#i hate doing things for the sake of academics. says me w my grades lmfao but despite how well i manage i really do hate the school system

[noxtivagus]

SHADOWBRINGERS.... listening to the song again n oh god i love the lyrics so so much we r ignoring the fact that i have to wake up in like less than 4 hours

#🌙.vent #i just have 1 assignment due tmrrw n i don't want to do it :') like yeah i'm definitely still going to but. it's a letter to ourselves.... #i write a lot to myself that is very much evident but it's so hard to actually organize it. & fuck too bcs it's due 10 pm later today #i hate doing things for the sake of academics. says me w my grades lmfao but despite how well i manage i really do hate the school system #i wanted to ramble abt ffxiv oh no i get so distracted when i start writing. but. god my mind rn i don't understand #🥹 this stupid mental block ???? w the break nearly ending there's sm more i have to do but i need to sleep . but not having this started is #messing me up sm rn. i want to put a lot of effort into it but i'm at a loss for words. i wrote some ideas days back but i've changed a bit #this moment ideally right now where i'm in a better mood than i have been for the past few days but not as brain empty #a balance of fiction and reality. enough to keep me not sad but enough to keep me stressed? #i would like to get it started now. i know i want to. but i can't. i just can't seem to. it's not lack of motivation right now. it's. #....maybe a fear? a fear that gives me some sort of mental block. because i really really want to at least start writing something but #i can't start. & goddamn this is not what i meant to write about i wanted to write of shadowbringers & maybe a little of today #but i guess this just has been. bothering me for a while. buried somewhere in my mind #i've been this age for like. more than a week now huh. it's daunting it's scary but i've always loved & sought the thrill of challenges. bu #alright i wasn't able to read anything i wanted to. nor did i watch as much as i would've liked. & i didn't really bond with my friends #save for texts here n then. talking in ffxiv w that one too. & that very one call on bday yh. & tumblr too ofc c: but i didn't do the schoo #stuff i wanted to do this break. but my rank in pjsekai's lowering. nor playing arknights/nier again yet. & fixing my sleep. but.... #i didn't wake up any later than 4 pm. i went out for a walk earlier with apollo. i wrote asks to a friend here on tumblr. new books. #new game. plans to make an fc in ffxiv. i ate what i could. i got up even when it hurt. i'm playing gbf again. i'm rlly happy abt that #perhaps it's not enough for me. i can't get rid of my heavy regrets so easily. but acknowledging what i have done that was good enough #trying my best to be kind to myself in this moment even though i feel like crying. acknowledging my pain. maybe. maybe that's #i'm listening to ashes of dreams rn fuck i'm actually going to cry i think bulbel is next in my queue i #it hurts yes n i feel like crying right now but there's. this ache in my chest that replaced the cold emptiness earlier #maybe that's not a good thing uhh but the warmth. that warmth. i'm alive i'm real n there's a tomorrow n that's enough hope #it has to be. it fucking has to be. just. little steps. guide my own self slowly n softly like i do for others. i deserve that too. #i'll give it to myself. surely i must owe myself at least that much. being human comes with its many burdens but i don't need to be #so harsh to myself right? ironic saying that right now while i know there's something so dear to me i'm denying right now #it's like i'm a wilting flower fighting against time to stay alive. but the petals slowly decay n it gets colder the longer the dark night #would an outside light help the blossom find its own light? or would it make it disappear. i wonder #did the flower grow to be meant to be undeserving of such kindness? or are there thorns on its petals that serve as an unbeknownst barrier?