like, and teach them to avoid scum… like you, and A & J. Remember how you hated being categorized with people like that in my life? Don’t act like them, you won’t get compared to them.

I genuinely don't think I've ever closed any doors or burned any bridges with anyone.. family, friends, or exes.. who have done me wrong. Tonight, I did, by choice, burn a very toxic bridge.. and I didn't even allow myself to stand and watch the flames burn out, or the wind carry away the ashes. I turned, held up my chin, and walked away. No looking back. No pain. No tears. I burned our bridge for a reason. This is a fresh, new beginning for me. Thank you for telling me I needed to move home. Best idea you’ve ever had. Best thing I’ve ever followed through with.

Please don’t ever interrupt my life again.

I don’t believe in rebuilding my past anymore. Our foundation is complete garbage now. I’m building my own foundation for ME and MY kids. I hope one day you learn to move forward, and not look back. I hope you stop using your past as an excuse for your actions and for your failures. I whole heartedly, truly hope that one day, you grow up to be a really great, happy man. I hope you have no regrets and begin to progress in everything you do. Good luck, Buddha. I’m sure you’ll need all the luck anyone can give you. You got what you wanted, what you asked for. You’re all alone now.

Oh, and you’re welcome. I helped you weed out the trash.

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