#i have zero motivation to write anything or draw or paint or even create music outside of rehearsal

[scattered-winter]

damn the loneliness really do be hitting huh

#my social life is reduced to choir rehearsal and class <3333 #i have zero motivation to write anything or draw or paint or even create music outside of rehearsal #and i can feel myself spiraling because its been so fucking long since ive talked to someone #like. REALLY talked to them. #had a legitimate conversation between two people who love+trust each other #i have a friend from home living nearby but we only say hey when we bump into each other once a month #she has a boyfriend now and i didnt even know until the 3rd time i met the guy #and idk. we were never overly close especially after i realized i was queer because we grew up in the same church #and she 'ranted' to us about this time someone came out to her and she didnt take it well #and so i haven't come out to her and i probably never will because im ngl im too afraid to #because if i lose her i'll lose all my friends from home #but ig ive already lost them so it probably doesnt matter anyway #and she's never been very interested in keeping up with me especially after she entered the dating world but idk it still hurts like hell #abandonment issues?!? me?!?!? hahahahahahaha #i just. hh #its so fucking hard for me to talk to people and make friends. i get overwhelmed and i cant say what im thinking #and i cant tell if im being overbearing and creepy or not. #and all my siblings and friends have it so easy. they make friends as easily as breathing but. #they dont have their own fucking brain working against them. i do. #im literally wired differently. i cannot just connect with people like that. i never have been able to. #and im just. more lonely than i care to admit out loud. #hhh. i need to go to bed #winter go the fuck to sleep challenge