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devilscastle69 · 2 months

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the thing that would not leave (t/diapt)

fandom: t/he d/evil is a part timer

characters: u/rushihara and g/abriel (could be a ship if u want)

summary: How i think g/abriel entering the devils castle and harassing l/ucifer shouldve gone (l/ucifer has a cold obvi)

word count: 1,487

Minors DNI

***

It’s rare for Urushihara to have the apartment to himself these days, and that makes it all the more offensive to have an intruder who hadn’t been relevant in ages up until recently. The fan continued to whir in the background and for once the breeze was actually giving him enough reprieve from the sweltering that he had goosebumps. With the constant humidity, this was something welcome, unlike Gabriel’s presence. He’d give his back teeth to see Alas Ramus beating his ass any day; he’d only heard the recounts from Maou and Emilia, but he was sure such a sight would keep him entertained for the next few decades.

Even after writing down the original demon king’s “treasures” he hadn’t moved to leave and it was beginning to cut into his online shopping time.

“It looks like a drunk seven year old wrote this,” Gabriel sighed, looking at the paper. “Really?”

“I can type ninety words a minute, y’know dude.”

“Mm’kay…how can you be alive for this long and still have handwriting like that? Is that not a part of NEET pride?”

“No.” Urushihara rolled his eyes and shook his head. For a moment there was silence save for the clacking of his keyboard and the whirring of his fan. All this back and forth was starting to drain him.

“So…think of any other treasures?”

“Dude, that’s all I got. Like I said, most Satans are poor.” He gestured to the room around them before pointedly turning back to the screen. Eventually the big lug would show himself out. He rubbed his nose. A tickle had taken root and had been prickling at the pack of his nose since earlier in the morning and much like Gabriel, it had stubbornly refused to leave. He’d lost track of how much he’d sneezed today already.

Eventually, he couldn’t take it anymore.

“Hehh…” He took in a vocal inhale and with one hand, turned the brightness of the screen up for encouragement, and with the other hand brought his collar up over his nose before sneezing violently into the fabric of his shirt. “hAH’KSSHhieeh!”

Gabriel flinched at the loud expulsion, but his initial expression of confusion quickly shifted to amusement. “Bless you? Oh wait. Can I say that given your…condition?”

Urushihara glared at him. “Dude, you’re actually not, like, supposed to say anything here.” He pulled a tissue out from the dwindling supply in the travel pack next to his leg.

“Hm. But I have a question.”

Urushihara blew his nose. Noisily.

Gabriel took this as his cue to continue. Apparently he was already correcting his earlier digression of reading the mood. “Since when do you sneeze like that?”He was on his way to becoming a second-rate-NEET after all.

Urushihara turned red. “Like what? Leave me ahhlone,” he protested, breath hitching slightly with the threat of another performance. Fuck. He scrubbed at his nose, but from the persistent way his eyes kept trying to close, he knew trying to ward off the sneeze was a lost cause.

Gabriel put his stupid hands on his stupid hips and bent forward like a stupid rooster waiting for a worm to come out of the ground. “I’ll wait. You take your time, bud.”

“hadhtKSHH’iieeh!” Urushihara crumpled forward and shook from the kickback of the sneeze. He emitted a raspy groan and sniffled and rubbed his nose with his wrist.

“I’m really just supposed to not comment on that?”

“Dude,” Urushihara grumbled and sniffled. “What do you want from me?” Gabriel scratched his head and sighed. “Well, I came all this way and you gave me nothung, so—”

“Nothung is a sword. What do you want from me?”

“Oh.” Gabriel relaxed slightly as Lucifer gave him a look of contempt. He helped himself to a glass of cold barley tea. “All I’m sayin’ is you were pretty notorious for having a cute little kitten sneeze.”

Urushihara suppressed a shudder as he fished out another tissue and shook his head. “Don’t say kitten.”

“Just wondering why you’re suddenly screaming. Trying to compensate for—“

Urushihara groaned and cut him off. “Dude, what the hell? Where do you get off coming here to insult me?” He sniffled again and gave his nose an upward swipe with the tissue and then he continued reading the Poketure TV tropes page. “Keep your crush to yourself. I’m not interested.”

“Aw, don’t be like that.” Gabriel rubbed the back of his neck and let out a huff of amusement. “Besides, I’m pretty sure I’m outta your league nowadays, so—“

“You’re a damn baby snatcher!”

Gabriel winced and sat next to him. “Well, I did have some juicy info for you, bud, but after that, I think I’m gonna need some compensation.”

“Dude, Ashiya’ll literally rip you a new one if you take one more thing from the fridge.”

Gabriel smiled. “C’mon, not like that. Guess you can say I’ve been bored too, m’kay?”

“Try getting a life,” Urushihara muttered under his breath as he attempted to return to his own in discovering some fan analyses of the most recent movie in the franchise. He sniffled again and coughed briefly.

“You getting a cold there, bud?”

“I don’t know, okay?”

Gabriel leaned in and poked the tip of his nose. “Bang.”

“What—hih-hht-! ugh f-fuck you.” He’d been a fraction of a second late in batting his hand away and the damage had already been done. “hehhdt…KKSHHh! HehKSSHHH’iEEH!”

“Hm…you probably are.”

“What the hell?” Urushihara crossed his arms and moved out of his reach. He pinched away a few tears from the inner corners of his eyes before flashing a glare. “What are you talking about?”

“You probably have a cold.” Gabriel made himself comfortable on the tatami mat beside him. “Did you start sneezing like that to seem tough around the demons?”

“Dude, no!” Urushihara’s frown turned into a look of disgust. “You’re so weird. Stop asking me questions about my sneezes.”

“I’m already not reading the mood.”

“Congrats.”

“You know, you should be a little nicer to me.” Gabriel sighed.

Urushihara rolled his eyes and grabbed another tissue. The day he started sucking up to Gabriel would be when hell had been frozen over for a millennia. His nose stung with each chafe of the cheap one-ply fabric, and he was starting to think he did in fact have a cold.

“You don’t really sound good. Was falling really worth it?”

“Yes.” Urushihara lowered the tissue for a moment and then squinted slightly before pinching off the budding itch. He was getting more nasally with each word. “And if you think so, that's another good reason to leave.”

“I’m sure you could use the company.”

Urushihara ignored him and scrolled further down the page and smirked at the text. The Thing That Would Not Leave, he read. How cliché. If he could just sit there in silence, eventually Gabriel would leave. Unfortunately, with the way the past few hours had been going, it might not be so easy, and the glare from the blue-tinted light was actively working against his attempts at ignoring the itch that was worsening with every inhale.

“Need another tissue?” Gabriel asked in amusement as he looked over him. He leaned in closer and smiled. “Looks like you’re gonna start up again.”

“Juhhstt stop talki’hhg abouhht—heh…KSHh! Ihkshh! h’KTshh! Iht’kshh!” He sneezed in rapid fire succession, wrist moving up halfway through the fit to cover his nose. They kept coming on, fittish and pitchy, and he was unable to do anything other than ride it out. “mpt’TSShh! http’SHhhee! ihh..hh’TSchhieh!”

“Yeah, that’s more like I remember.”

“Hehht’ZSHHh! Okay? Happy?” He buried his nose into a fresh tissue and blew it again. It was filled and rendered useless after emptying one nostril and he needed to grab a few more.

Gabriel also took a tissue and wiped the spray from his obnoxious t-shirt. In retrospect, he shouldn’t have gotten so close, but his curiosity had been appeased so he’d accept the consequences. “Guess I’m satisfied for now. Anyway, as I was gonna say…you really should be nicer to me, mm’kay? I’m the only reason The Watcher is standing down.”

“The—“ Urushihara sniffled and took a deep breath. “Why didn’t you lead with that? What the hell?”

“You should’ve guessed, because Sariel—“

“Hdt’ShhHieh! No! How would I know I’ve been out of the loop for like ever!”

“Aw. Bless y—“

“Dude I’m about to make a few calls and have you escorted out.”

“I’ll be long gone by the time you do.” Gabriel smiled. “Anyway, if you wanna do this again sometime, here’s my number.” He tore a paper and scrawled his number on it and flicked it at him. “Call me if you want to do this again sometime.”

“In your dreams.”

“Hope you have a nice day, bud.” Gabriel’s smile only widened before he finally left.

Urushihara switched tabs and added same-day-shipping lotion-infused tissues to the cart.

#snz #t/diapt #snz fic #sneeze fic #i love luci #my writing #idek what to say #hope someone enjoys

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juanitasupreme · 2 years

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ykw im feeling messy today time to be divisive and rank blackpinks singles best to worst.

1. Du ddu du: best raps, had a atual dance break, the hype during that era was unparalleled this was their first global hit ,basically but them on bullet proof boyscouts level

2.boombayah: the girls had one chance to prove to their company they were the new it girls and they did. lisa's rap outsold. jennies rap outserved. rose was on the sliding on the floor jisoo was a visual all was well. birthed blackpink in your era and i cannot lie "i dont need a boy i need a man" had me gobsmacked

3.So hot remix: technically is a single and not a comeback but i said i was ranking singles so get off my dick. the only reason teddy hasnt given blackpink an actual comeback like this is because he's afraid of success? i guess? has one of the least cringe english raps in their discography. like theyd actually body this. this remix came in the middle of a drought and got more streams than the original song in months. absolutley insane. hell they could probably still release it, just give jisoo lines and add a dance break omg.

4. Sour candy: technically not even blackpinks song but lets be honest it is. well its rose's really and we all know out of the 4 girls rose and lisa are the only ones really trying anymore at this point. once again if bp had a song like this they would devour. it would top the charts (deservingly) the reason its not higher on the ranking is because lady gahgah is on there, sorry ma'am

5.Playing with fire: she gave. everything. choreo was engaging, lyrics were deep. raps were slaying. everyone sounded good and this is the last time all of the members were seen trying during live stages. if bp released a song like this today blinks would cry tears of joy.

6. love sick girls: their last truly amazing song theyve put out to date basically manufactured in a lab to be a hit and it was.

7.whistle: its odd seeing whistle divorced from her sister boombayah but im gonna be honest here she has strong line distribution, good rapping but jennies vocals on the chorus never rlly hit for me. she sounds like shes straining, especially the bridge. honestly in my opinion they shouldve kept the demo version iykyk

8. Stay: i feel like people forgot about her. this is the only time bp released a slow song as a single. its very christian horsegirl music which was perfect for rose. i wonder if bp wouldve been better off releasing songs like this and their regular uptempo dance pop songs so that way they would have more depth as a group. but that would require actual effort from yg. bp has such a obvious formula for a lot of their songs that even when they try to break it it ends up more of the same *see, shutdown*

10. sure thing cover: ok i know im fucking pushing this it wasnt even a single but im putting it here because bp couldve benefitted from having a song like this in their discography

11.forever young: on the technicality forever young was promoted on music shows i will count it as a single. shes ok. i put her over kiss and make up simply because she has a dance break

12. Kiss and make up: technically dula peepas song but bp did good so im keeping it here.

13. Ice cream: npt as bad as people say it is its just painfully basic and selena didnt rlly add much but i digress.

14.pink venom: as soon as i heard it i knew they were going for early 2000s late 90s throwback vibes so i didnt hate it like everyone else what can i say i have the mind of a mastermind it was still a let down after waiting so long for a single though

15.as if its your last: i know the pinks hate this song it was the only new thing they had to perform for like two years.

16.ready for love: whew the hype for this song died so fast. its not even bad just forgettable

17. shut down: i will give the song this, the lyrics actually are catchy. the melody of the chorus was stuck in my head after the 2nd listen which is strange since its a lackluster song. rapper jisoo showed up which was a welcome surprise. the english raps left a lot to be desired.

18. awesome screen awesome camera: yes i put an ad with just lisa and rose here to make the number on the list even, and yes this samsung jingle is still better than kill this loveand hylt

19. kill this love: the first time(and not the last) i remember being truly disappointed by a bp comeback.

20. how you like that: ....

#too many bad takes #anon

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