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Eurovision 2020 – The Least Useful List Ever

Disclaimer: I am absolutely biased towards certain styles of music and am probably the least impartial person ever. I also don‘t take anything seriously, so you shouldn‘t make that mistake with this list. I mean, Eurovision has been postponed anyway and we‘re all going mad in self-isolation.

France: Tom Leeb – Mon Alliée

MEEEH, it‘s a dude with a guitar singing a quiet love song. Super basic and also super boring. Would be better if there was no English in it, that makes it worse. 3 Points.

Czech Republic: Benny Cristo – Kemama

Czechia has a type. It‘s kinda fun, but it‘s not my style of music. This could be on the radio and I‘d be „Okay, I‘m driving anyway“. There‘s not enough happening for me here. 4 Points.

Armenia: Athena Manoukian – Chains On You

Someone saw Ukraine‘s entry from last year, huh. But I actually kinda like it. I actually like the aesthetic more than the song itself, but it‘s kinda good. Except for the super basic chorus. Wouldn‘t add to my playlist but I don‘t mind it. 5 Points.

Italy: Diodato - Fai Rumore

Hey, I‘m having a déjà vu. Another non-english love song. But this is better than the french one, simply because there‘s actually some emotion in this dudes voice. Also Italy just gets sympathy points from me at this point. 5 Points.

Russia: Little Big – Uno

I love this song so much. It‘s so much fun. It‘s so stupid and campy. In short: very Eurovision. It‘s also just very interesting instrumental-wise. At least I think it is. I really like it. (also their dancer in the blue jumpsuit doing splits and a death drop? Icon) 10/12 Points.

Denmark: Ben & Tan – YES

Why does this sound like Shallow to me? I think it‘s the guitar and the male and female voice. Anyway if it‘s Shallow it‘s bad Shallow. NO from me. I don‘t like the pacing. BUT if they had had a live performance at least it would‘ve been great for audience participation. 4 Points

Estonia: Uku Suviste – What Love Is

Oh. It‘s that kind of song, huh. Why does th music video like this. Why are there spider webs on the microphone. Why is there the word „LOVE“ in an empty industrial hall. Why does he do so many vocal runs. Just a big WHY from me. 2 Points.

Romania: ROXEN – Alcohol You

I know this was the fan favourite song, but I liked literally ALL OTHER songs she had more than this one. It does look really cool though. It‘s also very modern, but there‘s not enough build-up for me? Or rather, it sounds like it builds up to something and it doesn‘t really in the end? Like it builds up to something, but it doesn‘t go as hard as I would have liked it to? But that‘s just me. 6 Points.

Azerbaijan: Efendi – Cleopatra

Okay, this is my guilty pleasure song this year. The music video is super weird (the dancers all look like they do not want to be there, she‘s suddenly dancing around a car in an outfit from 2009 and she‘s raking around in a baththub full of gold dust?), the text is super basic BUT holy shit I just love the pre-chorus and the chorus. I mean. What‘s going on there?...Whatever it is, I like it. 7 Points.

Albania: Arilena Ara – Fall From The Sky

She reminds me of Poppy, of all people. But her voice is deeper. Her song is also more basic. I really have nothing to say about thsi, except that it sounds like a song from last years ESC but I don‘t know which one right now. 2 Points.

Greece: Stefania – SUPERG!RL

If we have learned anything from S!ISTERS last year, then it is that you shouldn‘t replace I‘s with exclamation marks. Also why is she singing about her being super strong and stuff and then she uses her powers to...make two bullies probably break their noses?...and why did the nerd draw her (so weirdly)? What is this music video… 2 Points

Portugal: Elisa – Medo De Sentir

Conan was robbed last year and therefore I cannot like whatever Portugal does this year. Conveniently, I also don‘t like this song. I swear, there‘s slow and quiet songs I like, it‘s just not...this kind. 3 Points

Moldova: Natalia Gordienko - Prison

This year‘s music videos are so obscure, but at least this isn‘t the slow-mo-romance from last year. That being said...I do not like her face being so close to the camera. The song is surprisingly decent though. In an Eurovision context, duh. 4 Points

Malta: Destiny – All Of My Love

Two things: Destiny‘s voice is absolutely stunning. I love listening to her sing. She really knows what she‘s doing. And: although I had to skip the narration at the beginning (it made me uncomfortable??) it‘s a great song. It‘s fun. They‘re also all covering their mouths and noses. Truly ahead of their time. 7 Points.

Serbia: Hurricane – Hasta La Vista

My immediate reaction to that opening shot was: „Oh, hatred will win again huh?“. That‘s pretty much all they had in common with Iceland though. Something is wrong about this Instrumental. I don‘t know what it is, but it sounds off-beat for some reason? It‘s super weird to listen to, I don‘t know. It‘s also, eh, basic? 3 Points

Poland: Alicja – Empires

I knew an Alicia in school and I hated her with all I had. I wouldn‘t say I dislike this song that much, but I also don‘t...really like it? I‘m always sceptical about songs that have very ambigious lyrics and then show some political stuff in the music video because I just KNOW that they do that so they can collect their Internet points while not risking to lose the points of older people who only watch the Contest on TV and will never see the music video. Apart from that, I just don‘t care for the song, honestly. 4 Points

San Marino: Senhit – Freaky! So, in the years where San Marino doesn‘t send Serhat, can we borrow him? I mean, he works in Germany anyway and speaks German, so it shouldn‘t be a problem, right? About the song: yeah, why not. Sounds a bit like they tried to do a little bit of Lizzo here, and I don‘t mind it. The people who did the music video also saw Ukraines entry from last year. The scene where they‘re all touching each other is basically the same. 5 Points

North Macedonia: Vasil – YOU

ME?! Why is he in the „She Got Me“-Bar by the way? And why is there a passed out guy in the background?! Is that girl wearing a Scrunchy? This whole video is She Got Me. Only worse. IT‘S EVEN THE SAME LOCATION?? 2 Points

Iceland: Daði og Gagnamagnið – Think About Things

I haven‘t seen one person on the Internet who dislikes this song and I...for once...am part of the hype. I love this song, I love these people, it‘s so stupid and that‘s why it‘s amazing. Iceland just gets Eurovision recently. It‘s also a total bop, all other things apart. I‘m humming it at least once a day, it‘s becoming a problem. Daði ALSO lives in Germany, so I think we can claim this song at least a bit? 12 Points

Finland: Aksel – Looking Back

In German, your „Axel“ is your arm pit. I just though you should know that. And I‘m only writing that because this song makes me feel nothing. It just faded right out as soon as I looked at my computer screen. It was gone immediately. 3 Points

Sweden: The Mamas – Move

Good voices. This sounds a lot like their song from last year for some reason. I mean. It even has the same lights or am I going mad?? It‘s totally fine though. 5 Points

Cyprus: Sandro – Running

This will sound weird, but...he looks like a german teenager. I can‘t explain it, he just DOES. Yes, the weird moustache totally included. With me talking about this, you can probably guess that I do not care about this song eiter. Bleh. 4 Points.

Slovenia: Ana Soklic – Voda

We wanna pRääääy – I know she (probably) isn‘t singing that but I can‘t hear anything else. The way she looks at the camera also weirdly bothers me, but that might just be because I can‘t really do eye contact. By the way, the chorus totally sounds like Paper from Iceland 2017. To me. I can‘t explain myself. 5 Points

Bulgaria: Victoria – Tears Getting Sober

Ouh...that title. She‘s going for a Billie Eilish-vibe, isn‘t she. She so is. And I wouldn‘t mind usually, but this is...very obvious. Like, VERY. I also don‘t care a lot for Billie Eilish‘s music, so, you know… 3 Points

Ireland: Lesley Roy – Story Of My Life

„Hey, Lesley, we‘re selling you to One Direction so we can go to the Eurovision Finale.“ What do you mean, it‘s not that Story Of My Life? Hmpfh. She also does not look like she should have that voice. She looks a bit like a middle-aged lesbian, if I dare say so. Why are there so many songs this year that I do not care about? AAAAH. 4 Points

Austria: Vincent Bueno – Alive

Damn, I want a Kinder Bueno now. His voice caught me a little bit off guard, I won‘t lie. And I know he‘s Austrian, but he looks like he‘s a classmate of the guy from Cyprus. Both weirdly german teenager-esque. The song is fine. Still not my genre. She can dance though, so I like him. 5 Points

Israel: Eden Alene – Feker Libi

What I conclude from this song: Israel is not yet ready to win again. I mean, the song is totally fine, but...it‘s not anything special? It just blends right in with the song from before. And I wanted to give bonus points for native language, but just the chorus doesn‘t count. Nuh-uh. 4 Points

The Netherlands: Jeangu Macrooy – Glow

Ah, the Dutch, known for weed and speaking funny German. One thing I genuinely don‘t get: if you are the hosting country, why send ballads or sad songs? I mean, the chances of you winning are so slim, you might as well send a song that‘s entertaining for the home crowd. Maybe in your native language, maybe with a catchy and fun chorus or a repeatable dance move...(may I mention Germany‘s opening act when they hosted the contest in 2011 and the way Stefan Raab completely transformed the song to have it be more fun and entertaining? Not the same thing, but I just think it needs attention). The song isn‘t bad, though. 4 Points

Switzerland: Gjon‘s Tears – Répondez-moi

Oh look, the Swiss remembered they know French. I swear, if they send a German song before us and all of Europe and Australia has to listen to Swiss-German I will throw something. Anyway. It‘s better than the Song sent by France. I like the „Ah-aaah“-parts a lot actually. Honestly, I quite like this song in general. The longer I listen to it, the more I like it. Oh no. 7 Points

Latvia: Samanta Tina – Still Breathing

Why do I feel like I heard this song already? Like, in this list. At least she has a very subtle hat. She won‘t stand out a lot. That reminds me, I don‘t understand art. I have also reached the chorus now and have to say that it still sounds a little bit like Azerbaijan but it‘s actually pretty cool. I don‘t know why, but there‘s just something about it. 7 Points

Georgia: Tornike Kipiani – Take Me As I Am

Okay, don‘t add me, but I really like this song. No jokes here. I just really love the way Georgia keeps sending super angry dudes to Eurovision and nobody cares about it. Although he sounds a lot less scary than Oto, which, in my book, gives him some minus points. Still. I like this. This Song also has more German in it than the German Song. Just pointing that out. 8 Points

Germany: Ben Dolic – Violent Thing

When I first heard this song, I absolutely despised it. I think it‘s just my natural reaction to Germany‘s songs nowaday. Anyway, everyone keeps saying that Germany finally has a good song again like it‘s been ages and ages. But, let‘s be real: 2019 was really bad, yeah, but 2018 was super good, I love 2015‘s Black Smoke to this day and we won in 2010, which, for a contests that only occurs every year and has more than 40 contestans, is not bad at all. What I want to say with that: yes, it‘s actually good, but it‘s not our first good song in decades. 7 Points / Not allowed to vote for it

Belarus: VAL – Da Vidna

This is the first video that YouTube gave me an ad for and I‘m not here for it. I know I‘m supposed to judge the song, but I also have to ask: what does she have on her head? That is a serious question. What is that. She also looks like my cousin a little bit, which is neither good nor bad for her. I‘d like to give her native language points, but two things bother me: a) what is she doing with those dudes and b) I don‘t like this song. 2 Points

Lithuania: The Roop – On Fire

(The Roop! The Roop! The Roop is on fire!) I love this. And what I mean by „this“ is the full package. The song is fine by itself (yes, I like weird songs) but his whole demeanor is just so obsucre...I love it. He manages to look like an extremely serious person while doing the silliest moves ever. He also just looks SO Eastern-European, it‘s ridiculous. 10 Points

Croatia: Damir Kedzo - Divlji Vjetre

He does not look like he should sing this kind of song. He looks like a German amateur rapper. Yes I know, it‘s not my fault that a lot of people look German. I don‘t like this song! I‘m sorry! 2 Points

United Kingdom: James Newman – My Last Breath

There‘s a fire-, no wait, wrong guitar intro. This dude looks like what my brother would looks like if he could grew a proper beard and was a few years older. I don‘t know what you are supposed to do with this information, but at least you have it now. For an UK song, this is absolutely decent. 4 Points

Ukraine: Go_A – Solovey

Yesss, ethnic stuff! I love this song, it‘s absolutely great. And her dress is absolutely stunning. I can‘t even think of anything funny to say about this song, it just totally takes me in. 10 Points

Spain: Blas Cantó – Universo

Can we have La Venda back please? And what is he doing with his hands? And why does he look like he does YouTube? So many questions, so little answers in this music video...(no, seriously, I KNOW this dude from somewhere.) 3 Points

Belgium: Hooverphonic – Release

Yah, Release me from this song please. I‘m getting sick of these songs!! Why is everyone whining, the world is bad enough already!! I‘m using two exclamation marks at once so it‘s serious!! And she says losing game, which is a direct nod to Arcade which led the Netherlands to the win. It‘s song science. Or for short: love love peace peace and all that. 2 Points

Norway: Ulrikke – Attention

Whenever I read the word „Attention“, all I can think about is Todrick Hall. Which is a problem, because this isn‘t…a party song. By the way, why is she squinting so hard? She looks like she‘s in physical pain. And not the „I‘m so sad“-way, but the „I really need to go to the toilet please“-way. I‘m running out of things to say so I have to resort to potty humour. Sorry. 2 Points.

Australia: Montaigne – Don‘t Break Me

I know we have all seen the outfit already, but why does she look like that. She also looks so lost on stage? I feel bad for her, but not because of the lyrics but because of the look on her face. Oh, and about the song: meh? 4 Points

FINAL TOP TEN:

One Point: Azerbaijan

Two Points: Malta

Three Points: Germany (I can‘t really vote for them but who cares there‘s no contest)

Four Points: Latvia

Five Points: Switzerland

Six Points: Georgia

Seven Points: Lithuania

Eight Points: Ukraine

Ten Points: Russia

Twelve Points: Iceland

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