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#i feel this line perfectly encapsulates the loneliness of this game
mars-ipan · 1 year
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i think part of why i love tsp is i love horror but hate threats
#no monsters in that game! the horror comes from your solitude#you are the only one in there! you are the map’s sole living occupant#when you see that rare glimpse of the employee walking through the window you don’t feel /fear.:#you feel /relief./#relief that slowly dwindles as you realize you will never get to interact with this npc#you’re as alone as ever#and the game knows this!!! it knows it!!!#your sole company is the narrator- a disembodied voice. that’s it. nobody else#(yes i know the curator the timekeeper/settings person but you get my point)#and some of the most unsettling moments in the game are moments when the narrator is quiet#the playtester ending where you fall out of bounds and he can’t follow you#the infinite hole in that moment where he leaves and you can’t do anything but wait#do i even need to explain the skip ending. the distress in the narrator’s voice- the distress YOU feel at being forced to leave him alone#he actually has a really interesting bit of dialogue in there. to paraphrase- ‘if you can hear me then maybe i’m real’#i feel this line perfectly encapsulates the loneliness of this game#it is just you and a voice. each confirming that the other is there. that the other has an impact. that their actions mean something#that they’re real.#and what’s CRAZY about it is that it’s not even a horror game!!!!#is that part of it? yes undeniably. but the game is about choice#the narrator says so all the time#GOD it’s so good. one of those games that turns you into a philosopher#another reason i like tsp is because the narrator is relatable lmao#i too love to go on long tangential rambles and use purple prose and i too will be distressed if nobody listens to them#might be why the skip ending seems to frighten me extra#anyways i think more art should focus on the horror of loneliness and effects of solitude on the soul#i could write a goddamn essay on this shit. actually i might i loveeeeee analysis
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osemanverse x taylor swift songs
(ft. some excellent literary analysis of these connections because i got an A* in english lit)
(spoiler warning for every osemanverse book)
solitaire
this is me trying: this represents tori deeply struggling with her mental health but being unable to vocalise it, culminating in the rooftop scene which i felt was a good parallel for the first verse.
miss americana & the heartbreak prince: this one is for tori's sense of social isolation and feeling like michael is the person who really gets her, plus the "whole school rolling fake dice" and "playing stupid games" is everyone becoming obsessed with what solitaire is doing.
(honourable mention to ivy; yeah, it's a fire, it's a goddamn blaze in the dark and YOU [lucas] started it!)
this winter
'tis the damn season: generally in terms of lyrics this isn't an exact parallel but it's about The Vibes of what christmas is to charlie in this year, and there's the line "the holidays linger like bad perfume/you can run, but only so far", which corresponds with his desire to escape.
heartstopper
because this is the longest osemanverse text, and the most explicitly romantic, i could pick a lot of songs for it and vic already did an excellent breakdown of her "nick is a swiftie playlist", but here are some of my thoughts.
fifteen: charlie does indeed hope one of those senior boys will wink at him and say 'you know, I haven't seen you around before'", but equally it's about having a shitty first relationship (fuck ben) and not realising it at the time, and the story starts with him walking in on the first day of a new term with a new form, so yeah! fifteen!!!
i think he knows: the parallels between this and the final panels of heartstopper volume 4 have been pointed out in this post and it's just a very Them song, because they're very connected and understand each other.
nick & charlie
betty: okay, so while neither of them cheated on the other, i think this song perfectly encapsulates the drama of their reunion post-breakup. if nick shows up at the tennis court, will charlie have him will he want him? charlie's only 17, he doesn't know anything but he knows he misses nick!!!!
radio silence
mirrorball: frances is a mirrorball, changing everything about herself to fit in! the song's more about celebrity performance and how that's changed in 2020, but emotionally that's how frances feels trying to keep up her facade of Study Machine. also this is on my autism playlist and i think frances is autistic so Yeah.
seven: let's hear it for daled!!!!! aled's mum is always mad and he should live with daniel and they can be pirates and they won't have to cry or hide in the closet!!!!!! and just like a folk song, their love will be passed on!!!!!!!!
i was born for this
superstar: parasocial relationships baybey!!!! while angel isn't in love with jimmy, she definitely uses her connection to the ark to cope with her underlying loneliness and lack of direction, and she feels like no one special, just another wide-eyed girl, she's invisible and everyone knows who he is!
the lakes: this one's for the jimmy side of the dual narrative. poor boy just wants to run away to the lake district away from all those hunters with cell phones and have a social media break.
loveless
it's nice to have a friend: yes this song is technically romantic, but all the imagery in the first verse about the high school connection between the two people... it's georgia and pip your honour. and the marriage imagery is about their college marriage! they love each other! also "feels like home, stay in bed"... "we kept the beds together" vibes!!!
you are in love: georgia @ pip and rooney!! the relationship itself is very piperooney, but this song also maybe shows how georgia feels left out of relationships as she won't have romance?
thanks for reading y'all, stream red: taylor's version from november 19th ❤️
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noirlevity · 7 years
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Pairing: Gureferi Prompt: Fun Times Genre: Romance. Rated T. No warnings Words: 4, 408 Summary: Guren and Ferid acting lovey dovey.
A/N: I got a little too carried away. 
---
Everything didn’t really seem difficult. In fact, everything seemed to be going well: Ferid gave Guren a distraction from his stress at work. They spend time together as much as they could. Gurenfor the most part had already came into terms with his feelings. He just accepted it as it is and was perfectly happy with what he had with Ferid.
Gurenhad beenbusy because his surveillance work was still ongoing. Feridmost of the time  visited him at his apartment, and offer to cook for him.
Ferid knew that Guren’s work was tedious. He knew that it also involved putting his life on the line. Since he had been given the chance to be close to him, he wanted to be there for him, even if there was still some hesitation that he could not shrug off; even if there was still doubt, that maybe, it would still be better if he stayed away from him. But what was he to do?
On the other hand, for Guren, Feridbecame a habit; he became a routine; perhaps even an addiction. EverytimeGuren came home to his apartment, he always foundFerid in the kitchen, wearing his red apron, his hair tied in a lovely bun cooking for him. The smell of thick powder of flour wafting in the air in ribbons; the scent of broil and soup and beef would tickle his nose. He would feel blessed, that even if he was a brooding, lazy jerk sometimes, he still had something like this waiting for him when he came home.
Sometimes when he was not busy, he would ask Ferid if he could come to Ferid’s apartment to share a cup of coffee and just talk about random things. Even if he had the keys to Ferid’s apartment, Guren’s visits were always at an appointed time. This was also one of the things that he was conscious about. He felt insecure just thinking about himself being just an extra in Ferid’s life. He didn’t really know what he is to Ferid. Were they just people who wanted to fill each other’s loneliness? Were they just two people trying to figure out the attraction that they mutually felt towards each other andtry tofigure out whether or not what they hadwas the thing people write poems about? Guren didn’t know. He never thought of anything as deep as this before.
On top of that, they still haven’t had sex. They still haven’t kissed nor touched beyond holding each other’s hands.
Guren found it hilarious that such a thing could really happen. He was not one who would hold back when lust overcame him. But whenever he is with Ferid; whenever he looks at him being his innocent, joyful self with no motivation of wanting to have sex. No matter how he wanted to touch him, he could never try.Whenever it was like that, he was embarrassed at himself. He would crinkle his nose, rub it, and breathe out just to fend off the feeling of wanting to touch him. He knew too, that he wasn’t really a good partner, a good boyfriend for that matter.
Sometimes, he forgot that what they both had didn’t really have any labels. He really couldn’t say that they were lovers. For how can two people who meet each other and not have sex be lovers? They can be regarded as friends, but it did not necessarily encapsulate the entirety of their relationship. They had romantic feelings for each other so they can’t be friends. Then what were they?
His mind was always filled with thoughts of Ferid, their relationships and how much he didn’t want this all to ever end. Because he liked being with him; even if sometimes Ferid was a jerk; even if sometimes he would point out Guren’s flaws without mincing his words; even if he would do things that would sometimes piss Guren off because of anticipating things too much, because of planning things too much. Ferid thinks too much, really.
But this is the reason why they work well with each other. Ferid completes him; fill in his gaps. He too, completes Ferid, fills in the void in Ferid’s soul that the other had always been trying to satisfy but could not.
---
 Feridcame to his apartment. He brought his wine and cooked for Guren.Ferid was a good cook. And for that Guren was a very lucky man.
Across from him, Feridsmiled coquettishly and asked him about his day. It was the usual round of conversation that they usually shared. He talked about what he had done at work like some sort of daily report to Ferid. Ferid always listened to them with all ears, commenting from time to time whenever Gurenstarted complaining about his work. He told Ferid the murders had completely stopped. It was weird, but they still had to be high on alert. Ferid looked at him with curious eyes. He narrowed them with purpose and drank his wine in one full swig.
Ferid checked the time and excused himself. He was saying that he needed to go. Guren frowned. He followed Ferid with his eyes and then stood up to follow him to the door. When Feridtook his jacket on the clothes rack, Guren grabbed his arm to stop him from going.
Guren raised his eyes seemingly trying to figure out about the state of the weather. He let go, leaned on the wall and crossed his arms over his chest. Putting on his weight on his left foot.
“It’s probably snowing hard outside. Just stay for the night.”
“Worried about me? Oh, that’s so sweet of you darling Guren~” Ferid giggled, coy, and very much a tease. His lips curled in an amused grin.
Guren rolled his eyes. He wanted Ferid to stay. The room just somehow feels lonelier whenever he was gone.
“Oh~ If you want me to stay, you better tell me a good reason why I should take you up on your offer. hmmm,” Ferid thought purposely, “Think of something good and worth while that will appease me.”Ferid smiled--that smile of his that was bordering on annoying.
Guren frowned and looked at Ferid. He pondered. When he came into a conclusion, without any hesitation, he put back Ferid’s overcoat on the clothes rack and then lifted him up, carrying him bridal style, taking Ferid by surprise.
“Guren!”
Ferid acted like a damsel in distress about to be ravished.
“Oh golly~ brute, kidnapper! Somebody help me.”
“You. You really overdramatic things like this don’t you?” Gurencomplained, feeling awkward.
“Dear, I’m just kidding~ please be a sport for once and humor me will you?”
“Haven’t I humored you enough?”
Ferid shook his head.
“No. Never. You never indulged me in my games. You always brood and crease your thick eyebrows and ponder about things, and curse your job to hell all the time~ so you really almost always just give me the cold shoulder whenever I try to crack my perfectly crafted jokes that I am quite sure would bless your ears.
“Ah~ And put me down please.”
“No.”
“But why?” Ferid whined. He swung his legs aggressively in an effort to break free from Guren’s clutch.
“You never stay the night. You never let me stay at your place too. If I let you go now, you’re going toreally leave.” Guren cleared his throat. The things that he was saying embarrassed him.
Ferid snuggled against his chest and acted like a cat by nuzzling his head against Guren’s shoulder.
“Ah~ what a brute you are. Then please take me to bed.”Ferid wrapped his arms around Guren’s neck and embraced him.
“I’m doing just that. No need to order me.”
---
 “Shall I prepare the bath for you?”
“Oh please do~ Thank you dear.” Ferid paused, and then grinned. He added, “Do you want to go in together? Guren-s-a-m-a?
Guren blushed. Whenever Ferid’s being like that, he couldn’t help but get turned on a bit. He threw a towel at Ferid. The towel landed on Ferid’s face, covering the other’s playful grin.
“Hey! That was rude.” Came a muffled complaint.
“Shut up and take a bath already!”
Ferid took away the towel away from his face.
“Guren, stingy!” Feridwhined. He pouted, turned on his heels and strutted into the bathroom.
Guren can’t believe how Ferid can be so insufferable sometimes. But he still loved this part of him.
---
 Both of them were done bathing. Ferid was drying his hair using a towel, while Guren was combing his hair. Guren was throwing furtive glances at him. Ferid was only wearing Guren’s large polo shirt with only boxers underneath. His long legs were exposed. They were creamy, pale, and with the perfect amount of muscle and bone. Ferid massaged his scalp sensually, as though Guren was looking at a shampoo advertisement that wasn’t proper to be an advertisement because it showcased something that could arouse.Cocking his head to the side, and exposing his pale neck, Guren felt hot and bothered just looking at him.
Ferid didn’t seem to notice this, or so Guren thought. He had no idea, that Ferid knew what he was thinking; he didn’t know that Ferid was actually burning with embarrassment—embrassment and amusement really. Ferid had always liked the attention he was getting from Guren. He always liked the fact that Guren found him irresistible. And as such, he had always put on a show for him; teased him; lured him.
When he finished drying his hair, he walked past Guren and went to the bathroom to hang the towel. Guren followed him with his gaze. He couldn’t get his eyes off Ferid’s hips, and the plump of his ass that he could see through the white cloth of his shirt.
Ferid came back grinning at him; his eyes mere chinks, as if he was hiding something that he would like Guren to force out of him.
“Ne, where am I going to sleep?”
“Here.” Guren pointed on the bed and then added with a sneer, “On the bed with me, of course.”
Ferid’s facial muscles went taut. Hestared at Guren pensively. He thought he heard it wrong.
“Kindly say that again.”Ferid smiled that ominous smile of his.
“You’re sleeping in bed with me.”
“Ah~ Guren, dear, do you really want to sleep with me that much? I’m shocked and horrified.”Ferid embraced himself dramatically as though afraid that his chastity would be taken away.
“Quit it. I’m not going to force you to do anything.” Guren patted the back of his head. “I just want to sleep beside you.”
Ferid was surprised at Guren’s words.
“Aah~” Ferid hummed. “I like the sound of it. I’ll sleep beside you then.”
Ferid was nervous of course. He had been nervous from the very beginning, ever since he sensed that Guren might want to make him stay the night. He couldn’t entirely understand his feelings. He was happy but at the same time there was a sense of foreboding that he was feeling. There was fear. He was afraid of being too deep in this.
He tells himself he should try.
Ferid sat beside Guren. He fiddled with his fingers and waited for Guren to say something. Guren stood up, turned off the lights, and turned on the night shade. The sallow light illuminated the room.Ferid followed Guren and slipped into the covers after him. They just lay there beside each other staring at the ceiling without speaking.
Ferid closed his eyes, he listened to the sound of Guren’s heartbeat. It was such a calming sound. He flared his noise and inhaled the smell of soap and powder that wafted in the air—Guren’s smell.
He too smelled of Guren now. He was covered in Guren’s scent, and he felt comfortable.
Guren turned to Ferid, looking at him as he lay there beside him. He turned to his side just to gaze at him more. Even after how many times he looked at Ferid, he still found him beautiful. It was not the usual way he found girls beautiful. Ferid was beautiful because of the elegance in his features, the softness of the lines that make him up, and how it is mixed with angles and ridges, and curves and lines. Furthermore, he was beautifulbecause hewas a mix of calmness and chaos; of light spring rain and downpour; of innocence and sensuality. And he compliments the rage that was in Guren.
“Ferid,”Guren whispered. He wanted to touch him just a bit. He wanted to feel his body against his.
“Yes?”
Guren shifted his gaze. He was hesitating to ask Ferid about what he wanted to do. But he must.
“May I embrace you?” It was hard for Guren to be polite. He was never polite. As a consequence, he was blushing really hard.
Ferid opened his eyes and turned on his side to look at Guren. He was surprised at the gentleness in Guren’s voice. This wassomething new toFerid’s ears. Ferid blinked as he gazed atGuren. A faint smiled painted over his mouth as he scooted closer to Guren. He leaned in and bumped their foreheads together.
“Of course, please embrace me. I’m always cold right? Warm me up.”
Guren tugged Ferid and embraced him, letting him rest on his chest. He ran his hand through Ferid’s hair and kissed the other’s temple.
“We are dating.”
“We are, aren’t we? It looks like we are. Even if I didn’t say anything to that effect.”
“Could we? Can I be with you?
“Of course~ I’d be with you too. This isn’t something that is vague right? This is already a matter of fact. I am yours and you are mine.”
“Ah.May I kiss you?”
Ferid raised his head and gazed into Guren’s violet eyes.
“You want to?”
“I’ve always been wanting to kiss you, you know. For awhile now.”
Ferid smiled. He shuffled on the bed, giggling, being playful. He proppedhimself upon the bed using his elbow as support. He just stared at Guren. Looking at Guren’s handsome face, he reached out to touch him. He really loved Guren’s purple eyes; his unruly hair that was sometimes distracting when he didn’t comb it; his thick eyebrows and his sharp eyes that always looked judgmental.
Feridwas still nervous. His hands were stiff, and if he had the capacity to fluster, he knew that this is the time for him to blush like a tomato. He pressed his fingertips together. It was one thing to pretend these things didn’t bother him, and one thing to hide what he was truly feeling. He had to act like how he usually does, like the usual Ferid, so playfully he hums,
“You may my dear~”
Ferid closed his eyes.
Gurenroused himself to kissFerid on the mouth. Ferid opened his eyes prematurely. As a consequence, he saw Guren’sface come closer. He saw how Guren’s closed his eyes shut as he was about to kiss him, and that made him feel something clench inside of him. His ears perked up. He heard Guren’s heartbeat, loud and frantic, and it was making him dizzy. When he finally felt Guren’s soft lips on his, he fought the urge to cry.
This was their first kiss.
It was tender and sweet; the complete opposite of anything that was Guren. Gurenwas brash, reticent, and almost unattached sometimes. But that kiss told Ferid another thing: it told him that this time around, Guren belonged to him.
Guren withdrew, flustered. He couldn’t look Ferid straight in the eyes.
“What’s wrong?”
“I can’t believe your lips would taste that good. Crap, I’m.. I think I’m..”
Feridleaned in this time, and kissed him. He withdrew, then smiled mischievously at Guren who was flustered and already breathing heavily. Bedroom eyes roamed on Guren’s curled mouth. Ferid was getting into the mood himself.
“Kiss me again.” Ferid purred.
Guren smiled wryly. He tucked a lock of hair behind Ferid’s ear, held his face in place and then leaned in to kiss him again.
Guren kissed him softly. Then, his mouth started moving, sucking on Ferid’s mouth. In increments, the passion in his kisses got more intense. He tilted his head, tightening his hold on Ferid and breathing on Ferid’s mouth as he lifted his lips after planting lingering kisses on the soft skin.
Ferid couldn’t help but moan. He opened his mouth slightly, and at that moment, Gurenpushed his tongue inside. Guren’s mouth tasted sweet. His breath of mint toothpaste made Ferid unable to resist him.At the outset Ferid was passive. But as Guren challenged his tongue, he found himself kissing him back with the same intensity. Hands idly lying on the mattress were now clenched on the sheets. Hands that were clenched now roamedGuren’sarm and waist. Clasped fingers tightened, and before Ferid knew it, he was already pulling him close, tilting his head and moaning inside Guren’s mouth. Sucking on Guren’s tongue, nibbling those cracked lips of his, Ferid was tempted to see blood. He opened his mouth for a more intense kiss, burying his fingers under layers of Guren’s thick hair, gripping and then pulling them.
Kissing Guren made Ferid feel like wax melting from being exposed to fire. He was melting, and he could no longer think straight nor judge the situation he was in using a rational mind. He just wanted to cling to Gurenlike that, to grab him, yank him towards him and just kiss him with abandon; kiss him with a kiss that he had been holding back for years; for lifetimes.
Guren’s hand travelled downFerid’s bottom.  He groped his ass, making Ferid jolt at the sensation he was feeling. He panted, “Guren, ah~”
Guren continued to fondle him. He kissed Ferid’s cheek, and planted wet kisses down on theother’s neck. He bit  Ferid’s shoulder and moaned, “Crap, I can’t hold back.
“Guren~”
“Tell me to stop and I’ll stop.”
“Don’t stop. Ah~ I want you, ” Ferid panted.
Guren undressed Ferid; it was like an unwrapping of a gift. He teased his parts and licked him. Ferid on the other hand was busy undressing him too. He moaned against Guren’s skin. He licked his flesh and was holding the urge to bite. He licked the mark on Guren’s shoulder and planted wet kisses on it.
Guren couldn’t help but harden to his full length at the way Ferid licked him. His mouth circling against his skin, sucking, made him insane. He couldn’t help but imagine his mouth encircle his member. Ferid was breathing hard. He was fighting the urge to suck Guren’s blood. He swore to himself that he wouldn’t, but he was just too delicious. He was just too tempting.
Finally succumbing to his urge, Ferid bit Guren on the neck and sucked.
“Ferid, what are you…”
The sensation of being bled was unlike anything Guren had experienced. He felt weak. He clung to Ferid with desperation. Lust overwhelmed him. Ferid licked the wound that he had left Guren and then pushed Guren on the bed. At the corner of his mouth, blood trailed down. Ferid looked like a murderer. But rather than fear, Guren felt something else; it was submission.
Feridjust stared at him. He didn’t say anything. He just stood up. Guren knew what he was thinking.  He was going to runaway from him. And so, with every ounce of energy he had left in his body,Gurengrabbed him. He wrapped his arms around Ferid’s waist and embraced him.
“Don’t go.”
Ferid with his glassy eyes just stared down at him. Guren knew that whenever he was like this, whenever his joyful face turned stern and grave, he was being difficult on himself.
“But I hurt you..”Ferid’s voice faltered.
Guren tightened his embrace on Ferid.
“It surprised me a little bit, but… it won’t make me scared of you.”
Ferid turned around. He cupped Guren’s face and looked at him with adoration in his eyes. Then he embraced him. They rolled in bed: Ferid snuggled close to Guren and allowed himself to be pet.
That night, Ferid watched Guren sleep, afraid that when the sun comes up, Guren would change his mind, about everything.
---
 The rays of the sun filtered inside the bedroom, dappling both Ferid and Guren’s figures. It was Saturday morning. Guren was still fast asleep in bed.Ferid went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast and to make coffee for both of them. When he was done making coffee and cooking a pair of pancakes for Guren, Ferid sat on the table and drank his coffee peacefully.
Guren’s apartment felt like it was a place made just for them. It felt like home. Well, anywhere where Guren was was home. Ferid remembered something. He went to get his bag. When he returned he was holding a cream paper, ragged on the edges and had blots of brown spots on its surface because of age. The musty smell wafting from its sheet still had the same calming effect on him. It brought him back to the very first time he and Guren met in this lifetime.
---
 “What’s wrong mister? Why do you look sad?”
“Oh no dear. I’m not.”
“Is there something on my shoulder? Are you sick? You’re so cold, you sting.”
“Araa~ Guren-kun..”Guren grabbed Ferid’s hand, surprising the latter.
“Child~ you shouldn’t talk to strangers. I might be a bad person you know.”
“I thought of that. But no bad person would tell me something like what you just told me.” Guren glanced around,
“And.. this place scares me more mister.”
At this, Guren clutched his bag and burrowed his chin on top of his bag, letting Ferid’s hand go. He pouted.
“Ahahah~ aren’t you the cutest thing? You are embarrassed!”
“No I’m not!”
“Oh yes you are~”
“Am not.”
“Oh well, whatever suits you.” Ferid shrugged.
They fell silent. Ferid’s soft laughter turned into the eerie rustle of the leaves, to swirling foliage and to the tap tap tap of Guren’s calf against the old bench.
Guren started humming row your boat again. When idea came to him, he stopped humming and took something out of his bag.
Ferid turned to him, curious at what the child was up to.
“Here! You can have this mister, this will cheer you up.”
Ferid looked closely at the card little Guren offered him. He squinted his eyes and leaned in a bit, slowly closing in. His hair fell softly as he leaned, so he tucked a lock behind his ear. He smiled bit, making the child blush.
“Uwaaa~ I’m honored. Isn’t this sweet of you to give this precious little thing to a stranger like me?”
“Not really.” Guren averted his eyes.
“Our teacher said to write a love letter toa person we’ll love in the near future. You are beautiful mister. And I want to marrya beautiful person someday.”
Ferid took the card, breathe in its scent. It had the scent of innocence and purity of a child; of sunbeams and daisies; of happiness.
He decided that whenever he missed Guren he could always read the letter.
----
 Ferid started reading. He was greeted by Guren’s childish scribble,
Dear Person I am going to love in the future,
Wherever you are I know I will love you more then candy. When we grow up we will have our own house. I hope it is as big as my house. I hope I find you soon. I hope you like cats because I love them very much Shinya loves them and so does Mom.
Love,
Guren
 Ferid had read the letter a thousand times already, but it still never fails to make him smile.
“Hey! What are you doing grinning like that?”
Ferid raised his eyes and was surprised to see Guren walking towards him with horrible bed hair. He sat on the letter to hide it from Guren.
“Nothing dear~ I’m just thinking of how brilliant you were last night. Mmmmm~ ”
Guren scratched the back of his head. Ferid noticed that there was something that was bothering him. His gaze shifted to the puncture wound on Guren’s shoulder and frowned.
“I’ve always thought you were mysterious Ferid. But I didn’t.. know you were…”
Ferid was already prepared for whatever Gurenwould say.
“A Vampire?Nosferatu? Vampyr? Ah~ What other names have you associated creatures like me? Pray tell.”
“But you can have sex..”
Ferid chortled a chuckle.
“Oh~ about that… We didn’t have sex though?”
“Oh right. I totally forgot.”Guren rolled his eyes.
He sauntered towards Ferid and kissed his crown.
“Still mine.”
Ferid’s eyes widened. He didn’t know what to feel. But to assure Guren nothing was bothering him, he tried to be his joyful self.
“Yes still yours dear~ I’ve prepared your breakfast. Eat first and then we’ll go out and have fun.”
“Nah, can we just lay in bed again?”Guren leaned down kissed him on the neck. Ferid grabbed him by the arm as a consequence.
“That tickles! You’re going to jump me again aren’t you?”
Guren withdrew, flustered. Noticing Guren’s embarrassment, Ferid added,
“But I wouldn’t mind it dear~ so rest assured.”
Guren pouted. His eyebrows formed a crease. He stood up. He was now blushing really hard. It puzzled Ferid why he was being like that. He was always composed when it came to his feelings.
“I love you.”Guren said, almost in a whisper.
Ferid’s eyes widened. He almost blushed. He felt awkward hearing Guren’s confession. He had told him something of that kind before on their first date, but hearing him say it now, with his face red and clearly embarrassed, he couldn’t help but feel embarrassed himself.And seeing Guren act unlike himself; seeing him reduced to this blushing fool,Ferid felt odd. He shifted his eyes from left to right and was overcome by a mix of happiness and awkwardness.
“Your reply?”
Ferid felt cornered.
“I need to hear it Ferid. Or I’ll die.”
Guren might have been acting weird, but his pushy character was still intact.
Ferid stood up. He took Guren’s hand and stared intently into his eyes. Guren was frowning. He looked angry. Ferid smiled sweetly, genuinely at him. He cupped Guren’s face and kissed him on the forehead, then on the eyelids, on the tip of his nose, and lastly on the mouth. Ferid withdrew and stared into Guren’s violet eyes. He embraced Guren, feeling all of him; cradling all of him.
“I love you dear.”
I have been loving you all this time.
----
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storiesfromamess · 5 years
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Some really great things I read in 2018
Call Me By Your Name by Andre Aciman
I probably enjoyed this so much because I read it whilst I was ‘in love’ with a boy I was actually going out with. I could relate to Elio’s bemused commentary on the inexplicable bewilderment of being in love instead of feeling envious like I usually do when I read these sorts of novels. This book really was sublime though. What could be more fantastic than an erotic gay coming-of-age love story set in 1980s Italy? Well, I believe the answer is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I am an absolute sucker for books that explore the wondrous mania that is adolescence, and this novel did so PERFECTLY.
L’Etranger (The Outsider) by Albert Camus
In 2018, I began to explore edgy philosophy, mostly as a coping mechanism to remedy the perpetual alienation I felt in terms of everyone else at school. I read this book because my Dad said it changed his life (isn’t that just the most pretentious thing you’ve ever heard?). Well, once I’d finished it, despite the fact that I felt no monumental alteration in terms of my outlook on life, I had certainly been enlightened. Mersault’s an outsider because he chooses not to bullshit, he’s the very antithesis of what Holden Caulfield would call a phoney and his narration is captivating. This book is a fabulous encapsulation of the inexplicably attractive existentialist aesthetic and will definitely help you sound wondrously intellectual if the topic of philosophy is brought up in conversation. 
Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh
Okay, fine, so I fell in love with the film first but the book was equally, if not more, exquisite. Irvine Welsh crafts an eclectic story surrounding the lives of a group of Scottish junkies making Mark Renton the problematic yet inexplicably lovable anti-hero who chooses not to choose life. What a fascinating philosophy! I mean, really, the overwhelming prevalence of heroin addiction in the novel allows Welsh to analyse the absurdity of life itself and how us bewildered humans may choose to cope with that. Do we allow ourselves to be swept away by the cruel capitalist society in which we live (‘choose mortgage payments; choose cars; choose sitting on a couch and watching mind-numbing and spirit-crushing game shows’) or do we choose not to choose life? Ultimately, THIS BOOK IS FABULOUS.
The Well of Loneliness by Radclyffe Hall
Radclyffe Hall was not a good person. She was a fascist, an anti-semite and a serial adulterer but in ‘The Well of Loneliness’, she did something pretty remarkable. I believe this was the first novel ever to explore lesbianism explicitly, having been published in 1928 to a tidal wave of public outrage. Hall accounts her fictionalised experience as a ‘sexual invert’ in early 20th century Britain, her intentions perfectly summarised by the novel’s final line ‘Acknowledge us, O God, before the whole world. Give us the right to our existence!’ Hall humanises the ‘invert’, detailing their perpetual battle against an intolerant society. The reception to this novel in 1928 was practically humorous, labelled as a ‘danger to the nation’ and ‘moral poison’, swiftly banned by the British courts. Well, this novel was not only a radical transgression against 1920s society, but it is also an incredibly raw tale of love and, really, what could be better than tales of scandalous affairs of undercover aristocratic lesbians in the 20s? 
Rubyfruit Jungle by Rita Mae Brown
Similarly to ‘The Well of Loneliness’, ‘Rubyfruit Jungle’ is undoubtedly a seminal lesbian novel. However, its main differential factor from the former is its overwhelming ‘vulgarity’ (which I am most definitely not complaining about). This novel primarily accounts the sexual exploits of Molly Bolt, the novel’s vivacious and sexually liberated lesbian protagonist as she navigates her way through mid 20th century American society. It is fantastic for indulging your unruly homosexual desires but also serves as a radical social commentary on a variety of issues. Despite being significantly more liberated than Stephen (Radclyffe Hall’s protagonist), Molly Bolt’s narration provides a continuation for the ongoing gay narrative, expressing the perpetual plight of the LGBT community against an intolerant society. On a personal level, however, this book is a complex insight into the mind of a girl and celebrates the beauty of the fluidity of female sexuality. 
Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle-Stop Cafe by Fannie Flagg
And so continues my avid affection for lesbian literature. Fun fact, Fannie Flagg and Rita Mae Brown were in fact lovers for a brief period, how exciting! This novel is certainly wholesome in comparison to the erotic exploits of ‘Rubyfruit Jungle’, but is nevertheless beautiful and precious. It intertwines two contrasting narratives: one of Evelyn Couch, a 1980s timid housewife and her friendship with Ninny Threadgoode, an old woman who recounts her youth in 1920s Alabama, primarily focussing on the sublime ‘friendship’ of her sister-in-law Idgie and Ruth. If you need a little feminist empowerment, this book is PERFECT: each female protagonist must find the courage to stand up to the oppressive forces of various men in their lives. Overall, this book is beautiful: an exquisite celebration of female friendships and empowerment with some vague lesbianism sprinkled on top!
The Essential Dykes to Watch Out For by Alison Bechdel
Yep, by the end of 2018 it was my goal to immerse myself in as much lesbian culture as was humanly possible, naturally ‘The Essential Dykes to Watch Out For’ was a perfect way to continue my odyssey. Unlike the rest of the texts I have listed, this is in fact not a novel but a collection of comic strips written over twenty years (1987- 2007) by the lesbian goddess that is Alison Bechdel. I firmly believe, however, that the prevalence of pictures in this work in no way diminishes its literary merit. ‘Essential Dykes’ documents the lives of a group of lesbians: exploring their quotidian struggles to get their lives in order and it is FABULOUS. I immediately fell ardently in love with all the characters and found it a huge challenge to put the book down once I started it. Not only is it the strip painfully relatable, but it also uses a continuous political backdrop to provide a social commentary on American society throughout the late 20th/ early 21st century. Overall, I’d recommend this to anyone regardless of sexuality: it is simply delightful!
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