#for months and months and months somebody fuckjgn beat that idea into me I’m so unlovable

[frecklystars]

my ptsd is horrific today it’s like I cannot go an hour without having a flashback. I keep spending money on food that I cannot keep down. I keep trying to sleep only to jolt awake after an hour and then having to go to work drowsy and shaky and lightheaded

I always feel so. unlovable when I’m like this. i relapsed on self harming again when I was clean for a couple of months and I can’t help but think that Ken would hate me the most during these times. like he’d take one look at me and just. want nothing to do with me.

he’s never seen human blood before. he didn’t know it was red. what would his reaction be to some girl crying on the bathroom floor, bleeding and vomiting profusely. it would probably scare him. I don’t know how he’d love me when I’m some… shaky and broken fragile thing

he’d think I’m too scary. i never want to scare him. he’d want nothing to do with me if he saw me like this. he’s never even heard of self harming before. he’s a plastic doll. he’d think imm. Really stupid hahahaaa I’m stupid for self shipping with characters when the idea of them not loving me has been beaten into me for so long you’d think I’d learn by now

#vent #delete later #self harm mention #I miss Ken so fuckinf bad but I don’t think he’d want to even look at me when I’m like this #i am so. unlovable somebody convinced me I am so. unlovable. #for months and months and months somebody fuckjgn beat that idea into me I’m so unlovable #and now with my f/os I cannot convince myself they’d love me #my abuser would hurt me on purpose in order to comfort me afterwards #‘I’m hurting you because I have the urge to hurt my most special friends and you’re the MOST special’ #I can’t believe I fell for that #she had me believing I am only lovable when I catered to every single unreasonable demand #and that she felt the urge to protect me and comfort me. so she’d hurt me. sick. sick sick sick sick #and now I’m either worried my f/os would hurt me on purpose because it makes me look ‘cute’ like I’m conditioned to believe #OR they would hate me when I’m having an attack and want absolutely nothing to do with me #I feel sick #im sorry for venting I’ve had a lot more ptsd breakdowns than usual in the last 5 weeks #nobody has to say anything or read this or anything like that I m just venting