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#church i can barely listen to like 4 traditional hymns before i start losing my mind and spiraling. i think the only two ways we're pretty
kyuala
·
6 months
Text
SOOOOOO hard to go through everyday life trying to ignore the never-ending feeling that im just irreparably fucked up and therefore should just give up on everything
#this aint exactly s******* but it aint exactly not s******* either
#anyways it gets even harder when i have to live under the same roof as my brother who is so much better than me in every single conceivable
#and imaginable way possible like
#and i knowwww a LOT of it comes down to us having relatively similar yet wildly different lives despite being 1.5y apart and having the sam
#family our entire lives like he has gone through NOTHING and i mean not a single societal issue ive had to face and endure my entire life
#he's a man im a woman. he's white im black. he's straight im gay. he's skinny ive always been 'overweight'. he's always been the good
#christian kid ive always had issues w faith and religion. he's never been mentally ill i was clinically depressed for nearly 8yrs of my lif
#we both lost the same parent and im the only one who got pathological grief and a personality disorder out of it. he's had a great job for
#the last 7yrs that now pays him 20k+ every month ive only had 3 odd jobs my entire life and 2 of those my MOTHER had to give me so i would
#have SOMETHING and ive never made over 1.6k monthly n my last job was minimum wage only
#he's had like 4 relationships and is nearly engaged im so traumatized + emotionally unavailable ive only ever been on 1 date my entire life
#he has a good relationship w every family member we have i have Issues w like half the family. he's always been an active member of our
#church i can barely listen to like 4 traditional hymns before i start losing my mind and spiraling. i think the only two ways we're pretty
#much equal like socially is that we're both able bodied cis and christians but still the cis and christian thing is debatable for previousl
#stated reasons so like. do yall see how much better he is doing than me in every little last area in life and how he's always gotten the
#long straw when it comes to Not having to deal w certain obstacles in life. n i know its like yea idk what it actually is like to be him an
#he could not be doing all that well first of all shut up. second of all if it was 1 or 2 things i'd get it but it's literally EVERYTHING
#and i know bc of said things n our v different lives it's unfair to me to compare the two of us but then it begs the question: WHY
#WHY did i have to go through these things. WHY do i have to deal w this. WHY did i get the short straw literally every goddamn time
#WHY did i have to get THIS life like WHYYYYY why ME GOD. why have I had to put up w all this bullshit for 24 fucking years!!!!!!!!! im TIRE
#and this is not me hating or resenting him i know it's not his fault and he is so good to me
#but still. why was i left with these things? to live like this?
#so yes i guess i do envy him a little bit. who wouldn't
#mari.txt
#personal
#tw negative
#dl
#btw i do NOT mean some identities are better than others. i mean he is better and is doing better than me in life partially bc he's never
#had to deal w certain social issues and obstacles that come w oppressed identities.
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