#but i never rlly felt like. that unhappy. it was just my body reacting. i think it's a bad thing that's happened but i don't feel unhappy

[twogoliathbeetles]

for a lot of people i know the experience is very angsty and you don't actually want to die, so it's very difficult, but that's just not my experience at all... the happier i am the more likely i am to be suicidal, and the closer i get to doing it. when i was younger i was definitely suicidal because of depression or whatever but that's not how i feel anymore. anyway i tried to look up if this is a common experience and i can't find ANYTHING written by other people who feel this way at all. they were all articles about how you might fake being happy for other people to not feel bad for you... it's like. i'm not that nice a person, i just genuinely feel joy and suicidality together. i think the joy comes first. idk where this post is going. maybe it's a bit like a mixed state bipolar episode except i'm neither severely depressed nor manic? i don't feel unwell at all, and i don't want to pathologise something that's just a normal emotional experience for me, but that's the closest description i can find of it.

#.txt #suicide tw #i'd say more but i don't want to trigger anyone 😅😅😅 #i just think it's interesting how different people experience emotions differently #i was watching a video by a man who didn't feel sad after his mum died. not bc he didn't love her but bc he just didn't feel that way #a family friend i was very close to recently died and i barely felt anything tbh. just like. sorry i won't be able to talk to him #and ppl say 'oh it'll hit you at some point' idk. i have processed that he's dead. i've even cried about it #but i never rlly felt like. that unhappy. it was just my body reacting. i think it's a bad thing that's happened but i don't feel unhappy #i think these are two similar things u know #idk there's what. 8 billion people on this planet. so we're all bound to feel emotions differently #i think this is also why i feel so defensive when ppl try to act like mental illness is always soooo bad and like. angst ridden lol #like. i know most ppl would probably consider me mentally ill bc i'm suicidal. but i just don't feel unhappy?