#i dont even really miss him anymore but like. for a literal quarter of my life he's called me at midnight to say happy birthday | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hayleylwong · 1 year

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reflection 05-02-2023 9:15pm

9:15 - today i am annoyed and frustrated. my roommates have been getting bolder and i am still unable to confront them. today i returned to my dorm and found the fairy lights from my box from angie turned off. i thought this was odd bc they dont turn off bc the switch is broken and u have to use a safety pin or something similar. anyways after inspection it appeared that the battery case of the lights had been broken into and a battery taken out so that the lights would turn off. theyre not even that bright and ive seen my roommates literally sleep with their laptops on playing shows out loud all night. anyways the battery thing was extra annoying bc the panel that comes off to change the batteries was missing the little pieces that keep it attached so they literally broke it im very upset. also i only ate like ten caramel things from the bag that was in there and now its a lot less full. i am very upset but i dont know how to confront them. i also think they ate the rest of my trader joe takis idk why they think i wont notice if they just leave a few left. there were like ten left in there when i brought it back and then i opened it again and there were two. who is such a glutton that they go through someones stuff just to take like eight pieces. i have begun to take before and after pictures of all my stuff so i will know if they have gone through it. i think they also ate my granola bc the bag was resealed differently than how i do it. i would never clip it back so ugly. i also think they ate my pretzels and peanut butter cups and i know they ate my chocolate pretzels last week. and they definitely ate my chips too i dont understand why they dont just go buy it themselves theyre literally all international and out of state and have expensive unnecessary products. my tissue box that i only used three tissues from was empty too do they really think if they leave two left that i will gaslight myself into thinking i used a hundred tissues in half a week when i literally wasnt even in the dorm for more than like an hour total. also i started to feel a pimple forming on my nose so i went to get one of my pimple patches and the box that i know there were at least 12 left an entire whole sheet was left and it was just the packaging i am very upset especially because they are twice as expensive at the westwood target. whose disgusting face needs to use that many pimple patches i am very upset. i am going to start using their olaplex and kerastase hair products in the shower and using their expensive face products i do not care anymore. i am very upset. i am going to ask my ra friend for advice and tell him that next time they throw in the dorm he should go yell at them. he should also tell them that youre violating our roommate agreement by having unannounced guests over half the week sleeping in the living room. i want to start leaving my food to spoil on purpose so that when they eat it they get food poisoning or something i am very upset. i dont understand why they feel the need to take my stuff im literally going to keep a log of everything missing and charge them at the end of the quarter. they broke my fridge and the freezer part has no door anymore and is covered in like an inch of ice. and i swear i had another two bags of frozen stuff in there that is now gone so they probably ate that too. literally whenever i open anything they take it upon themselves to eat half of whatevers in there and leave like a tiny bit left wtf. but i am very bad at confrontation but i prob need to try by myself before going to the ra. i am very upset. literally what did i do to them. i am very upset. oh yeah today i got like six hours of sleep and ate grilled cheese and tomato soup from kerckhoff cafe and then got boba from sharetea and then i had ramen from feast for dinner and i got cafe 1919 for dessert. everything was so good. after my laundry which i have time to do for the first time in three weeks ! after i finish i am going on a topgolf date w my friend lol. hes paying ahaha. i hope i still have time to meet my club friends after.

10:53 - we are not going to topgolf anymore bc the waitlist is full. oh well lol i feel like he did this on purpose so that i would have to pay for it next time bc we agreed to alternate paying for dates. we are still going somewhere though i guess.

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warmau · 4 years

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Love Struck!AU x ATEEZ

find other love struck!aus here: monsta x | day6 hey you! happy valentines days!

hongjoong

a love language that consists of showering you in gifts

and not material things, but handmade treasures

jewelry, love letters, and matching one-of-a-kind decorated phone cases or denim jackets

he feels like his talents are what can show his love best

you sometimes end up with a tower of these gifts in your hands to the point where you’re running out of space in your room on where to put them

he won’t admit it outloud, but seeing you use or wear something he made - make it feel like in one way or another you two are connected by something special

someone once asks where you got that necklace and you excitedly pull hongjoong over and say he’s the artist who made it

when that person asks if he’ll make something for them

he goes red in the ears and quietly explains

“i only make things for the people i adore, im sorry.”

seonghwa

horrible at trying to keep his composure

frequently tries to help you with cooking or cleaning or shopping

and when you accept and he finds himself in close quarters for you. he ....... loses it

sometimes he’ll be one second by your side and the next he’s gone and you’re stranded in the freezer section looking around for him

while he’s heaving over in the dairy aisle - crazily muttering to himself that there is no way someone can look THAT cute picking out ice cream flavors

tricks himself into confidence but then your hand's brush and wooyoung can SEE seonghwa’s soul leave his body

you’re trying to make a simple dish for dinner and are grumbling about the ingredients you’re missing

seonghwa offers to go out and buy them - already slipping on his shoes

when you turn off the stove and say you’ll go with him!

he tries to refuse, and explain that he wants to help you not burden you furthermore

and when you look up at him and smile - “spending time with you is never a burden!”

well oh my seonghwa thinks he sees stars

(and he does. poor boy crumples backward against the wall with glee and you have to shake him a few times to see if he’s alright)

yunho

more than anything, there are a lot of emotions and it is all ......... very confusing

one moment he’s buzzing around you with so much warmth and taking every chance he can to hear about your day or look at the new book you’re reading

and the other second,,,,,,,,,he’s locked up in his room

hongjoong knocks and says “someone is here and wouldn’t you like to see them?”

and yunho feels like he’s five again, hiding under the blanket because your pretty face makes him nervous and a little scared

he flipflops back and forth and everyone else doesn’t understand it either

one evening you let yourself into his room after knocking a few times with no answer

to see him with his hand against his forehead and his phone in his other hand

you rush over because “are you sick? are you looking up your symptoms?”

and yunho nods

he turns his phone over and you read the recent search:

“im so in love, i think it’s making me catch the flu?”

you look up

“you’re in love?”

“yeah. with you.”

mingi

if he had a tail, it would be wagging whenever you were anywhere in his vicinity

just the sight of you makes him jump and grin and fall like an overgrown puppy over your lap

eyes twinkling with nothing short of adoration

he always needs to be next to you - if you’re in the car going somewhere

if you’re at the amusement park with the rest of the boys

if you’re all just having a conversation

mingi isn’t the least bit shy about picking hongjoong up and placing him on the other couch so he can be closer to you

although he does get shy about looking your way, peering at you and encountering the chance that you might look back makes him so giddy he can’t sit still

much to the laughter of wooyoung and yeosang who go

“oh, mingi is wiggling again - that means you know who is on their way.”

(the you know who is,,,,,,,well. you.)

you try something you’ve never done before one afternoon, you put your hand up and run it through mingi’s hair as he tells you excitedly about this dance he’s learned

the sensation makes his hyperness come to a halt and instead he looks at you with wide - bewildered eyes

“sorry, should i not do that?”

he shakes his head

“please keep doing it.........forever.”

san

liar liar pants on absolute raging everyone can tell but you fire

“i don’t like them. i just think that if i get to sit next to them it’s an advantage for all of us because...........well because they’re wearing blue and im wearing green and those colors COMPLIMENT each other”

something twists in his stomach every time someone points out how much he favors you above all

because if his secret comes out - he could lose you

so his defense is to: lie

“if i liked them i would just tell them, obviously, im choi san - i dont fear anything!”

correction: he fears rejection. ALOT.

there are days when his lies come out a little painful and the quiver in your smile makes san want to dig a hole and bury himself

the last thing in the world he wants is to make you sad - so one day he decides he can’t risk it anymore

when hongjoong playfully points out that san has been staring at you instead of the movie for the past hour

san takes a handful of popcorn, shrugs, and admits it

“they’re much more interesting than this boring flick.”

although yeosang is painfully ticked off at the fact that san just called a wildlife documentary on bees ‘a boring flick’

everyone else is happy he told the truth

you slink down a little in your seat because you’re happy to but ,,,,,, oh ,,,,,, whatever does that mean?

wooyoung

tries way too hard to become what he has deemed is your “ideal type”

like he hears you like striped sweaters and guess what - if it doesn’t have stripes, wooyoung hasn’t worn it in a month

if you mention liking vanilla flavors well then by gosh darn ,,,,,,,,,, everyone in the ateez house is eating vanilla ice-cream from now on

because if seonghwa’s hand even reaches for strawberry, wooyoung is like AHEM

he really doesn’t have to put all this effort into sleuthing out your likes and dislikes

because the truth is, nothing makes you happier than witnessing him be a total goofball with all the confidence in the world

so when he keeps claming up and trying to do all of these things that you’ve never even seen him do before

you think there’s only one way to make someone who takes everything so literally ,,,,,,,,,,, understand

jongho asks you one day, “so what do you lik-”

and before he can finish you point across the room and go

“i like wooyung. you know, wooyoung wooyoung.”

wooyoung goes so red - he has to hide his face in yeosang’s back before whispering

“how do i become more wooyoung-ish?”

everyone: oh my god you’re ALREADY enough TRUST US

yeosang

gives you the cold shoulder, kind of

but it’s the antarctic if he thinks you’re showing favoritism toward anyone else

you once gave jongho a pressed flower you’d made - just because he asked to like,,,,,,see it

and yeosang was found standing in the living room with his face in the corner, lamenting what he had done wrong

san and wooyoung keep teaming up to get you and yeosang alone

but yeosang manages to slip out of their plans like a cat slithering from the hands of an owner when it’s being petty

you mistake it sometimes as annoyance so you try hard to be happy and cheerful and bright

and it just makes yeosang that much more afraid to approach you because ,,,,,, you shine like an angel and what if he does something that dims that light

he’d die

he says as he falls backwards on the bed and his members shake their head

“you know they think you hate them right?”

jongho says what no one else can and yeosang jumps to his feet

“they think WHAT?”

you end up with a yeosang who is pleading over the misunderstanding and without even saying it he confesses just how much he likes you and you,,,,,

you whisper in his ear that a matter a fact - he is your favorite, he’s always been

(yeosang flaunts that - and your upcoming date - the whole week)

jongho

no time to dilly dally about it!

he thinks you’re a work of art and well he’s gonna say it

or sing it

i think he’d definitely enjoy the chance to serenade you but he just read an article about how that could be embarrassing so you know what he’ll just stick to letting you know his feelings,,,,,,normally

and jongho, even for being so young - is the only member who thinks shame is a sham

therefore

he will take your hand under the afternoon sunlight, leaning against the window and watching the beams fall on your face

illuminating the features he thinks are just otherworldly

and he’ll tell you

he’s lovestruck, what more else is there to say? he can repeat it all you want to hear

the rest of ateez just won’t believe it - did he just make up his mind?!

but jongho knew it from the first moment and he just picked a time where he could say if easily

“if im going to waste my time pining over you, i think it’s best you know how hard im pining.”

#been in the queue for this day!#ateez scenarios #ateez imagines #ateez au #mingi scenarios #hongjoong scenarios #san scenarios #yunho scenarios #jongho scenarios #yeosang scenarios #wooyoung scenarios #seonghwa scenarios #ateez

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jangofctts · 3 years

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MORE HCS FOR YOUR BOYS!!! fklasdjkf okay so. I think you and kamikaze would absolutely HATE each other at first. like,, youre the new medic assigned to the sunburst squadron and the first time you meet him he says something like, snarky and rude and pushes past you when blanche introduces him and youre like woah what and then jaws is punching your shoulder and is like “nah thats just kaze, hes moody” and youre like okay we’ll see but then when kami goes to apologize he sees you fitting in so well with his brothers and hes like great well my chance is gone so you two go on months hating each other and exchanging mean quips for no reason and it lowkey hurting each others’ feeling bc youre so so attracted to him it hurts but you just let it go on bc he drives you crazy and youre combative by nature fkslfs anyways after a really really tough mission youre back in coruscant and you all split up to go rest in your respective quarters so ofc kami doesn’t expect to find you on his walk?? he’s showered and changed and he doesn’t smell like blaster smoke anymore and is wearing non-mud covered clothes so for the first time in a while, kamikaze can say hes happy. that is, until, he hears your choked sobs, and suddenly he’s not so happy anymore. the mission was hard, it was really hard, a lot of men had been lost. men - kami re members - were part of your old squad, the 501st he thinks, general skywalker’s squadron. (the following is all bullshit it’s literally the furthest thing from canon i made it all up) he finds you leaning on a wall with one hand while the other fails to stifle the sobs escaping your throat you stiffen when he says your name softly, straightening your back, clearing your throat, and harshly wiping away at your tears as you refuse to face him. “if you dont mind,” you say shakily, kami watching as you squeeze your hand into a fist, “I’d rather not do this today” and instead of something mean or snarky coming out of kami’s mouth, what you hear instead is “what were their names?” And he barely catches you before you collapse against him, squeezing you tight to his chest while you sob. “kix,” you choke out ”and jesse, fox - fuck - fox” and he just holds you while you paw at his chest and cry for your fallen friends. “I know,” he whispers when you say they didn’t deserve it. he strokes your hair and whispers “I know” when you ask why it had to be them. sinking to the floor, he whispers “I know” when you say you loved them. he just holds you, mouths gently against your neck and buries his nose in your hair, making promises he cant keep about how everything’s going to be okay, how your boys will be just fine. it feels like hours later when you blink up at him, eyes sleepy and sad and blurry with grief while you play with the hair at the nape of his neck that you mumble “aren’t you going to kiss me kamikaze?” n hes almost (ALMOST) so shocked by your words (and the fact that this is the first time he’s heard you say his full name and that it’s hot) that he doesn’t but then you bite your lip and look away, insecurity written all over your face, and he knows he has to make it better. he decides then when he turns your head back to his and plants his mouth on yours that he wants to make everything better. even when you pull away and whisper “I hate you” against his mouth. Even when he whispers “I know” against yours. even when he takes you back to your room, even when you invite him in, even when he has you trapped under him in your bed, when you tell him you hate him. even - and especially - when he kisses you and moans into your mouth, pleading “say it again”

-⚡️

wHAT THE FAUK I

whaDGSK WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME CRY IM SHIEBS MISS ⚡️ THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT AND LIKE IM SO BLOWN AWAY BY HOW ACCURATELY YOU PORTRAYED HIM LIKE I

like the “i hate you” “i know” FUCKING SUPERB I

#iM SCREAMING #aNd CRYING #ask #keida answers #⚡️#tcw oc #oc trooper kamikaze #clone trooper oc #sunburst squadron

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jinatbd · 4 years

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I think it’s time to reflect on 2019.

What a fucking whirlwind of a year. I dieted, exercised, went to korea, went blonde and pink and purple, took a CBD class, took a lot of Yoga, kicked my merch habit, lost and gained 10 pounds, got a new fucking job that I fucking love with the best boss I’ve ever had, worked a ton of just the craziest events, and got to see the clouds move at crazy fast paces that make me feel so light and uncommitted to this world and who I am now. I think that’s one of the crazy things of sitting here on the 40fh floor watching these clouds float and I mean literally get a move on past me above a city that seems to be falling asleep slowly. What a gorgeous view and a crazy experience that I get to have. And I had this not just once but multiple times this year.

I love these stupid skylines and gorgeous landscapes and breath taking views and just expanses. It’s so different than just sitting in my LA apartment and I’m so so soooooo immensely grateful for this change. I’m glad we moved too. I think I’m happy with the move just a little uncontent with where we are choosing to spend money.

2019 was so insanely long.

Kpop wise, I was still so in love with stray kids at the beginning of the year. I watched the miroh cb but tbh it set the tone and so I wasnt as thrilled about the remainder of the comebacks. I was still so so into BTS. I still really liked taehyung. I had a yoongi phase to shield myself from claires increasing obsession with Taehyung. I got to have JUS2, the best unit ever to be birthed by GOT7 debut and also have their stuff everywhere while I was in Korea. I got into Izone. I got to have WayV fulfill every single Cpop dream I had. I watched IP2 and cried over YMM pretty much the entire season and wenhan. I got to see blackpink and pentagon and Twice and GOT7 AGAIN!!! And then my dream literally came true. I worked kcon?!? I dont even care for ATEEZ but so so cool to be able to be part of a moment. And I got to see Woojin 🥺the only one I would ever use this emoji for. As the year draws to a close, I really think I’m a bigger Dream fan than ever before. Fireflies and DNYL was the track OF THE YEAR. I can’t stop listening to it and boom is also such a great track. And on some level I think that SKZ is my guilty pleasure EDM group. That’s super super nice to have. I’m obsessed with SUPERM. WHAT A GENIUS MOVE to have such absolute powerhouses in one group and I’ll get to see them in the new year! Also so so so proud of Got7 this year. While eclipse was not my favorite, I will say this year everyone seemed the most content with what they were putting out and they had the best time promoting all of their music. As a fan I’m much deeper in love with Markhyuck than I ever have been and it’s starting to blend into 2park. It’s been such a whirlwind. Such a crazy long year. I also will take some time eventually to talk about just how different it is now that BTS is a clear top. Nothing is as interesting or as fun anymore. Especially year end stages. And I miss having Exo. I love BTS don’t get my wrong. I rrally think they did something exceptional with their music. But I dont think I can ever refute that EXO is the BEST kpop boy group of all time for many many many reasons. It’s nice having them comeback with a strong concept like obsession. So. So happy with it. Also Lowkey happy with the music style trade between 127 and exo with obessesion and superhuman lol. I think for now that’s enough about kpop. How I’m consuming it is constantly changing. I’m not longer following as closely but I think it’s just enough. And I’m learning when to save and when to just like something.

As a person, did I become more of a leo? More abrasive and rough? Defensive and almost unpleasant to be around? Maybe. I think there’s a lot of residual habits that I had formed during my two dormant years that I want to fix including, accidentally over dominating a conversation and spacing out when someone else is talking. I feel super rusty and I feel bad that I seem to no longer engage with people as much as I used to or as well as I used to. I think I need more practice with friends who aren’t just in my immediate circle or very surface level. I definitely want to read more books on that.

Personally, I have a few goals this year. First quarter of the year I want to focus on my exercise, diet, and korean. I think 3 things shouldn’t be too hard to handle. To tackle this, I want to spend time looking at things I would like to cook to be healthier and to eat healthier. And for exercise, if I can just manage to do what Kelly did and pair it with exercise, I really believe I can drop major pounds. I feel motivated again to do it and I want to do it well. I also do want to set some goals at work but I think that needs further reflecting this month. On my to do list.

I still want to do some form of YouTube but I havent quite decided what yet. So that’s more to come later.

Did I reflect on my 2019 enough? I really think that it’s been an immense year of personal growth but also if slip ups and seeing a lot of my Achilles heels. A testament of my laziness but also willingness to make things happen. I was burnt out and motivated all at once because it felt like I was living three lives at once and I had comepletely separates how I felt in each one. It proves to me that I am able to really change how I approach anything just based on mentality and it has nothing to do with how I feel right now as a whole. I am complex with many emotions and depth that gives me the ability to juggle almost multiple universes for myself. What makes me so so soooo excited about this year is that I think I can finally properly break away from chains that I’ve imposed on myself through my friendships. I have been learning how to form my own opinion, how to defend yet not be defensive of them, and to not have to agree. It’s less of a breaking away from my friends than a breaking away from my thoughts and impressions of this friendship past my boundary.

On that note, I do think this is the year that I let Alex Lim go. I think cutting him off myself last fall was the hardest most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever had to go through in a friendship but I am happy to report that I’m happier now. I feel unconstrained and just the same indifference I feel for his girlfriend. I’d love to stay in the loop but it’s not the same stress that I felt.

I also feel more free of Alex Do for the first time. This year included the developments of his update wi th AILINA when I decided to go to exec elections, him ignoring me, me finding out he was dating someone, me finding out he was refused to make it official because of us but had also brought her home, and him moving back to Texas. It just felt so much freer to not be tied anymore and to feel bad or feel remorse or any of the things that I had felt in the entirety of our relationship and post breakup. I’m actually quite happy with where I’m at now.

Family is hard. I think this year is going to be hard for everyone.

Regardless. What an amazing jam packed long ass year. I’m so so soooo excited for anew chapter. It proves that time doesn’t necessarily need to move faster. But I should also plan with less stress. I think that’s the biggest take away this year. How I manage stress.

Here’s to a 2019. The craziest year yet.

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scorpioslut-blog1 · 4 years

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Social media, vices, drugs, intentions..again

On adderall. My chosen drug of preference right now. it makes me think, it makes me feel, it makes me express... i havent done it in like a week tho, so i'm sorta cracking out... bothering mila... thinking about life. I also just am always thinking, thinking so hard and about so much that I don’t even know what to do... and adderall makes me productive. it makes me feel, makes me think, makes me walk briskly and crave cigarettes and black coffee. my brother thinks i’m undiagnosed bipolar 1 and adhd, so maybe adderall was fated to be one of my many, many vices. which reminds me... i deleted instagram AGAIN, or my main account, just sort of disgusted with the distraction of it all... how i’m roaming these pages, even as an outsider, an outcast, a loner, comparing myself to everyone, being influenced by them... i dont really care about any of them... i mean i see wonderful people and wonderful things but i feel so detached, so isolated from everything and everyone. and i know i'm doing it to myself, but i dont really know how going back on instagram was supposed to help. i did it when i was lonely, and was stuck on there for a few weeks before it let me delete again. but i dont know. i guess i'm trying to live in the moment, in the real world, without the needs to broadcast everything or prove to people that i’m doing things and have friends and i'm beautiful and cool and all these things i used to care about. i just dont care, or am trying not to care, about how people perceive me. i feel like i dont, compared at least to a lot of people, but still, its this all consuming thing that ties into a lot of my concerns regarding the power of perception. and i’m just so angry. sooo angry at everybody, so angry at myself, i hate myself, i hate my family, i hate everything, and it isn’t fun. i wallow sometimes, i enjoy cigarettes and the smiths and being angry at the world but i dont know. today i missed a really important doctors appointment that, unlike most, wouldve been probably really useful and productive and instead i showed up fifteen minutes late (which is standard and not even that late) and they said i should reschedule but instead i didnt. afterwards i wanted to throw my skateboard off the second floor but i didnt, then i thought about throwing it down the stairs but i didnt. then i went outside and considered smoking a cigarette but i didnt. i instead walked back up the stupid hill i skated down in the rain just to make this stupid appointment and did all the things i'm supposed to do (after taking adderall). i went to the student store and stole a hydroflask, which felt really good, especially since i lost my old water bottle and thus my body and skin has literally suffered. then i went to walgreens and stole some black hair dye, which will give me something to do tonight besides all the responsibilities i'm perpetually neglecting. then i got a black coffee from strada (not a latte, because apparently adding any milk negates all the good shit coffee does for ur body, according to a random white guy in a dashiki i bought chips for outside of trader joes the other week). then i came to kroeber with the hopes of working on this project i'm pathetically half assing for sculpture, ran into mila, and have made him be the brunt of my adderall induced psychosis (not psychosis; using this word lightly).

now i’m outside of kroeber because i wanted a cigarette, one of the few vices i’m not even attempting to mitigate at the moment. even though its not good for my skin and my stomach, two things i've been trying to really improve. the one thing i cant bring myself to do is get up and start my day and do all the motions of a regular person. i love sleep, and there’s nothing wrong with it, except i had been having a hard time going to bed at a decent hour for a while, so i got a dab pen which helps. all i've done the last week was sleep, though, and i'm enjoying it again. i can now go to bed early ish, if i try, which is good. i think i'm also getting better at thinking, which was the main reason, i believe, i was drinking. so i wasnt thinking so damn much. i've also tried not avoiding thinking of certain things, which i historically do, distracting myself with my social life and other people’s problems and my problems and boys i like and parties i’m going to. i dont worry too much about death anymore, which might be my greatest feat. i'm going through what i'm tell my friends is a quarter-life crisis, something they will understand when they turn 21. i think that’s a big part of it. i think a lot about where i am and what my twenties are supposed to mean, where i wanna be, the person i wanna be. i had a thought the other day that i had no sense of who i am. no sense of self or identity. especially after being consumed so heavily these past few years. i dont even remember the last year. i felt like i was floating through it. which i guess is the point of all my isolation and self punishment. i want to be present for my own fucking life. i think about the last year of my life and it just feels like i never digested it, realized my context in the world, outside of my house or my friends. which is the benefit of being alone. thinking, digesting, unpacking... but then i get so lonely and bored and unmotivated and then i just distract myself with television. which is so bad, but so good. i can think about these fake lives so much more, and not think about my life, or my lack of one. i dont want to feel bad for myself. but i guess i just want things that i'm not getting right now. i want friends i can laugh with and enjoy life with. i want things to look forward to, which come and go. i want love, i want someone to sleep with at night and cook with and watch tv with. i think a lot about the things that i've had, or when i had them. i had all these emotional, physical things with justin. and it’s been almost a year since i’ve had that. i had a sexual experience after thanksgiving, i went over to this guys house who is really nice and smart and a great but just terrible in bed. TERRIBLE. but he was a good cuddler, he’s really nice and respectful (i just dont want ANY sexual relations with him at all). i think i wanna be his friend. but it was really nice to have someone in bed with me. i think its also more hard when i see everyone around me in these beautiful relationships of all sorts, so happy and productive, even if everyones mentally i.ll too, they can sleep together and do things together... but i can do that too, by myself or with friends, which is what i'm trying to do. also not use other people as crutches, as reasons to get up or wake up early or eat food or have fun or socialize. after i get through this week or two of making up an entire semester’s worth of shit i didnt do, once i have free time which i simultaneously always yet never have, i want to love life by myself. i dont want to need adderall. but at this point i just wanna do anything that fixes things. i keep telling myself that if i just get through this and keep sticking to these changes I'll be happier. my new life will cost my old one. but then the pattern tells me that i need to stop hiding from who i'm meant to be. so i dont know what to do... i know i'm a social creature, i love people and connections, but i hate everyone, i'm sick of loving and giving, i'm trying to be intentional and waring and careful with my relationships but i'm just so lonely and bitter. i'm driving everyone away, killing the few relationships i do have, i hang with bree and like her a lot but like she pointed out, thats because we live together, not that i dont like her but i'm forced to socialize with her which is good but also i should want to socialize with other people. i think going home will be great for me. connect with people. i dont want to tell people how lonely i am but i am. and itl be really nice to spend time with the people who matter to me over there. about this whole not-present-in-my-own-life-for-a-year thing, i havent really been there on the east coast. like i want to be there. i was there for so long, and i thought this place would be my home, but now i'm wondering. i think also its realizing that its me, not where i am, so i need to fix me. and i'm trying to fix myself but also, at what point do i need help? how do i get that help? i know it sounds easy, my mother says so, i just call and make these appointments. but then its just so hard to do, hard to establish these schedules and hard to get there or even want to go, and money, so i dont know. i want to take a semester off but thats not gonna happen. i want to stay but i want to go. i want to get better, but i dont want to fall into the same patterns. i want to break the pattern. i want to stop floating through my own life. i want to be productive, successful, functioning, and I want to be that fun time, that fun funny beautiful person i know i am, but i dont want to be destructive or toxic to myself or others. i want to love myself, i want to be that person i used to be. i want to be as brave and confident and sexy and interesting and mysterious as people perceive me to be, but i feel like none of those things. i dont want to shower because i dont want to look down at my body. i want to get dressed and feel good about my appearance in the morning but i just always feel so ugly and insecure and uncomfortable, and i know i wasnt always like this, sometimes i am, but i wonder if i was just faking it, and i think in many ways i was. i know growth and self improvement is not linear and not always an upwards trajectory and i am trying, but it just almost feels like I'll never be that person again, and i want to. i want to go back in time. i want to always be doing things and having fun, but i know i cant. i know i cant because its not sustainable, its self destructive, its destructive to others, and that is how i became a commodity. i became something to consume and distract and give and create fun and introduce and party with and take pictures of and with. it makes me sick. it makes me sick how people want to be me or be with me or theorize on me and my personhood and think of the ways in which i serve them, how i'm always up and happy and fun and if i'm not then i did them wrong, or i'm wrong, or i'm mad, or i'm rude. i dont like how people want things from me, how i'm always performing, always pretending. i dont like how people dont want to understand how complex people are, but then again maybe its only in regard to me. then its my fault for creating this persona, feeding into it, allowing and encouraging them to take from me, its not that theyre taking but its that i'm giving, so i dont want to give anymore. i'm sick of giving and giving then being painted the devil. i dont like trying to be this or that or hoping for this or that. so i'm not giving anymore. which hurts me, i want to give, i want to love and create and bring together. but i think about how i surround myself with beautiful people and things, hoping that if i am surrounded in beauty that it will make me beautiful. i fetishize everything, everything fetishizes me. i like to be looked at but i hate when people look at me. i want everything to be about me, but i am nothing. this is not a movie, this is real life, people die, people take drugs, people hurt, we hurt each other, the world is unfair and fucked up and some peoples likes just arent supposed to be easy. i know i'm grateful, and i'm trying to be more grateful and appreciative and exist in this life. i am thankful for my parents, but i'm mad, and i cant even vocalize or express in the ways that i want to. i cant say anything real without crying. i'm not even particularly more sad than usual, i think i'm just depressed and lonely. which i've been many times before. anyway, i'm trying to take advantage of everything around me, like i'm supposed to. i want to go to dolores and bask in the sunlight, i want to enjoy being with people but not be the entertainer. i want things to feel natural and effortless but i want to be intentional so bad, i want to be thoughtful and intentional with words and actions and situations i put myself in. like when i hooked up with that boy, i didnt want to, i didnt know how to say i just didnt want to. when i actually am invited somewhere and i socialize i want to enjoy it without drinking or drugs but i cant. i had a nice day the other day, me and my room mate and her mans and her friend who’s my friend who i love dearly and is really awesome, we all went to sutro baths and had a grand old time, a great day, we went to an estate fair and a coffee shop and we went to sutro baths then got vietnamese food, it was lovely. i want more days like that. it felt nice to socialize, be with a group of friends, having fun, being young. i want that balance, i want to focus on my career and studies and interests, i even want more days like today. i failed miserably but i took adderall and did some things in between before it hit and now i'm writing my feelings, which feels absolutely amazing. i'm on my 4.5th cigarette today, but like i said, one allowed vice in the place of many. i want to do things, to be functional, to live in this moment with full presence and action.

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thegeminisage · 7 years

Text

i realized i had been typing up zelda blogging into notepad for like a week plus without posting, cause i didn’t wanna post everyday once i finished the main story? but then it got SUUUPER long. i waited for it to kinda taper down since now i’m mostly down to completionist stuff, and since it has, i’m gonna post it & just do small posts if i decide to blog abt anything else.

it feels rly weird not to zeldablog now

i ran into a blue? silver? lynel and got trapped fighting it on my way out of hyrule castle AND KILLED IT!! yay!!

also im going back to the mountain to check out that glow

i checked the shrine out next to it, since i was only activating them near the end and not DOING them

and they've gotten way more complex

now i understand when the monks commend your resourcefulness like before i was like, pls. that was way too easy. literally anyone could have done that

i went to the lake at night and it isn't glowing ): idgi did i see something else? does it only do that from a distance? on certain nights? i could see it from SO far away...

o my god theres a GOLF minigame the camera angles even do the thing

fucking fuck dinraal showed up WHILE I WAS PLAYING GOLF

i MISSED him im so mad i couldnt fast travel away bc minigame!!!

WOW AND HERE COMES THE BLOOD MOON WHICH I WAS WAITING ON AT THE LAKE MOUNTAIN im so pissed i fuckin hate golf at this point its faster to finish than to run all the way back and quit :|

i finished golf but the blood moon just turned into?? a normal moon??

ah okay the glow is random and it's a rare mount!! thank god it wasn't just me losing my mind lol

haha i went to kill the shock arrow lynel just to see if i could and it only took like less than a minute with atk+ armor and decent weapons/shields

plus i'm just better at that special timing stuff now

figures it wouldn't happen til post-game

wtf another blood moon only a few nights later???

i read it was super glitchy but i never really realized until i was paying attention...

aww i bought a house!! maybe link and zelda can live there until the castle is restored YES THEY WILL BE MARRIED SOMEDAY

it's a cute quest i wish i had brought enough rupees to buy all the furniture in it

anyway like. it's super nice to have finally beaten this game's story?? i feel like now i don't have to Rush, i can stop and poke around and explore just like i want, tbh i kinda wish i had done it sooner

anyway im done for the night but i think i will rack up a bit more blogging before making a post i don't wanna be making one every day anymore

——

okay so im gonna wait for the blood moon at this shrine

ive been reading that its random and glitchy?? but had i never read any of that i would have been SURE it was just every full moon, like clockwork

so maybe i'm wrong or the internet is

anyway i have enough fire arrows and wood to camp for a full 10 nights, after which im bailing lol

OH FUCK CANCEL EVERYTHING A SHOOTING STAR

I WONDER IF I CAN FAST TRAVEL TO IT??

only one way to find out

I CAN!!!!!

tonight's a halfmoon...if it's waxing then only 2 more nights, if the blood moon is the fullmoon

waning - 6 more nights :/

and who even knows if the blood moon is the full moon...

i've been reading so much and there's so much i was aching to do while trapped in bed that i don't know where to begin...! yet i am waiting at this dumb shrine, haha

i think i wanna to the terrytown quests? tarrytown? where you build a town, those sound so fun, but ofc i need rupees

three-quarters moon! pleeease letthe next one be a blood moon, i say for once in my life lol

oh no...full moon but no blood moon ):

ugh i do not WANT to camp here for a hundred years

i suppose with the nearby shrine i can get to it fairly quicky but not quickly enough for my liking...once the moon rises you only have literally like two minutes before it leaves

so i have to notice it, get out there, and get naked in less than 2 minutes, without warning :/

ok yeah no this is stupid i'll just do something else while i wait

ah, but what! this is what i was talking about earlier, where do you even BEGIN

i could go back and solve shrines, but puzzles are only fun for so long, i wanna explore and there's so much left to see

i could also rupee farm hahahaha

and for better or worse i do eventually wanna get all the korok seeds...

actually i think i wanna fight minibosses?? which is so weird but i feel like i can take em

i know the silver lynels will kick my ass from reading tvtropes but i can take the others!!!

i also read about the lon lon ranch ruins, which i either missed or didn't realize what they were...i don't have a clue as to where they are, but i wanna see them, i know i'll be Sad

omg people startle when i get close to them wearing dark link armor

oooh i was wondering what this big circular tower was...man i havent seen ANYTHING in hyrule field

apparently there are monsters inside...i see a blue lynel? silver lynel? who knows

but i fought one before, so maybe i can take it

i WAS wanting to fight stuff

camera says it's silver, tvtropes says silvers are harder than calamity ganon himself

but the ones that aren't red all look alike to me, so i have no idea which kind i fought in hyrule castle...and my sword had superpowers then

the problem is all these OTHER monsters...no way could i take them on all at once

so i gotta go around and pick them off first without being noticed if i can

omg i cant drop the master sword when electrocuted ahaha nice

oops i dropped a lizalfos down there with the lynel....lmao maybe i better just go fight him before i fuck up anything else

ah no it's coming back on its own. well done

ok, got em

man, wouldn't it be just my luck if the blood moon rose NOW

tbh if it did i would have to abandon this entire thing, which i would, reluctantly, just so i wouldn't have to wait anymore

ooh god he saw me i was hopin for a sneak attack ;w;

ok here we go i guess!!

i did it!!!!

it actually wasn't that bad, tho it got a bit dicey a couple of times

so much of this game is like, your buffs and armor and weapons, i've had harder fights against weaker foes just bc i wasn't properly equipped

but learning to dodge and use my shield a bit better certainly didn't hurt

tbh it looks like most of what i wanna do requires rupees, so i should go farm some i guess!

boring, but you know

apparently i was wrong about the music in goron city and the gerudo areas and they ARE the classic tunes...i just didn't hear it??

AAAAH the satori mountains are glowing!!

;w; i caught him

what a freaky-lookin boy

i wish i could keep him!!

jesus fuck the blood moon came up and i idled at the screen without looking, god, the ONE TIME

i bet i'll never make it in time but i gotta try

dark link armor will make me move a BIT faster at night for what its worth but i dont even think i have revali's gale ready jfc

thank god i made it with just a few seconds to spare

yikes its lightning af outside so im gonna quit for now

——

aww tarreytown looks so cute so far!! i wanna build it up ;u;

lol i hate when you know a guardian is nearby and can't find it even tho i can fight them now my heartrate is still so jacked up

——

god the tarreytown sidequests are so pleasant and relaxing like

i havent felt so calm playing this game since...i don't think ever

and like, they talk about the yiga clan and the monsters outside

and if i were a person with more time i would write the cute genfic about how tarreytown gets put under seige but their location makes that hard and they fight off the bad guys

it's always sunny there!!! no matter the weather elsewhere :')

also i finally did break the hylian shield cleaning out the guardian room on maze island and i got a replacement there......for3k, but still

anyway im finding all the chests from the shrines i missed and one is in the plateau ): my heart

like, i can't believe i used to think this mountain was massive, this plateau was massive. it's so small compared to everything else. and so lonely ;_;

like, i miss it, weirdly, but i miss the version that had the easy enemies and the old man and where when i looked outside of the walls it was all very misty and i couldn't even comprehend the true size of this world

so: nostalgia, i guess

——

jesus FUCKING christ i went out to see the ranch ruins with epona and i got attacked by a guardian, a yiga clan member, and two silver bokoblins on horseback

FINALLY fought them off, terrified the entire time something would happen to epona, and i got attacked by three stal moblins

fought THEM off and there's a stal bokoblin on a stalhorse! but i can't catch it or ride it because of all times, the blood moon is rising!! j e s u s c h r i s t

now i've gotta get on my horse and get the hell out of dodge before those things come back to hurt her

i was thinking of a nice relaxing-if-sad trip before bed but no i gotta come back on FOOT to kill these guys AGAIN and then bring her back during the DAY so we can properly look around

who KNEW this would be so awful, jesus

okay update i did get on the stalhorse bc i have about 30 seconds to snap a cool pic (no way i can ride it out to whatever stable i need for the quest...even if i could leave epona here, it's much too long of a trip) but fucking hell dude

FUCK i took too long it rose epona and i are STILL HERE LMAO (((:

i didn't know if i should get on epona and ride for it or teleport to the stable and then board her

i teleported and it looks like she's still safe bc they boardered her ;_;

i took her back out and gave her a bunch of apples ;____; my poor brave girl

lol as if that wasnt enough its about to start lightning

ugh i'm coming back tomorrow and cleaning that place out good and fucking proper

i'd kinda like to do it tonight but it's already so late and i don't feel well and it would take a long time and also be a bit stressful probably

at least now i know where to find lots of stalhorses lol

although if you think about it they're there bc a lot of horses died

aaaaand i'm sad again

(super mad i didn't get pics on my in-game camera of the horse, but the snapchat pic i snapped of dark link riding it under the blood moon was still pretty damn cool)

——

w o w

i kinda wish i had been able to bring epona, but i couldn't—it's so dangerous here

but after clearing it out and actually getting to look around, uh

this is brick-for-brick the most faithful recreation of oot's lon lon ranch

and i am SO sad

ugh i just had to restart an entire shrine bc i dropped my korok leaf at the last second bc i was trying to open all the chests and i had to go back and get my good spear that i had to drop to get the korok leaf in the first room...but i needed the korok leaf to get back to the end!!!!!

i hate the weapons system in this game sometimes i won't lie like sometimes it's really good and sometimes it drives me bonkers

oh my fucking god lmao

i can't even RESTART the shrine bc the leaf was in a CHEST which is now empty. holy shit

like, that is NONFUNCTIONAL

they should have had a tools section for leaves and axes and shit i swear to fuck bc i always drop korok leaves as soon as i can bc i don't ever use them to sail and i have so little room and there's so many weapons...jesus christ

i made a huuuuuge list of everything i need to fully upgrade all my armor. it took hours but i think i did the math wrong

remember when i said i was never going back to eventide? well here i am! i'm farming bokoblin guts/general monster drops lol and i knew there were a bunch here :|

but i'm better armed now! so it should be a cakewalk

even red hinoxes don't give me much trouble these days. we'll see

sniped the upper camp no problem with some pretty basic bows. don't know WHY i sniped it, i could have fought them...

haha just kidding. yes i do

time to fight the hinox, i suppose

tbh this is giving me trauma flashbacks lol

duuuude theres a lil star by this hinox's name!!

does that mean the game keeps track of which i kill.......awhile ago the fang and bone guy said he wanted me to kill every hinox and i'm like "fffft yeah right like the blood moon wouldn't come up halfway through each and every try"

but maybe that doesn't matter O:

now i can use stamps to only mark hinoxes i HAVENT killed............interesting

unfortunately i've also been stamping lynels, and i'd hate to take stamps off just bc i'd killed something...man

i wish i had more kinds of stamps and the ability to USE more stamps, geez

i could kill all four moldugas first and see what he did before deciding if it was Worth It

this doesn't make me feel like a badass and i'm not actually getting any great drops. i just have war flashbacks and feel slightly creeped out and anxious. so i'm leaving

holy fuck i finally got the rubber armor and duuuuude it really is shock proof! i got struck by lightning and it knocked me off my feet but only took a quarter of a heart!!!

——

guess i should make a list of taluses, hinoxes, and moldugas i KNOW ive killed :|

it won't be comprehensive but i wanna keep track of it, sigh

i'm trying to farm bokoblin guts but this one area is like all these high up bridges and platforms and they ALWAYS fall so every time i have to fly down and climb back up :|

this place was from one of the coolest parts of the trailer though i really like it

i thought foolishly to knock them all off and then go down and get them. of course they'd despawned by then </3

——

I FOUND KASS IN THE RITO STABLE? HE HAS A WIFE AND KIDS BACK HOME??

like tvtropes spoiled that for me i'll admit but im still cryin...hes so homesick!! he fulfilled a promise!!!! kass buddy i'm gonna clear those shrines for you ;_;

also update i get medals for killing all the things so ofc i gotta do that if i want 100%

i Dread the getting of the korok seeds i just dont know if i am Capable especially knowing there's no reward

like, i'm trying to get all the shrines done before i finish off the sidequests bc once i finish off the sidequests i am not gonna wanna play anymore, the story stuff and exploration stuff will mostly be over, my drive to keep going will drop dramatically, so like

gotta do the shrines first so i actually have time to WEAR the super cool armor i get

otherwise it would be sidequests, shrines, armor, but then no more playing lmao

——

I GOT IT AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL

I MAY NEVER WEAR ANYTHING ELSE

(thats a lie i gotta wear other stuff until i can get this upgraded bc the stats are so low...but its BEAUTIFUL)

——

i did all the stables so why won’t kass come see his daughters? ;_;

oh ok i had to go get the cache

AWWW BUDDY

he finally knows it’s me!! furthermore zelink #confirmed thank u nintendo this is probably the most overt it’s ever been tbh

——

finally fully upgraded my armor & i never wanna see another dragon again

they kept failing to spawn where they were supposed to and the only one who spawns reliably/is easy to hit/doesn’t send scales flying 100000 miles away is farosh, naydra and dinraal are absolutely horrible, naydra in particular has nowhere you can fast-travel to, you have to fast-travel to a nearby shrine and then walk a good distance no matter where you drop in at. naydra was also the most finnicky about showing up when she was supposed to

at least i figured out i can use a flame sword instead of fire arrows to light campfires

getting honey was pretty easy there’s a fuckton next to those hinox brothers and acorns are kinda everywhere

the beetles were a little more tedious but once i put them on my sensor not too bad...the worst part was turning beedle down every time he wanted one because he does a LONG speech that is SUPER annoying after the 100th time and you’re just trying to buy arrows

anyway im gonna go test the defense

surprise! lynels and guardians can still kick my ass!

everything else seems to fly right off me tho so that’s something

it’s been ages since any hinox or talus was able to put up a fight against me

i’ve still only killed about half of each tho like :/ damn they are everywhere & there’s sooo many

——

i’m lowkey wondering if i will attempt to 100% this game like i do Not look forward to getting all those fucking korok seeds, at that point it is no longer fun, yk, and the reward is so stupid

also i saw a video about having to visit every major named place on the map as well

and both of those things obviously guarantee that you see EVERY INCH of this huge and exapansive and beautiful world, but i feel like if i forced myself to keep going and doing it i would learn to hate the game a little bit lmao. lowkey feel like that’s adding fake hours onto your game for something that stop being fun and turns into absolute tedium, but i guess i can understand wanting to give completionist players a reason to see EVERYTHING

we’ll just see how i feel - i still have quite a few sidequests left, and while i don’t wanna burn thru them too quickly (bc again, after they’re over my interest will drop dramatically) i also still wanna fight the minibosses and upgrade as much of my armor as i am able to

but like, who the fuck has time to farm 160ish star pieces...? not me my dude and that mmo-type drop rarity is like :/ i disapprove, that’s like...cheating. but anyway. we’ll see how far i get

#/#//#///#////#/////#loz #botw spoilers #loz blogging

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