#facebooks gone so now irl people can stop looking at my online presence and i can be at peace with myself

[heyyouwiththeprettyface18]

Where I've Been and My Relationship with Social Media

Do I think anyone actually cares about this and missed my presence online? Well yeah. I have friends on here so I would like to imagine they did. I had one amazing and lovely soul sending me memes during my break and I love her for it! Am I screaming into the void in a way to work out my own emotional state? Well, yeah. This isn't for notes. This is for me.

It all started about two years ago. One of my best friends in the whole world, who I will refer to as Amy, messaged me one day before school and told me that she was stepping away from social media. She was deleting snapchat, Instagram, facebook and any other various profiles she had. At the time I felt like King George in 'I Know Him', I wasn't aware that was something a person could do. Why would this gorgeous, college age student want to get rid of her social media? Didn't she want to be connected to the rest of the world? Didn't she want the validation from her peers? Didn't she want to just be able to look up someone and know everything she ever needed to know about them? Keep in mind this was the time where I considered myself something of an internet sleuth for my friends, family and occasionally teachers (Shout out to Mr. Hunter). But she was my friend. And I was going to support the hell out of whatever Amy wanted to do.

To this day she is still off social media and she is happier than ever. And that freedom she felt from society constantly throwing all sorts of unachievable standards in her face all the time? Slowly became more attractive to me as I got older. A while ago, maybe around the same time Amy deleted everything (I really can't remember) I uninstalled Facebook from my phone. It was so freeing? I didn't have to see all the negativity on there and the politics from my father's side of the family. It was so nice. That's when I got my first taste for it. This freedom. But that's about all I did until my first year in college.

December - February were weird months for me. Specifically when I was at school. Looking back on it, some of the reasons why it was so weird seem trivial. But at the time they meant everything to me. It seemed like I was losing some irl friends and a few online ones. Not to mention college chemistry and accounting made me breakdown about 10 times total. I remember calling another one of my best friends, Ellie for the sake of the story, sobbing. I felt so genuinely alone. I felt like all the people up at my school either just barely tolerated me or hated me. I think that's the loneliest I've ever been.

You might be wondering why this has anything to do with social media? Well. Let me tell you. This emotional breakdown of mine happened after I saw a photo posted of two of my friends out getting doughnuts from our favorite place without me. It's so stupid. But I was in a very fragile place. I was trying to figure out a lot of things. Classes, friends, sexuality, past trauma, self worth, whether or not I should have gone to therapy. Looking back on it, Jesus Christ I wish I did. It was just a lot. So in a brash decision I deactivated my Instagram. Didn't tell anyone. Didn't think anyone would care. People did. So after about a week I reactivated it. I couldn't stand not knowing what people (aka Tom Holland and Taylor Swift) where posting. So I chugged along.

And then a fucking Pandemic happened.

It's nice to be home. I'm a total mama's girl and am attached to her at the hip. Which is another reason why I wasn't doing so hot at college looking back on it. But all I was doing at home was my class work and scrolling through the toxicity that is Twitter, the pretty photos of Instagram or Tiktok. I would get frustrated at the people not wearing masks or that people were still going out in public. And it slowly worked at my nerves.

Before I knew it, Black Lives Matter was in full swing because of the disgusting murder of George Floyd by the racist police officer. There are two things you need to know about me: I am extremely empathetic and I have seen some shit. I have never been so distrusted or viscerally affected by a piece of footage in my whole life. After that, I was on Twitter reading and retweeting everything I could. Signing every petition I saw pop up. Trying to educate myself. And I did. I will be the first to admit, I still have a lot to learn what it means to be a good ally. But the negativity and guilt I was feeling, was coming from me. Nothing I did felt good enough. I wasn't able to attend protests because of online classes and I was only able to donate about $20 dollars to charity because I am not working right now. It just didn't feel good enough in my eyes. I wanted to do so much more. And for the record I still want to do more. I'm looking into ways that I can help the BLM movement, even though I am currently off social media.

And that's when something happened that I wasn't expecting. I was rewatching an old episode in Jacksepticeye's animal crossing series where he went off on a tangent about social media and mental health. I was making breakfast while I was watching it. I stopped dead in my tracks and listened to what he had to say. And I kept it in my as I watched the current state of my YouTube life get turned upside a few weeks ago.

That's when I realized social media was really hurting my mental health. That day I deleted Twitter from my phone and deactivated Instagram again. At this point I had already deleted Tumblr from my phone because at the time I thought this site was the soul reason I was unhappy with my relationship on the internet. This was the first time I purged myself of all three of these social medias at that the same time. Also I stopped looking at snapchat stories and privated a lot of my boards on Pinterest. And it was so good. I have been so much happier since cutting the negativity and helplessness I felt out of my life. I was calmer. I allowed myself to focus on the things that made me happy.

I was getting to hang out with my friends a little bit more. I started playing DnD and am in love with my character. I started taking more Polaroids. I was taking drives. I'd sit at the park with ice cream and enjoy summer. Dancing alone in my house. I was writing again and developing characters that I've had for years that are desperate need of a face lift. Baking and cooking again. Watching things that made me happy. I was living for me and finding positivity in my life again.

And I still am. It's still a work in progress sometimes to be happy like I want to be. But I'm willing to put in that work. It just so happened that cutting social media and that tie to society was what I needed. It was a small step, but it put me in a good direction. I've decided to come back to Tumblr and take my blog back for me and ignore some of the personal reasons why I got rid of it in the first place. This was a power move for me, and I'm happy to be back.

I've been debating about making a new Instagram account, to follow a select number of friends but probably not. I'll be damned if I ever redownload Twitter on my phone again. So if you're one of my mutuals and you want to talk outside of tumblr the social medias I still have are: discord, pinterest, and snapchat.

TL;DR: I got really sad and frustrated. So I pulled a Taylor Swift pre REP era and disappeared. I'm doing pretty good and am still working on achieving my definition of happiness. And if I had to give advice, I guess I'd say that take a week break from social media see how you feel. Who knows, you might not even miss it.

Remember: Drink water, moisturize, wear a mask, Black Lives Matter and Always Keep Fighting

W/ Love,

Laura

#bruh #idk if anyone is going to read this all the way though but i needed an outlet. #who knows maybe I'll just write make this a proper blog or something #whose to say #anywho! #positivity #l.speaks #screams into the void

[kae-karo]

pls post your mine hcs!!! i would love to hear them b

hi b! for context (x) okay i should clarify, i shouldn’t have called them hcs as i think people take that with a lot of connotation to mean ‘i actually think this happened/would happen’ when really it’s more like...

okay. if i were to write a fic with dnp as characters who exist exactly as we see them (as in, we know everything abt their personalities, which irl we absolutely do not) then this is how i imagine the character of dan would see most of the songs on ‘a brief inquiry into online relationships’ and why he would say that he feels ‘personally attacked by literally every song on this album’ - to be clear, i don’t think this is actually what dan thinks! please treat this as fiction!

bear with me bc i wanna talk abt some of the others first (i also wanted to include the links to the genius interviews where matt talks abt some of the meanings behind the songs, but it doesn’t have all of them so check out the lyrics as well)

give yourself a try (x) - i mean obviously this is the one dan felt he related to most/felt most safe posting about how he related to it/was personally attacked by it, but the whole thing is like. being yourself, and like? embracing yourself? as a person? as whoever you truly are? and they keep coming back to the idea of authenticity with this whole album, and i think that’s part of why dan would be so ‘attacked’ by this album bc he’s in the throes of his own search for authenticity

love it if we made it (x) - this one’s fun bc it’s basically all about how fucked up society is and like. all the things that’ve gone wrong, how society is just so beyond messed up, and it’s like. yes. all of this is so wrong, messed up, but there’s hope? like we can be self-aware, we can make differences, and i would imagine dan listening to this and feeling like. maybe torn? because there are some things where he’s trying to make a difference but some where he would want to but not know how? so y’know personal attack on him in the sense that it’s a personal attack on everyone - we’re all complicit, in a way, and part of it is just because we know all this is happening but how much do any of us try to enact change? i imagine that’s something that keeps dan up at night, tbh. i mean the man spent an hour picking up snails off a sidewalk so they wouldn’t get squished

be my mistake (x) - this one is interesting bc the artist explains it’s really just about guilt, on a deeper level, and about not knowing what you want? ultimately even tho it’s about like a hookup with someone you don’t know that you really want, i think dan would take this more at the deep level of like. having no idea what he wants in life (something he’s said before, multiple times) and? perhaps in a sense, going back to things that he knows don’t actually represent what he wants (ie, that don’t feel authentic) but knowing the outcome and maybe just feeling safe or at least feeling something significant from them, maybe like he’s fulfilling what other people want of him by doing these things even if they don’t quite feel like him

sincerity is scary (x,x) - i think this is one of the ones dan would feel calls him out the most - it’s all about a person’s relationship with social media, authenticity, and self-perception over external perception? so like. the entire first verse is all about hiding behind a mask of irony and like. i think for dan that’s a hard-hitting callout? and i don’t just mean his whole brand of how everything was done/said ‘ironically’, more that even now he hides his fears behind jokes and such, bc that’s a culturally relevant way to do things (’you try and mask your pain in the most post-modern way’). the whole idea is like. if you’re being ironic, if you’re masking everything behind jokes and insincerity, you can’t actually be judged the way you can if you’re authentic and sincere? so like. there’s dan’s fear of judgment plastered all over this song, his fear of people looking at him for who he is and disliking it or perceiving it in a way he doesn’t like (’and why would you believe you could control how you’re perceived when at your best you’re intermediately versed in your own feelings’) it’s like. and he’s said this a couple times now, but he doesn’t always know why he does/thinks certain things, there’s not always a reasoning behind it, and i think that for him, that contributes to his struggles with authenticity. i think this is really doubly intriguing when ttlmt is taken into account as well? bc he specifically says that for ‘some people’ (aka him i mean this is known at this point) unless they’re being honest with themselves, they won’t feel free. and i think that’s like. dan’s internal struggle right now/this past year: how to balance his evident need for authentic and honest self-expression with his deep-rooted fear of judgment of his authentic self. i mean read the damn title of the song, sincerity is scary

i like america & america likes me (x) - i’m sure there’s a deeper meaning to how dan would interpret it (aside from the obvious and intentional callout about guns in america) but all i can think about is talking about being on fire, being a liar, ‘is that designer?’ etc, and the death of dinof. but also y’know about calling out things that are Wrong 

the man who married a robot / love theme (x) - i think this one is maybe one that dan felt absolutely viscerally attacked by, this is a direct callout on his relationship with the internet and his audience. it’s presented as a relationship, a friendship, a love, but like if you step back and go ‘this is about a person and an audience’ it’s so so much more heartbreaking. i mean the internet saying ‘i love you very very much...i never ever want us to be apart ever again ever’ like that’s us that’s literally us we want constant content from them? and i think for a time, dan did feel like he would want that. because that’s fame, right? ‘and he would always always agree with him. this was the man’s favorite’ i know this is a commentary on like generally the culture of the internet but i have a feeling this is something dan would feel p hard. but i would imagine ‘i feel like i can tell you anything’ is the part that would be the most gutting, bc he put so so much of himself out here for us. and i would also wonder how hard the abruptness of the ending would hit - the sudden ‘and then he died’ after ‘man does not live by bread alone’, the acknowledgement that dan couldn’t just survive on his audience (and, more extensively, the internet), and how 1. he could still die lonely, had that been how he felt (i don’t think he does, but diversifying oneself and one’s relationships is emphasized here) and 2. the almost insignificance of an online presence, in objective terms, like. all that’s left of this lonely person is his facebook. i think that ties in really strongly with dan’s desire to leave something physical behind, like tabinof and dapgo and the ii dvd, something as physical evidence they existed and made an impact

inside your mind (x) - so concept is just...seeing inside your partner’s head? and like i feel like that’s something dan would want, or care a lot about, in some sense. a bit violent, lyrically, but i wouldn’t doubt that he cares (or, perhaps at a time in his past, cared) about it quite a lot some days. i think he just really cares about what other people think about him, probably especially phil, but also like the deep desire to understand someone? esp someone you love

it’s not living (if it’s not with you) (x) - okay this one’s very straight up about heroin addiction but i would definitely wonder if dan felt it like. in connection to phil in some ways? and i know the easy connection would be that dan wouldn’t be able to stop thinking abt phil and uwu it’s not living if it’s not with phil but the lyrics are actually quite dark? i would actually guess it had more to do with like. he couldn’t stop thinking about phil and wanting to like. be openly with phil (heyyy that authenticity yo) but also like. the repercussions of openly being in a mlm relationship on his life and his career at the time, and even now, ‘if i choose, then i lose’ like if he picks being open, there may be consequences in his career (although, more and more lately i wonder if he doesn’t care so much anymore), but ofc if he picks his career, he’s suffering from this lack of authenticity that’s haunted him for a while

i couldn’t be more in love (x) - so the whole song is more about a relationship with an audience/fanbase, and like what would happen if people just stopped caring and how like. putting so much time and effort into their relationship w. an audience and like, what about the creator’s feelings? i think dan would take that really seriously, like, we’re all really nice most of the time but what if we stopped caring? and like how would that affect him, after having given us nine+ years of himself? the other thing it touches on is the idea of just relying on ‘all the things that i did right’ ie depending on the things that made him popular, and i could see dan looking at that and wondering if he’s relied on that in the past, maybe this past year has been his attempt to move forward, or maybe his year of less activity (in the form of dinof vids) has been him relying on the things that got him where he is in order to keep his fanbase - so then, does that let him expand more, do more of the things he wants instead of, oh, idk, giving the people what they want? or does he feel obligated to do more of what the people want, since that’s what got him where he is?

i always wanna die (sometimes) (x) - it’s a meme but generally like. existence is exhausting? and that’s the whole idea? like god sometimes just doing stuff day to day is so so tiring, and i think that’s something that resonates with dan? and there’s a lot of other meaning about like death n stuff, and like. some days suck but you have to keep going? bc your life doesn’t just affect you it affects everyone and maybe that’s motivation for you maybe it isn’t but you have to realize that giving up is also something that affects everyone. maybe that’s something dan would see in relation to his depression and phil, and how resigning himself can really harm those around him as well

kay now the fun one

mine (x) - this whole fucking thing is a testament to dnp i can’t even fucking type correctly rn bc i’m so passionate abt this okay. literally the opening and closing lines are ‘there comes a time in a young man's life / he should settle down and find himself a wife / but i'm just fine cause i know that you are mine’ like if you try to tell me for a single fucking second that’s not dnp i will come to your house and make you listen to it on repeat until u understand okay. but like. that’s their whole thing right? they’re each other’s and that’s what matters? god i’m gonna literally do this (almost) line by line: ‘i fight crime online sometimes’ = dan’s desire to be this positive force on the internet. ‘and write rhymes i hide behind’ = oh dan’s diss track hmmm (but more generally, he makes jokes that he hides his fear and other things behind). ‘i’m fine if you are fine’ = oh u cannot tell me that’s not how dan feels? about phil? that he finds happiness in knowing phil’s happy? and then of fucking course ‘looking back on 2009 / when people said that it was raining all the time / i see sunshine cause i know you are mine’ oof that hits hard right in the feels okay dan definitely heard this and smiled his fucking face off cause u know in spite of whatever bullshit he had going on in 2009 he definitely still saw it as a bright spot in his life bc he met phil that’s just the truth. what i’m really interested in is the third verse ‘for some reason i just can’t say ‘i do’’ like. would dan possibly feel that way? i have no idea. but at the very least, it’s definitely something that dan would feel in some way, bc they’re not open abt their relationship and a marriage would obviously make it Very open. ugh sorry this one just hits hard and like. just knowing dnp have each other in whatever sense that actually means it’s like. physically painful in a good way. bless them

#dnp #dan and phil #phan #dip and pip #a brief inquiry into online relationships #anon #ask #kt