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kalabiz · 4 years

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with september so close. i feel. incredibly mad at myself. i spent the four months after trying so hard to just . remember. to fit things for myself. ive had to be quiet for so long. in the beginning i didnt know what questions to ask and so many people just didnt know what they should tell me. and once i started getting a better grip on the life i have. asking thise questions was just embarrassing? and mami and everyone just acts like nothing happened. we dont fucking talk about it or mention it. and with ash and ari and dani and destiny. its just not the same thing anymore. theres so many things ive pieced together that they just refuse to talk abt and say its in the past. well how can it be in the past if i dont even know about it? and its so upsetting to think about donovan and how he just couldnt handle what happened and now we’re just distant friends. like ill see u on instagram or send u a buzzfeed link once a month friends when it used to be me and him, two peas in a pod. and justin. im so good with justin now. how out of all people is justin now my best friend. i love him so much, but he just doesnt know everything. and i wont wven think about online because thats so upsetting. all the friends i have right now are people i just met or my friends from hs or njit. and thats just a shallow cersion if whsts happening with me.

the worst thing was being off tc and add in order to help my brain get to a neutral place gearing up for surgery once we saw that i had the benign tumor. like those were such bad emotional months. i know right now infeel crazy but ive never felt more displaced from my body. the one thing i am incrediblt grateful for is mami agreeing that i needed therapy after that psychiatrist recc’d it. like dr. lasater genuinely helped me sort out so much and my progress ti getting a tangible hold on my life would not have been in any way as good as it went. the days after the hospital. i wss so anxious to get a grip on my life to force myself to ease back into the person i was in september. isnt that fucking weird? i came back online and fought so hard with mami to just let me dtay at the dorms and stsrt the semester instead of delaying a semester or a year. who even does that. and i fought so hard to like the things i did. i like kpop and that stuff now. but in the beginning it was me just forcing myself to watch videos and learn in order to try to jog something in me.

and september and october i tried my best to text people and find out wjere i stood with them. for the leos and everyone back home i think we’re lnly ok now just because we didnt have to see eaxhother every day bc we all started uni and calls once a week was Enough. we didnt have a chance for it to get awkward and heavy. and honestly being friwnds with justin and kris made this so much easier. especially with meeting mo and the rest of njit crew. and then november hit and thats when it was like Woah its serious now . and i was scared of dying because my brain hurt so much and i was. so . empty and i stopped texting people and i decided ok im not gonna try like i was vefore what happens happens. and i just. i dont even think anyone from njcu or the frienfs ive made rn at uni know abt my health problems or the redacted. only my roomates because we had to sign the thingy saying they were aware or whatever. like its just not important anymore and its embarrassing. ive spent so many years hiding and keeping my tc seizures as lowkey as possible from pillow crew besides ashley. like redacred? not that big of a thing to hide. and how embarrasing is it to admit that it happened because u overdosed and ur body was alresdy in over drive and u dont even know Why you were suicidal. humiliatioooon my looove iand when december christmas thing happened and i had the seizure. that was terrifying because it was only three weeks until surgery and it felt like a nail in tbe coffin?

but its whatever now. ill never get those yesrs back and sometimes i still get scared when im trying to olace a memory or trying ti tell a story and its just blank. but its something . it feels okay now. and left hand tremor is always gonna be something u have to deal w bc of the surgery but at leadt i dont hesr those stupid fucking wind chimes anymore.

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fiftyshadesgrl · 5 years

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Consumed part 5

(Y/n)'s pov

When sam and dean walked out the front door i decided id get a quick shower and make myself look non zombiefied. I heard the rumble of the impalas engine as i turned the water on, sighing to myself that ill have a little while to collect myself and get used to dean hanging around again.

I know that since sam is helping me its inevitable that dean would be too. That doesnt mean i have to fall back into his arms again, no matter how bad i want to at times. I shut the water off and dried off, my thoughts going to dean. Why is he still coming around after last night?

As i pulled my cut of jean shorts and tank top on, i heard a rustling coming from down the hall. 'What the hell?' I whisper to myself. Then i heard a thud coming from the living room it seemed. I grabbed my gun that never leaves my side and opened the bathroom door.

Nothing seemed disturbed as i glanced in each room going down the hall. I placed my back against the wall right outside the living room, listening for a few seconds but not hearing anything else. My grip on my gun firm as i swung around the wall aiming at the man sitting in my recliner.

Deans eyes went wide as he got strangled on his beer. He set it down on the table and stood slowly lifting his hands up in a surrendering motion.

"Damn it dean!" I yelled lowering my gun.

He breathed a sigh of reliefe as he watched my gun lower. "Is that how you greet all your guests? I knew youd be mad about me being here but, damn."

I rolled my eyes, "i thought you left with sam, and you are not a guest. Youre a damn stray dog that wont leave." I walk into the kitchen to grab me a beer, gun still on hand. Sure enough dean followed.

"Youre not gonna shoot this stray dog are you?" He asked with a slight chuckle.

I lifted my beer to my lips, "im thinking about it." I said before i took a sip.

We stood in awkward silence for a minute or so until i decided to speak up. "Whyd you stay here anyways?"

He shrugged, "i was hoping.."

"That we could talk." I say finishing his sentence. He nodded and i shook my head. "I dont know what youre hoping to get out of this. I already told you how i felt about this."

When he looked me in the eyes it was like he was baring his soul. I could see all the pain and guilt he felt. "I just want to explain a few things. Give us some closure."

"I have already had my closure." I sigh.

"Have you?" Deans tone is serious, not mockingly as i expected. Hes genuinely curious. Whe i say nothing he nods, "i didnt think so. You left suddenly and i had no way to contact you."

"Sam knew where i was." I crossed my arms across my chest, i told sam not to tell dean where i was so thats not a very good point to be made.

He leaned against the counter across from me, i jumped up to sit on the counter trying to make more space between us.

"I didnt know sam knew where you were. Ive spent the last year at the bottom of a bottle. I was a wreck, but i know i brought it on myself."

I nodded, "yeah you did. So if this is a way for me to feel sorry for you and apologize for leaving, which i was totally justified doing, then youre wasting your time."

He shook his head, "no, thats not what this is about. I deserve every bit of misery and pain i am going through and i dont blame you for leaving. I just had no idea how my world would be turned upside down once you did." He ran a hand through his hair nervously but continued. "I never had sex with any girl that i cheated on you with."

I chuckled, "oh come on dean. You expect me to believe that, im not dumb."

He held his hands up, "i didnt say you was but it is true. I admit i made out with them all, maybe grabbed some tits while doing it but thats as far as it went. I wanted to show you that you could do better than me, but when it came down to doing the deed with anyone but you i couldnt. I froze, like someone dumped a five gallon bucket of ice water on my dick. All i could think about was you, i swore that i would never do it again but i did because how could someone so perfect love someone so broken."

His voice started to shake and he lowered his head so i couldnt look in his eyes. "Dean." I whispered softly, he shook his head but i waited until his head lifted. "We are all broken in someway, sometimes it just takes the right person to help us put the pieces back together. Thats what you done to me, i felt the same way and thought the same way when we were together. The way you looked at me, like i was the most beautiful woman in the world. The way you would give me your coat as a pillow on long road trips. All those little things helped piece me back together. As soon as you cheated on me i began shattering all over again, but the one thing i found out after my suicide attempt, is dont expect anyone to fix you." He was actually listening, not like before when he let it go in one ear and out the other.

"I appreciate you coming clean about everything but i still dont believe you never slept with any of those women. I dont trust you, but maybe one day we can be friends again. I will tell you this, what we had before we will never have that again and i am sorry if that bursts your bubble but i cannot put myself in that position again."

His eyes fell to the floor as he nodded, "i understand. I want you to know one thing though."

I leaned forward, "whats that?"

His smile was laced with pain, "i have always loved you. I never stopped."

I was taken back by that and it did hit me right in the heart, but before i could say anything i heard the feont door open and sams voice. "Guys im back!" I jumped down off the counter, as i passed dean he grabbed my hand and gave it a little squeeze. I looked up into his eyes that held unshed tears and gave him a slight smile.

I felt his pain, i still feel the same way about him even though i will never admit it. I pulled my hand slowly from his and walked back into the living room where sam was sorting through the food.

Sam looked from me to dean and back again. "Did i miss something?"

"No, nothing at all." Deans voiced vefore i could say anything. Sam just shrugged and handed me my food then deans. Dean stared down at his food for a few seconds then smiled at me and sam both.

"I think im gonna go to the car and eat."

I opened my mouth and he stared at me like he was waiting for what was going to be said, but nothing came out. Did i want him to stay? Yes, i did, but why was a question i wasnt ready to answer just yet.

Dean nodded then walked out the front door. I sat down on the couch with a huff, sam sat beside me a moment later and raised his eyebrow at me.

I gave him my best bitch face and growled, "dont ask."

@an-unhealthy-obsession @vicmc624 @holylulusworld @tftumblin @justanotherwinchester

#dean winchester #dean x reader #deanwinchester #supernatural #dean x you #deanwinchestersmut #spn

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