#did i make her new tartes literally the next day and stay up until 3:30 to do so?

[inkskinned]

one of the hard things to learn, once you're outside of it, is that people will get upset at you sometimes. sometimes they will be hurt, or disappointed, or frustrated. sometimes you will misunderstand them or they will misunderstand you, sometimes they will disagree with you passionately, sometimes they will just have had a hard day and feel annoyed by pretty much everything.

but people who are good people - the kind of people who you should keep - they do not rely on that feeling to guide them. they understand i'm upset right now. when they lash out, they apologize afterward. they take responsibility. even angry out of their wits, they try not to cross boundaries - they don't say things to hurt you, they don't break your things, they don't make you afraid. they take space or deep breaths or write it down before replying. they work hard to not-be-upset, they return to you and say. okay. i'm sorry i lost my temper, that was really upsetting for me. i'm ready to listen this time, let's solve this as a team.

there is a gripping , soul-crushing fear i have of making someone upset. i catastrophize the situation. being upset is dangerous. is to be solved immediately, regardless of what it takes out of me.

there is no person on earth who can always be happy with you. someone who is never upset with you is likely someone who is pretending. but the hard thing for me to learn was that being upset with me was not a binary love/unlove, friend/enemy. it was not - that person hates you now, forever. it was instead - there's a whole spectrum of use for an apology. my trauma doesn't understand the lighter grey shades at all - the idea someone can have just a passing displeasure because i stepped on their foot or misheard their coffee order. that a person might just be upset at the situation, and not even think to hold it against me.

i used to avoid any contact with a person i thought i had even vaguely upset - interrupting them by accident, or, once, because i had not known about a rare allergy before i made dessert for our company - on the assumption that it was one-and-done. once someone disliked me, it was permanent. or else, maybe worse: i would have to work, tirelessly, wrought over with it, like a sick sad puppy. i would do anything to make the person love me. i didn't make a lot of close friends. i assumed nobody really liked me, because of course they don't, i'm annoying. i wanted to get out of their life before they realized i am worse than they had expected. i wanted to get out before i could prove them right.

i wish i could give you a happy ending to this. i am still carrying it with me. people pleasing. my therapist admits she isn't too surprised ("well, it sort of perfectly fits with your history of trauma and adhd"). i feel rejection like an open wound, all gaping and torn inside me. i hate the idea so much that i simply assume the worst and skitter myself into the dark corners, cowering. thinking - i've done it! i've made everyone safe from me! if i'm in here, and they're out there, they can never be upset with me!

and what kind of a life it is. so safe and so potently lonely.

#spilled ink #writeblr #it was a strawberry allergy #i usually ALWAYS ask and i thought that i had #and i had made strawberry tartes #and i fucking still think about it #i felt so bad :( #did i make her new tartes literally the next day and stay up until 3:30 to do so? #of course!!! i'm mentally ill!!! #of course okay to reblog

[elevenhoursinfront-blog]

February 24th 2017

Steve left for work at 0530. He woke me up today which was rubbish as I struggled to get back to sleep. I eventually did, around 0700. I then slept through my alarm at 0900 to 1015. I’m awful when I go back to sleep because I sleep for longer than I would’ve done if I slept straight through. That’s why I also shouldn’t nap. My naps aren’t 30 minutes long, they’re 4 hours long. Some people consider that a sleep. I don’t.

Everyone was leaving the room as I got up. I went down to breakfast. Again, not that hungry. I only had Weetabix. Breakfast is rubbish when you’re lonely. I felt slightly better about being on my own though, yesterday was just a bit of a shock to the system. I got back to the room and it was empty. The room is never empty so it was nice just to potter about knowing nobody was watching me. I got into the shower where I experienced the worst palpitations I’ve had in a long while. Probably the worst in the last couple of years actually. The hospital said I have an extra electric pulse. They wanted to put me on ‘Beat Blockers’ but that means being on medication for the rest of my life. My mum suggested that I say no. I was roughly 19 when they suggested it and Mum didn’t think I should spend the next 70 years on medication. They weren’t really going to help either. It passed after about 3 minutes.  

I sat on my bed and chilled for a minute. I managed to FaceTime Tom as he is basically nocturnal. Tom is my gay best friend. I have to say that he is my gay best friend otherwise people think I’m cheating on Steve. Tom and I are like a married couple. We argue, fight and call each other names but it’s all love. Lots of love. We’ve known each other for years now. He calls himself “her gay best friend”. He loves it.

It got to roughly 1200 when I really needed to give myself a kick up the bum. It didn’t help that it was cloudy outside. I went down to reception to ask if there were any jobs going. Luckily, when you stay at hostels, you can apply to work for them. You don’t get paid but you get free accommodation. Steve and I are paying $466 a week for the hostel. By doing 15 hours a week, I could bring that down to $233. We could pay less too if we moved rooms. You get cheaper rooms by adding more people and taking away the bathroom. We’re happy where we are though. I couldn’t imagine sharing a room with 14 people for the sake of a couple of dollars a night. I also couldn’t imagine not having a toilet/shower in my room. Where do people get changed? There aren’t changing rooms. Plus there’s only 2 showers and 1 toilet between the rest of the rooms on the floor. So, 50 people? No thank you.  Reception will let me know when there are vacancies. They told me one girl is leaving soon so it wouldn’t be long. 

I had sorted my CV’s out yesterday so they were ready to just be handed out. Unfortunately, this took a lot longer than I had anticipated. Reason being - I’m a tart. I was too scared to walk into places and ask to leave my CV there. I’ve never had to do it before and my social anxiety was through the roof. I walked past a restaurant 6 times and sat on a wall before deciding that I couldn’t do it. It was really stressful. I went to another restaurant and looked at the menu outside for a good 3 minutes. I forced myself in and handed it to a member of bar staff. It was fine. Why was I panicking so much? I panicked a whole lot more as I continued. I walked to the Holiday Inn where I planned on handing it in. Nope - couldn’t do it. I walked in and straight back out. What is wrong with me? I continued my walk round to the DeVere hotel where I said was going to be the first place I handed my CV into. I worked in a DeVere at home for 3-4 years so it was a perfect place to start. I walked past it twice before forcing myself in. I did it. 2 CV’s in about 30 minutes. All within a 5-10 minute vicinity. As I was walking back towards the hostel, I past another restaurant/pub/bar place where Steve and I went into once. I walked in to hand my CV and walked out again. I must’ve looked like a complete and utter weirdo. I went back inside and handed my CV in. That was enough for one day. 3 CV’s I managed to hand in before feeling exhausted with anxiety. I will apply online. Much easier.

It was only 1400 when I was finished being a tart and I couldn’t sit in the room doing nothing… I jumped onto the train for 2 stops to Town Hall where all the main shops are. I only wanted to go into Starbucks to apply for more jobs online. I ordered a skinny latte and sat down. I sat on a long booth with multiple tables alongside each other. There was a man next to me working away. In Starbucks, they ask for your name to put on the drink. I’m sure you’re aware - who hasn’t been to Starbucks? Any who, my cup was next to this man’s cup. Before I know it, I’m crying. My cup said “Charlie” and the man’s cup said “Alan”. For those of you that don’t know, that’s my Dad’s name. I sat there and imagined being next to my dad. I must’ve looked like the world’s most unstable person today. How embarrassing. Also, in case you hadn’t realised, I’m the most emotional person in the world. I cry at anything. Everything, in fact. My phone started to ring as I tried to man up. It was an Australian number. I have about 5 missed calls from numbers that I don’t know because I’m too scared to answer them. I did manage to answer before it rang off and lucky I did too. An interview from my brave CV handout today. 1/3 contacted me. Good odds if you ask me. It was the restaurant/pub/bar place that I hadn’t even planned on handing it in to. Tuesday at 1100. Fingers crossed. I left Starbucks. No more emotions please. 

I walked around the shops - Topshop, Zara etc to keep myself occupied. Why does the time go so fast when you’re shopping? Before I knew it, it was 1530. Steve finishes at 1530 so I had to get myself back to the hostel. I wanted to hear about his day. I also wanted to travel back just before rush hour. I got onto the train for the 2 stops and got back to the room about 1600. Steve got in at 1630 as he has slightly further to travel. His day was pretty much the same as yesterday. He did remember his fork and water though. He told me straight away to get ready as he was taking me out. He wanted to treat me as I was feeling low and because he got a job.

We both got showered and ready to go out. It was about 1730 when we left. We got on the train to Martin Place (one stop) and then a bus down to Circular Quay. Circular Quay is where the Harbour Bridge and Opera House is as I’ve mentioned before. We walked along the front for a while before going into a restaurant. I was lovely. We shared a bottle of Rioja and had 2 courses. Starter was a chicken and sweetcorn soup. Sounds quite disgusting (to me) but it was amazing. Steve said it was the best soup he had ever eaten. I had steak for dinner and Steven had the “Challenger Burger”. By the way, he didn’t manage it all. Eyes bigger than belly comes to mind…

We sat at the table after dinner for quite some time finishing off the wine and talking. For the first time ever, I heard Steve say that he loves his mum. He literally said “I love my Mum”. I’ve never heard Steve say anything like that before. Steve isn’t open with his feelings whatsoever, about anything. His mum always tells him that she loves him but he hasn’t ever said it back. It was nice to hear. Steve calls himself a ‘Nanny’s boy’ though. He adores his grandparents. He could talk about them for hours. I wish my grandparents were around long enough for me to have a relationship like that with them. I tell Steve how lucky he is all the time. They treat me all the same though, they’re wonderful. We planned on going bar hopping through the night but we were too full up to even move. If I’m honest, I just wanted to get into my pyjamas. There’s no better feeling than getting into your pyjamas, dressing gown and slippers with a cup of tea. God I miss that. I still haven’t had a cup of tea since I’ve been here. We left Circular Quay and got the train home. We went onto the laptop to try and plan our year. We have no plans set in stone but rough ideas on what we want to see. I think it’s something similar to - Sydney until April/May time, Queensland somewhere for farm work May, June, July time. Then travel down from Cairns to Brisbane doing the East Coast through August. Maybe. Then Brisbane, Melbourne and/or Perth for the next few months. We will be spending Christmas and New Year’s Eve in Sydney. The plan is to be on a private party boat on the harbour for New Year’s Eve. Steve would like to see Alice Springs but I’m not sure we will get time too. He also wants to see Tasmania, New Zealand and Fiji. Luckily, he realises we’re not made of money. We have a few places to play around with though.

It got to 2300 and Steve was starting to fall asleep. I was too but I had no excuse to be other than I’m lazy and I can sleep for England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales, as I’ve also mentioned before. It’s now 0000 and people are just going out. Steve and I are yet to go ‘out out’ properly but there’s plenty of time to do so.

At least, I thought there was. Until I realised today, we are almost done with one month out of twelve.

1/12. That’ll make you happy Dad.