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faejilly · 4 years

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That’s actually hilarious how Magnus specifically considers if Alec’s apology is good when... he himself is notoriously bad at admitting he’s wrong lol I mean, he’s used to being right most of the time and all that but still hilarious :D

ON THE ONE HAND, Alec totally needed to apologize and I’m glad Magnus made him do it properly. ON THE OTHER HAND, dear lord Magnus, have you ever apologized properly to anyone? HOW CAN YOU TELL WHAT SOMEONE SHOULD SAY? You have no experience with this! 😅

Seriously tho.

He’s not always right, but he’s not able to be wrong in front of other people. Both because it’s dangerous, in his position, but also because it’s one of the ways he copes with the things he has done that he knows are wrong… he hides them. Magnus avoids conflict, both emotional and physical, he avoids confrontations, andif he never admits he was wrong, he never has to deal with what his mistakes do to other people, on top of what they do to him. (He is dangerously empathetic, he carries other people’s wounds in a way that hurts him almost as much as it hurts them. There’s a reason he hides his heart so well. He seldom needs people to tell them how they’re hurting, he can usually tell, but if he never says anything, it’s a little easier for him to bear. Sometimes that’s probably easier for them, as well, but not always.)

And yeah, I’m not sure he genuinely apologizes for anything he’s done (as opposed to expressing sympathy to people for shitty situations) at all ever? Like, even when he clearly blames himself for making that potion for Lilith, he doesn’t actually say I’m sorry I did this, he says I’ll do anything to make it better.

Which is not the same thing.

(Edit: it’s been pointed out to me that he does apologize, which is true! But he’s still... he blames himself and then he moves right onto I will fix all the things by myself! none of which actually leaves time for anyone else to feel things. Which is, arguably, what an apology is supposed to be for? It’s for the person you’re apologizing to, not you.)

He never apologizes for siding with the Seelie Queen after the Soul Sword debacle, which is probably the real reason the Council voted him out of his position. Because, honestly, I’m not sure that initial decision was wrong, based on what he knew, considering The Clave and Valentine, the offer of sanctuary for his Warlocks, people who had already been under siege for awhile, who included children, (and we’re given no sign that Werewolves pass along what they are in any way besides the bite, and there clearly aren’t any children Vampires, thank goodness, which means they don’t have that same imperative to protect actual babies), was pretty much irresistible.

But he’s just High Warlock of one city though, he didn’t have the authority to decide that for all the Warlocks in the world, and the loyalty of all the Warlocks in the world is clearly the price the Seelie Queen is asking him to pay. So, first he overstepped his authority, and then the SQ was actually double-dealing… so there were consequences for that decision, negative ones which weren’t entirely unpredictable, and I’m 100% sure he refused to apologize for any of it to his people.

He did what he did, and he refuses to flinch from that now, or admit there were extenuating circumstances… which of course just makes his people think more about the personal conflict, and assume that that was the real reason for his decision, and kick him out of his position.

(A lot of Magnus’ behavior was clearly him lashing out because he felt betrayed by Alec, the way he stood by the Seelie Queen was all petty retaliation, but actually accepting sanctuary in a separate realm was not, I don’t think.)

But, he also never apologizes for that behavior on a personal level, for how needlessly cruel he was to Alec afterwards, the way he went out of his way to twist the knife.

Not that I think the knife twisting had much effect on Alec… the one thing that hurt the most was the thing Magnus did out of kindness, that last I love you before he walked away.

Because to Magnus that was him saying if the world was different, if it was just up to me, if I didn’t have responsibilities to my people, I would choose you.

To Alec? It was loving you isn’t enough, it was you aren’t enough.

And I’m equally sure that Magnus never apologizes for that. For once, not because he’s bad at apologizing, but because he doesn’t realize that that was the wound, not the walking away itself. That he made it clear to Alec that Alec was never going to be Magnus’ first choice.

And we’re back to the tragedy that is Alec’s decision in 3x18 because Magnus never corrected that assumption, because he never realized it’d been made.

He never apologized for that, he never apologized for his verbal jabs afterwards, because obviously he didn’t mean them, or they wouldn’t be back together again.

He never apologizes for his part in their immortality argument, he never apologizes for dismissing Alec’s request to move in, he never apologizes for the way he condescends sometimes because he’s old and set in his ways… because he knows that Alec knows he loves him, and he hasn’t realized he’s given Alec the idea that that love has limits, hasn’t realized he’s made it seem that he loves Alec this much but no more.

It hasn’t occurred to him that Alec could love him so completely regardless of whether he believed that love was returned in kind. (Most people can’t, after all, can’t just give themselves over if they don’t know the other person is right there with them.)

anyways. Sorry. I was going to write a reply about how hard it is to write Magnus Bane in arguments because I always want to have him say I’m sorry and he DOESN’T ACTUALLY EVER DO THAT.

But I got a bit off track. Whoops?

(Who’s surprised? No one is surprised.)

Basically Magnus is a disaster, and I love him very much, and I’m sorry I diverged from the hilarious to the tragic, but he has that effect on me a lot.

#shadowhunters #magnus bane #alec lightwood #malec #sh meta #my sh rambling #Anonymous #jilly answers

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