#dean as sam’s protector and john’s golden child and the adult of the family. dean as the person

[sammygender]

thinking about how one of the last things john ever tells dean is an admittance that the way he treated him was fucked. & of course this destroys dean and makes it so much harder for him to come to terms w his death right after and with his childhood in general bc he’s spent his entire life chasing after johns approval. he’s spent his entire life telling himself that the way he was treated was okay and justified and that their childhood was good because he could handle it and he was strong enough and that was how it had to be. he’s worshipped john as a hero and seen nothing wrong with any of it. because he’s had to. his entire life is built around this idea there’s nothing else. he’s his dads perfect soldier and punching bag and wife-replacement and suddenly his dads gone & he said he’s sorry and that he shouldn’t have treated dean that way. what the hell is he supposed to do now.

#augh. i don’t know i haven’t seen enough of this show yet but. #thinking about that episode with the abused kid who has psychic powers like sams and sam sees himslef in the kid a lot #but is horrified by the extent of the abuse and keeps saying like. Dean i never thought i’d say this but you’re right dad was pretty good i #guess we were really lucky to have him. it could’ve turned out a very different way. #and deans just like. idk there’s something about his face. like he wants to agree cause this is what he’s always saying but he Cant. #because. well. sams thinking about this kid with circumstances so similar to him who ended up entirely victimised by his father and #thinking Wow i had something that kid didn’t. i had MY dad who was so much better after all (despite kicking me out of the house and #always refusing to support me but wtv) #but really the thing sam had was DEAN. #dean as sam’s protector and john’s golden child and the adult of the family. dean as the person #john winchester comes home to after a hunt the person who tells him it’s okay #dean playing the part of his dead mom and still shielding sammy from the worst of their father and as a result internalising that this was #fine. #what the hell is he going to do now that his fathers dead? after his fathers dead and wrong and theoretically morally weak and admitted hed #raised dean badly? #IDK!!! i’m sure excited to see him continue to break down though #(have just finished s2e2 for future me ref) #supernatural #<- Sorry guys i’m batshit obsessed. #father by the front bottoms dean song of all time #spn #oliver talks

[shallowrambles]

SPN Personalities and foundational attachment ramblings:

Dean is like Mary - Dean's personality is ofc like both parents but very like Mary in terms of his disposition.

But Sam's dreams are like Mary's dreams - Mary’s emotional fantasy mode is to run away from The Life, like Sam wanted to do.

Dean idolizes John's romance - Dean romanticizes staying in the fight (duty) and pining over Loss and Revenge. “You’re acting like dad.” - season 13 Sam post-Cas's death; The mixtape shows that Dean romanticizes his dad’s love story. Probably because it helped him rationalize his dad’s behavior/untreated mental illness. “He’s incredibly broken-hearted. That’s why he’s Like That.”

-- Attachment and family foundations - Good foundation (MARY) - Mary seems to have had a solid foundation in her parents but rejected the family's expectations. Perhaps this is because she felt safe enough to do so? To be continued! I'm not sure how abusive or non-abusive her family was, but her father was seen trying to raise her from the dead pretty far into the Supernatural timeline. I suspect her parents could be tyrannical, but their love was never in doubt. Meh foundation (SAM) - Sam’s foundation was shaky but considerably less shaky than Dean's because Dean acted as a parent. Perhaps Dean's job as a parent mixed with John's lack of scapegoating (Sam was the familial "golden child" as much as he was the cursed child) helped him feel safe enough to rebel? It's possible it's easier for him to rebel against John because Dean is his actual symbolic father instead. Later, around season 8, Sam is so wrapped up in familial obligations that he no longer has the gumption to rebel. Everything has become solely to serve the hunting/family business. This is because he knows Dean will not get out of the business, so he feels that sharing the burden is the only way forward. (Sam is slowly realizing at this point the sacrifices Dean made as an individual, but he still sees Dean as a father that he's disappointing. He thinks sharing the burden will make him more adult and allow his brother a certain amount of renewed freedom. It ofc doesn't. Ironically Sam gets healthy parenting in the following season from CAS of all people! "Nothing is worth losing you." The type of parental support Cas gives Sam he will eventually give to Jack!) Unknown foundation (JOHN) - John's mom Millie seems okay, but his absent father and PTSD from war were definitely affecting his need to exert control on his surroundings. His untreated mental illness seems somewhat separate from his mother and more as a reaction to the world around him. In the prequel, it seems he wasn't so much punished for rebelling as he was getting a sense of control from it. To be continued!

Terrible foundation (DEAN) - Dean had no foundation. (Bobby wasn't enough.) He was expected to BE the foundation for his father and his brother. It was not safe to want things for himself. Everyone else's needs came first. Wanting things and being rebellious were punished with physical abuse and banishment. This haunts Dean in his arrested development throughout his adulthood, poor sense of self-worth, and rejection sensitivity. He wants to hide his entire extended family away in a WWII bunker, for God's sake. Dean tends to look for friends that are willing to share his burdens but not so much that they protect Dean (protecting his family, loved ones, friends is preferred). Dean still rarely wants things for himself. He is comfortable being a friend that is needed (blood donation, for example) but he struggles to let himself NEED anyone. It is THE most terrifying thing for him. Because to have a protector means letting them put themselves in harm's way for him, and he is worthless (see how Mary protects him in later seasons, also all of Cas's arcs). Cas is hard for him because Cas doesn’t actively need care, food, rest, etc. which frustrates his efforts to caretake. Above all, Dean's sense of duty persists.

Totalitarian foundation - Cas had no family, only the faceless service to the 1984-style holy mission. His rebellion was punished by extreme torture and brain damage and culminated in his graphic murder via familial execution. Later, his rebellion (like with John) also becomes a means for him to exert control. He mimicked that which was shown to him as an example: totalitarianism (Godstiel). Later, he reacts to moral injury by rejecting participation altogether (soldier mental illness). Only pretending to be human allows him to partake in rest or enjoyment. Even as a human, he struggles with suicidal pain and not adjusting to "civilian life." (Dean also struggles with dragging Cas back to be a "hunter-in-training" for his own sake...and letting Cas live out his life as a normal human.) Regardless, Cas rejoins the fight on his own. When he does participate again, he defaults to being "of service to the fight," or a weapon of war, or committing cannibalism/war crimes to gain power in order to fight from a position of angelic strength/domination. He prioritizes self-sufficiency and tends to remain distant from the familial homefront. Sense of duty persists.

I guess my point is that it's not just our base personalities that affect how we react to things.

#we are all a mix of our family #the spn fandom has a mighty need to treat parallels on a 1:1 basis #they even fall into cartoonishly treating EVERY case and storyline as a *mirror* #but the very best of the fandom integrates the meaning #resist the temptation to make everything 1:1 #I'm suspicious when we talk more about mirrors than the actual actions of the characters #the mirrors ARE chuck #anyway! #personalities aren’t the only determinant of how you react to strife