#deliberately vague time period but maybe probably post book 5.

[nevertheless-moving]

I wrote it. They ask.

"So you're essentially an expert on honor, right?"

Kaladin blinked at Shallan, unsure what to make of the question. The three of them had finished eating, and had moved to a smaller, shared table for drinks, secluded from the rest of the building by a hazy curtain. The conversation had been drifting lazily from the city's latest scandals to squire hijinks.

"What?" Kaladin finally said, slightly confused at the abrupt change of topic.

"Of course you are, you're the first person chosen by an honorspren in thousands of years!" Adolin said enthusiastically.

"I mean—"

"And you always figure out the right thing to do!" Shallan said.

"That's definitely not—"

Adolin nodded. "Never murder anyone in cold blood, even when they deserve it."

Kaladin sighed heavily. "Where are you two going with this?"

Shallan coughed into her freehand. "Well, you see, we've been having a little debate about...honor."

"And we were hoping you could settle it. Impartially," Adolin said, tone serious.

Kaladin squinted at him. There was something off about his expression. "Can't you ask Syl?"

Syl was meeting with some of the honorspren with newer bonds tonight; she had insisted that she could handle it on her own, and that he should take the night off, but he was sure she would be happy to switch places to come by and give her opinion on other people's business; that was practically a hobby for her. He wasn't sure sure where pattern was, come to think of it; he hadn't heard him buzz in a while.

"Actually we did!" Shallan said brightly.

"She was our first choice, no offense," Adolin said. "I don't think she entirely understood the dilemma."

"It's a bit too, well, human." Shallan took a large sip of her wine, emptying the glass, but didn't waive over a server for more.

Kaladin felt dread start to coil low in his stomach, the fragile relaxation of the evening starting to slip away. "...I'm going to regret hearing about this, aren't I?"

Adolin leaned towards him, turning wide, pleading eyes his direction. "Please, Kaladin?"

Shallan matched him. Stormfather. Not so long ago ago, lighteyes looking at him like that would have filled him with derision at most. What had happened to him.

"Fine." Kaladin leaned back in his seat, giving in. He was a little curious, even though he knew he wasn't going to be happy with whatever he was about to hear. "What is it?"

Shallan straightened, as if to give a presentation before the Queen. Storms, I have a really bad feeling about this.

"Well, as you know, I'm a lightweaver, and can change mine or someone else's appearance, such that they exactly resemble another. I can also create an illusion, so that it appears that an individual is present, when in fact, they are not."

"...Yes?" Was Shallan nervous? Adolin didn't kill another highprince, did he?

"Now, obviously, practicing lightweaving by pretending to be someone else, when done entirely in private, I mean just me, myself, and I, practicing my radiant abilities, can't possibly be dishonorable."

"I guess?"

Adolin leaned forward now, one hand gesturing sharply. "But what if I'm there? I mean, no ones suggesting that it would be acceptable for Shallan to assume a specific private individual's form in public."

"Unless it's to save lives," Shallan said.

Adolin nodded. "Unless of course it's to save lives."

"Or as part of my crown assigned radiant duties."

"Or that, can't forget to mention that."

"Or with said individual's consent."

"Naturally, consent makes all the difference."

"Quite a few shades of grey."

"Truly, once you think about it. Infinite nuance."

Kaladin pinched the bridge of his nose, scowling to keep from laughing. "Did you rehearse this?"

Shallan waved her hand in his face, forestalling any other objections. "In any case! Would we be disrespecting an individual, let's call this person 'Lin' for short, would we be behaving dishonorably towards Lin, were I to assume Lin's form, or have Adolin assume Lin's form, or have Lin appear while both of us are present, soley within the privacy of our chambers?"

Kaladin waited a few seconds for Adolin to chime in, but he just continued staring intently at Kaladin.

"...This is about Lyn?"

"No, not Lyn, Lin," Shallan corrected primly. He could just barely make out a difference. "Neutral born unto. Just, we don't want to say her — say their name specifically, but I thought saying 'the individual' would get unwieldy."

Ok, probably not about Lyn. Unless they're using a confusing fake name to make me think that. He started to feel a throbbing at the base of his skull.

"Is there some specific reason you want to look like... Lin?" He dropped his voice slightly, rubbing his temples. "Is it for a practical reason? Or do you want to make fun of her — them?"

"Definitely not to make fun of them!" Adolin said, voice dropping to match Kaladin's.

"Many people would consider it flattering," Shallan whispered. "For their form to be assumed in this specific context!"

"We're just not certain if Lin would think that, and we're worried that it would be worse to ask."

"So we decided to ask you instead, since again, you're —"

Kaladin waved a hand at her before they could jump into another bizarre routine. "Honorable, yes, whatever, fine. I get it."

Adolin put a hand on his arm, expression earnest. "Look. If you think we should just directly talk to Lin then we'll do it. We just...don't want to embarrass them, or hurt their feelings in someway. We genuinely aren't sure how they would react, and I mean. You don't have to ask someone's permission for thinking about them, but this is a step up from that, and it's not like there's many people who have had the option, so...hence the uncertainty, and asking for a neutral, completely unconnected, third party opinion."

"Alright, I...guess that makes sense? In an extremely weird way." Kaladin looked between the two of them. Shallan's expression was open and honest, but unfortunately that didn't mean much. Adolin was earnest, but there was something weird about his posture. Guilty? Excited? "But why do you want to see a lightweaving of Lin in private so much?"

Shallan pretended to take a sip out of her empty glass. "I assume you can guess, bridgeboy. Is it really necessary for us to say it aloud?" She had just a hint of red staining the tops of ears, but she colored easily. It could just be the alcohol.

"I really don't know," Kaladin said, baffled. "Is this a lighteyes thing? Like you want to, I don't know...model fashion on them?"

"Ooh." Adolin suddenly looked far too eager. "That's actually not what we were thinking."

"I didn't think it was a lighteyes thing," Shallan said. "But I suppose it could be. I don't have a significant enough sample size to presume." That was clearly a joke there that Kaladin didn't get.

Adolin cleared his throat. "Well." He made another sharp motion with his hands, letting Kaladin go. "As you know, Shallan and I are married."

"Yes, I was at your wedding," Kaladin said dryly.

"We are married," Adolin repeated, talking over him. "And that comes with certain... duties and privileges."

"Among which—" Shallan was definitely blushing now. "—and I suppose this could be considered an, ah, 'lighteyes thing,' is well. The need to create an heir."

They can't possibly be asking me this. Kaladin looked desperately to Adolin, but the man just gave him a sheepish, apologetic grin.

A small part of Kaladin curled up and died.

Blood Of My Fathers.

"No," Kaladin said. "Absolutely not. You are not asking me about something to do with your sex lives."

"You see," Adolin said. "I know you've said you don't have interest in, well, any of that. But for many the process of creating an heir is not just—"

"ARGH." Kaladin threw his arms up, crossing them over his head.

"— a responsibility but a pleasure which—"

"Almighty's Tenth name!"

"—can be performed creatively—"

Kaladin pressed his head to the table, burying himself in his arms to hide his too warm face and probably disgusted expression.

"Stop. Please. Stop." He knew he was whining in a way ill befitting a Windrunner of his Ideal, but the booth they were in was private, and Adolin and Shallan had seen him in far less dignified circumstances.

"Sorry," Adolin said, patting him on the shoulder. "Just wanted to make sure you understood."

"Well I don't!" Kaladin said, looking up but not lifting his chin from his arms. "And I don't storming want to! Why can't you just look like yourselves! I thought you liked how each other looked! I've literally caught you drooling!"

Adolin frowned. "I don't drool, bridgeboy."

Shallan's face was nearly as red as his face felt, but her expression was significantly more gleeful. "I…there may have been one sparring session I observed…that may have generated a small amount of moisture."

Adolin cocked an eyebrow, and smirked. "Moisture, huh?"

"I hate you two," Kaladin lied emphatically.

"Sorry, Sorry." Adolin patted him on the shoulder again. "So? What do you think?"

"I think Rlain is right and its a storming miracle humans have managed to accomplish anything when most of us are permanently stuck in mateform."

Adolin heaved a dramatic sigh. "About our question, Kal, come on. We know you don't like talking about this stuff but that's exactly why we needed your opinion! You're unbiased!"

"And honorable, yes you said. Have I mentioned before that the rewards for being honorable blow?"

They turned twin pleading expressions toward him and he caved immediately. Storms, he had gotten weak. "Battar and Shallash, fine," he snapped. "Fine, give me a minute, alright. Just stop talking. "

The two waited, Shallan only opening her mouth to make a joke twice, Adolin successfully nudgeing her quiet each time; Kaladin lifted himself up, elbows on the table and head in his hands as he looked down, forcing himself to actually give it serious consideration. Wait, I thought Veil was the one who was attracted to women. Oh. Right.

"Alright," he finally said. "I get that people can't always help what they...think about. That's fine. And I also know that trying not to think about something sometimes makes people think about it more, so."

Adolin and Shallan nodded. "You have no idea," Adolin said. "Seriously, I love Shallan, I've absolutely tried not looking at other women's — anyway. It's so much easier to just forgive eachother the occasional wayward glance or errant thought." They squeezed each others hands.

Kaladin sighed. "Right. Sorry if I came off as judgemental."

"No, no, you've made it very clear that you don't like talking about such things, it's completely reasonable to be unhappy. We are sorry for the times we...overshare in front of you."

"It's fine," Kaladin said curtly. "Really. I know you try. Anyway. I also understand that people sometimes, er, fantasize. That way. About things or people they don't actually want in real life. And. Uh. Sometimes people... act that out."

Kaladin stared determinedly at the table, face hot. There was a swirling pattern in the marble that he hadn't noticed before.

"You do?" Adolin said, sounding surprised.

Kaladin coughed. The swirling pattern kind of looked like a river, viewed from above. "There. Might have been an incident, early on in the army, when I heard a couple and, er, overreacted slightly. They took the time to explain things in... painful detail. It's fine. None of my business."

"That's. Very open minded of you," Shallan said, sounding slightly strangled. "Tell me, when the couple was explaining things — oof." Kaladin didn't look, but he was fairly sure Adolin just stepped on her foot, something he was infinitely grateful for. It had been an extremely mortifying lesson. The pair had said they weren't mad about being interrupted, but he was fairly sure they were lying, considering how much detail they went into in their explanation.

"Honestly, the whole...dressing weird, or calling eachother names or using ropes or whatever—"

Adolin made a choking noise. Kaladin kept looking at the little river pattern in the table. If he squinted there were mountains and farms too.

"—all that stuff isn't more or less...unappealing. To think about. Then just regular sex." Kaladin paused. "That is not permission to talk about that sort of thing with me. Please don't share anything about your sex life with me, ok?"

"Of course!"

"We know."

"So," Kaladin continued, rubbing his cheeks to try and get rid of the blush. "Wanting someone isn't breaking your vows. Neither is thinking about them. Probably talking about them is fine too."

He ran his finger along the small river in the polished stone. He could practically feel two sets of light eyes drilling a hole in him.

"My concern, of course, would be for Lin. If playing around with their image would affect the real person. My main concern is it will impact the way you two interact with them."

"If we thought it did then we'd stop immediately," Adolin swore without prompting. "The real person matters far more than our...baser feelings."

"Absolutely," Shallan agreed softly. "We truly don't want to hurt them. That's why we've been struggling with this."

"I believe you," Kaladin said, scrubbing a hand over his face. "Alright, so you've already been...thinking about them, while together, and it hasn't impacted your interactions with the real person."

"No!"

"Trying not to think of them that way was worse," Adolin said ruefully. "I am...fairly sure they have not noticed any feelings on my part, and even if they had they've ignored them very politely so...like I said, if messing with lightweaveing changes that, we'll stop right away, but I don't think it will. We know who they are."

Kaladin studied the marble some more. He was pretty sure he had flown over somewhere in Alethkar that looked a bit like that riverbend, but he couldn't remember where.

"You cannot do this anywhere someone could possibly see or overhear," Kaladin said, looking up to make brief, serious eye contact with each of them. "Not visiting another city. Not where guards or servants could overhear, even trusted ones. Not in the duelist preparation chamber — yes I know about that. Not while exploring the less used parts of the city — yes, I heard about that too. Not in your sitting room or against the door, where someone passing by could overhear. Just in your own bedchamber, door locked."

"That sounds reasonable," Shallan said, flushing but solemn.

"Very reasonable," Adolin agreed, nodding sharply.

Kaladin grimaced, looking back down at the table. "I think...while part of me says you should ask Lin directly...that also sounds somewhat humiliating for everyone involved. I mean, again, it's more similar to thinking about someone than anyone else, and even if they were, er, flattered... It's not like you would actually be able to sleep together anyway, with your marriage oaths, so it would be a moot point."

"...Right," Adolin said unconvincingly. Kaladin decided not to think about that.

"So... it's alright?" Shallan said hopefully. "With those conditions? Not dishonorable?"

Kaladin forced himself to look up again, and immediately regretted it. They both looked far too eager.

"Not dishonorable," he sighed, closing his eyes and leaning back.

"Thank you!" Adolin said, with way too much passion.

"Thank me by never speaking to me of this again, and never asking me anything like this for the rest of our lives."

"Yes to the first one, no promises to the second," Shallan said gleefully. "Well. Now that we've discussed that matter, how about we get back to talking about—"

"Leave. For the love of all that is good, please leave," Kaladin begged, not opening his eyes. Shallan took advantage of this by kissing him lightly on the cheek. Adolin hugged him from the other side.

There was the sound of spheres tossed on the table and rapid movements, and then they were gone.

Kaladin opened his eyes, shaking his head. One of them had knocked over a glass in their haste to leave. They had, of course, left a small fortune to pay the bill.

He left the winehouse feeling...bemused mostly. Maybe he'd go find Rlain and they could gripe about humans and mateforms together. He would probably not make eye contact for Lyn for the next week, even though he was fairly sure they were talking about Isnah or Beryl. Best not to guess. He kicked off from the ground, the rush of wind immediately clearing away discomforting thoughts or lingering stress of the day.

He smiled, speeding up and feeling his heart race with the exhilaration that only the sky could bring, with no pressing meetings or appointments to get to. Syl had been right. It was good to take a night off every now and again.

#stormlight archive #cosmere #stormlight fanfic #kaladin stormblessed #shockingly sweet and wholesome considering the premise #asexual/sex repulsed Kaladin Stormblessed #Prude kaladin Stormblessed #shadolin #unrequited feelings #nevertheless writing #oathbringer spoilers #nevertheless cosmere #deliberately vague time period but maybe probably post book 5. #Shallan and Adolin are such trash. I love them. #if anyone feels like betaing this for ao3 posting send me a message

[foursprout-blog]

This Is How To Easily Make Your Relationships Awesome: 4 Secrets

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/this-is-how-to-easily-make-your-relationships-awesome-4-secrets/

This Is How To Easily Make Your Relationships Awesome: 4 Secrets

***

Before we commence with the festivities, I wanted to thank everyone for helping my first book become a Wall Street Journal bestseller. To check it out, click here.

***

Relationships are important. Like, more-important-than-Vitamin-C important. Scurvy is no fun but a lack of relationships might kill you faster.

From The Relationship Cure:

A study of people living in Alameda County, California, for example, showed that people who had close friendships and marriages lived longer than those who didn’t. This was true independent of such factors as diet, smoking, and exercise. Another study, of 2,800 men and women over age sixty-five, showed that those with more friends had a lower risk of health problems and recovered faster when they did develop them. In addition, a study of 10,000 seniors at Yale University showed that loners were twice as likely to die from all causes over a five-year period as those who enjoyed close friendships.

But what makes them work? What makes them fail? What’s the essential building block of a relationship? Why do some spark and others fade? You might have a theory or two but I don’t think we know what really keeps love, friendship, and family going.

And that, frankly, is kinda terrifying. Luckily, there is someone who knows…

Dr. John Gottman, professor emeritus of psychology at University of Washington, is the guy when it comes to relationships. He’s that researcher featured in Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink who, after just a few minutes, could predict with uncanny accuracy whether a couple would end up divorced.

His book is The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships.

Gottman discovered the key element that makes relationships fly or die. It’s something you can use to build stronger bonds with all the people you care about — and it’s going to surprise you.

Let’s get to it…

  What Makes Or Breaks Relationships?

At the Gottman Institute they bring couples in and watch them talk to one another. Researchers study the content of the conversations and then track how the relationships fare over time.

So what did the successful couples talk about? Did they discuss happy things? Did they resolve problems? Did they talk about things they had in common? Turns out successful couples discuss…

The same boring crap everyone does. There was nothing special at all about the content of their conversations… So what gives?

But this is what led to a big discovery by Gottman. The content doesn’t matter. What mattered was what they weren’t saying. What was beneath the words. And whether their partner was paying attention, being responsive, and being supportive.

From The Relationship Cure:

But after many months of watching these tapes with my students, it dawned on me. Maybe it’s not the depth of intimacy in conversations that matters. Maybe it doesn’t even matter whether couples agree or disagree. Maybe the important thing is how these people pay attention to each other, no matter what they’re talking about or doing…

What proved to be critical was something Gottman calls “bids” — and how the other person responded to those bids. In fact, Gottman says the bid is “the fundamental unit of emotional communication.” And this was true for all relationships, not just romantic.

From The Relationship Cure:

If you could carefully observe and analyze those encounters—as my research colleagues and I have done—you would see how each one is made up of many smaller exchanges. There’s a bid and a response to that bid. Like cells of the body or bricks of a house, such exchanges are the primary components of emotional communication. Each exchange contains emotional information that can strengthen or weaken connections between people.

I know, I know, I’m getting to it — so what’s a “bid”?

From The Relationship Cure:

A bid can be a question, a gesture, a look, a touch—any single expression that says, “I want to feel connected to you.” A response to a bid is just that—a positive or negative answer to somebody’s request for emotional connection.

When you ask, “How are you?” do you really expect a rundown? Of course not. So how much of what we say is really about the information?

“It’s a beautiful day” doesn’t convey valuable data. They can see what you can see. It probably means “I’m glad I’m here with you. Are you glad to be here with me?”

That article your friend texted you might contain useful information. And their sending it might mean, “I care about you enough to send you stuff that interests you. Do you care about me too?”

A co-worker might say, “We should hang out sometime.” Here in Los Angeles this means, “I’d rather crawl naked across four miles of broken glass than ever see you again” but in civilized parts of the world it often means, “I think you’re cool and want to spend more time with you. Do you want to spend time with me?”

It’s not about the content. It’s about the unspoken emotions underneath. Those bids and how we respond to them are the cornerstone of relationships.

(To learn more about the science of a successful life, check out my bestselling book here.)

Sometimes we kinda know this but more often we forget. We get wrapped up in the literalness of it all. And it turns out the bid underneath the words is what really matters.

So bids are crucial. But how do they work?

  Turn, Turn, Turn

They say, “It’s a beautiful day.” From a bid perspective, there are three types of responses:

You can “turn toward” the bid:  “Wow, it really is.”

You can “turn against” the bid:  “What are you talking about? Looks just like yesterday.”

You can “turn away” from the bid: You don’t reply. Or you say, “We’re going to be late. Let’s get going.”

No surprise; turning toward bids is what builds stable, long-lasting relationships. If you want to nurture a deeper emotional connection with somebody, turn toward that person as often as you can.

Turning toward means agreeing, supporting or at least acknowledging the bid. They all tell the other person, “I hear you. I understand you. I’m interested in what’s going on with you. I’m on your side.” High energy responses, eye contact, and enthusiasm all get you extra credit.

This isn’t just important for romantic relationships — it’s the bedrock of all relationships.

From The Relationship Cure:

Children who habitually turn toward their playmates form friendships more easily. Siblings who turn toward one another early on are more likely to stay close for life. Coworkers find it easier to collaborate on projects. Married couples and other pairs have fewer conflicts. Turning toward leads to fewer conflicts, because the partners in a relationship are having the conversations they need to have—the conversations where they demonstrate their interest and concern for each other.

Turning against a bid is giving a belligerent or argumentative reply. And turning away is ignoring the bid or replying with something unrelated. Repeatedly turning against or turning away, over time, harms relationships. No bueno.

When you find yourself in a heated argument over something ridiculous like not emptying the dishwasher, it’s not about the dishwasher. Often it’s because of the lack of respect or attention conveyed when you rejected or ignored those prior 5 bids.

From The Relationship Cure:

My research shows that habitually turning away can eventually destroy relationships. Even if the bidder doesn’t act hurt or angry at the moment his or her bid is rejected, there seems to be some internal mechanism that keeps score. By watching relationships over time, my colleagues and I have seen that the dismissed bidder typically gets fed up. He or she starts complaining to and criticizing the person who turns away, leading to a pattern of attack and defend. And once this attack/defend pattern becomes ingrained in a relationship, it can start a downward spiral of interaction that eventually ends in the dissolution of that bond.

As the saying goes, “It’s the little things.” And it’s how you respond to the little things.

(To learn the four most common relationship problems and how to fix them, click here.)

So you’re turning toward bids and not turning against or away from them. But that’s not the tricky part. The trouble lies with identifying bids and knowing what the other person needs to hear to feel emotionally connected to you.

So how do we get better at that?

  Decode Bids

They say, “We should hang out sometime.” Are they just being polite and you should vaguely agree — or do they want you to specify a date and you’ll seem dismissive if you don’t?

Bids can be subtle. And they vary based on the person and the context. Yes, this can be annoying. But nobody is going to say, “I hereby formally reaffirm my desire to continue this friendship.”

Bids are subtle for a reason. We’re all afraid to be vulnerable. We want to protect our feelings and our ego — but we all also require emotional validation. And much more frequently than we think. So bids are often deliberately vague with a healthy dose of plausible deniability.

I know what some people are thinking: “Am I expected to be a mind reader? Do I need to enthusiastically overreact to everything to be safe? Does every relationship hang in the balance because I didn’t jump up and down?”

You don’t need to be perfect. Everybody misses bids or responds incorrectly. Even people in good relationships screw up around 20% of the time.

From The Relationship Cure:

We learned, for example, that husbands headed for divorce disregard their wives’ bids for connection 82 percent of the time, while husbands in stable relationships disregard their wives’ bids just 19 percent of the time.

You don’t need to be frighteningly enthusiastic all the time. The goal is to try and learn the common bids from the people who matter most to you and what they want to hear from you to feel supported. And you want to learn more about your own bids and what you can do to make sure others are getting the message about your needs.

You probably already do this to a limited extent. You know that when you’re out of town and your partner texts, “How are things going?” they’re not asking about your day. They need to hear, “I miss you.”

So start paying more attention. And start writing things down. Build yourself a “bid roadmap” for each of the key people in your life:

What form do their bids commonly take? What responses made them happy? And which ones did not? What is it they’re looking to hear outside of a very literal response to their words?

How do you usually bid? Do they usually turn toward, against or away in response? What can you change to get a more fulfilling response?

When do you turn toward, turn away, or turn against bids? What do you think causes the response?

When you really get good at this it’s like a superpower. You’re responding to their feelings instead of just their words, and that’s what really improves relationships. It will also help you be more patient when times are tough and address the real, unspoken issues causing the trouble.

From The Relationship Cure:

That’s how it is once you begin to recognize the many idiosyncratic ways that people can make and respond to bids for connection. If you can see past a person’s anger, sadness, or fear to recognize the hidden need, you open up new possibilities for a relationship. You’re able to see your coworker’s sullen silence as a bid for inclusion in decisions that affect his job, for example. Or you can recognize that your sister’s agitation says she’s feeling alienated from the family.

You don’t need to be a mind reader. But start making note of bids and responses and you can actually become one with the people who matter most.

(To learn the seven-step morning ritual that will make you happy all day, click here.)

Alright, you’re tracking and decoding bids. Now how do you improve conversational style so others turn toward your bids and you can better turn toward theirs?

  Curiosity, Depth, And Feelings

If you want to screw up perfectly good interactions with incredible consistency, make sure your initial bids are negative and critical. Hand grenades are tough to come by these days but don’t you worry — starting a conversation with blame and accusation will do almost as much damage.

Gottman can predict with 96% accuracy how an interaction will go just by listening to the tone of the first three minutes.

From The Relationship Cure:

When bids for connection start on such a negative, blaming, or critical note, it’s fairly easy to predict what will happen next. In fact, my studies of married couples show that 96 percent of the time, you can predict the outcome of a fifteen-minute conversation based on what happens in the first three minutes of that interaction. And if the first three minutes include a lot of negativity, blame, and criticism, the outcome is not going to be very good.

On the other hand, playfulness is golden. It not only improves conversations, it can even lighten arguments and help repair relationships.

From The Relationship Cure:

We also discovered the importance of playfulness in people’s bids. For years I have wondered why some couples are able to make jokes and express affection for each other—even in the midst of an argument. It’s an important question because our research shows that such emotional “repair tools” lead to the development of happier, stronger relationships.

Overall, remember three words when you want to have a conversation that deepens your connection with someone: curiosity, depth and feelings.

Curiosity: Ask them open-ended questions. Or ask for advice. Then shut your giant mouth and listen like they’re about to tell you tomorrow’s lottery numbers.

Depth: When was the last time you asked someone about their dreams and aspirations? Ever ask someone about their childhood? Sure beats “How was your day?”

Feelings: Get away from the facts. Ask how something made them feel. Show a genuine interest in their internal world and their perspective. When was the last time you paid someone a thoughtful, specific and sincere compliment tailored to them?

That’s how you deepen an emotional connection.

(To learn how to make friends as an adult, click here.)

Okay, we’ve learned a lot. Let’s round it all up and find out how to create even bigger moments that take relationships to the next level…

  Sum Up

This is how to easily make your relationships awesome:

It’s all about bids: If you think the conversation is about what the conversation is about, you’re in trouble. The content isn’t what’s critical. Responding properly to their bids is key.

Turn, Turn, Turn: Turn toward. Agree, support or acknowledge bids.

Decode Bids: Build yourself a “bid roadmap” for the important people in your life. “When Eric texts me to see how I’m doing it means he’s insecure about the new blog post and wants to hear it was good.”

Curiosity, Depth, and Feelings: And what would your response be if someone very close to you paid you a thoughtful compliment, asked about your dreams in life, and then focused intently on your response? (I might need some tissues, frankly.)

Give Gottman’s research a shot. With practice you can become a mind reading, emotional Sorcerer Supreme with the ones you love.

Now you can take it to the next level and become what Gottman calls a “collector of emotional moments.”

Someone you’re close to makes a bid. You respond perfectly and hit the bullseye. They open up about their feelings and so do you. This is when you really deepen a connection with someone.

From The Relationship Cure:

The key is to look for and celebrate those moments in which you connect with another person on a feeling level. Such moments usually begin by noticing an emotional expression as a bid for connection. You hear something a person says, or you see a facial expression or gesture, that reveals their happiness, sadness, anger, fear, contempt, or disgust. Once you notice it, you let this person know with your words, expressions, or gestures that you understand how they’re feeling. Your demonstration of understanding provides a bridge for emotional connection and paves the way to a deeper, more meaningful relationship.

To feel truly understood on an emotional level is immensely powerful and it’s one of the greatest gifts you can give someone.

The conversation is rarely about what the conversation is about. We want to be emotionally understood by others. We want to connect with others. That’s why we text. That’s why we call. That’s why we talk.

And that’s why some of us write blog posts…

In my next weekly email I’ll be including a PDF from John Gottman with a test you can take to learn your personal style of bidding and responding to bids. To make sure you get it, join here.

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The post This Is How To Easily Make Your Relationships Awesome: 4 Secrets appeared first on Barking Up The Wrong Tree.

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