#finding cards full of lies and lanyards from the comedian we saw that I’ve never been able to watch again

[caught-in-the-filter]

Go and hide and run away

Run away, run and find something better

Go and ride the sun away

Run away like it's simple

Like it's right

Jamie is over, and where can I turn?

Covered with scars, I did nothing to earn

Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn

But that wouldn't change the fact

That wouldn't speed the time

Once the foundation's cracked

And I'm

Still hurting

#music #musicals #still hurting #the last five years #tl5y #going through and trying to get rid of things when I’m ridiculously sentimental #but I have to downsize and half the things have tainted memories attached now #and I still can’t rationalize who I thought he was with who he turned out to be #thanks dad for making everything so fucking hard #finding cards full of lies and lanyards from the comedian we saw that I’ve never been able to watch again #after you did what you did that day that made it a horrible time without mom who should have been able to go with us but you exploded #having to part with other relics of my childhood that feels so far away now that I’d been holding onto #trying to rationalize hanging onto the ones that I am even though there will be no space for them now #do you know how many times I’ve had a breakdown over you since you did what you did? #because I see now. I see that that was always you and I didn’t realize how much more guarded I should’ve been. #but part of me misses my innocent ignorance. misses thinking you could love and be loved despite it. not knowing why you were how you were. #why couldn’t you be the person I thought you were. the one I looked up to as a kid and followed around with my plastic tools #until I got old enough and sick enough of you yelling at me that I got so self conscious of every fucking mistake I made #and figured it wasn’t worth trying anymore. why I’m so anxious. why I say sorry too much. #do you know you gave your attitude to your son too? I hope you didn’t give him your inclinations and lies too. #I know you gave me your attitude. I’m trying to be better than that. but it’s hard when that’s what you know. #how does it feel? getting that right back at you now? finally facing the consequences? #but then we are all facing the consequences of your decisions. while you’re sitting pretty having your cake and eating theirs too. #you probably don’t even care. Jamie is probably feeling just fine. and I’m still hurting. #Spotify #(I should clarify. bc reading it back sounds sketch. when I said about his son I meant my brother. my brother has his attitude and more.)