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lullabysongs · 7 years

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3/19/17 I've been slowly trying to take better care of myself, especially my very fragile mental health that ive struggled with extremely in the last several years. Last year was really bad. It was the worst i had ever been. I was in a constant state of being manic, depressed, or (for what seemed like majority of the year) in a horrible mixed state of both. I stopped caring about myself, and i stopped caring about the people around me. I strained some very important relationships with people i hold dear. It was so bad last year, I tried to kill myself, twice. I was hospitalized, twice. Even when i knew i needed help and i knew needed change, i just felt so worthless and beaten i wouldnt even bother trying. I am extremely blessed with such a strong support group. I lost my car, i lost my job, i was partying too hard every weekend and blowing my money on drugs and alcohol. And the people that love me never gave up or faltered. I was never, ever, put down by any them for anything. Instead, i was taken cared of. I was given rides to and from appointments so i wouldnt be discouraged to go. I was given a safe place to sleep at night when i didnt feel safe by myself. I was given company so i wouldnt feel alone, and an ear to call when things got out of control. On more than just a few occasions, i was given their last penny so i could get any essentials that i needed. I was constantly reminded to do simple tasks to take care of myself, like shower and eat and sleep, because i would forget. I was given soft encouragement to do better, at a pace that i could handle, that never came with a demand to BE better. I was constantly reminded that i was loved no matter what. Somewhere along the course of (very late) last year, i was miraculously given my courage back. I found the courage to try again. I suddenly felt hopeful. I felt the need to give back to everyone who has been so patient and has given so much to me. And the only way i can do that, is to get better and be the best that i can be. I found the courage to be better, for myself, because i owe it to myself to try. Right before 2017, i made a promise to myself that i would try. I told myself to stop focusing on being "cured" and being "happy". I did not need to be better. I just had to do better. I promised myself i would take very small steps that would make me feel proud and accomplished. I told myself not to focus on the things going wrong, because there will ALWAYS be things in life to be dissatisfied about. I promised myself that, even if it didnt seem like it right away or when i still felt defeated, i would attempt to look at every single step as a victory. I am very proud to say that, so far, i have held to these promises and i am doing very well. I havent missed a single doctors appointment, (even though they seem repetative because i have them multiple times a week, and a lot of times they get in the way of work.) I have been extremely dillagent about taking my meds (every single one, every single day), even when it makes me feel really sick and not like myself. I have been on top of making sure my meds are always refilled, instead of letting them run out and waiting until my next appointment to get them refilled. I motivate myself to be my best at work and to do all that i can, every day; even if i dislike my job for various reasons, or when i dont feel my best, my customers still deserve the best. I am slowly beginning to look for a better job that will make me feel more fulfilled, and convincing myself not to stay at a job i dont like just because its 'easy' and secure. I am working on rebuilding my relationship with my family, trying to find a balance between helping them with everything that i can, and allowing myself to realize i can not do everything; i can not control what happens in their lives, and i should not feel guilty for not being able to fix everything for them. I remember to remind myself that just because something unfortunate happens that i cant fix, that does not make me a bad daughter/sister/friend/person, and not being able to fix their troubles does not mean i am worthless. More recently (in the last month), i began to reorganize my finances and began taking charge of my bills. Starting at the beginning of next month, i will have all of my bills caught up, and i have organized my direct deposits in a way so that i will (hopefully) not have to stress over whether or not they'll get paid on time for the months going forward. About two and a half weeks ago, i told myself to be a little more aware of where my money was going, and i saw that a lot of my money was going toward fast food and snacks after work, daily energy drinks, and cigs. Since then i bought a french press and a vape. I wake up an hour earlier than i used to, and i make coffee for my bf and i. I eat a good breakfast in the morning so im not so hungry during and after work, and ive stuck to eating most of my meals at home. I started bringing a water bottle to work now so im not so tempted to spend money on other drinks through out the day. I have just completed my first whole week without a single cigarette (saving up to $30 this week on that expense alone)! I am so extremely proud of myself for every one of these accomplishments. I am proud of myself for setting small goals and sticking to them. As for my next small step: I just started to write shopping lists for myself; things i need immediately (to buy during the week), things i will need soon (within the next couple of weeks), and another list of things that i want, that would make me feel better or make my life easier, but can wait until after all the more immediate stuff is taken cared of. I am a BIG spontaneous spender, especially when emotional, and i want to work on that because constantly running out of money for the important things sucks. I also began writing out all of my long term goals, and am working on creating small steps toward each thing, so i dont lose focus. Over the last few weekends, i have been making sure i complete a set of chores every sunday (mostly just laundry and tidying to the room up) so that i start off the following week feeling productive and renewed. Today is the 3rd consecutive sunday, and i hope to continue this until it becomes a set habit. I have a small goal of stretching for 5 minutes everyday, in hopes that it makes me feel less sluggish and stiff. My original goal was to incorperate this into my morning routine, but i would often miss it, and i would feel guilty for it. So i changed the goal for now, and i am encouraging myself to do this everyday, whenever i have to time. We are only slightly past the halfway point of march. I know this doesnt seem like a long time for most people, but for me, it seems like a miracle. This is the longest and most stable ive felt in years. This is the longest ive felt hopeful, motivated, and confident in myself. A year ago, i thought id be dead by now. And for the first time since the 7th grade, i dont find myself wishing for it. I dont find that ideation in the back of my brain. And I finally feel that im going to be okay.

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heyskoob-blog · 7 years

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Daily Routine + New Hobbies (:

7:00- my room is in a onsuite next to my grandpas kitchen/living room. I always set my alarm for 7:15 but I some how always wake up to the sound of a boiling water kettle whistling. I put on my moccasin slippers and my big flannel so my boobies don't show, then I go out to the kitchen and make some oatmeal and my grandpa pours us both green tea. Then I help him with the crossword puzzle and the rule is I can't get ready till it's done. I then go to the bathroom, brush my gapped teeth, brush my hair, put my contacts in, then find a nice outfit because you can't dress lazy at my new school or you'll be judged. I'd love to just wear sweatpants and sweatshirt to be warm but nope you can't. ): So I find a decent outfit and make sure I'm presentable 7:00- then I go to austins room and watch sponge bob till he's ready. We then grab our skateboards and attach them to our book bags, we walk Mackenzie to the bus and then we can ride our boards, we go to a gas station next to my school where we hide them in the bushes because we can't have them on school property. Then we wait for our friends to get there and put their boards in the same spot, we then walk to school together and wait in the cafeteria for 1st period to start. They serve milk and cereal cups for the kids who dont get breakfast but there's always extra so I get one sometimes 😏 7:35/1st period- Language arts, my teacher here drags her s's on and talks super quiet and soft and we just read books. It's so boring and hard to stay awake, good thing is there's never any homework or tests just book questions. 2nd Period- Algebra, my teachers super enthusiastic and sometimes makes us homemade bagels. He wakes me up pretty good, he's like in charge of the county fair it's so cool 😂, I'm doing good in his class cause it's so hands on 3rd Period- Chemistry, its super hard and my teacher is weird as fuck. She's like so quiet and always cutting her toe nails or rubbing them under the desk super kinky-like. It's so weird but whatever. She's got so many piercings too, we think she's a secret porn star. She's really good at teaching 1 on 1 though, that's the only way I'm passing. 4th period- business, we just sit in a dark room on computers and make presentations on weird topics such as 'spiral Mac and cheese or original?' then present them and try to convince the class to vote for your opinion. It's weird the teachers sick I think cause she's always absent and her works so easy. 5th Period- lunch!! Here I just eat whatever Tracy packed for food and talk to all my new friends which are kinda lame but I can deal with it. 6th/7th Period- SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGY!! I love this class so much we're learning about the brain rightnow and I've learned so much, I love how weird my teacher is, his rooms got buddhas all over and he plays rock music and shit and then he gets in front of the class and even though he's the goofiest guy he's literally the smartest dude ever and you'll learn so much. We're like best friends he always lets me make tea in his room. Also I love green tea now? Just plain. Isn't that weird?? I love it idk why 8th Period- this is the Period I go to photography. It's sooo fun I get to buy a nice camera soon for the class we go around the school or outside EVERYDAY to take pictures for a portfolio due at the end of the year. My teachers awesome, he eats mustard toast. 9th Period- Government/Economics, in this class we learn so much and I'm always focused. I love learning about the government and world problems rather than things from the past. 10th Period- study hall, I love having study hall at the end of the day and luckily I have no friends in this class which actually makes it good for focusing and studying. 2:35- school is finally over, I go to my locker put on my jacket, yes a jacket! I wear jackets now instead of being a cool no jacket guy!!! (; then I grab my book bag and wait outside for my friends and Austin, we all walk to the gas station and buy a big container of hummus and a huge back or black corn tortilla chips. And ofcourse Arnold Palmer tea, it's only like 2 bucks a day when we split the price. Then we grab our boards and ride to this area under a bridge where no one is and where we eat lots of hummus my new favorite food, and drink tea, and they teach me how to skate, I'm already so good at it. At first I needed a helmet but guess what? NOT ANYMORE!!!!! :-) oh and when it's raining my gym teacher who's my neighbor, gives us a ride to school or home from school. 3:00-3:30- we go home and Tracy makes dinner and we all eat and then I take a nap lasting 1-2 hours then I do homework then I play Xbox with Austin, then I study some more then nap another 2 hours then I wake up arounddddd 9:30- I wake up and draw a little, or I go downstairs and work out most of the time but I draw either before or after. Then I go to my room play music on my record player, turn the lights off except for my salt rock and essential oil diffuser which have lavender so I get sleepy (not really) then I sit in my bean bag chair and read this book I've been trying so hard to finish. Idk if anyone reading this would know the name of it, I think it's called 'Eleanor and Park'? Yes it is. See it's so hard to read to myself cause I read a page then can't even remember what it said so I'm trying to teach myself to read slow and comprehend each word. Sometimes it takes me 10 minutes on a page rereading it till I get it. I've also been thinking, I love the name Eleanor, or even park. I just wouldn't want both my kids to be named after the book, but maybe one. They're growing on me I guess. (: 10:00-10:15- I get into bed and get super comfortable, I listen to soft SoundCloud music that usually puts me to sleep thinking happy thoughts, but when a few songs play that I have so much meaning to me, it will keep me up for a little just to think, not to be sad but just to think. I always put it on shuffle so I don't know if they'll play or not. But when they do it's like I can hear a voice repeating in my head singing me the same lyrics. Slowly getting quieter and quieter and then fading away. I loved when you'd sing to me, and a few times not many but a few you fell so deeply asleep, and your voice just drifted away. It was so relaxing and made my heart do a little dance! 12:00- I'm physically asleep by now, but mentally I'm still thinking. I'm always thinking I swear. All day, I just have random thoughts. I guess I'd say my mind is pretty active, even when my body is at rest. I've been dreaming so much, I wake up shaking or sweating or with my hands on my face, and I think about the dream and then I fall back asleep, and when I wake up I try to remember but guess what? My dream is gone. Maybe one day my dream will return, one day when I wake up with my dream still there.

#love #thoughts #idk

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