#but unfortunately we’re like >2000 miles apart and also wrangling a traumatized adult through medical mazes is not on anyone’s job descript

[goldkirk]

Hey in case anyone is struggling with the same thing, here’s something I worked out recently while journaling.

tw for threatening/shaming about dental hygiene, mention of self harm, vaguely mentioned privacy violations, and medical procedure/anesthesia mentions, and me doing a LOT of trauma dumping

I have mental and physical disabilities which I am continually avoiding getting care for and most urgently out of that I’ve had untreated cavities and a root canal that I’ve known about for over a year plus rapidly moving teeth plus impacted wisdom teeth that need to come out, and that’s a problem. I KNOW it’s bad to keep putting it off but I can’t ask for help and I can’t get it done BECAUSE

- I am terrified of what medical people will say and do

- I have zero trust that I won’t feel things while numbed because I always did before after a while

- my sensory issues are so high sometimes I repeatedly gag just while trying to brush my teeth, not even get super far back

- my jaw is prone to pain and strains and partial dislocation and my teeth are prone to feeling wobbly and bruised and I hate both

- I was shamed and guilted and threatened about oral hygiene for a long time

- I was lectured by medical people even after trying to explain that I was so depressed and adhd and scared about that a i wasn’t even sleeping or eating or doing hobbies or doing school/work a lot of the time, so it was really difficult for me to even remember I should do hygiene for teeth because I was forgetting that I even need food or water or time outside of a building and that made me feel even more ashamed

- the one time I went to talk to the endodontist about getting the root canal, he didn’t let me chat, he didn’t take my nerves and guilt seriously, he pressed a cold thing to my teeth until it got to the the root canal one and hurt like crazy—without telling me why he was doing it or warning me it would hurt if I needed a root canal, and didn’t sympathize when I started crying involuntarily after he told me they’d need to do a root canal and I needed to just have better brushing and flossing that was the only answer, and then tossed me out to the front desk and left

- I have to be minimally sedated for the root canal because otherwise I will literally fuck up my vitals and jaw joints guaranteed but I can’t afford even light sedation much less anything useful

- but also, most importantly, what I just realized this week:

I was in hospitals with family members for years watching them get procedures and surgeries and from age 8 onward seeing people helpless and out of their usual minds after surgeries and saying stuff. And I lived in FEAR for SEVERAL years of ever having to get twilight or full sedation not because of needing it or of pain but because I felt that if I woke up from it:

- my mom at least would be there no matter what because that’s how things go it’s what we do

- I didn’t know what my brain would think about after sedation

- I know people talk about things after sedation

- I had a lot of secrets that i felt sure would get me in massive trouble at best and months to years of lectures, “spiritual direction”, and punishments/restrictions at best

- and I felt like there was no protection from me saying something after sedation that implicated me in liking stories I shouldn’t or saying a cuss word or mentioning I knew someone who was lgbt or something about self harming or something about sneaking on the internet in different ways to read the U by Kotex website articles and tumblr and stuff when I was supposed to only have access to school things

- etc etc

So basically, my brain trained for years that “any medical sedation could lead to you not only being helpless but also lead to you ruining your life and doing the emotional and mental equivalent of being murdered and having the only remaining not-miserable things taken away and having everyone disgusted with you and being constantly a target forever after that”

and so on top of the 1) previous painful cavity filling experiences, 2) my complete lack of privacy or autonomy (including preemptive warnings, explanations, or asking if something was okay) during doctor visits till after age 18, 3) uncomfortable scenarios with not being warned about things medically until they were happening partway through a treatment or exam, 4) lots of times seeing family members have scary altered consciousness or bad complications after procedures, 5) being shamed and terrified into hating my own teeth and avoiding dental hygiene from the stress, and 6) being taught I didn’t own my body and it was a threat and a dangerous temptation so I stopped identifying with it and hated having it and tried to just not care about it, I’m actually so conditioned to feel like after-procedure-times are actually a risk to my life and safety that it only makes sense some really desperate versions of me are trying to make sure this doesn’t happen no matter how extra ashamed I get or how much I’m risking dental and other health and how much worse I’m making everything by letting the tooth rot grow.

I don’t know what to DO about this yet, since I haven’t gotten to a place where I can tell or trust any adult or friend enough to ask them to help or anything, and I’m an adult so I HAVE to handle things myself legally, and I can’t even convince myself to get a psychiatrist or a physical therapist or even tell my new PCP anything that’s wrong with me EVEN THOUGH I DID THE NEW PATIENT VISIT SPECIFICALLY SO I COULD START GETTING MEDICAL CARE…

…but I’m going to not allow myself to be angry with myself and I’m going to try to be ready to jump on the chance when I do feel able to take a leap about this and just get it done no matter how much debt I have to add on to my pile

#because I’m told tooth stuf just gets worse the longer you leave it #and stuff gets more expensive #i already can’t afford a root canal or crown #much less the other cavities #much less the wisdom teeth general anesthesia surgery #but it’s going to be worse if I don’t #so I’m working on it #I’ve been shamed enough I don’t need to keep doing it to myself too #if I thought I might die or be rejected or be abandoned because of anesthesia I’d avoid it like a panicked ferret too #need to practice not being mad at that #health #personal #trauma #tw: self harm #tw: medical #I’d be safe with RJ #my brain trusts her because she WAS the only safe truly and she’s always known my secrets #but unfortunately we’re like >2000 miles apart and also wrangling a traumatized adult through medical mazes is not on anyone’s job descript #ion except maybe really dedicated and over-giving therapists lmao