#art inspired by the fact that it was so fucken hot today

[skywerse]

sunbathing with the homies

(but GILLION'S OUT)(he's an eeper dude)(the eepiest fish in the sea)(and the beast is nowhere to be seen)(probably commiting atrocities)

#jrwi riptide #just roll with it #jrwi #jrwi fanart #jrwi chip #gillion tidestrider #jay ferin #albatrio #digital art #sketches #art inspired by the fact that it was so fucken hot today #wondering what the beast is up to #probably beating earl in chess #earl's eating her pieces when she's not looking #canon #UUUGH I FORGOT JAYS SCARS FOR FUCK'S SAKE

[diaryofalilshawty-blog]

03.27.20

It’s about 3:20 AM right now. I took a break from trying to figure Javascript, what a headache. I knew coding was going to be hard, but I didn’t think I would feel so stupid. Nevertheless, I will keep trying to understand it. I honestly just wanted to pause, and write about how proud I am about myself, about things I’ve learned. I can feel my vibrations and energy growing.

Covid-19  has become a global crisis, and I am trying to view this as somewhat of a positive experience. Now that there’s a bit more time to stop an think, I’ve tried to get creative with myself.  I’ve picked up new hobbies, old ones, I’ve dedicated time to bettering my education, instead of staying stuck, all while making money. One of my favorite quotes: “DON’T JUST EXIST, LIVE!” With a busy schedule, I appreciate my time with people more. Rather then living a routine on lock down, I get to think of new things I can do each day.

I will not lie, I miss having female influences around me, when it was me and the gals. Seems like all my friends are cuffed up now, and it is leaving a lot of time for myself. I can’t look at it in a bad way. I just need to embrace the fact that it’s new territory for me, not feel lonely, but rather focused. All this hard work will pay off.

With the world being on pause, there’s not so much noise from my daily life. This includes the judgement of others, having a need to stay updated in social media, daily life things that keep me distracted. In this time of quarantine, I feel like I have learned so much about the person I want to me. My perspective of things is slowly broadening. I love it. I love this feeling of slow personal growth inside me. I should accept who I was before even if I was not always the best person. No one on this earth, none of my friends know or understand the place that I came from, how I grew up, and the different obstacles I had to overcome to become who I am today. I am completely fine with that. At the end of the day, things like that should not matter to my real friends. Instead, what matters is the person I am today, my willingness to grow. I do not show a lot of my emotional scars for a reason. Those scars they have perish just enough, that I don’t notice it. There is probably only one person on this earth who has an idea of the abundant changes and elevation that this past year has done for me. The pain, loneliness, anguish, heartache, frustration, panic, ignorance, betrayal,  naive-ness, feeling of being completely lost, feeling of not belonging, all that I have been through. That person is Phillip.

As I was saying though... having alone time, being single while everyone is taken, it has been quite a nice time. This pandemic has got me thinking, reflecting, and making goals for myself. I remember when I had curfew, and Dad wouldn’t let me go out, I had picked up crafting, the art of making things. Those things were small little projects, and accomplishments for me. My little wins, when I was losing to life. These past weeks, I’ve picked up hobbies I use to do, and I am trying my hand at new hobbies... even though I am super amateur. For instance, I realized I have a camera sitting there, so I decided to pick it up, make use of it. I started hot yoga like what last month or so, and I cannot just give it up. I may not be able to do it every day, but I remember how good it felt doing it, so why give it up? Yah feel. People have asked me before what are my hobbies, besides AGC, gym, the basic stuff... and NGL for a moment I had to think about it. That’s not a question I don’t want to have an answer to. So here goes me trying to find new hobbies, discovering new things I love to do, and making a list for the things I want done.

For the first time in life, I know where I want to go without regards to who is in my life, what if they leave. For the first time in life, I think I am learning to fall in love with myself. I’m slowly loving the person I am becoming, and I will love the person I am meant to be. My center of attention is my family, my career, my education, ME. I don’t feel the need to please people anymore, I just want to please myself. I mean besides the patients I do work with. WHICH since we are on the topic of- working at a hospital, I kind of love it. Not necessarily my job since it can be slow sometimes due to working at a small private hospital. I don’t save lives, but it doesn’t stop me from helping others in small or big ways. When you think of hospitals, it has a negative connotation. I know what it feels like to be sitting in the chair next to your loved one in the hospital, hoping they get better, that they survive and win the fight too often. The feeling of grief sitting next to Mom when she was hooked up onto a much of machines with tubes sticking in and out of her. With that being said, I don’t take care of patients like nurses do, but the time I do spend with patients, I make sure to leave them with a smile. There are difficult patients, angry, sad, scared... you name it, but for some reason, I can resonate with them. I come in with a smile, I distract them through the temporary pain, give them some kind of emotional reassurance for them to feel safe. The patients like me, and to have made that small moment or short time in a place like that is a definite win for me. That is probably the favorite part of my job, yahknow besides preventing injuries. It has even inspired me to get a degree in the medical field, after I become a Full Stack Developer.

Never in a million years would I have thought, I’d be in programming. It is not easy 100%. To think and have a logic of a computer, not something I have... at least I am learning though. It is making me smarter, think outside the box, take things slowly, think of the steps to get something done. The fact that I have so much dedication to this, pat on the fucken back. 5 more months to go man.

I am so proud of the shit hole I pulled myself out of. I wish it didn’t have to take what it did, but I am getting out of it... Here are some of the things I have learned these past few months

-have your own opinion

-you can care and feel the emotions of someone else you care about, but that does not mean they should be yours

-give everyone a fair chance, but keep your guard up

-give yourself love, because it start by you loving yourself

-embrace yourself, reflect on yourself, because they add into your vibrations

-Don’t put others before you, because they won’t always do the same for you

-Only do what others would for you

-not everyone is going to want to be treated the same way you want to be treated

-PROGRAMMING IS HARD

-happy self is happy life

-having a Mentee is not easy