#dirtbrain digression

[dirtbra1n]

you ever wake up at two in the morning with ace attorney thinker glasses on and then suffer consequences for days after. Ha ha

so we’re all on the same page that maya was only so comfortable being such—and I do say this so so so lovingly—a complete leach and pest, leaving phoenix exhausted and harried and dirt poor, because she trusted him not to run away. not to abandon her. not to leave her behind.

because mia did. run away and abandon her and leave her behind. maya LOVED mia and still does, absolutely. ABSOLUTELY. but mia left the village and left maya there alone to bear a burden that wasn’t supposed to be hers. left maya to handle their aunt morgan alone.

like a critical part of their relationship is that mia kind of sucks. this is such high praise for her as a character and a statement of love for her as a person Mia Fey kind of really sucks. she doesn’t not love her little sister, but she had to leave. she had to. leaving the village on one of the old motorcycles they kept in a garage-turned-shack, one that used to make grocery trips before a staff shortage shut down the store fifteen minutes away, and giving maya a long kiss on the forehead, holding her face in her hands, and getting on the bike with underclothes on, the only clothes she has that cover her legs and let her stretch them at the same time. and driving away, leaving maya standing there, alone. so little.

so life goes on. holding onto evidence. blunt force trauma. maya ends up with phoenix in the city—meets him, reserved, convinced she’s going to die in prison. is given the light of his unwavering faith in her innocence. sees the look in his eyes that says, I’m not going to leave you alone. cracks.

the maya fey that we get the privilege of loving, and getting to know, was born in criminal detention. a younger sister that gets to act like it for a while.

until she leaves first, because she can’t abandon pearl the way mia abandoned her. she goes back to the village to train.

have to say that maya’s grief of mia’s death was solely about never getting to really know her as a person. she’s never going to really know her older sister. but it’s solely about THAT because she’s had years to come to terms with the fact that the title and burden of being head of the family was going to be hers. years to practice ignoring the way aunt morgan’s eyes burned at her.

mia was a violent nervous person, by the way. we know this. punches under pressure.

redd white gets back to the gatewater with bleeding teeth marks on his arm.

anyway though. maya goes back to kurain to commit herself to her training, goes back to ignoring the burning in aunt morgan’s eyes. she doesn’t feel good about the way that seven year old pearly is mothering her. not that it’s pearl’s fault.

a mother that doesn’t really care about her happiness so much as her future success. because if morgan really cared about what pearly wanted she’d never DREAM of hurting maya. but that’s neither here nor there.

but phoenix. the three of them a family unit, eventually, when they’ve essentially just got each other. phoenix gets disbarred. trucy comes into their lives. their family unit, plus one.

maya doesn’t feel GOOD, exactly, with watching phoenix go the way he goes (drinking problem, mostly) but damn if she wasn’t born to help run a grift. (pearl does their finances.)

maya DEFINITELY doesn’t feel good about watching phoenix go the way he goes with kristoph, though. not necessarily that maya doesn’t trust kristoph. but those two… maya looks up from where she’s elbow-deep in dish water, turns around to look into the living room where pearl and trucy are passed out on the pullout sofa, past them. looks at the front door phoenix walked out an hour and a half ago to head out to dinner. he promised to bring some shitty too-expensive food back.

he might not be back til morning.

it’s probably not that she doesn’t trust kristoph as a person, but that she knows that those two… really aren’t…… good for each other. like it’s none of her damn business, but geez, nick.

saw a thread on twitter once about how maybe kristoph defended maya once, when phoenix was obviously unable to. I should go and find that again. because that’s kind of what I think happened here.

You didn’t just brain a guy with a juice bottle for no reason. Tell me why you did it.

phoenix wright and his unfailing bone deep trust in people. phoenix who absolutely did not trust kristoph with his life but didn’t really care about that so long as he could trust him to take care of loved ones. phoenix who did, also, fully trust kristoph with his life.

a contradiction. big surprise.

#ace attorney #maya fey #ace attorneys one two and three are kind of totally about maya fey We all know this right #dirtbrain digression #ha. haven’t had to use that one in a while

[dirtbra1n]

I don’t know. I feel like maybe I can get so much mileage out of Weird in ssmyverse because I know that harusono’s got the chops for that sort of thing. just look at butai ni sake

you know

#was GOING to put the #It’s like I’m strangling him. exchange. but i figure if there’s anyone who hasn’t already read that far at least themselves #they should see it within the broader story first. but it’s SO fucking. WEIRD!!!!!!!!!! #HARUSONO HAS GOT THE CHOPS FOR IT!!!! HARUSONO COULD DO SOME KILLER HORROR-ADJACENT ROMANCE!!!!! #i’m very serious about this #dirtbrain digression

[dirtbra1n]

it’s always when I have things to be doing that this happens but it’s like. I don’t know I’ve gone so far into weird love territory and I’ve been here so long that when I go back and really look at canon it’s like it’s new to me. because like do you ever think about how hanzawa masato just sort of DECIDED that tashiro would be the next captain of the ping pong club. like it wasn’t a recommendation or anything that decision was made. and absolutely if tashiro genuinely GENUINELY didn’t want to do it nothing bad would have really happened, someone else could have done it, sure. you know? but at the end of the day tashiro, in the midst of his running away, had that thought, like. not in a thought bubble but in a b Hold on

in the narration box. like it’s not a fleeting in-the-moment thought like the whole poor shmuck thing. I’m not explaining this well. it’s just you get the impression that tashiro thinks about things a lot and also tangentially kind of thinks about his hanzawa senpai a lot and that realization of burden is so significant to tashiro that he takes on the position of captain

and he doesn’t look him in the face when he does it, and I love it. I love when things are indirect and subtle and sort of reluctant because it’s human and speaks to sincerity and tashiro’s grounded…ness that he isn’t unflinchingly happy to do it. he still doesn’t really want to do it. but he will. and he’ll do it WELL. because and this so matters hanzawa masato just sort of DECIDED that tashiro would be the next captain of the ping pong club because he knows tashiro and has been watching tashiro as a fun kouhai who he likes a lot and who makes him laugh like literally no one else in the world, and he knows that he would be a good president because he is, amongst other relevant things, a good person. the right kind of good person! he wouldn’t have forced tashiro to do it because frankly he couldn’t REALLY force tashiro to do it, tashiro has a way of getting around things (pudding head….) but he decided tashiro would be captain, because he knows tashiro, and tashiro decided to take that on, because he sees hanzawa. he decided that tashiro would be captain, and tashiro decided to accept that decision because hanzawa decided correctly.

and tashiro cares, and encourages his senpai to rest, and we get the FUCKING.

that just speaks VOLUMES. hanzawa masato who notoriously stays busy for at least one of two known reasons that sound a little contradictory but aren’t actually is resting right now. hanzawa masato who is so weird and so unknowable to his juniors is wearing a small smile that, unlike so many of his other ones (ominous as they are, usually), shows for only contentment. he’s resting right now. like the tashiro gonzaburou hanzawa masato dynamic IS so weird I’m not delusional for that. but my favorite thing that I think I do a really bad job of showing is that their exchanges go back and forth and are so much fun for the both of them, and it’s exactly like PING PONG. well matched and silly and hanzawa masato knows tashiro gonzaburou and if tashiro gonzaburou doesn’t know hanzawa masato he sure as hell sees him, and wants to know him, just a little at least, and it’s all so much. I’m resting right now. fuck. anyway

#bangs fist on the floor. is on the floor. #hanzawa to tashiro #hanzashiro #and really the fact that tashiro is hiding around the corner to hear the milk tea exchange with miyano. and then brings him some #ASSUMING HE DIDN’T ALREADY KNOW. it’s just like. i wish i was more comfortable writing tashiro he’s so much to me #silly little guy for sure. but intentionally taking on a burden for someone else when it’s explicitly something he doesn’t want to do #(or maybe just something he felt he wasn’t qualified to do. depends. probably both) #and doing well at it. the person hanzawa masato is trusting in the most. #just. someone who doesn’t want to be responsible but will be and someone who old people LOVE and someone who accepts things without judgment #and someone who will hide in a box on the floor to hide from his senpai and just as well walk right up to him and hide his face #and accept the trust masato was putting in him. #like this of all things isn’t really a burden to masato because he’s. he’s RESTING right now. of all the pies he has fingers in #this might actually be his favorite. for a number of reasons that are mostly speculative #but it’s SYMBOLIC of a burden. am i making any sense at all. i might not be #masato is giving this one away because it’s not really a burden to him exactly. but tashiro is taking it because he feels it’s a burden but. #how do i say this. it’s not a burden to masato but it IS a weight on his shoulders whether he realizes it or not #and tashiro takes it from him—not unreluctantly—because he cares. because he wants masato to rest. #i think talking this long is manifesting a tin cap on my head. i should go #dirtbrain digression #tldr it IS weird love. but just not AS weird or the KIND of weird that i’d have it be. haaaah i’m sick

[dirtbra1n]

well since you obviously said it isn't a trap! what are your thoughts on hirano and sasaki :)

so it was a trap in the end. surprise! it’s just that it was supposed to be like a pit trap and it still is one just stupid deep. I’ve been in this pit for so long. sorry for leaving you waiting. it’s been ruminating for this long now and my thoughts aren’t organized to begin with so we Might as well just get on with it

tldr Tfw you and your best friend are queer at the same time and are sort of constantly orbiting around one another about it in weird liminal space where you’re simultaneously telling each other everything but never saying something

so I don’t know if you’ve gotten the chance to read the sasamiya first years novel yet highly recommend it Sound of the summer. but there was. like. an unprecedented amount of stuff in there that gutted me. like the last chapter. here’s the chapter image by the way

psychological warfare on me specifically. just Look I’ll bold the highlights:

He wants to pull himself up, I thought. He just hasn’t found anything to give him that push.

Not that it was any business of mine.

“Sun’s pretty high in the sky by now. There shouldn’t be any direct sunlight on your desk this time of day,” I said. “You came all the way to school. As long as you have the chance to make the effort, why not make it?”

With that encouragement, Sasaki got to his feet, swaying slightly. As I watched him brush the dust off his uniform, I decided to suggest to the Disciplinary Committee that we should make sure this area got swept periodically. We wouldn’t want any part of the school, even one off-limits to students, to look grimy.

“Mmm… Well, I guess I could handle one worksheet. If you’ll help me, Hirano.” The way he still seemed completely harmless was almost funny.

“Yeah, I’ll help you. If you really have it with you. If you don’t, then go talk to the teacher and get another copy before lunch is over.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

I almost cracked a smile at the sense of friendliness he exuded. “You should only say ‘yeah’ once. Break’s over in five minutes, you know. You could stand to look like you’re sweating it a little.”

This time, Sasaki drew it out into a single “yeeeah.” He started down the stairs, and I fell into step beside him. “Hey, give me your phone number,” I said softly, rushing it out.

“You?” he said, apparently not expecting that at all.

I was surprised to discover I felt a rush of embarrassment. I kept my eyes determinedly forward. “It’s a pain in the ass not being able to get ahold of you.” It felt funny, looking after a guy my own age like this, but I couldn’t stop myself. I figured getting Sasaki’s contact info now would make it easier if I needed something with him in the future.

Sasaki Shuumei.

My first impression was that he did things by the seat of his pants. My second—that he was a lot of trouble.

for my own peace of mind. will largely copy-paste what I’ve already said

like. how else do I say that this feels like. pre-romance. you’d think it’s WEIRD for these two. but there’s still that feeling. that hirano feels drawn to look after sasaki in like EXACTLY the same way he felt drawn to look after kagi. the like. “Hey, give me your phone number,” I said softly, rushing it out. sasaki sweeping dust off himself and hirano getting the idea to suggest the disciplinary committee sweep EVERYWHERE. with that underlying feeling of I don’t want you to get dirty. seeing where sasaki is, not wanting to move forward, and wanting (quietly, subconsciously) to help him with it. Maybe we were supposed to be having this conversation.

like what’s WITH that. why does it FEEL LIKE THAT

like part of it totally is the whole I have feelings for you I have feelings for you too (the feeling they’re both feeling is friendship) but it’s ALSO. ITS SOMETHING ELSE TOO. and it’s SO interesting to bite into because this novel like. very suddenly threw at us this different angle at which to view the relationships we’re already familiar with. and without even knowing it hirano and sasaki’s friendship—which was ALREADY liable to tear me asunder—was actually EVEN MORE LOADED with things to blow my dick clean off No don’t leave that in.

like we knew already that hirano’s this diligent kind of guy, but he gets this task that he feels is absolutely not his fucking job (tell sasaki to turn in a worksheet) and then he, like. gets pissy about it Yeah but also takes it exactly as seriously as you’d EXPECT him to. he complains about not feeling full at lunch even on a regular gym day, but he ate fast to have more time. to look for sasaki. he looked in every typical playing-hooky kind of space in the school, physically moving up the school, floor by floor, as he searched. and then he’s out of places. except for the school roof, which is locked, but he gets suspicious and goes to check anyway.

Ogasawara said Sasaki hates the heat. From that perspective, the stairway looked like a cozy hole in the ground.

I pushed aside the whiteboard proclaiming that the roof was for “authorized personnel only” and took a hesitant step onto the stairs. I worked my way up to the landing, doing my damnedest not to make a sound. I turned and saw someone.

“There you are!” I sighed.

Sasaki was at the uppermost part of the staircase. The door to the roof was indeed locked, and the only window that let any light in was far away. Sasaki was sitting in a shadowy spot, leaning against the cool wall, listening to music.

“Oh,” he said, his eyes drifting open. His ya-caught-me expression seemed out of place on the dusty staircase. It was the disinterested reaction of a guy who just didn’t care about school.

“The hell are you doing here?” I said. Had he really been sitting there all day? Didn’t his butt get sore?

Sasaki slid off his headphones and gave me a questioning look. “Er, Hirano, right? Whatcha need?”

He remembers my name? That surprised me. Maybe my golden hair gave it away.

“What do I need? To tell you that you have to turn in a worksheet for Modern Literature today. You’re the only one who hasn’t.”

Only then did it occur to me that it would have been far more efficient just to have Ogasawara send him a text. I’d been asked to tell him to turn in the worksheet, but I wasn’t ordered to collect it from him. Still, it was true that I was concerned about his “flying by the seat of his pants” approach to life. Maybe we were supposed to be having this conversation.

and really when you read the entire chapter with this understanding of its Weirdness you’ll notice all these various ways hirano has noticed things about sasaki (“No wonder he always seemed to be eating bread at lunch.”) and it’s just like. Where do we go from here.

and then you look at early hirakagi and sasaki’s subtitle is “The Classmate” and it’s BEWILDERINGLY FUNNY

like this is hysterical to me. you share this strangely intimate moment with this guy you feel drawn to look after despite everything and then after that he’s not even your friend yet.

we see what the beginning of their friendship looks like, we see how invested hirano is in sasaki’s just. everything! we see how much he sees sasaki (apathetic, placid, a couple steps from delinquency, though he’s not moving towards it) and we see how much he WANTS sasaki to get past it!!! and then they aren’t even friends yet. because hirano is unbeatably weird about his relationships with all people. what the hell is wrong with you hirano taiga. I love you.

AND THAT ISN’T EVEN GETTING INTO THE WAY SASAKI GETS ABOUT HIRANO.!!!!! because just. god I think the reason I was putting this off is because it makes me want to cry. We all remember this scene right

because I remember. think I could probably get whacked over the head with a fire extinguisher, get amnesia’d, and still remember this scene in blinding detail. have I said already that I’m insane. I went on this big long tangent in sunnnfish’s tags about it one time, and I’m gonna quote myself on that:

the way sasaki who even now at this point in time is generally apathetic and walled off from emotion / who is walking with a friend of his who also generally isn’t much for externalizing how he feels / sees an aspect of that friends life that he hardly sees / and thus sees an aspect of that FRIEND he hardly sees / and that aspect is. it’s so. / like i’m losing my grip on this framing / sasaki knows hirano to be kind of a hardass and stick in the mud / and all of a sudden out of nowhere hirano is like Head back without me and sasaki / who until that moment hadn’t been paying attention. had therefore been observing and feeling nothing / looks up and sees. hirano doing something so (to sasaki) UN-hiranolike / because of kagi. and sasaki has to notice that. because he and hirano are friends. and sasaki is someone who notices things

the much shorter quote that sums up my feelings on this scene just about as well is as follows: LIKE GOD. LOOK AT SASAKI’S EYES. YOU GET WHAT I MEAN / DON’T YOU?

like you. I have to collect myself this is so embarrassing I hate you sasaki shuumei….. <- lie YOU GET THESE PIECES AND START PUTTING THEM TOGETHER. that their friendship started at the top of a stairwell that was kind of like a cozy hole in the ground, and hirano saw the sasaki there that was kind of just. not in a place to care! and he reached out to him in his pissy hardass way and asked shyly for his number and agreed to help with his work and started this process that got sasaki to. HERE!!!! they weren’t friends until somehow someway sometime they were and when hirano tells sasaki to go back without him he placidly agrees until he sees what hirano is doing and he gets this look in his eyes and it’s. I think I subconsciously know to avoid talking about sasaki because I can’t ever help but get unbearably emotional.

they’re just

they’re friends. and they care about each so much and the jump from their first year first-contact fucking. rendezvous in the stairwell leading to the roof, where it’s just them two in a place where neither of them is supposed to be, where hirano still resolves to keep it clean. which could mean nothing. to their second year where you can just look at sasaki’s eyes and glean something beyond words that has permanently ruined my life. to their third year where they’re so easy and comfortable and hirano smiles easily and with affection and sasaki has grown into someone who would be a stranger to first year hirano, but not an unwelcome one. you just. you have to get it! you have to understand!

so hey. we’ve made it this far in. right? we have. so can I please just

hirano sees sasaki, wants to help him despite being the same age -> sasaki, two years later, undeniably friends with this guy who he can be deeply himself with, wants help with something, sees hirano, notices how focused in on his own work he is, probably puzzles together how worn out he’s gotta be, and resolves not to ask for it.

we’ve made it this far in together, right? so I’ll do you the favor of not drawing this comparison to kagi even though I kind of want to, both for your sake but mostly for mine. because it might kill me to put those words together and I need to wipe my eyes AGAIN I HATE YOU SASAKI SHUUMEI!!!!!!!! <- liar

but there’s this thing that is so so evident through hirakagi specifically where you see sasaki seeing something and resolving to hold onto it for hirano’s sake. sasaki sees how worn out hirano is and refuses to put more stress on him. sasaki sees hirano interacting with roommate-kun and makes up his mind to keep as many of those details from miyano as possible.

he just cares. sasaki just cares.

so now this If you thought I was being weird before. man. let me quote myself again

like. it . these two. it almost feels like sasaki is thinking about miyano just to remind you that the weirdness here is totally Not something we should be latching onto. like sasaki SHOULD know already that miyano would NOT want him hunching over. but how else would we get THIS

what is with sasaki and hirano and this FEELING.

sasaki’s own line of ellipses. I mean, it’s not like you’re short or anything. Oh. But then Roommate-kun’s taller than me, isn’t he?

WHAT IS WITH SASAKI AND HIRANO AND THIS FEELING.

@sunnnfish comments here on the liminality, “a special space where time and space feel weird. Almost like it shouldn’t exist”

a couple steps to the left

like sasaki and miyano.. they don’t really get all that many liminal moments. and hirano and kagi get their moments but they’re like. MOMENTS. but sasaki and hirano…… every one of them, it feels like, when they’re alone, just the two of them. every one of them has that liminal feeling where everything’s weird, and you’re speaking around this impossible SOMETHING in your mouth, sat on your tongue, not going anywhere, and your words come out sort of jumbled for it. your brain tunes it out, thoughts about this and that, anything else, but the busyness just serves to emphasize that space on your tongue that is being taken up by….. whatever it is. like an x-ray, what’s being seen through and what isn’t.

…

like this moment where it’s just them and liminality is inescapable, they HAVE to talk about roommate-kun and he HAS to think about miyano. they have to. just a couple steps to the left, but this isn’t that. Oh. But Roommate-kun’s taller than me, isn’t he?

I’m a rotten husk, if you couldn’t tell. going to take one more second on that FUCKING. LINE because there’s something about it to me.

S: You of all people?

H: Huh?

S: Oh, no…

S: ………

S: I mean, it’s not like you’re short or anything. Oh. But then Roommate-kun’s taller than me, isn’t he?

his demeanor, his nine point ellipses, scratching the back of his head. then he thinks about kagi and draws the comparison. I’m gonna be sick I think actually

and then sunnnfish threw a right hook re: recontextualizing hirano’s They really have gotten close… …… Well, I guess there’s nothing wrong with that.

SF: … it’s like. In our canon universe that Not shifted a little to the left Hirano watches Sasaki evolve so much. Because of Miyano. Sasaki rather suddenly became such a close friend of his who he actively wants to see get better and find purpose and he sees him find that. At least a little. Even though he’s still apathetic he has more pep in his step. And there’s something there in all of that too. Just. Watching your best friend fall in love and change. That’s like it’s own kind of fucked up. Especially considering on some level he wanted to be the one to help sasaki. But he’s also happy that sasaki seems happier. I’m getting lost in the sauce I feel

DB: NO YEAH YOURE GETTING ME THERE

so I’ll drag back the tldr. sasaki and hirano have a really queer friendship and it’s a pang through the heart if you’re at all like me. number one secret third thing of my heart, because they’re actually really mundane and their friendship is so liminal and. look when I say. okay I’m gonna say something. their friendship is kind of romantic. just not necessarily in a romantic way. okay? all right.

one last. Let me sort of quote myself one last time I promise

sasaki too this GUY…. like of course I like the sasaki sasaki is with miyano. he’s everything to me even. but I think part of this secret third thing with hirano is like. the clear shot of the sasaki that. well not everyone sees him this way, tashiro thinks he’s scary. and ogasawara is gonna have a different view of him too because they’ve known each other for a few years now. but hirano went looking for him—when he realized HIMSELF that he literally could have just had ogasawara SEND HIM A TEXT—he went looking for him and found him in that stairwell that he was NOT supposed to be in and spoke to him, like he was maybe SUPPOSED to, and he sees this clear shot of the sasaki that is so. quiet friendly lonely and kind, a little timid and reclusive and aimless but not for lack of WANTING to pull himself up. this sasaki. and hirano gets a little short with him but he also wants to help him, wants to help pull him up, or at least help him WANT to pull himself up, wants to look after him

they’re weird and they care about each other so so so so sooooo so much because they’re friends. and sometimes they’re weird about each other. which is super normal. but as much as I’m waving my hands around clarifying this and that I’m standing by my initial statement with the stairwell. that was a really romantic framing. all right? okay.

I’m giving you a ladder out of the pit trap now. thank you very much for asking you’re a real good sport for that

#so. Yeah! #finishing this hmmmm. juuust about half an hour before it’s sasaki’s birthday for me #so we’ll call it his birthday present even though he’d hate it. :) #sasaki shuumei #hirano taiga #novel writer kotoko hachijo. i would love to shake your hand someday… #last touches done. if it’s janked or unreadable or incomprehensible. lets just call that an occupational hazard. okay? all right #belatedly realizing i forgot some tags #askbox #dirtbrain digression #sasahira

[dirtbra1n]

humor me I never get to talk out loud in public. so like. selfishness vs selflessness vs self-centeredness. right. but selflessness comes first because generally you want to show the best parts of yourself off first. So you don’t scare them off. right. so you’re like Sure I’ll do that and that and that also. of course. but not everyone is going to see that selflessness, because you kind of don’t want them to see it. or like. they see it but you don’t show it to them. you’re following, yes? you you, not second-person you. you understand that also. but how would you keep up your weird senpai feeling if you weren’t weird in front of your kouhai. exactly. so you’re this really weird ominous guy and it’s fun! right? you have fun. but the selflessness doesn’t really go anywhere, because you’ll still do pretty much anything if someone asks. busyness, and so on. whatever.

“but the selfishness when does that come in” Well. say like hypothetically you were a first year once—I know it’s such a novel concept—and you walked into your club at some point and met your own senpai that kind of seems to have his own gravity like What a character that senpai is! Don’t worry about his name. doesn’t matter. you meet him and you fall into that gravity and into orbit and it’s like. fun! not that there are any details to get caught up in. Which is fine. it’s soooo fine that there are no details. YOU ARE IN THIS SENPAI’S ORBIT, and you like him and he likes you and he becomes president of the club and you become his vice president and You know these things just happen. they just happen. point A to point B doesn’t matter because we don’t know about it. which is totally fine. but you’re vice president of club in your second year, and two first years walk in one day, amongst others who don’t matter for the sake of gravity and pushes and pulls of the self and also a moving living body of water that is longer than it is wide and Doesn’t matter right now.

right? Yeah.

two first years walk in one day, and your president senpai perks up a little seeing one of them, and he maybe (conspiratorially) brings his hand over his mouth to whisper in your ear about him, and club shenanigans have your president senpai playing against him—that first year—to determine whether he can leave club. and like we all know how that turns out. right? you know.

gravity and all.

“but the selfishness—” You think we’d all be here if he wasn’t also drawn in by this guy? by him I mean you. you aren’t getting confused by this perspective decision, right? Haha.

but really if you weren’t kind of selfish why wouldn’t you just let this guy win a match against you? to let him leave? your pride? are you prideful? is it because you can’t bear to let your senpai’s wish for you go unfulfilled? isn’t that also kind of selfish? aren’t you kind of a selfish guy, hanzawa masato?

but say you were drowning. hypothetically. and say this guy, this first year turned second year turning third year turned third year, your junior, say he was there. and say he doesn’t want you to drown, and say you insist he just leave, and say he doesn’t. say you’re drowning and he decides to drown with you. say you’re drowning. Admit that you’re drowning. he wants to drown with you. do you let him?

you don’t. pick one: selfishness or selflessness or self-centeredness. not that it really matters which.

#First and foremost #dirtbrain digression #because by god is this a digression #hanzawa masato #hanzawa to tashiro #not that there’s really a point to deviate from. Did you know #that i am REALLYYYY weird about the ping pong club president before masato. little known fact #good god my eyes hurt. there’s a mouse in the kitchen. the water pressure is ass. it’s honestly kind of warm in here #this is the mindset i’ve written this in. So now you are caught up

[dirtbra1n]

mostly so far. like re: hanako deliberately bringing up the murder he committed. and making threats against kou as a form of self- harm punishment and sabotage. because he doesn’t feel he deserves to be seen as good. because he doesn’t feel that he is good. and the direct IMMEDIATE consequence of teru showing up to, on paper in plainest terms, save his little brother from, on paper in plainest terms, evident danger at the hands of the supernatural who’s got him pinned with a knife at his throat. this is all so fucked. kou hasn’t ever seen his brother wearing the expression he’s wearing right now and the expression is SCARY and kou is being torn between believing in hanako’s goodness and believing in his brother’s competence and talent and it’s like. he’s a younger sibling and younger siblings follow the lead of their older siblings. so what if teru is right about hanako?

what if he isn’t?

and teru’s doing what he needs to, what he’s been tasked to do, and part of it needs to be that kou had a knife to his throat, but the other part has to be that he told kou it was too much for him and he told kou that he wasn’t mature enough for this and the only reason he conceded is because his baby brother pleaded with him to get another shot at it. and then the next day he doesn’t have a choice but to intervene! part of it needs to be that kou had a knife to his throat, his little brother had a knife to his throat, but the other part of it has to be that he shouldn’t have conceded, but given that he did kou should have just listened to him. like has teru ever had cause to resent his younger brother before. I don’t know yet! but before this kou thought that teru must surely be going into all those fights, doing all he does, with a smile on his face, because he was always wearing a smile when he turned back to look at him. and he’s finding out now that that wasn’t the case. how much of that was teru protecting his younger brother from thinking about the nature of what was happening and how much of it was teru wanting to keep kou from looking at him with this expression.

how much of it was an older sibling’s obligation and how much of it was a tactical prevention of a stab through the heart. is all I mean.

#also the look in hanako’s eyes. jesus FUCKING christ #hi sunnnfish are you seeing this. When the Wanting to die hits #tbhk #jshk #dirtbrain digression #AND THATS ALL. WITHOUT SAYING #THAT KOU IS THE ONE WHO HAD THE KNIFE TO HIS THROAT. BUT HE’S ALSO THE ONE WHO SAW THE LOOK IN HANAKO’S EYES #so he KNOWS that something is off with hanako but he can’t say that anymore! the opportunity with trust has passed! #kou is the boy who cried wolf already because teru can’t afford to let anymore near misses happen! #kou needs to be the boy who cried wolf after just this because teru doesn’t know that the next time won’t have him eaten! #i am going to die.

[dirtbra1n]

genuinely there’s a lot here that I can’t even begin to articulate. and ALL of it is weird. kagi and hirano’s lap. hirano thoughtlessly shoving him down. kagi looking up at hirano, whose eyes are out of frame, “Was this what you wanted?”

but all of this is the exactly what makes it so good, is that it communicates to you exactly the sort of gut twisting tension that kagi’s feeling. the feeling of anticipation that’s also exactly like being in an empty playground with the breeze blowing through the trees. a little like horror. that’s what desire’s like. the two feelings are almost entirely indistinguishable.

#this scene. do you SEE what gets me #(it’s that kagi wants. and that scares him.) #hirano to kagiura #do i want hirano to realize the extent of his feelings Yes of course #do i also find immense catharsis here in these moments that i can’t find literally anywhere else Well. also yes #there is a selfish part of me that wants to relish in this agony for more than a bit longer. but that’s the devil talking #dirtbrain digression

[dirtbra1n]

was actually gonna go on a tangent about this privately to myself like a week ago but then I didn’t get to it. so I’ll just do it publicly I guess Saw this post and got my ass beat. classic I’ll take care of you. It’s rotten work. Not to me, not if it’s you. you know how it is. and then I went in the replies and saw someone say this of william arrowsmith’s 1958 translation:

What’s William Arrowsmith’s problem? What hurt him that he has to make even his translations filled with shitty passive aggressiveness?

and I got really annoyed and blocked them promptly because it really doesn’t take very much to get blocked by me. but I did screenshot it! because I needed their wrong opinion to make my argument, the gist of which is this:

a) to see passive aggression in the shorter of those translations. I will manage. I’ll do it. says so much more about you than it does the translator. they are translating a sentiment—this sentiment—the one we all know lies at the center. they are translating it and they are doing it the way they best understand it. like orestes’ phrasing could be as over the top as ‘Oh—it’s so terrible to take care of a sick man such as myself!’ and pylades may as well say in reply ‘Like hell.’

the beating pulsing sentiment is I love you. whether the translation lies closer to Taking care of you is neither horrible nor difficult because it is you I am taking care of. or leans instead towards It doesn’t matter to me if it is the most horrible, difficult task in the world because I shall do it anyway. because the pulse is the same. I love you. I am going to do this.

…and b) Orestes is a play and actors perform it. whatever the translation, the pulse is the same; whatever the line, the meaning will not change. it’s all delivery and only delivery. I will manage. is not less meaningful or communicative than Not to me. Not if it’s you. is not more meaningful or communicative than I’ll do it.

I’m really just of the opinion that your bad faith poisoning is terminal if you can’t see the love here. that’s all.

#like really this translation of it knocked me flat on my ass. can’t BELIEVE anyone can miss this love #anyway. while i’m not going on this tangent with them EXPLICITLY in mind #i’m sure you can see the hrkgisms present. now hit the showers everyone #dirtbrain digression

[dirtbra1n]

feeling a great deal of generally heavy emotions today, and they are somewhat compounding now that it’s evening. so I don’t mean this to be particularly poignant or anything

but I love so much that the best moments hirano has with kagi have him starstruck as an expression of love first and foremost. when his face is red it’s mostly.. sheepish. like he caught himself just drinking in kagi’s face, and his smile, and HIS red cheeks, and realizes how vulnerable and embarrassing and, well. not loving. I won’t say he realizes how loving the way he looks at kagi is. plausible deniability with this guy. but you get what I mean. kagi isn’t quite meeting hirano’s eyes in this first panel, and hirano takes the opportunity to just feast upon the sight.

but it’s not nearly so greedy as that. the fervor with which people gaze upon a falling star is not so simple as greed.

(surely it’s something more akin to awe, but the intersection where awe meets cosmically large and unknowable love is. well it’s beyond my range of language. I’m sure you are just as equipped as I am to think about how stupid massive it is, and maybe weep.)

(I mean to say that neither of us is equipped for it, of course. space metaphors aren’t very forgiving.)

#(that—incidentally—is what makes them so forgiving.) #i’m quitting now. tear tracts on your skin are itchy. and i’m due a shower #hirano to kagiura #i can’t stop looking at his damn EYES. there’s a post on twitter that i wish the artist had posted here #because it. i want others to see it. #@pokoglio captioned ‘your eyes say it all’ #you’ll get it. leaving now #dirtbrain digression

[dirtbra1n]

I think what gets me most about hirano and kagi, even when they’re not right at the front of my mind, is that they’re just. they’re so YOUTHFUL. I know this isn’t new I’ve honestly probably said something like this already but they’re just SO teenaged. kagi is in love and hungry and vulnerable and kind and sought after by people he honestly has zero interest in, and he’s very easy to project onto (and I have done so before, and I will do so again), but he’s a teenager. probably half of the things listed are BECAUSE hes a teenager. the reprisal here is that kagi is a teenager and he’s in love and he is the bravest person in the world. hirano carries himself so assuredly and responsibly and he sort of acts like he knows what’s going on around him (he does) and really acts like he knows what his own deal is (he does not). they’re just so YOUNG. they remind me that I’M young. and it MATTERS TO ME!! what they are to each other is ageless it will never grow old but they’re going about it in such a youthful way. and then THEY will grow old. together. you have to see what I mean

#they tear me up. i need to experience hirano to kagiura for the first time again #aaaauuuuuughhhhhhhhh yeah. yeah i don’t know. #they’ve never left me. they never will #hirano to kagiura #dirtbrain digression

[dirtbra1n]

for the first time ever. in my dirtbrain ideas Guy capacity. I’m thinking about sasamiya. like this is a very stream of consciousness thing but like on paper miyano is the character I have the LEAST to say about WHICH ISN’T A DISS OBVIOUSLY. love that fudanshi. but also his immense gender is SO INTERESTING. (and a little why I have like. so many opinions about depictions of him. different conversation)

HES SO BOY. MIYANO YOSHIKAZU IS SO BOY AND HE LIKES BEING A BOY like down to his hands becoming more masculine in shape he paid so much attention to that and LIKED IT. SOOOO MUUUUCH and the slowburn development of the ssmy romance is one hundred percent because of miyano taking his time to. Okay yes consider sasaki’s feelings for him BUT WITHIN THAT figure out how he feels about being a boy in this romantic situation context with another boy It’s all about miyano deconstructing the foundations of his ideas of queer relationships as a boy who liked and LIKES bl stories Without the like. self aware queer lenses on because miyano LIKES BEING A BOY SOOOO MUCH. and he’d HATE it if outdated bl logic was applied to make him like. the “girl” in the relationship. he’d hate it. and it’s not like he wanted SASAKI to be the “girl” in the relationship because like. miyano doesn’t want a girl in this relationship. not that he doesn’t want girls period obviously etc etc I don’t feel I actually need to defend my point here but miyano is a boy with so much PRIDE in his being a boy. who doesn’t want to be seen as feminine because he’s a BOY and like there’s complicated juvenile nuances here I’m cutting for length (especially since this is all off the top of my head) and so it’s not like he’s going into thinking about sasaki in the Ew, we’re both BOYS… way because he’s going into it with this biiig fourth wall separation between the existence of BLisms and his like. Life. that he lives. like he’s going into it very clearly aware of the things sasaki was doing (flirting, mostly) (blatantly) but he was contextualizing it like Hey we’re both boys you know people are gonna get the wrong idea right. and I don’t know if it’s necessarily an internalized homophobia as it is just. having this big neon sign sitting in his brain that has been there for so FOREVER that he doesn’t like. look at or think about. so he’s not so much thinking about whether he’s LIKING the flirting and attention in that capacity as he is thinking about how it looks to other people. because miyano is so used to having the reader third person perspective he’s not all that plugged into what it’s like to actually BE IN IT the way he very evidently is.

like I feel like maybe my point is getting lost in translation but it’s just so IMPORTANT to me how miyano’s capital g Gender interacts with his fiction-programmed brain to recalibrate when the way he lives his life shifts to accommodate sasaki shuumei. AND HE IS THE CHARACTER I HAVE THE LEAST TO SAY ABOUT. still trying to articulate sasaki feelings in context with third year friendshipisms and different facets of one’s personality and the joy of Boys Life but. like. I don’t know tfw you’re ssmypilled. etc

#boyisms are important to me. miyano and his gradual acceptance of the nuances of his hashtag boygender #so that it’s flexible and doesn’t have to so staunchly reject ANY sort of femininity necessarily. it’s very good #like he wanted to be 100% sure that sasaki wanted him as a boy. that’s so important to me #smacks him in the shoulder This little fudanshi nerd boy can fit so much gender in him #sasaki to miyano #miyano yoshikazu #was thinking about the kagifacts initiative before this by the way. like the train has derailed significantly but the train cars #are still there. are you following #‘ll deal with that later. whateveeeer #also orv’s your ssmy. i actually think someone on twitter at some point said something about orv ssmy au #but i don’t spend substantial time in the ssmy twitter mines to substantiate whether i hallucinated that or not #if someone did say that though they were right. they were right i hope they receive my psychic beams and write the saga we #(maybe three people) deserve #dirtbrain writing #dirtbrain digression

[dirtbra1n]

doing logic masquerading as philosophy is all fun and games until you’re asked whether the statement If a valid argument has a true conclusion, it is sound is true or false and to provide a counterexample if false. godless earth we all live on

#this is just me complaining about class like that’s all this is. was waffling about it until time on the quiz ran out #BECAUSE. SEE. we know ALL about how you can’t have a false conclusion with true premises and that’s GREAT and all except for the fact that #we ALREADY KNOW that the conclusion is true. so the question becomes Is the inverse of that true? if the conclusion is true does that mean #the premises are also true? and like thinking about it i’m fairly sure the inverse is NOT true. also ran it by my dad who agreed on that #but THEN ITS. FUCKING. i can’t think up counterexamples for shit or fuck #You want to make the premises blatantly true and the conclusion blatantly false NOT THIS TIME!!!!! SO WHERE DO WE GO!!!!!! FROM HERE!!!!!!!! #i’m sick. Anyone wanna discuss gay people #dirtbrain digression #on principle. don’t want to make anyone look at philosophy logic problems. cruelhearted thing to do

[dirtbra1n]

NO ONE ask where I’m at mentally right now it’s hitting me like a truck that we’re shown a hirano that exists beyond kagiura akira but aren’t shown a kagi that exists beyond hirano taiga. like hirano exists in sasamiya as his own character, and so we see him as an individual, with his friends, in the disciplinary committee.

but what does kagi get? hirano gets that leeway in sasaki to miyano because sasaki to miyano isn’t about him, but kagi is only really given space in his and hirano’s spin-off. what if I want to see the kagi that exists beyond hirano? playing basketball or falling asleep in class or getting poked fun at for sounding like a drunkard thirty something desperate to get married to, as far as his teammates know, some faceless lady? no matter how starry eyed he is about his hirano-san he’s still a person isn’t he! I know kagi’d love to have his entire life properly orbit around hirano but it doesn’t!!

..does it?

#I DON’T WANT IT TO BE A PASSING THOUGHT!! AM I MAKING SENSE!! #AM I GETTING THROUGH TO YOU!! #KAGI ROCK PAPER SCISSORS BATTLES WITH OTHER BOYS LIVING IN THE DORMS #LIKE. COME ON. COME ONNN #kagiura akira #hirano to kagiura #dirtbrain digression

[dirtbra1n]

I’m going to be getting back to my agonizing thesis statement very very soon I WILL be. but hira & kagi open heart surgery has gone from a morbid affair to hirano holding a scalpel over a kagi who has his eyes open and is laughing and scowling and making little jokes and quips and hirano who really is not very good at making incisions but kagi keeps going like OW! and making hirano flinch, wide-eyed, searching, before kagi goes Juuuust kidding and hirano deflates and scolds him about it. hirano wants to understand, and he will. and kagi will keep being there wide open, holding himself back so that his heart doesn’t jump out into hirano’s hands before he’s ready. being this vulnerable in the first place is enough

#YOU UNDERSTAND. #hirano to kagiura #hirakagi #hirano taiga #kagiura akira #dirtbrain writing #dirtbrain digression

[dirtbra1n]

bored last night Compiled things that were cut from ghosts

#there give me like. two maybe three more reblogs of this post Sorry #theres the fewest here #dirtbrain digression #point is here You can see themes that made it and themes that didn’t but they all mattered. okay moving on

[dirtbra1n]

so it’s like. the significance of location and setting in the waking hours because the normalcy there provides good contrast but also establishes what “normal” looks like before the weirdness and unreality of the river creeps into it and starts eating it from the inside out. but also thinking about making those normal spaces liminal and weird in their own right is fun fodder for the brain. like okay lights out in the dorms and masato’s hanging off a couch upside down. the back of the school where there’s those vending machines tashiro was talking about, standing disgruntled reflected in the glass because he can’t make a decision on what he wants. school hallways during blue hour, walking away at a brisk pace because a lot was happening all at once. that kind of thing. have I lost you yet

#another day of wishing that i could put my thoughts to paper as images. very sad #anyway was thinking last night about tashiro gender again. how the greatest queer payoff happens #when he still has his hairy legs and defined arms and broad..ish shoulders. like that’s so much there #and was also thinking again about how i’m selling niche wares in a niche market. just funny #need someone to mass produce regular-enough hanzashiro propaganda #like i need someone to do the heavy lifting with the sign spinning like NOW! #was praying really hard for the hanzawa masato lore drop again. can you tell Also tashiropilled myself BAD #busy few nights <- eyebags #by the way today (technically yesterday) was the five year anniversary for this blog. storied history of what is now dirtbra1n #okay enough basically just this post is me trying to mass beam everyone the stills in my head of masato haunting various locations #but in the regular weird-teenager way. done now Good talk #dirtbrain digression