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rosefromc0ncret3 · 3 years

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i feel like its always too late when i realize how much ive desperately needing to put myself first. i feel like i tend to overexert or overgive when i knw im not in the best space to do so. and i just end up feeling more like shit. i knw i need to be more mindful of myself and my feelings when im experiencing this. i feel like too i give too much power to others when it comes to how i feel about myself. shocker. been listening to a lot of self love songs today since it is valentines day. answer: love myself, unpretty, etc.. been in and out of tears all day cuz i wish i could just see myself as worthy and beautiful. i wish i could just go thru each day without looking for validation from anyone else. and just know who i am and not feel weak about it. and not compare myself to others. i just want to live comfortably in my own skin. i dont want to be so caught up in other shit or the way people view me. or how i think they view me. i need to believe in myself. i need to believe in my own being. i need to believe that im worthy of the love i so desparately seek and want. i know i need to find that within myself first. i hope i find the answers to what it means to truly and honestly be there for myself and put myself first. and understand that i deserve to be happy. i am worthy of being happy. i deserve it. i need to believe that the universe isnt working against me and is instead on my side. i trust the universe and myself. i really, truly & genuinely hope that things only go up from here.

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tombombadilcankickyourass · 7 years

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SCREAMING INTO THE VOID--my thoughts on the last 8 months of my life as written in insomnia induced moments of mania....

1 MONTH (JANUARY)

Today marks a month, and im still not ok. I miss him. I love him and I wish I wasnt so set on marriage. If I could get over that, we could have been happy. Everybody keeps telling me to get over him, its been a month, you should be fine. but hes my best friend. He knows everything. He knows about my uncle beating me and my foster brother molesting me and my father being in prison and that I have a juvenile taste in books and movies, and that I get nightmares when im not with him. He knows more than anybody else in my life ever has. He knows the things that I would never tell my parents, or my sister. He knows everything. How am I supposed to just be friends with someone who knows everything? And how am I supposed to not be in love with him anymore? He has been the sun I orbit around for the last 3 years. I cant go back to seeing him on a regular basis. I dont want to talk to him and have to avoid saying certain things. I dont want to be talking to him and not be able to reach over and touch his face. I dont want to text him not not be able to send I love you. I cant handle it. I feel like im always on the verge of crying and I always feel like im about to have a panic attack. I dont know how im supposed to deal with it. I try to avoid thinking about him at all, but I cant even do that. I feel like I need a holiday. I need a few days in a hotel where I dont have anything to think about or worry about and just cry and figure out who I am without him. Its not fair. He can just go back home and hang out with his family and his friends. But I ave up my family for him. I knew that my family would freak out if I told them that I had sex with him. Or that I lived with him. Or that I dont believe in their God anymore because of him. But I gave up the security of my family for him, to be with him and he will never understand what I gave up. I gave up my beliefs, my body, my heart, and my comfort to be with him. I gave up everything. And now im alone with my cat, crying myself to sleep, on the few night s that I sleep at all. Im going to break soon and I dont know what that means for me when there isnt anybody to think of when I have the break down. I cant stand going to work everyday knowing that im going to come home to an empty bed again that night. I feel like running away and never coming back. I feel like hurting him. I feel like hurting myself. I feel like I want to scream and cry and I just dont know how to handle anything right now. I don think ive ever been depressed this bad in my entire life. I dont know what to do. Im drowning and I cant see the surface of the water anymore. I dont know what to do anymore.

3 MONTHS (MARCH)

Its been 3 months since you left. I still think about you and miss you. But I've come to terms. I think im becoming my own person. I realize how much I used you as a crutch. Im growing up. I'm embrasing myself. My geeky my cosplay my shows. Im not gonna take shit from anybody trhis time.Ive been through a lot of shit in my life. You know that. But I finally feel like ive come into my own. I go go to work every day, and hate every second but its my decision. I have a roommate. He keeps to himself. He seems nice. I dont worry about having him here. I've started dating again. I have a tinder. Ive been out with 3 people. I think that I might like one of them, but he's ignoring me. Im better then that tho. I know that im gonna find a guy who is head over heels for me and will do all the cheesy shit that I hate everyone else for. I have all of my posters up and I keep everytging pretty much clean. That was never something we were good at together. Im not in as dark of a place as I was 2 months ago. Im still depressed of course, that doesnt go away, but im not in that horrid black evil place where I just want to die any more. For the most part im happy. I spend too much time on my computer, and my phone waiting for texts that never come, but im also doing projects and just little things to keep me busy. I still dont go outside, but its still a bit cold. You know how much I hate being cold. I know that you come home from florida soon. I dont think that im going to try to see you. I saw your sisters the other day. It wasnt as weird as I thought it would be. I hugged both of them and asked about the family. Ive done pretty well advoiding contact with sylvia and pauline and bethany. I always used to run into them but im doing all my shopping at winco. I hope when you get back we dont end up there at the same times. Im listening to music again, and I dont hate y0u anymore.

8 MONTHS (AUGUST)

Its been 8 months and im happy. I have another cat now, her name is maggie. I see you from time to time and I dont feel anything when youre around. Im finally coming to terms with who I really am. Im a biromatic asexual female. Im dating a girl, but that isnt serious. I love my new job, that I got in june. I have a new roommate who I get along with fabulously. They are an agendered person and I adore them. They work at an all natural grocers and make me eat decent food. I still have my dark days, I always will, that was never about you, but im not cutting any more and my scars are faded. Of course, you never knew about that anyway. Im drinking more beer and less tequila and whiskey. Which I think is probably good, because of the lower alcohol content. Im wearing what makes me feel good and I dont really care what other people have to say about it. I feel like ive been through hell this year but im evolving and becoming a person that I can be proud of being. The year started with us breaking up, and my world was destoyed. Then, I did the tinder thing for awhile, needing the physical comfort, then, I got a roommate who I hated but was in desparate need of for the money, then I quit my full time managerial job at the bakery, for a part time position at a bank. Then my grandmother died, completely unexpectedly, and my roommate moved out. Then when I got back from my training classes in Vancouver we found out that our branch is closing. But I finally feel like this year is going to turn around. I have a good roommate, 2 cats, they are giving me 40 hours at the bank and I dont have toxic people in my life. Im building my own little broken family of queers and oddballs and I dont feel completely empty. Im finally realizing that I dont need anyone else to get by. I can survive whatever the Powers That Be throw at me. I AM ENOUGH.

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imtiredofthis1-blog · 6 years

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i just got done practicing and right now i’m just reading and listening to music.. but i can’t stop for a moment.. why is it so hard..

im really listening to metro station bruhhh 🤦‍♂️😜😂😂😂 but anyways it’s really bizarre

im indecisive with my action ofbletting it pass me.. i wanna embrace the forgiveness i wanna embrace a new day.. i wanna embrace that this is truth.. but i just yearn for you.. i can’t erase you i don’t want to erase you.. and you rt stuff that just makes me feel that you don’t like it and wanna move forward.. am i holding you back.. am i breaking you.. am i destroying this.. i just wanna let you be happy.. but it’s like i prey on your happiness and wanna be a part of it.. maybe i need vocal communication from you..

i don’t know what i want.. i wanna and i know this is to be a part of your life..

but i sit here and ponder well will i restrain you will i be arrogant and destructive again.. and i wanna weep..

thank you for my information last night.. it’s a great thing to know you’re still genuine..

i know i hurt you ____ its well known and i probably engraved a sour soul.. between us..

im just gonna go forth

i believe it’s hard for me

because

i want something young and strong .. like what we had how our connections was distant but there was that mysterious entitlement of wanting to know..

i’ve been dying to know you since i was 14.. then we came around and i gifted you with the animal crossing and it was like little love.. each of it meant so much to me.. although that day i remember being broken cause you were with someone i didn’t like.. someone i felt would take you away from me.. then time flew.. and i moved and still distantly called you and got your attention.. it was beautiful.. as i remember so clearly. what else i returned bothered you for days and requesting an encounter.. and i understand you now and i understand i shouldn’t have stepped where i did and how disrespectful it was of me.. then we became a whole duality like ying and yang .. you were my fire.. and i poured you with emotions.. anyways..

it was beautiful as we finally interacted like new kids in a crib.. and we danced with sparkle sparkle of love.. in each other’s eyes.. i could upload the videos so i could show you what i mean by this.. but i’m not trying to manipulate your heart into returning there unless it’s your choice to return..

but those days as they swung by and we traced each others outlines.. coloring outside the lines.. we loved and it was holy matrimony well at least a hypothetical or metaphorical state of it..

oh how much i wish i went back to tell me that you you’re whole being was fragile and that me then needed to build her and make her feel great.. and i don’t recall if i ever embraced your beauty.. all i remember is commenting on each tint of lucious hair you dyed.. i miss you ____ and i watch you from a far desparate.. i’m obsessed is this normal.. am i suppose to be this way..

i feel wrong but i feel right inside.. with the longing.. i so miss you.. i pray..

for a better day.. a better place.. a better ray

to shine a greater friendship.. but it’s not my choice it’s not my desire to make you manipulate you to alter your own thoughts.. i’m only here to express my anguish anxiety and my disease..

can you cure me.. can we work.. can we be better..

oh mybif i had the opportunity i’d leave you alone and trust you.. i’d talk to you when i feel wrong and id listen when you feel wronged..

and i sit here and remember that i broke your promise.. of how i promise i wouldn’t leave as we sat at shari’s.. why am i so terrible.. is it rooted and natural of me to be so arrogant and disgusting..

i hate bringing this up but it’s an important as it would’ve made everything far worse..

but i’m happy im happy i stayed true to you.. and although i did stupid instagram shit.. i’m sorry for that as i did this and i was wrong for tarnishing your trust in me.. as it planned out and made you unsure or however you felt cause i can’t assume..

but yeah i’m glad i never cheated on you.. i never had a thought or needs.. and if you’re like why is this important details.. and it’s because i’ve been broken like this before by cheat and i felt sooo disgusting and i felt destroyed.. then i learned toblove and let that go to forgive and forget..

and so when i see people around me doing this i’m just happy happy i love you and each time it embraces me it makes me feel more pure and closer to you.. the connection we had i crave it.. the aura you placed before me i waited each night for you..

youre overworked, my beauty, you are a hardworking queen a cinderella story.. maybe i’m no prince maybe i am one of those mice helping you get to your actual love.. why the fuck am i talking about..

anyways.. you’re precious and you probably know this.. from exterior men or friends embellishing and pressing this to you..

im sorry for the names.. i’m sorry for the actions.. i’m sorry for the burden _______

why do i dream of a possibility of a new turn of events.. and if the thing were to arise well i’d say id love to compromise is love to stand by you..

i’d love to be new and work with you..

but again it isn’t my choice nor reason to force this on you .. i’ll either wait eternity move on or another lifetime.. i’m weird like that.. i’m weird a lot..

i miss you and it’s the reason i can’t let go.. the minute i’d hear a reply or a call i know i’m there within you.. and maybe you’re holding up well and that’s why it’s less difficult but who knows we don’t speak.. but yeah i do wonder how you are.. are you eating.. exercising.. doing your stretches.. how’s your back.. do your feet still hurt .. who cracked your back now.. and now it overwhelms me i tear.. and i have to embrace it to let go of you..

i hate being human and creating connection and attachment.. i hate being i. love i hate love i hate everything that makes me sad.. i hate you.. but i love you..

i just sit here to much in the cloud of my head.. where you are the sun as i look out to you.. i hate feelings..

i am changing and finding a better replace ment.. i am becoming fresh.. i am driven by your separation and my own idea of a better life.. i wish we’d be a part a part of eachother as we could hold hands in cold and dance in the warmt..

im sorry for making you question your sanity..

im sorry for being impulsive..

im sorry for being destructive

im sorry for holding you close to me and withholding your experience to live.

im sorry for keeping you..

im sorry and the the more i channel apology i feel distant and deeper and deeper i fall..

i am in the process of letting you go.. as i know you are a flower child and your radiance needs to bloom..

i am in the process of developing my ego and my health..

i am working for a new figure a better role.. stronger ties with myself

i love you valerie ..

i love that we had at least a small oppurtunity of know eachother.. i’m glad we did something..

im forgiving you im forgiving your actions as i coerrelated or instagted them..

i realize i am a bigger fool than stated i am dumb for being this type of person..

i must let you live on and futuristically what happens happens.. whether we tie again or be distant support systems.. whatever occurs i must embrace it.. i must embrace my love for you.. i must be a new developed human.. i love you precious angel..

the text limit is over.. and i wanna continue but

xo 1/27 6:44 ps we can talk or we cannot it’s up 2 u

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