#dat deep rooted insecurity doe

[squiddybeifong]

The Pie’s Burning

Translation Drabbles: Day Six

Pairing: Taang

Series: Avatar: The Last Airbender

Language: Dutch

--

Aang took a deep breath, willing his hands to stop shaking as he sprinkled lychee nuts and berries into the bowl. He kept his head down and tried to withhold the blush threatening to cover his cheeks. Right across from him sat the source of his discomfort: Toph Bei Fong. She looked as if she belonged in the Fire Nation, her clothes a vibrant mix of reds and golds. He shook some salt into the bowl, stretching to grab the spoon when she refused to budge from her spot.

Toph cleared her throat, her sightless eyes narrowing in annoyance. He pretended not to notice, hastily adding milk and sugar to the mixture. He knew that she felt the nervous pounding of his heart just as well as he knew that he could never out-silence her whenever she wanted to figure out whatever it was that was bothering him.

As much as he loved her way of showing concern, he really didn’t trust himself to speak at the moment. Not about the topic at hand.

He hoped that he wouldn’t have to do this; that he wouldn’t need to confess to her. Before the war had ended she had made herself a vital part of his life but now, as they traveled the world and tried to bring peace to damaged villages, her presence in his life had grown. She already was a constant while he was awake, but now she was everywhere: in his dreams, in his thoughts, in his fantasies. He gnawed at the inside of his cheek, frustrated at his own hesitation.

She was his best friend -- even more than Bumi ever was -- he was supposed to be able to tell her everything. He heard the impatient tap of her toes against the floor and continued to ignore her and her unspoken questions, instead focusing on mixing the dough.

Over and over and over again he thought about how his confession would go and how their friendship would change. There was a chance she would say that she felt the same; but there was a larger chance that she only held platonic feelings towards him. That she would become uncomfortable in knowing about his attraction to her, that she would avoid him. But no, he knew that Toph didn’t avoid people. She had beat it into his head over and over again during his training for him not to make that mistake.

If Toph didn’t like skirting around the issue of his probably one-sided crush, she would just tell him to his face that she didn’t want to be his friend anymore and leave. Maybe she would finally go off, find some students, and settle down in a metalbending school. Maybe she would decide to stay with Zuko and help him with security in his rebuilding nation. Maybe she would go to Ba Sing Se and have a vacation with Iroh. What then?

Then he would be left alone; sure he would always have Appa and Momo travelling with him, and he would constantly get letters from Katara and Sokka and Zuko and Suki whenever they could write; but without Toph by his side, without her being his best friend he wasn’t really Aang. He would just be the Avatar.

No. He shook his head, catching himself before the destructive thinking could consume him even further. He made the mistake of glancing up, wincing a bit as he caught her look. It was honestly amazing how expressive her blind eyes were, they were so murky yet incredibly beautiful and--

No. He couldn’t. She was his best friend.

Frustrated, Toph leaned one elbow on the counter, unconcerned at the powdery flour that clung to her skin. She let out a little huff, the edges of her bangs fluttering. “I’m waiting, Twinkletoes. Get on with it.”

“Would you believe me if I said it was about those language scrolls I’ve been translating?”

“Nope.” She frowned, her nose crinkling in anger and worry, “Tell me what’s wrong, Aang.”

“I’ve been practicing on my pronunciation. I’ve really gotten better.” He forced out a laugh, quickly floating over to the oven. He lit a flame on his palm and fed the concealed fire, desperate to keep his heart rate steady. As long as he didn’t lie she wouldn’t find out…

Shaking his head from the heat, he failed to repress his jump as the short earthbender approached from behind, leaning up and placing a rough hand on his shoulder. Toph yanked him down and rapped her knuckles on the crown of his head, the curl of her lips twisting down in irritation, “You’re doing that flowy airbender thing, Twinkles. Stop avoiding the question.”

“Ik wil met je uitgaan, Toph.” I want to date you, Toph.

She blinked, her face unimpressed. Aang felt a little jolt of nervousness at her arched brow, “And what does that mean? I don’t speak ancient airbender, Twinkles.”

“Aapveren, ik weet niet waarom ik niet kan zeggen dat ik bij je wil zijn.” He stared at her face, transfixed at how the crimson of her tunic made her seem even paler than normal. Monkeyfeathers, I don’t know why I can’t just tell you that I want to be with you.

His gaze slid down to her lips and an idea sparked in his mind for half a second before he dismissed it. That would be a horrible idea. Any aspect of their friendship would be irreparably broken. But he wanted to. Dear spirits he wanted to.

Before he could stop himself, he mumbled out, “Zou je boos zijn als ik je kuste?” Toph hummed in thought, reacting more to the drastic jump in his heartbeat rather than whatever he was asking. Would you be mad if I kissed you?

He sighed, dragging his hands over his blushing face, “Natuurlijk zou je boos zijn. Je denkt dat ik alleen maar een vriend ben. Niets meer dan dat.” He felt as she poked at his shoulder, waiting for a translation he wasn’t ready to offer yet. Of course you would be mad. You think I’m only a friend. Nothing more than that.

Aang turned to her, his gray eyes widening as he realized how close she was. That horribly wonderful idea flitted back into his mind again, and he swallowed thickly. If Toph cared about their proximity or his reaction to it, her features didn't show it, but he was sure that she had noticed.

Against his better judgement, he started to lean closer, feeling as her hands came up to steady her weight on his shoulders. Their foreheads rested together and he sighed, enjoying the scent of jasmine tea and dust that clung to her. He could feel the skin of her forehead bunch up in confusion and came back to reality, jerking away from her with a snap.

He shakily rubbed the back of his neck, awkwardly mumbling out, “Sorry, zoned out a bit.” He backed away from her, barely holding back a wince as he bumped into the counter. He avoided looking at her face, knowing that after that lapse, she knew. “I think the pie is burning…”

“Twinkles…”

He all but stuck his face onto the oven’s door, sniffing exaggeratedly, “Well, would you look at that!” He needed to get out of there. “Looks like it still needs to bake some more. I’ll just go wait with Momo…”

“Aang.”

He froze, just a stride away from the door. For half a second, the idea of ignoring her again and airbending out the door flickered in his mind, but she prevented that, the tile bending up and wrapping around his ankle. She marched up to him, her face worryingly blank.

She merely stood in front of him, her arms crossed and her shoulders squared. They stood in silence for nearly a minute, each second tightening the vice around his heart and making the flutters in his stomach worsen. Still, they stayed silent: Aang out of fear, Toph out of contemplation.

The earthbender tilted her head to the side, her fingers curling into fists along the bends of her arms. Her eyebrows slowly raised in a mocking fashion, and the airbender couldn’t help but be glad that she couldn’t see his face.

“What was that?”

He wanted to sink into the ground, but he knew that it wouldn’t help; she would be able to find him. She raised her chin until they were nearly eye to eye, her expression unreadable. She waited until he finally allowed his eyes to raise to her face.

“I asked you a question, Aang. Answer it.”

The pie seemed to be burning now and he considered going back to the oven.

“No more avoiding this.”

He wriggled insecurely, fiddling with his fingertips. The monk looked away, muttering lowly, “I was going to kiss you.”

There was a beat of silence. Then it was broken by the tomboy’s humorless chuckle, “You were doing a crap job at it.”

Pewter eyes blinked once, twice, three times. Toph seemed to smirk at his dumbfounded demeanor, although she hid her face behind her bangs, apprehensively picking behind her ear. She raised herself up on her toes, smirking confidently as their noses brushed together.

He blushed down to his roots.

Toph grinned, her hands perched on his biceps for balance. Aang noticed the soft blush that covered her cheeks and felt his gaze drift down to her mouth. He licked his lips and leaned down.

She met him halfway.

#toph beifong #aang #avatar aang #taang #tophaang #my writing #translation drabbles

[isilie-kins]

We’re back everybody (and once again, I’m absurdly behind in my reviews)! After a brief and glorious respite from the heavy formation choreography and the blatant pushing of an Ace member – it’s all made a comeback in Brand New Morning, Momusu’s declaration of war on 2017.

Ok, well it’s actually not a war declaration. It’s an uplifting song about moving forward in confusing times and using all your power for good and so forth; it’s the usual morning fare with perhaps a whiff of politics (although to say this song is about Trump seems stupid to me). But this is a BRAND NEW morning (get it?) and we have two fabulous new members to shake things up.

I didn’t expect this kind of a pv though. I mean, it certainly suits the song, but this is taking the formation dance thing to an absurdly literal place.

The last couple of singles haven’t struck me as heavily formation the way Help Me or Brainstorming are, and there hasn’t been any Ace to push either. They gave Maria a chance to center in Sou Ja Nai and BOSS, Masaki-kins, Fuku-hime and Oda have all had their moments. Mostly, 2016 was a year of unity for Momusu; I was just getting used to the idea of ‘no ace’ and enjoying how much everybody has grown (except maybe Haga, who just is kinda there – adorable, but not really a big part of things yet).

But as soon as I saw this face:

I thought, “Yep. Yokoyama’s gonna be the promoted one, for sure.”

You know how I know? It’s not just because she’s younger and has the kind of generic idol face the Japanese public loves (settle down – I’m not saying she isn’t cute because she definitely is), it’s because I ALWAYS like the one they don’t promote as much better than the Ace.

And I LOVE Kaedi. I think she’s fierce and poised and has strong deep vocals that are really going to add a lot in the future. Besides, she’s demonstratively worked her ass off to be here. We already know she has drive and ambition and you can tell me that the fruits of her labour aren’t clear in her fabulous debut, but I won’t believe you. More than possibly any new member I’ve ever seen, she just blended into the group like she’d always been there. I still notice her, look for her, appreciate her, but she fits in so well that you can only tell she’s new when she’s answering questions; when performing she’s all in and on fire.

Yoko, on the other hand, got in after barely three months of work. Which is fine, I mean, good for her, but if we compare them to each other, I’m not seeing why Yoko deserves to be pushed more. Maybe because of her lack of experience/exposure, but I doubt it.

I also need to point out what many people have pointed out: that she has the same confidence and sly ambition as Riho and that she sings EXACTLY like Zukki. And her name is Reina.

I mean why don’t you just punch me in the FACE, Momusu!?

WOA! Ok, sorry! Also: perfect solo line is perfect. I love her voice. Duet with BOSS about who is more ikemen – now!

You know as much as I complain about one being promoted more than the other, I love the dynamic between these two. Kaedi worked hard for years to get a major debut and now that she has it, she still seems so floored with her victory that she’s perhaps a bit absentminded when she talks. However, her background with H!P Eggs (they will always be Eggs – don’t bother correcting me) has given her confidence and poise in both singing and dance. There’s a real ikemen feel to her even though she has an elegant stature. After working for years for this chance, I seriously doubt she’ll let Yoko just take over.

Yoko, as I’ve said, reminds me of debut-age Riho: she’s absolutely ambitious without alienating anyone  (she has that cute, reassuring smile, after all), she has a background in dance, with singing being a bit more difficult for her, and she’s instantly getting a ton of close-ups and attention from the Japanese fans. Her smirk is the same debut face as Riho. When given the chance to talk, she’ll talk a ton. Have you seen her replies in the Pocket mornings?? Then there’s the crooked-baby-teeth-super smile…

As I mentioned before, they have such an odd senpai-kouhai paradox: Kaedi is the senpai but now they’re part of the same generation, so they’re equal. Kaedi has worked diligently while Yoko (I can’t call her Reina; it’s too traumatic) got into a group quickly on some mysterious charm. The other members cried in happiness that Kaedi had finally gotten in, while they are now constantly mentioning and promoting Yoko in their blogs…Our 13th gen seem to be on good terms, but they definitely get their digs in to each other.

It’s gonna be a fight indeed…in fact it looks like Kaedi kinda punched our little Yoko in the back of her head. Oooh that smarts.

After all, isn’t this pv all about aggression? It’s absolutely saturated in red. Red is an aggressive colour; it means passion and fire and no-time-to-mess around. Coupled with that militaristic marching, what else are we supposed to think about?

Also did anyone else notice this thing:

This red flash happens a few times and I really have no idea what it is. Some angry swiss cheese?

My first thought was, “blood cells”, which it isn’t. There is something biological about that image. Unless, it is angry cheese, in which case, colour my face… red.

*rimshot*

Fuku-hime mentioned the theme is “marching band” and since Momusu have had a few years to get used to formations, they seem to form their X, circle and triangle shapes effortlessly. The costumes are the right mix of cute and strong, although I was hoping for a revival of the Rival Survival concert gear. I suppose I’d have to wait for a concert for that one.

Since the theme is marching band, we gotta have some flag-bearer action! BOSS!

BOSS seems pretty excited in this one, although I honestly didn’t notice her much until her solo lines.

B: “I don’t care if you didn’t notice me – I’m INVINCIBLE.”

B: “RISE MY FANGIRLS AND SWEEP THIS STAGE CLEEEEAAAAAN-“

The terrifying power of our Ikemen: everyone is swooning and they don’t even know why! Look at her eyes people; she’s losing it!!

I love everything about this cap, especially Maria’s very matter-of-fact way of punching the camera. And what’s with that extra hand on Ayumin’s shoulder??

Seriously though, good luck competing with Kaedi for who’s the most boyish, Boss. She’s already protested that her and Kaedi look too much alike and their interests align and therefore clash too. If you notice in some of the performances, Kaedi started to part her hair on the other side…

Y: “Haaaaay, guuuuuuys. Dis about me?”

No, Yoko. No, no. I’ve talked about you already. Just cause there’s a million shots of you doesn’t mean you can just keep popping up like this.

Y: “Whatevs.”

Ahem.

Moving right along…

Today she isn’t Fuku-hime…she is RIIDA!

Honestly, Fuku-hime seems so leader-like in this pv, in a way I haven’t really seen before.

F: “Don’t you steal now. As your princess, I simply don’t approve.”

As far as her performance, it’s pretty much flawless as always. The only thing close to a complaint I have is how quietly she sings during lives. Some times she just doesn’t project enough. I mean, that could be the sound guys screwing up, but since it’s happened so often, I don’t think so. I hope she’ll really belt it out in concert, because you can’t just be ‘cute’ in this kind of song.

…Ok, fine, maybe you can.

F: “Hail to da riida, baby!”

Case and point about cuteness: Haga-chin, who is so adorable whenever she pops up that I don’t even mind how I keep forgetting she exists.

Look at that little face – how can you get mad at her??

Y: “Dat’s just like meeeeee!”

HEY! What did I say, Yoko?! Get outta here! And you STOP that winking!

Ikuta brandishing the MM flag like a weapon! That outta keep them haters away.

Does anybody actively hate Eri-pon? I’m planning a post about her so I won’t go into it too much, but I’ve noticed she’s gotten a lot more sullen in the past few years. She’s still trying really hard, she’s still smiling and being adorable and being the most photogenic of all the members (except maybe Oda, who is so freakin’ gorgeous this year that I can’t even sentence make!), but there always seems to be a frown in her eyes.

But let’s talk about her solo part please!

She gets the second bridge line and I don’t think she’s ever sounded better. It’s a bittersweet line and she delivers it with that unique, but rarely seen Eri-pon vulnerability; I even hear some of that vibratto she’s developed. It was just such a sweet delivery. I nearly teared up I was (am!) so happy for her. I feel happy when members we never hear from get solos, but I’m almost never emotional about it! Eri-pon just wants it so badly! >_<

I think a lot of the girls, despite speaking in rather high registers, don’t have the singing range for super high-pitched melodies. You could also argue they aren’t sure how to hit those notes without bellowing.

I have said it before and will continue to say it forever: singing is a skill and your voice is a muscle as well as an instrument. Using it properly, so that it won’t crap out in three years or get ruined forever, is critical for girls who sing constantly and sing LIVE. We laugh at singers who take ridiculous precautions before their concerts: drinking odd herbal concoctions or not speaking at all until the performance or making ridiculous noises repeatedly to “warm up”, but then these people sing and we shut the hell up because all those preparations WORKED.

This range is somewhere between low and high; it’s easy to sing, just girly enough.

I’ve seen Eri-pon perform this line on shows and she’s clearly not used to getting a center part, but I hope her shyness and insecurity won’t get the better of her. She’s probably the Musume I’m rooting for most, even if she isn’t my favourite.

Y: “Haaaaaay, I’m totally fiiiiiiine with center parts, ne?!”

Yoko, for fracks sake…

ERI-PON WILL ROUNDHOUSE YO’ FAYCE IF YOU DON’T QUIT IT!

Let me just mention here again how amazing Kaedi is during her solo moments.

*dies*

Close-up shots are usually a clear indicator of how much improvement is needed, or how much the girl’s confidence has developed. Kaedi is wonderful to watch. I didn’t get any of the derp I usually find in 12th gen, or the wide-open mouths I find with the 10th. Kaedi seems to already be able to feel the song and not fuss about whether or not she’s enunciating a lot.

Plus there’s the fact that she’s so gorgeous and elegant.

K: “Don’t forget the guns.”

Epic elegance.

I’m not actually sure if that is Kaedi or BOSS…

B: “I-I can’t remember either!”

B: “Who….who am I?”

Boss, settle down. This is Kaedi!

Y: “Hey…hey MOVE KAEDIIIIII-“

An example of both derp and the wide-open-mouth-syndrome. The struggle is real.

I had to include all three of the best shots of Maria, because if you can’t cap Masaki-kins, Maria is where you’re going to get all your unbashed joy. She doesn’t get to do much in this pv, but I always notice her and she always has at least one moment like this one.

…Then she’ll turn around and be gorgeous. She’s totally won me over folks, even with all the Loverinrinwhateveritis nonsense.

Y: “Haaaay, listen, I won’t evar do gags like that, ok? I am an ace.”

Well Kaedi will give us a random Aiiiii~n fail-face in the middle of pwning the choreography. I think you can afford to give us at least one fail-face.

If you’re gonna keep popping up, at least you can give us a renewed Reina-fail.

Y: *random goat noises*

…Okay.

Let’s move on to a completely different kind of awkward and talk about Ogata now.

Ogata has finally gained enough weight to be able to hoist the MM flag. Well..hold it anyway…well mimic holding it. They probably CG-ed in the actual flag…

O: “Look, I didn’t come here to grow an angry Riida out of my head and listen to insults, ok?”

It’s not an insult, really. I’ve just noticed how skeletal she looked in the past few years and now she looks a bit more healthy now. That isn’t really the point though. The point is that there is something about Ogata that means I keep noticing her. It’s probably because she’s just so damn odd.

There’s something odd about that whole 12th gen, isn’t there? Haga is like a stuffed-animal, but can be a bad-ass when she gets the idea; Maria is s giant-smilie-face come to life, but is incredibly versatile as a performer (even if her voice is still pretty rough); Nonaka is derpy even though she’s the most composed out of all of them; and then there is vacantly smiley Ogata who can’t sing and always seems awkward until you strap a pair of skates on her (seriously, look it up – she’s quite capable and looks very comfortable on the ice).

What is this expression? I DON’T KNOW!

Ok…we’ll leave on that note.

Perfect Oda is perfect. Wait…that IS Oda, right?

HAH! Found you!

O: “Woa, center again! No waaaaay!”

I confess 2016 was all about Oda for me. Once I discovered her strange tension with Ayumin and her ‘bullied’ character, I was intrigued. I’d been thoroughly blown away by her birthday solo performances, but I’d never quite seen her as an ace, or potential ace. She’s kept powering up, and I’ve kept wanting to learn more about her. Ultimately what I discovered is, I really like her.

I think she’s gorgeous and I love her voice. I feel like she didn’t really have a character before last year. She was just sorta there as a pleasant back-up. Then one line from Ayumin in a dvd magazine (“I don’t wanna be on camera with Oda.”) led me to discover that they bully her a bit. And rather than shrinking away, she loves it. She requests that they bully her more. It’s like finding her place has given her the confidence to really push herself in performances. Yasuda Kei was a bullied character and it turned her into probably the most infamous member of them all! Being bullied can be a gold mine!

Before the Sexy Cat business, I really couldn’t say she was a potential ace, but that single felt like a starting point. Even if Yokoyama is gonna be pushed, I doubt Oda will stay on the sidelines for too long.

I couldn’t honestly say she’s my favourite member though; I don’t really have a favourite, which is another strange and wonderful thing about this lineup. I feel like I’ve always had someone I’m watching or noticing more than others. Sure, Oda has my favourite voice, but I also love Fukuhime’s voice; I love BOSS’s ikemen stuff and the craziness of Masaki-kins; I’m rooting for Eri-pon and I adore Maria’s nonsense. I simply can’t decide.

There isn’t anyone to really dislike either. Call me boring, but I like that.

Y: “Oh, so dis means you like me? Oooooh…”

Sure, Yoko. Now please be quiet. *sigh*

Turning around is apparently Ayumin’s specialty. I don’t get it any more than you do…

Ayumin has changed so much. I still get that Daichi feeling from her, but now that I know she doesn’t get along with Oda (“they don’t ‘match’ well” – however you wanna say it), she seems a bit more cut-throat to me.

You can call it bias if you like, but I don’t think she’s really shown that side of her. All that aggression in her dancing is finally coming out in her personality. It’s like Riho’s exit finally freed her to aim for center. Or maybe I’m just more wary of her because this Oda thing doesn’t feel like it’s just for tv. Played up some times, sure, but it feels pretty real.

I certainly don’t dislike her and some tension in the group doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It’s not like Oda and her can’t do variety together, it’s just pretty tense when they do. I guess I didn’t think Ayumin was that kinda girl.

Hey, sometimes when you’re wrong, you’re pleasantly surprised.

If she’s pushing forward, I’m loving it. Her voice isn’t my favourite but I respect how much work she’s put into her singing. I love that they’re finally using her rap skills (not in this song, but in Jealousy, Jealousy – the Tsunku addition to this lovely single) and I hope that will become a permanent thing.

Be honest: H!P rap is usually a sad, albeit cute, failure, with lots of ‘uh’, ‘like dis’, and ‘you know?’s. Let’s not forget ‘yo, check it out, yo’.

*facepalm*

Speaking of facepalms, who are the derp-iest derps who ever derped?

Both: “It’s YOU!”

That’s correct!! Both: “Hooray!”

It made me laugh so much when I saw they’d paired up Mega-Derp Iikubo and Derp-chan Nonaka. The two Derps sound great together, blending surprisingly well. It’s fitting as they both seem to cycle from derp-to-cool over and over. Iikubo has fewer instances now, but she’s probably the originator of the derp-face. I was so happy they were together here.

It’s nice to see them get some play. Iikubo felt oddly absent last year, I think suffering from some health issues (please correct me if I’m wrong here) and when she was around she’d sorta fade into the background. There wasn’t even any of her “sweet, sweet honey time” in backstage moments.

Nonaka has been moving up steadily. I read a few rants about how her English-speaking was going to alienate Japanese fans. I don’t know if that’s true, but whether the fans are intimidated or not, she’s gotten a lot of opportunities with those language skills. Her singing has improved every year and her confidence never seems to waver. She always looks so comfortable, even when she says she’s nervous.

N: “Haaaaay, man, don’t like- don’t -no, I’m not that – no…”

I: “Oooh, I’m not derpy at ALL in this!”

True enough, Iikubo, but you’ll always be Mega-derp to me, no matter how many sweet-sweet-honey-times you have.

LOVE the dance-break! So much fist-throwin’ and stompin’ goin on!!

That’s really all I got here. Two new members kill it.

*squee*

So 2017 is starting to take shape as a year about unity. Everything about this slams strength-in-numbers into your face: the formations, the militaristic feel, the flag brandishing. After all, the idol-business is a war for fans and sales and how does Momusu compete?

By dancing and singing…

Together, in unity!

And of course, they want all the fans to move forward and do positive things with whatever strength they have. It’s a lovely message at any time, but I suppose if you’re taking it as a political statement, it’s particularly fitting right now.

This is ‘brand new morning’, pushing forward with their new members, their long history, and their strong unity holding it all together. You could argue the song is “too strong”, but after last years Mukidashi de Mukiatte I feel they are at a level to pull this off. The new members don’t slow it down one bit.

Y: “I’m da ace. Dats why.”

I wouldn’t be so sure about that, Yoko.

~Isilie

Brand New Ace Formation We're back everybody (and once again, I'm absurdly behind in my reviews)! After a brief and glorious respite from the heavy formation choreography and the blatant pushing of an Ace member - it's all made a comeback in Brand New Morning, Momusu's declaration of war on 2017.

#Fukumura Mizuki #H!P #Haga Akane #Iikubo Haruna #Ikuta Erina #Ishida Ayumi #Kaga Kaede #Kudou Haruka #Makino Maria #Morning Musume #Nonaka Miki #Oda Sakura #Ogata Haruna #PV #Sato Masaki #Sayashi Riho #Suzuki Kannon #Yokoyama Reina

[little-murmaider]

Fic: Caught in a Bad Showmance

This is @cynicalginger​‘s fault. They tricked me (or I tricked myself...the point being I was tricked) into writing a “fake relationship that turns into a real relationship” fic and now I sTARTED ONE on top of the other 10,000 FICS I STARTED AND HAVE YET TO FINISH. The plot is Toki and Skwisgaar are forced to fake a showmance for Reasons as a PR stunt, with plans to Consciously Uncouple after a set period of time. It’ll be a satire of voyeuristic celebrity couple culture a la Kimye and Taylor Swift (mostly T Swift God why have I retained so much information about T Swift and yet I cannot remember basic math). It’s needlessly elaborate, and so I have my doubts I will ever complete this. But I did finish this scene, and that...is something. Also see if you can guess what series I mainlined this weekend I BET YOU’LL KNOW.

“Okays, so, ifs I understandings rights, dis show ams abouts alives, gay rocks?”

“Dat’s oversimplifyings. It ams also abouts family, and friendship, and discoverings you place ins de world as you grows into de best yous you cans be!”

“But dat blue rocks and dat green rocks ams totally goingks to make outs, right?”

The pair lounged on Skwisgaar’s bed; Toki upright and cross-legged, Skwisgaar supine on his side. Initially he’d sprawled out, hands hooked behind his neck to better view the screen, but the angle put undue strain on his upper back. When Toki flipped to the next episode Skwisgaar shifted sideways, feet dangling over the edge of the bed, propping his cheek on Toki’s thigh like a makeshift pillow. Toki’s hand landed on the crown of Skwisgaar’s head, kneading gently into his scalp. Neither had questioned the phenomenon of their new, unconscious ease in physicality. Skwisgaar theorized it was a side effect for their demonstrative affection in public--the press nitpicked every miniscule touch, treating each as a symbol of their undying devotion or a crack in their blissful facade, whichever narrative was selling more that week. Even in private, Skwisgaar found himself putting a hand on Toki’s back to guide him out of a room; unbothered whenever Toki plucked stray hairs off Skwisgaar’s clothes. He assumed would blow over once their contract was up next month. For now, whatever. The light scrape of nails presented itself in the contact, and Skwisgaar let out a contented sigh. Toki laughed.

“I didn’ts know scratching your head mades you such a softy.”

“Hah, ja. My moms used to does it whens I was little. Sort of likes a Pavlovian responses now. Anytimes I gets any attention to my heads I mellow outs.”

“I’ll keeps dat in minds next time you’re havings a meltdown in the studios.” Skwisgaar felt himself go boneless as Toki fanned out his fingers to full length, then withdrew them into a pinched claw. “You don’ts talk abouts your moms a lot.”

His calm spiked with anxiety, nausea rising like a tide. “Eh. Don’ts gots much to talks about.”

Toki finger combed at Skwisgaar’s roots, breaking apart the small knots and tangles he’d created.

“Can I says somet’ing?”

“Shores.”

“Your relationships wif your moms...confuses me.”

“How you means?”

“Sometime when you talks about her, you sounds so bitter. But den sometime when you talks about growsings wif her you sounds almost...affectionates?” He paused. “I’s not sures what to makes of it.”

“Hggggghhhhnnnnn my relations-ips wifs my moms ams...complicates-ted.” It didn’t answer the question, but it was as succinct as he could be. “She tried. Buts she mades a lots of mistakes. I mades a lots of mistakes. I...was alones, a lots.”

“I was alones a lots too. Sucks, huh?”

“Ja.” Skwisgaar drummed on Toki’s shin bone. “I feel bads. Talkingks about dis wif you.”

“Why?”

“Because you hads it way woirse dan mes.”

“It ain’ts a misery contest. We’s just exchanging informations, findings common grounds.”

“I guess.” His hand slid down to Toki’s ankle and squeezed, once. “Still sorries dat stuff happened to yous.”

Silence enveloped them. Skwisgaar tried to distract himself with the colorful images on screen, but worry wedged its way into him.  

“It was bads,” Toki said, at last. “Buts. Toki wouldn’ts be Toki wifouts it, for betters and for worse. And I t’inks I ams pretty cools.”

Hearing the smile in Toki’s voice, Skwisgaar mirrored it. “You has your moments.”

Another silence emerged, breezier than the last. Skwisgaar readjusted to ease the pressure on his neck. Toki had found a satisfying rhythm with his fingers, and it was getting harder to keep his wits about him. Despite his best efforts, Skwisgaar felt himself easing into sleep.

Toki noticed. “I’m not used to seeings you dis relaxed, wifout a drinks or a sluts on hand.”

“I’m comfortables with yous.”

“You nots comfortable wif de other guys?”

“Eh. Yes and nos. If I’m ones-on-ones wif dem or ifs we workings on music it’s different. Sometimes whens we all pallings around, dere’s like, a performatives elements? Like, dere’s dis expected image of how everybodies t’ink I supposed to acts. So I feels obligated to lives up to dat image, evens if I don’ts t’ink it’s totally true representations of me. But I beens doings it so long I don’ts know where de image ends and I starts. Maybe dis self-absorbed moody asshole has beens de real mes dis whole times? I don’ts know. I gets rambly whens I’m tired.”

“I gets whats you mean. It’s like, everybody expect mes to be a dumb screw-ups, so what’s de points trying to convince dem otherwise? May as wells keep beings a dumb screw-ups.”

A pang of guilt knocked against Skwisgaar’s ribcage, knowing his influence was the strongest reinforcer of that insecurity. He pulled gently at the hairs peeking out from the cuff of Toki’s jeans.

“Sorries.”

“Hm?”

“Not’ings.” Skwisgaar felt a fluid, soothing motion travel up his back, looping back down into a pattern. “Whats you doings?”

Toki chuckled. “Figuring outs how fast I cans knock you outs.”

“Ha ha.”

“Den whens you ams indisposed, Toki will sweeps in and does all de guitar parts on de new records!”

Skwisgaar’s eyes fluttered shut as he snickered. “Nooooo.”

The warm, fuzziness of sleep settled over his consciousness. Sounds dipped in and out as he drifted off. “Skwisgaar?”

“Mhm?”

“I’s...like spending times wif yous like dis. It beens, really...nice.”

Skwisgaar hummed, hoping Toki understood the noise as one of agreement. Once he’d stopped his bitching about the indignity of this whole affair, Skwisgaar was surprised how easily they’d adjusted to something resembling domesticity. “Skwisgaar.”

“Mm.”

“You awakes?” Skwisgaar exhaled through his nose to signal, yes, technically still conscious. Though with his eyelids growing weightier with each moment, perhaps for not much longer. He heard Toki’s voice, but couldn’t process the words--only the wash of familiar, undulating noise. He must have nodded off for real, because suddenly he was knee deep in a conversation he had no recollection of.

“You don’ts have to says it back.”

“Says whats back?” he mumbled.

Toki’s roaming hand froze, his fingers tensing on Skwisgaar’s shoulder blade.

“Not’ings. Don’ts worry abouts it. Toki just beings dumb, as usuals.”

“Oh. Okays.” He felt himself descending into sleep again. He stretched and resettled, his shirt pulling out from the back of his jeans. “Stops sayingks you dumb. You ain’ts.”

“Dunno.” Toki’s fingers slipped beneath the fabric of Skwisgaar’s shirt, rubbing circles on the base of his spine. “Mights be.”

#skwistok #skwisgaar skwigelf #toki wartooth #metalocalypse #my fanfic #i need to be less reliant on dialogue #but not today i guess #scandigayvians