#i DONT binge things. i am mentally incapable | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thisdogpaystaxes · 9 months

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i work really hard and i can't win. i'm doing really bad at work learning my new position that i busted my ass to get and i feel so dumb and i can't even try to talk about it bc i cry bc i'm so sensitive to it bc i really want this and i want a good work life balance but i can't have that if works not computing. i haven't been able to work properly in months and it's bc i haven't been taking my adderall.

i transfer for my new job on monday. I DONT HAVE A CAR! my fucking car is still broken and being worked on. i've poured my savings into this car, my savings that i'm trying to use for school. the one thing i care for most. school. my fucking little dumb seemingly unattainable dream of being a therapist :D how am i gonna get to work bro.

i start grad school in three weeks and i'm so scared. every time i try to get mroe familiarized i'm interrupted by some shit. it's so expensive and i fear nothing will click bc nothing is at work. i'm scared that if it does click, i'll still struggle because i'm working 40 hours and i don't know what i'm even doing. i feel like i'm pouring money into the one thing i want most and i'm gonna fuck it up!!!! this is all i want!!! i just want to be a therapist so fucking bad but there's road blocks!!!

i know i need to be patient and grind for what i want but i'm gonna fuck it up! BC GUESS WHAT THERES MORE

my cyclothymia is doing its thing and i'm really sad and depressed and unmotivated and i can't feel properly. i've been with this guy for a few months and he's awesome. he treats me perfectly, he takes care of me, he gets along with my family- and is also a lot older than i am. but that's not the problem. i just can't do a relationship and ** ***** high key like things just haven't been the same i just randomly stopped feeling the same way about him but he's so in love with me and i thought i felt the same but then i saw my friend and her partner and it made me realize i'm not :) i know what i'm like when i'm in love and immm jsut not. or maybe it's different but he's not the one i don't think and now i'm like oh

but is that me talking or my incapability of feeling that rn bc i'm depressed. i'm also convinced i just won't find romantic love in this life and i've been saying that bc of the love i have for my friend sis honestly enough.

i love my girl friends though like i literally can't get enough of them and they are why i'm alive. they're my favorite people ever!

i would like to add that my body is ruined. it is upsetting. bc even if i make it i will die young. my hips are so fucked i can barely walk. i keep getting infections. and candida overgrowth in multiple ways. and my brain is rotten. my hands keep cramping and having trouble moving bc my bones r fucked. which is giving me tendinitis. i have an eating disorder so i either binge or starve. bc i don't feel hungry just sick if it's even that. and i drink a lot!

but at least i'm trying right.

and like i'm so capable of dealing with other peoples problems like i have a lot of chaos but i really can and that's why i want to be a therapist bc like fuck let me help you!!!

but things just keep happening. and people in my life keep needing me at times when i just need to be alone and detox and try to be okay. my soul is being torn apart by the limbs. all of these things i just talked about are happening consistently one after another, where the physical deterioration is sprinkled between the life situations. and it sucks. things won't stop happening i just want peace so bad like a day of no physical pain or mental anguish bc im in a rough fucking spot and it's just exhausting

this is me trying. i'm trying i'm trying i'm trying like i'm doing my fucking best but i csnt stay awake bc of my brain and my body both being so injured. and i keep hurting the people around me, not all but yeah the men. always hurting men. not my kiggs though he's my angel baby. they don't deserve it, im just destroyed!

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littlebabycrybtch · 3 years

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dude ngl i am just Not here for Any of the ‘lmfaooooo mentally ill teens on tiktok think BREATHING is a symptom’ jokes. yall rly gotta get over that weird concept that its easy to compare yourself to others, especially nd kids like i??? first of all quit pretending u kno shit from dick abt what other ppl experience or assume about your life lmfao bitch u think, but anyways people cant read minds and it gets harder when you throw illness/disability into the mix. im sorry but yes sometimes that DOES mean things like not realizing binge watching tv shows is a common experience and not a sign of trauma or w/e. and its not even that surprising or ‘stupid’ when u think abt it with sympathy goggles on like its. part of growing up nd and how you are treated to end up ‘’’naively’’’ accepting all of your behaviors as something ‘wrong’ or ‘disorderly’.

like u spend ur life just vibing how you wanna not suspecting anything is amiss while being told ‘wtf stop doing that thats fuckin weird’ by your peers, and most likely being told ‘dont worry thats normal’ (or usually just outright having your struggles ignored) by doctors/family, and you get to just sit around wondering whats wrong w/ you until you finally find out ur nd just to get mocked for not understanding at that point in ur life whats actually considered ‘normal’ and whats ‘weird’??? bro besides the fact that literally, how are they supposed to Instantly know in what specific aspects your life differs from theirs when their own life is the only one theyve ever lived, but also.... ofc they wanna believe everything is a symptom. when ur not used to having ppl on your side, and then you suddenly have a community, you’re gonna feel safer and more comfortable putting all your eggs in that basket instead.

usually when ur diagnosed you have to relearn what normal and weird is, its rough, but theres gonna be Many periods in life where you’re feeling out your identity and will get it wrong anyways bc thats usually how you come to understand it like imm?? i cannot fathom why ppl seem physically incapable of sympathy for misunderstandings like this. nd kids are legit taught ‘you are fucked up Somehow, but idk how so it must be your fault and ur just wrong ig’ their entire lives. so yes, it seems ‘stupid’, but you TRULY just start to accept every fucking thing you do is weird, and prepare to deal with that bc the reactions when you assume smth thats weird is normal. can be a lot more cruel than the times where you assume smth normal is weird. this shit isnt easy! not everybody you see is pretending they cant realize a trait is common for clout or w/e its just genuinely hard to know whats normal or not when ur CONSTANTLY treated like a clown for, in your own mind doing the most regular benign fucking shit!! its a little perception melting over time!!!! you ppl literally need to stop pretending this is ‘nd people who are being stupid’ when its a thought process Blatantly Related to living with neurodivergency, and finding it funny is just another dimension of unnecessarily cruel bitch behavior.

like ‘haha idiot thinks wanting to eat leaves is intrusive thoughts there is no way u actually believe that shit isnt an everybody thing lol wow’ GHHGHGHJ YEA NO MAN LIKE??? IDK WHEN U TELL SOME BITCH AT SCHOOL U WANNA EAT A LEAF AS A CASUAL GENUINE THING AND THEY JUDGE YOUR ASS........... UR INSTINCT AS AN ND PERSON JUST ISNT TYPICALLY GONNA BE, “oh okay theyre just being rude, im not the weird one they are for not getting it, lol’, YOU ARE TOLD YOU ARE THE WEIRD ONE ALL THE TIME! HOW COULD YOU EVER INSTINCTUALLY BELIEVE ANYBODY ELSE IS THE ONE IN THE WRONG FOR JUDGING YOU!! ITS EASY TO FEEL LIKE APPLYING THAT TO NEURODIVERGENCY MAKES SENSE ACTUALLY ... IDK WHY THATS AN IMPOSSIBLE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS FOR YOU PPL TO IMAGINE... smfh like if nothing else idk can i be real here lads. No type of ‘haha this behavior is funny bc u misunderstood smth out of stupidity loool’ joke towards nd ppl. is ever gonna be a good un-ableist look for you. like Ever

#idk how many more times i can explain to ppl why they can educate others on neurodivergency w/o being an insufferable bitch abt it #or how its better for everyone that way. like idk how many more times i can sit ppl down to say 'ur unfiltered mockery isnt woke today mam'

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