#i just think the way scully is SO open to mulder pursuing her in s5 is... a lot

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

Random X-files things I’ve been meaning to send you and keep forgetting:

1. The way they say each other’s names so much. As a fanfic writer I watch for the tricks of speech that identify a character. And Mulder and Scully, more than any other characters I’ve noticed, call each other by name. All. The. Time. They use their names to get each other’s attention, they start casual sentences with the other’s name, etc. Even when they’re alone, when there’s nobody else they could possibly be talking to, they do it. And I love that about them.

2. The way Mulder is not a part of Scully’s family. He’s fine interacting with them, but whenever it’s a “family moment” he is apart. Even when invited by her mother (post-abduction), he declines. After her cancer goes into remission, he’s sitting alone in the hall because it’s a family moment (though he sends Skinner in). It’s like he feels unworthy or out of place or he doesn’t have the right or something.

And then the one time—the one time it should be a family moment and he offers to stay because there’s no one else (when Emily’s in a coma)—Scully asks to be alone.

He’s still not quite part of the family, but this time it’s not him excluding himself, it’s her. (Although I don’t believe the thought ever crossed her mind—she just really needed the solitude.) But it’s the only time he’s offered to stay for a family-type moment, and that hurts.

so i typed out a whole massive response to this and then accidentally hit discard and then went and screamed about that for a hot second lol RIP the actually well-written reply I was gonna give you 😂

1. dheknd dude I cannot explain that phenomenon but they say each other's names SO MUCH it's kinda insane; like with anyone else it would seem odd but for them it feels right, it's their thing, it's and indicator of how important they are to each other and how much they care — i think sometimes they use each other's names to ground themselves or each other, or as a comfort, or just... to show affection. and they do it right from the beginning, as soon as they meet!!! they just like saying each other's name so much!!!

2. oh man that scene in Emily... ughhhh it hurts so much, especially after the course of the episodes preceding that scene, where Mulder really does in a lot of ways (as someone else once pointed out) take on a lot of the role a husband would in trying to support Scully and protect her and her little girl. and like, after the doctor thinking they're the parents and the absolute agony in their eyes at not being able to say yes... it just hits so hard.

(I believe it was @kittenscully who said that if Emily had lived Mulder would have dropped EVERYTHING to be whatever she and Scully needed — he'd have gone full dad mode, he would have asked Scully to marry him. I'm in FULL agreement with that opinion tbh, he'd have given up anything to be in that little girl's life and to be there for Scully and to be *with* Scully. and honestly, they deserved that.)

they WANT that, so much — they want to be something more, to be able to say "yes, we're the parents," but they can't, and that's part of the tension of s5 as a whole. they're basically more in love than ever, and mostly more ready to be in a relationship than ever — Scully is so open to him making a move more than maybe ever (other than Home, bc if he'd made a move then and there i feel like she would have been onboard — I have a Thought about this that involves Wetwired, actually, if you want to send me another ask about it!) but there's so much happening, Mulder is having a crisis of faith and blaming himself for every bad thing that's happened to her, and he thinks himself so unworthy that he WON'T try and pursue her.

so, he stays on the outside of hospital rooms and chapel sanctuaries and he leaves her alone when she asks bc he has no claim on her, no matter how much they both wish he did. he is not a part of her family as much as they both want him to be, as much as Maggie may have said "anybody gonna parent this sad scruffy lost puppy" and didn't wait for an answer, as much as Melissa may have taken one look at him and decided he was brother in law material. it's both the fact that they're not, technically, anything more than coworkers and best friends, and that, especially in Redux II and Christmas Carol/Emily because of his faith crisis caused by the revelations about Scully's cancer (and his own blame on himself), Mulder thinks himself unworthy of being a part of that, of being with her in those moments like the happiness at the end of Redux II, even though no one else — least of all Scully — does.

#this was originally much longer but alas #i accidentally deleted the original draft :( #i just think the way scully is SO open to mulder pursuing her in s5 is... a lot #she's so ready!! they love each other so much!! they have another chance now!! so much has changed!! it's a new chance!! #like you can see it in detour and postmodern prometheus and even the quiet hopeful way she looks at him #when the doctor asks ''are you the parents'' #she wants to be able to say yes!! she wants to be able to lie and say yes bc she wants it to be true!! #and the way he looks away and is so pained belies his own self-loathing #he thinks he's not worthy to be anything to that precious little girl #he believes that all he brings is pain #and he fights so hard for emily and scully and he tries so hard to be what she needs! #but he feels to blame for all the pain and you can see how much he hates what he believes he's caused #what's that poem that's like ''you don't have to walk on your knees for 100 miles in the wilderness'' or smth of that sort? #bc that's EXACTLY IT #MARY OLIVER it's a mary oliver poem #''you do not have to be good you do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting to be good #you only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. tell me about despair- yours- and i will tell you mine'' #Lu rambles #asks #txf #mellia i feel like you should have your own tag #the x files #msr #fox mulder #dana scully #mulder and scully #mulder x scully #txf meta #meta finding tag