#i just wish i cld've

[noxtivagus]

Final. Fantasy.

#🌙.rambles #oh no. i accidentally ended up rambling so much on my priv twt bcs of drk. again 😭😭 #i think that's uhm enough for tonight though bcs i shld srs sleep soon (will definitely not but Still) #looking at old notes i have other ff quotes here n. vivi. sob. i rlly. rlly. want to replay ffix soon #this is embarrassing reading these n i srs see how much ff has influenced me. it's actually. really really embarrassing #my attention span help #ffxiv eden's promise. specifically promises to keep oh my god it's so. perfect. it's. heaven. to my ears. #i miss raiding T_T #NOOOOO SORRY MY ATTENTION SPAN JUST CHECKED MY SWITCH RQ #my aunt indeed has chrono cross the radical dreamers edition & girl oh my god that 225 hours on octopath #i. am just listening to music rn i cannot write i'll just do more later yeah FR THIS TIME #fr though just. i miss raiding so much. i rmb me n apollo being so woah bcs like. our static back on twintania had ppl from over europe ofc #from uk to france to germany. n some had turkish blood too iirc. damn i still rmb the accents oh my god. #apollo n i were like around 14 when we were raiding. which is pretty impressive oh my god we cleared the whole of eden's promise #i rmb how they'd ask how school was 🥺 n our fc/static lead was so kind i rmb how he'd check up on us too #I STILL RMB LIKE. smth like 'you two have been sick a lot lately' & 'you good? :c' or smth. #n then awww the way they'd say gn bcs we used to raid till 12 am n apollo n i had school yeah #i'm. really happy w my improvement. from sprout drk me i was so anxious to tank n now look i've cleared uwu <3 #i miss the old twintania static. honestly i still wish that. i cld've unmuted even once yk? but. anxiety. #my social anxiety was really so bad back in 2021 but i guess i had to manage yk. ffxiv rlly helped a lot goddamn #i miss those days a lot. but i'll cry if i think more on that n of other stuff too so i'll just sleep soon #i. genuinely do know that i ramble too much but. actually nvm i'll ramble even more if i say that #i'll just. leave this at here. i'm really going to organize myself this week #sigh i wanted to do. more before i slept. like work on smth rq or. idk. but nah. anxiety. i'm tired. nah. gn #my playlists r a mess my notes r a mess heck even my room is a mess n i look like a mess n my mind is. even more of a mess #but being self-deprecating isn't.. really me but. oh no if i go on i'll ramble to myself abt my dilemmas again fuck this i need to shut up #rn at least i just need my mind to shut up. n oh in the end i guess tonight i won't rlly be able to do anything again but #nooo fuck it i'll just end it at that. so much to do.. so much to think about. but. nah sorry tonight i think i'm too tired. sorry #tbd

[xxbl00ds0akeds3raxx]

Hang in there girl, don't let him get to you. You're way stronger than you give yourself credit for, and you have always, always deserved much better than what life handed you... He isn't worth it. He will never see you as the full person you are. He wants you to be a perfect doll, and that is not a role you can ever pigeonhole yourself into, with all your strengths and flaws... you're a wonderful, kind, opinionated and strong person. Don't let him break you

-Camille M.

tysm camilee <3 sorry 4 not replying sooner i wasan't sure what to say;;

i am hanging in there!!! ^^ life is crazy lolz. i hate it. m so tired. i literally wish i didn't exist i think things wld be so much better im so sick of stressing every1 out w stupid decisions i make :((((( like im not evn trying 2 be emo~~ woaawww edgelord dont cut urself on that edge X_X!!

its just ever since my conception my existence has just been. a bother,,. i ruined my mum's life n i cant stop thinking abt what it cld've been like if i just. hhhh. didn't. happen. :)

i wish i knew her.

i wish she wld reach out 2 me and contact me likeu do w ur daughter,,,

ifeel like shes the only 1 who wld undrstand what im worried abt rn. but maybe thats just delusional thinking bc. i nvr rlly knew her so,,, lol. who evn knows what she understands.

ur rlly too sweet to me!!1. "wonderful, kind, opinionated and strong" is so much,,,, im not stronger than i give myself credit 4 i know my limits very well. & kylar, imean if he wants a perfect doll he literally has 1 of me . fkn life sized perfect replica w my measurements shes so perfect & if h e wants me to be her so bad icant fucking do it xDD i'll never b herrrrrr 〒▽〒

thank u again. its rlly nice to hear from u and i appreciate everything u say evn if it feels wrong :(

#🩸 #camille m. #my mum #kylar #fifi answerz #((Kylar's Basement Arc))

[noxtivagus]

i'm thinking of hermes again gahhh HIS CHARACTER IS SO INTERESTING TO ME I LOVE HIM

#🌙.rambles #[ ffxiv. ] #despite my fondness for his character. i really don't agree w what he ultimately did #though i probably strongly relate if i was in his shoes i may be compelled to just. bring about the end of the world as well 💀 #he cld've found another way to. deal w his suffering? but.. it rlly must've been lonely tho i think. to be different in. such a society. #it's. interesting rlly. bcs the ppl of etheirys generally think death is beautiful. in a way #once they've fulfilled their duty sufficiently they go to die n they say it is beautiful #hermes though.. sees death everyday w the animals. sees how they r afraid of it. of how they want to live #etheirys is so flawed. no wonder hermes was that way n. he's undeniably flawed as a person too #hermes is. an emotional n sensitive character i think. good at heart. but #god that line in the first part of yk '...until what remained could be molded into a socially acceptable shape.' i think that says a lot #hermes is v special to me bcs. idk wtf i really realize i am drawn to characters that.. i think i cld. help in some way. want to help #sob imagine how interesting n fun it wld be to aid hermes in his research #i really don't know how to phrase it but much of hermes' character is bcs of the society of etheirys #i saw this on twt too n.. i really do like to believe that after that incident in ktisis. he eventually made his peace w their mortality #it just. makes me a bit sad how he threw all of that away to be a part of his society in a way #i wish he.. cld've held on a bit tighter to himself. i don't think his emotion or his sensitivity or empathy was ever weak #but i think. it hurt being alone. feeling different. being faced w such an inevitable end n.. yeah #i really think that if he weren't alone in his suffering then he'd be so much more diferent. #aaaa he's a v special character to me indeed :^) i wish he lived at least. to see where his answers led #sob i need closure still i wish his soul wld converse w the wol or smth. but. 'a question of life'.. his side story perhaps is enough #still. i rlly want to give him a long warm hug n all the love in the world 😔 #fandaniel in extension is also a rlly interesting character to me. with amon.. 'hermes wld weep at the man i have become' #or something like that. honestly hermes rlly is a good person at heart but.. yeah :^) #i really loved how endwalker even moreso than shb yk. challenged morality. blurred the lines even further #hermes' actions brought end to so much & caused so much suffering too BUT if he wasn't suffering himself then it wldn't have happened #to put it in one simple way at least. from my own perspective. his actions rn't justified still but they can be understood. i understand. #the way they.. treated the animals as lesser n how many of the amaurotines didn't care much for their lives. #hermes rlly is empathetic i think. &.. lonely? yeah. n arrogance was one of the downfalls of etheirys in a way. imho #yh there's a lot i cld say abt this but i think this is. good enough for now ><

[noxtivagus]

the short story i wrote back in gr 9 for english really matches the lyrics of ffxii's "kiss me good-bye"

#🌙.rambles #a beautiful nostalgic kind of pain #i wonder how much better would i write if #hmmm. my old notes hold the sentiment i cannot convey in words in the state i am in this moment #'i want to write; but how do you write of a feeling you have never experienced yourself?' #'of love and heartbreak you have never known?' #under writing ideas #i feel like i unlock a different person whenever i write #but wait #why did i write romance in that short story for school 💀 #it wasn't /exactly/ romance but it definitely had undertones. but who knows they cld've been star-crossed besties or something haha #still. embarrassing. though. T_T #these phrases i have under writing ideas are so lovely #'how scary it is to have the heart be so known; but there's nothing to fear when it's you. when i'm with you' #'but if i were to make one wish ( then i think what i want is you)' #'tell me / do i appear in your dreams as well?' #'when i looked into your eyes the world stopped for a while / the world stilled in that moment #and i would be lost in that moment forever.' #'when im with you / time just slows down...' #'writing ideas' from the past #those r the kinda happy ones #bcs i have #'instead of your hands / it's my own tears caressing my face' whatever the fuck that means #'please dont leave me too; tell me i mean something to you' #'even if this leads to the end of the world / i dont mind. #my dreams are filled with apocalypses / with you in the center of them.' #'how can i write happy stories if i have never had any of my own?' #these are all so exaggerated and dramatic but i like how they're written #these were from ages ago #i don't understand at all the things i manage to write but aight they sound pretty-ish so that ain't too bad