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starlightdreaming · 1 month

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Lucifer Morningstar x Reader! Ch. 3!

Fandom: Hazbin Hotel!

Content Warning: more… angst. with some comfort..(?) idk starve lol. blood and vulgar words. SUPER LONG CHAPTER TOO WOO! (nonproof read too)

Synopsis: after going through severe depression, you mentally and physically shut down.

Further note: THANK YOU FOR THE PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPORTING MY SERIES (Lululuna) IT MAKES ME SO FUCKIGN HAPPY AAHAHAHHDVENE (this is also my favorite chapter I’ve been waiting to write HEHEHHE) ENJOY READING AS IVE ENJOYED WRITING IT - ✨Lolo💫

Chapters!: Chapter 1 ✧ Chapter 2 ✧ Chapter 3 (you are here) •<•)b ✧ Chapter 4 ✧ Chapter 5

THIS CHAPTERS SONG IS uhhHhahwueh

(optional but recommended!)

｡･:*:･ﾟLululuna･ﾟ:｡*:･｡

After sending Lucifer away, you were silent during the whole aftermath ordeal.

You stared at the ground for a long while, sitting in the middle of the court room, ignoring and blocking everyone that was talking or looking at you. In a room so loud, in your mind, it was deathly silent.

Sera went to you, tapping your shoulder softly, “come along now, Y/n,” She says, softly, “Let’s get you home, alright?” She offers, standing up, waiting for you to collect yourself and get up as well.

the carpet was drenched with a puddle of tears, you felt like a part of you was gone forever… and you weren’t ever going to get it back. You dry your tears, using your sleeves to wipe them off your face before getting up and taking Sera’s hand into your own, she held your hand softly, teleporting you to the front of your home.

“Take all the time you need.” Sera says, understanding how much pain you were going through, you have told her everything after all in your years of working with her after you and Lucifer fell apart. She teleported away as you stood at your front door for a moment, staring at the door before unlocking it and pushing it open with no effort at all, your home was dark from how late it was,

The sun was gone, put away to rest, and the moon was present, subtle and set.

You walked into your home, stars barely dimming any light in the dark home, you closed your door behind you, leaning on it with a sigh, your exhausted eyes felt puffy from all the tears you had shed after seeing Lucifer for the last time, the way he looked at you as he fell, bore into your mind, it’s been haunting you since.

‘maybe it was a mistake?’ you thought as you conversed in your head for the nth time that day, your mind was haunting you endlessly with years of torment after Lucifer left you behind, your heart and mind were always arguing with one another, your heart always begged to talk things out even if the pain was unbearable but your mind was more of in control with your body, trying to keep your heart safe, trying to keep you safe from any more suffering. you just didn’t know what to do.

Tears fell from your eyes again that night, wishing to be held and comforted by someone who would understand the same pains as you, and that someone was no one.

Down at your door you sat, hugging your knees as you cried out your pain, the exact same spot when you cried yourself to sleep on your last birthday, the last birthday you shared with Lucifer. It wasn’t a good memory to remember but… it was a memory that was telling you, ‘here we are, once again.’ and that was enough to make you cry harder as you hugged yourself with the silence screams that no one could ever see or hear…once.. again.

✧•✧•✧•✧•✧•✧•✧

Day in, day out.

As time passed, you were slowly recovering from the losses of your childhood friend.

Day in, day out.

As time passed, you focused on your work behind the scenes, Emily bringing joy to those around Halo city, welcoming winners and Heaven born angels all around. With more Earth born angels arriving in Heaven, the population of the people grew, meaning more expansions of the city and more expansions of the city, meant you had to work much, much longer.

Day in, day out.

You were falling behind on your creations, being the only ‘angel’ that could make stars, Sera would often have to come and talk to you and your issues of the star makings. You and Sera both tried to get other angels to make the same stars as you, sentient and beautiful, but it was only ever botched and dull when anyone else tried to make them, leaving you at a loss. You often had to stay up in late night hours, until the sun came back up, barely ever giving you the chance to go back home and rest. After one problem, another came along, you began to feel confined behind those four walls.

Day in, day out.

Your life was just stuck in the same room, rarely ever getting out, star after star, it began to be repetitive and passionless, everything was the same.

Day in, day out.

Sera would often visit you, telling you to keep making an nth amount of stars today or tomorrow, sooner or later, she would just leave notes and piles of paperwork her employers would send to you, leaving you in the dust, life became frail and dulling, you were just a machine at that point, neglected and forgotten as you kept making sentient stars constantly.

Day in, day out.

Nothing’s new. Days, weeks, months, years, nothing was changing as you drowned more in more into a bleak and miserable office, you felt more and more empty, you would wake up and sleep, you lost track of time at this point, your office was just a mess of star dust and stars, the windows were black from the dust staining the windows making them unobtrusive, you sat on the floor in the center, feeling stuck and hopeless. Surrounded by the only thing that brought you comfort, now becoming the only thing you were ever useful for.

Day in, day out.

How long has passed? You didn’t care anymore. All you wanted was to escape and be free from this basked room of misery and self loathing, your stars became gloopy and sticky, they were melting in this room like you were.

Day in, day out.

You couldn’t bare another minute in the same room, your arms were stained black from stars that melted on you from time to time, the stars were barely ever successfully made anymore, you just couldn’t continue anymore.

Day in, day out.

Long and forgotten you were, nothing new and changing, just you in a black room, full of dust and gloopy stars. You laid there meaninglessly, your eyes lifeless and you completely numb, tired and exhausted.

Day in, day out.

Nothing’s new, nothing’s new, nothing’s new, nothing’s new, nothing’s new, nothing’s new, nothing’s new, nothing’s new, nothing’s new, nothing’s new, nothing’s new, nothing’s new, nothing’s new, nothing’s new.

Day in, day out.

After days of laying there, eating your own stars as survival, refusing to allow anyone into your room, Sera finally showed up for once after eons or centuries? you don’t even know anymore. She wasn’t as loving or caring as she used to be, it was to be expected since you lost sight of you as a sister and more of a machine. When she ordered you to get up and do something, you refused to respond as you continued to lay there, seeing as doing anything anymore was futile.

She commanded you again and she received no result, When she picked you up from the ground, she saw how lifeless you really were, she teleported you to a hospital, getting you attention from the doctors as quick as possible, they checked you, you were alive, obviously, but mentally, you died out long ago.

✧•✧•✧•✧•✧•✧•✧

The nurses cleaned and fed you, you were barely responsive but it was progress to them if you ever reacted.

You laid in that hospital bed, day in, day out.

One day, Emily came to visit you, you didn’t bother until she used her powers on you. As the joy bringer of the people, she managed to give you a glimpse of happiness again and that was enough to bring color back into your eyes and look at her.

A nurse watching, left to contact a doctor. Emily smiled at you as she channeled her energy to you, hugging you and asking you questions to see if you would respond, it took awhile but you managed to wry a smile and tell her, “hi..” a croak in your voice from how raspy your throat felt, she tilted her head with a comforting smile, “hi,” she said, “how are you feeling?” she asks genuinely, her hand over your yours as she channeled more of her angelic energy, soothing you physically and mentally, “I’m alright.” you responded with a croaky voice, “yeah?” she asks, “yeah.” you respond.

A doctor showed up to give you a thorough check up, the nurse following and thanking Emily as she lightly laughed off the nurses praises. Your eyes were still dull but they had color now, the bags under your eyes were visible from the years lack of resting, black circles covered your eyes but seeing you be able to smile was just enough for the doctor to say you were responsive now. The doctor and nurse left the room to get you your meal or checking on other patients, leaving you and Emily once again.

Emily would talk to you, making small conversations, tell you about her day and sharing her energy with you again to make you more at ease, she even told you how Sera refused to let her see you cause you were always too busy for visitors, that was true but it was also the reason you were here in the first place. When visiting time was over she promised to come back to visit you tomorrow, you smiled at that, waving bye as she left.

Now it was you, yourself, and the white room and for once, you decided to stand up and look outside the window, the stars shined and dimmed brightly that night, the stars were the only thing making your eyes shine that night, their light reflecting off your eyes irises.

with the day done and in, you rested peacefully in that hospital bed, letting the day out.

Emily visited everyday to see you, still seeing you as a sister and telling you her life stories, she even managed to make you laugh at one point, it was a big laugh but it was genuine and thats what matters to her. At one point, you managed to ramble off about stars and the ideas you had for them, you got to show her how you made them, you tried to show her as well when she requested to guide her to make one, obviously it didn’t work but she smiled whenever she got to be given the chance to, she gave you the botched star that was lavender blue, it was small with imperfections but for the first time in the longest time, someone had given you something and you never were letting it go.

You used a little bit of your stardust to make it stick in your hair, making sure it stays there, no matter what. Emily smiled when she saw it in your hair, seeing how much it matters to you. You and Emily both spent the entire day talking and creating, sharing and conversing, it was so comforting and warm, her light was guiding you out of that dark abyss you had made for yourself and eventually- you were out the hospital.

You went back to that same office room but this time, you cleaned it, you made more stars, the neglected ones being perfected and revived, sentient and chiming. With your office cleaned you decided to get a meeting with Sera personally. It took a few days but it was accepted and eventually you were in her office, she looked at you authoritatively, not seeing you as she had once, who knows long ago.

“What is it, Y/n?” She says, sitting at her desk as you walked up to her desk and took a seat in the chair at the opposite end. “I quit.” You spoke, unhesitant, “What?” She says, rather surprised, “I quit,” you smiled, crossing your arms, “at making stars for you and the people.” you finished, watching her reaction change, “and what makes you think you can?” She says with a slightly aggressive tone, glaring at you slightly, “I am my own person, I want a new job,” You say, sitting back in your chair, “then- will I make more stars for you.” You say, your her fingers intertwined and resting on your lap, legs crossed.

She stood up, her figure towering over you from over the table, “You refused to continue your work, end up in a hospital for who knows what and now you’re asking for a new job?” She asked, feeling rather insulted like you can laze around and do whatever you want, “Yes, that’s exactly what.” You smiled, unbothered, Emily made you feel this way, like a new person, she was therapy itself in a way.

“And you think you can handle a different job? even when you couldn’t even handle your own?” She glares, you leaned forward into your chair, “got bored with the stars thing, without a doubt I can do something else.” You say looking at her smugly, making her harden her glare at you. maybe Emily gave you too much of her energy.

“Fine then.” She says, turning around, looking away from you and out the window, she snapped her fingers and a man appeared next to you, “Woah- wait, what the fuck?” He says, looking around the room, looking at Sera, then at you, “You will be working with Adam from now on,” She says, turning back to you, you and Adam staring at each other awkwardly, before he began to wiggle his eyebrows at you with a flirty smirk, “Adam, you are to train and teach Y/n, show and tell her what she will be doing.” Sera orders, you had your knees up in the chair leaning away from Adam, due to him gawking at you before he looked away to Sera, “Wait now? Don’t you think it’s too soon for any recruits?” He questions, pointing a thumb at you.

“She wanted a new job since she failed to do her own,” Sera explains to Adam as you rolled your eyes from her statement, “since she says she can handle a new one, I’m giving her this one.” Sera finishes, sitting down back in her chair, “But we were just about to start? she wont even have time to prepare?” Adam responds, scratching his horn confused from this sudden meeting, “Then I suggest you get started,” Sera commands, going back to skimming through papers, “Dismissed.” She says, as you and Adam turn to each other confused.

You both left together, him leading and you following silently and awkwardly, your confidence long and left you after Adam appeared. “So what’s your name again? Already forgot.” He says looking at you, bending down slightly for you to meet face to face, you backed away from his action, “err, Y/n.” you respond, looking away for a moment before looking back at him, “Well nice to meet you, names Adam, first man, best man.” He smiles, reaching his hand out for you to take, you hesitated before shaking his hand, wrying a smile, “pleasure.” You speak, only giving him that response.

You both exited the building before flying, going to who knows where, “soo, before we get started, should probably ask what you do before you jump in the big ordeal, what do you do and how can you benefit us?” He asks, you flying alongside him, “I can do stellar manipulation, cosmic manipulation and stellar healing but im terrible at it,” You rambled, pointing a finger up after listing off your abilities, “What I can do best is making sentient stars do my bidding, like the stars that are all over Halo city? I made those.” You smiled, “Woah! wait, you made all those things come alive? that’s fucking sick!” He says complimenting you, “So you must be a big deal huh?” He smirks, “Ehh, I guess?” You shrug slightly with a smile.

“Ohoh, if you can control those stars, then you’re perfect for this job.” He smirks as he lands, you landed behind him as you looked around at everyone, them all wearing the same suits, you were confused now, just what even is this job?

“Sir? where did you go?” a female voice asked, “Sera teleported me outta nowhere for me to bring someone along with us,” he explains pointing to you, you walk up to her, “greetings, I’m Y/n.” you smile and waved, “Lute, Adam’s Lieutenant.” She says as she straightens her posture, giving you a short and slim response. “Attention ladies! we have a sudden and new guest! this is uhh,” he pauses before leaning toward you, “fucks your name again?” he asks as you deadpanned, how does someone forget a name so fast? “Y/n.” You respond, “Y/n!” He says, “Seraphim of the stars or something.” He says, trying to make you sound like big talk, “She will be joining us today, she isn’t prepared but thats okay, she will just be an audience for today at most, so everyone prepare yourselves,” Adam says as they pull out spears, making your confusion more piqued, “and let’s this fucking show on a roll!” he shouts, a portal opening, him flying off with his lieutenant.

You were caught off guard from them suddenly flying off, you followed, a little behind but you caught up quickly to Adam, (being a seraphim and all) staying behind him and Lute, when you went through the portal, you paused in the air, confused on where in the world were you? everything was red, the sky, the ground, it wasn’t long before you started hearing screaming in the distance, the angel army was flying and attacking, monster like creatures, “What the fuck is this?” You say in shock, “Oh shit, you curse too? fucking sweet!” Adam says, showing up next to you, watching the angels slaughter the creatures, “where am I?!” You ask with a shaky voice, concern and worry filling your voice, “You’re in hell, bitch!” He says, summoning an angelic guitar made of pure gold, strumming it.

“WHAT?” You say absolutely baffled from his answer, you quickly turned to look down at the destroyed city, those little things running around and screaming, pleading for their lives as they get brutally slaughtered, “why are we killing them?! they did nothing!” You say in a terrified voice, looking back at Adam, “calm down bitch, fuck,“ He says, making you glare at him instantly, “they’re sinners! We give them divine judgment!” He smirks, flying down and killing a sinner without hesitation, “Stop it!” You tell at him, your angelic form appearing from how terrified you were to discover that your divine people were slaughtering innocent souls that have done nothing but accept their damnation, “No, you stop it!” He says, flying back up to you, making you fly back when he got too close, “Sera ordered you to follow my lead, you are under my command!” He yells back, an explosion happening behind him, a city building tumbling, you stared in guilt, you didn’t even do anything to them and yet all you could feel was pure sympathy and sorrow for those souls who didn’t deserve the judgment they were receiving.

“Now, you’re going down there and helping us kill these fuckers or you can sit and watch.” Adam orders, you didn’t have any words to respond with as you looked down at the sinners, there was a young lady who was carrying a child away from the chaos, you couldn’t help but watch, you were too stunned to process anything, Adam flew off mumbling something under his breath, definitely cursing at you but you didn’t even care at that moment.

An angel chasing quickly behind the two sinners, the angels spear charging towards the two, before you can even give a second thought, you summoned a star quickly, tossing it at the angel, hitting them down before they could hurt the two, you gasped, surprised from your own actions, you hurt an angel, the angels you’re supposed to care for and protect! you watched the angel shrug it off like nothing before flying away to a different direction, giving the sinners the chance to run, why was Heaving allowing slaughter? doesn’t this go against the very foundations of Heaven? why didn’t you know about this was ever happening? and how long has it been happening? Sera assigned you here, so it’s obvious she knows! why would she allow this- wait.. does the father of Heaven know?

You quickly flew down to the city to find Adam, to find answers, but all you saw was bloodshed and destruction, spears left behind and angels flying around like they were proud of themselves, it gave you a gut wrenching feeling, “please spare me! don’t kill me!” A voice called out, you turned to see a sinner running for their life, your eyes widen when you see an angel walking up to the sinner, a manic laugh following behind them, you ran toward the sinner and the angel, you stood between them both, stopping the angel in her tracks, “I command you to stop!” you say aggressively.

The angel taken back by your sudden actions and outburst, “What are you doing? move it.” the angel said, trying to shove you away but you pushed back and it made the angel push you completely to the ground, moved to the side, you didn’t have any attributes to physical fighting and it showed, you fell to the ground, looking up quickly to see the angel about to attack, without a second thought, you summons another star, a rather big one and made it push her aggressively, you made the star make the angel collide with a building, knocking the angel out, you gasped, not meaning to go that far but you turned to the sinner and ran to their aid, “are you okay??” you ask the terrified man before you, he looked at you in awe, you angelic features making the man stunned and mesmerized, “yes… thank yo- gh-“ the man choked, a spear through his throat, his blood splattered onto your clothes, hands and face, you closed your eyes for a moment from the sudden liquid of blood covering your face.

You opened your eyes and your eyes widened when you saw Adam and Lute in front of you, the sinner headless and long gone of life, “Fuck do you think you’re doing?” Adam said, yelling at you, you looked down and stared at the red, staining your hands, your breath hitched, you were trying to save a soul and it died immediately in front of you, before your very eyes, from feeling sympathy and sorrow, you clutched your hands tightly, a fit of rage riling up inside you, “ADAM! THIS STOPS NOW!” You shout, your angelic appearance in full as you flew into the air, cosmic dust following your form, your wings emitted cosmic dust, along with your hands, star dust following suit.

You glared at Adam, Lute glaring back at you, sensing you were about to become a threat, she immediately charged at you before swinging at you, you immediately summoned a star as a shield, side eyeing her, you made the star push her down, away from you, another star attacking her swiftly and powerfully, knocking her out too, Adam watched it happen so quickly, “What the fuck was that? what did you do to Lute?!” He says, going after you next, he was much slower but he managed to fight off your stars as he kept swinging at you, you being the faster flying, dodged easily, they may have been more experienced than you but they were so damn sloppy with their attacks. not to mention as a seraphim, you are much more stronger.

You flew higher into the air, a radiant aura forming around you, “This massacre ends now, Adam.” you say in a monotone voice, focusing on your power as you began to summon multiple stars, making all sentient at once, you were using a lot of stamina for this but you were willing to do this if it meant stopping this meaningless wrath of judgment.

You had made stars fall, multiple stars stuck onto Adam as he tried to fight them off but you made the goopy ones specifically for him, eventually he was invulnerable to move, the stars sticky and drippy, making it hard for him to struggle, you glared at Adam silently as he began to curse you out, you made a big star float flatly, carrying Lute back into the portal along with Adam as the stars took his guitar and carried it with him separately, your other stars retrieved the other angels in this army, dragging them all back forcefully to the portal, you made the other spare stars fly up to the skies and make it rain stardust in the skies, the dust was full of healing properties, making sure the sinners that survived could heal physical injuries, you hoped it was enough for them since you weren’t very experienced with the healing attributes you had, feeling your stamina drained, you flew back to the portal, closing it as you flew to the grounds of Heavens cloud, panting heavily, you had never used that much of your abilities like that before, all at once in fact.

You looked up to see Adam pissed off at, struggling to break free from goopy stars you still had on him, you laughed lightly at this, that shits kinda funny.

You splat onto the cloud, face first, regaining your stamina for a bit, meanwhile the whole army Adam had was conversing in confusing, they tried to help Adam get out of the goop but that only made the. stuck with him, you turned to lay on your back, wings following and looked up to the sky, for once, you felt rather proud of yourself for being able to full something like that but now it was the worse part to come, after recollecting your energy, you got up and flew off, dragging Adam with you, the stars of goop following as he muffled our screams.

When you returned to Sera’s office, you busted down the door with any respect, “Sera!” you shouted angrily, “We need to take about this job offer.” you grumbled, slamming your hands down her desk, the goop of stars putting Adam down as he deadpanned at you and Sera. Sera’s eyes widened from your sudden outburst and the blood covering your body, “I assume you couldn’t handle it?” Sera asked, after recollecting herself, “Handle it? I more than handled it, I dragged a whole fucking army back into Heaven!” You screamed, Sera glared as she stood up, “That was not your job, your job was to follow Adams orders!” she spoke back sternly, “This job and his orders are hypocritical to what we believe in! this is conflicting to the foundation of Heaven!” You argued back as Adam watched, Sera stared at you before sighing, “Can we speak alone about this?” she requests, eyeing Adam, signaling you to let him leave, “fine.” you scowl at her in detestation, you snap your fingers and the goop evaporated, also summoning his guitar to give back to him, “Christ, you’re a crazy bitch, you know that?” He says insultingly, he spoke as soon he got his guitar but you ignored him as the ordered the with a swift of your finger, the stars dragged him out the room and shut the door, all while you stared at Sera with displeasure.

“Why would you let winners and heaven born give divine judgment to sinners? What was your plan? What the fuck even is this job??” You began, hostility filling your voice. “The sinners were uprising, they were getting more and more bigger in population!” Sera responds, beginning her explanation, “and?” you asked unconvinced, “They were getting stronger, of they become to powerful, they may even reach the Heavens! they would take over and spread evil all over our realm.” She continues as you scoff, “and why would you think that? you doubting your fathers abilities to keep that under control?” you point out as she looks away, making you ponder, “does he even know you’re allowing your people to slaughter souls?” You ask.

She glared at you as she sat up in her seat, “He doesn’t and won’t know.” she says calmly and authoritatively, “seriously?! you’re doing this behind his back?!” You say, raising your voice in shock and anger, “unbelievable!” You say as you step beck from her desk, turning to leave her office, “and where do you think you’re going?” She asks, “where am I going? i’m going to tell all of Heaven on what the fuck you’re doing thats what!” you shout back, opening the door to leave but it shits immediately, Sera now in front of you, “you’re not going anywhere.” she says darkly, her figure towering over you as eyes appeared over her body, her angelic form showing.

You stepped back, looking at her staring daggers at her as she stepped closer to you, “and what makes you think I can’t?” you taunt, as she stood tall in front of you, “you will be silenced.” She says as pulls out an angelic spear of her own, knowing that she was threatening your life now, “What will Emily think when she finds you slaughtered her own sister?” You ask, putting up a facade of bravery, trying not show that she was getting to you, “Emily is not your sister.” Sera says aggressively and threateningly with pure hostility in her voice, seeing as that got to her it made you smug, “We’ll see when she finds out about how you allow her people kill the innocent.” You smirk with a shit-eating grin, knowing that no matter what she did, it wouldn’t turn out well for her.

It in-fact: did not turn out well for you, “We’ll see, when you’re gone for good.” She says as she swiftly moved you too quickly for you to react, her angelic spear carving your back, a mass amount of pain following as you screamed, you fell forward as she pushed you down as she stabbed her spear through her wing, making you wince in pain, adrenaline fueling your body from the shock that she actually took this path of violence. You tried to get up but she stepped on your back, pushing you back down, you look up at her in fear, her cold dead eyes staring into yours, “long before you know it, Emily will forget you even exist.” She says, swinging at your back again as you scream from agony, golden blood now mixing into the dried blood that covered you, you were shaking from terror and pain, she picked you up from your neck, as you struggled in her grasp, “stop- it!-“ you begged, trying to breathe, trying to kick her off you as golden blood dripped onto the ground in her office, she didn’t respond as she opened a portal, you turned to look, the familiar red skies before your very eyes, you turn to Sera desperately, “Don’t do this!-“ you gasped, struggling more in desperation, “You can’t!” You say, trying to pull her grasp off you, you were losing air and the stamina in your body.

“But I will.” She says with no solace or pity in her voice, she threw you into the portal with a second thought, closing it quickly, you gasped for air, adrenaline fueling your body as you regained oxygen to breathe but that was the least of your worries now, you were falling and your wings were to injured to fly, you were panicking as you tried to use your wings to fly but the pain was to unbearable, you saw your stars in the sky from earlier, protecting the sinners, thats it! thats your only ticket, you immediately tried to summon stars but it was a struggle to do so from how much power you already used from earlier, you had to overexert your abilities again, you mustered all the strength you had left within you, your angelic form showing as a bright colorful aura gleamed around you, you summoned stars but it was so hard to focus with adrenaline and panic that was fueling your body, you manage to make some stars but they were falling with you, some staying in place in the air for you to land on but you would quickly bounce off them from impact, you couldn’t focus at all, the sky rained stars that you had tried to quickly make but failed to use, it was too late as you crashed into the ground, a crater formed around you.

Your whole body hurt, it hurt more than anything you felt before, you weakly tried to sit up, you look at something glowing on the ground, you look to see a lavender blue star, the imperfect perfect star Emily had gifted you fell out of your hair, you winced in pain as your reached for the star, grabbed it and holding it to your chest as you laid back onto the ground, completely lost of any stamina and energy left to give.

Golden blood began to surround and puddle around you, the adrenaline and pain was the only thing keeping you awake right now, you laid there weakly, looking at the now red skies, you couldn’t do anything but only to try and breathe, trying to stay away, you were alone and no one in hell was going to go and try to save you. You were helpless, alone, once again. You couldn’t help but cry, scream in pain, why was this always happening to you? Why couldn’t you just find happiness? Why couldn’t the universe- help its only and dearest child? Your screams were so loud but they always heard im deaf ears, why did fate choose you to suffer this path? you screamed until you couldn’t anymore, you stared at the red sky as you waited for your in pending death. While looking at the sky, you see the stars shift toward you, raining their star dust onto you, the dust leaving soft touches on your skin, they felt like cool kisses, soothing your pain, you smiled weakly at your creations, your eyes feeling heavy as they tried closing, you fighting to keep them open but you eventually lost that battle.

eventually, everything went to black.

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ikonislife · 7 years

Text

Please Stay.

- Hanbin x Reader (ft. Monsta X’s Shownu)

- Requested part 2 to Just Go. (I did write this piece so that it could be a stand alone so reading Just Go isn’t necessary but it does provide some context.)

- Angst, fluff (Eventually...It will be fluffier than a baby husky, I swear...)

-There’s one more part!

- Despite being the one to initiate the break up, Hanbin finds himself lost without you. All the while, the return of your past life poses an imminent threat that Hanbin knows all too well might be the end of you and him forever.

- A/n: I know this is so late, omg. (I’m so sorry @7n13bang *cries* I promised i wasn’t lying when I said I’d post it last week.) My stupid ass accidentally deleted a lot of this part off so I had to rewrite it from the notes I had saved. Plus I had some personal stuff with my family that came up so I’ve been a little more busy than usual. There’s still another a looooot more but I decided I’ll post this up for now since I’m already so behind. That and it was getting kind of ridiculously long so a 2 part sequel might be better. It’s not that fluffy yet but it will be 🙃 i promise!

Like being hit by a bullet. No… That would’ve been too nice, much too easy.

“La petite mort. Do you know what that phrase mean, babe?” He had breathed so effortlessly with his arms entangled around your body, chest heaved heavily, hair drenched from sweat. The lust had long left his smiling lips along with the last desperate plead of your name, lingering somewhere far in the air filled with the leftover wondrous scent of love.

“No but it sounds romantic.” The words tumbled from your lips, barely abled to pass the raggedness of your breath. Light summer breeze fanned your slick, sticky skin. The stars were shinning so brightly above but somehow his eyes twinkled just a bit brighter. His skin glistened from sweat yet you were sure that wasn’t why he seemed to be glowing so magnificently, so ethereal. The sweet and delicate perfume of the rose blooms dotting the green hedges just a half a field away bathed your worn bodies in its heavenly scent. Perhaps your vision blur from the hours of love making, perhaps just drunk in love, staring at Hanbin now, you could almost swore he had always belong here in the garden like some mythical fairy gracing you with his rare luminosity. His arms wrapped around your naked body shielding it away from the bashful stares of nature surrounding, fingers gently pulling the soft cashmere throw atop your legs as if it would’ve make a different. As if the quiet mouse running along the far edge of the fence or the moon would’ve forgotten about watching you given your most intimate act to him in the open field behind his vacation home just moments ago. As if the clouds above or the tree in the far corner of the field would’ve forgotten about your lustful begs and desperate screams of his name. As if the small divinely soft throw could cover your bare breast overworking to catch a breath or his sinful, dangerously revealing lower torso. He heaved a laugh so clear it made you question the transparent, perspicuous quality that the night always brought you, how it always calmed you no matter how insane the twist and turn of daylight might be. Everything about him changed how you view the world and for once, you don’t mind changing.

“It means the little death. The French uses it to describe the high and come down of sex. I know it’s a bit morbid but imagine having the incredible luck of sharing it with the person you love. You love them so much that the feeling they give you can only be liken to small deaths.”

La petite mort. The words echo, leaking into every dimension of your weary mind. You reached out to that comforting smile but its dematerialization left your finger helplessly grasping at thin air. No longer could you sense the wonderful warmth of his smooth skin under your finger tips or feel the lightening bolt he sent through your body with every touch ghosting by. His brilliant grin and the soothing voice hide away in the dark corners of your brain, leaving you lost inside your mind. Cold sweat breaking, you jolt awake. The tenderness of his smile replaces with the deafening silent of dead air grumbling around the empty room and the soft hum of your heater. A long sigh torn from you lungs by the loneliness of winter.

La petite mort. What your beloved bastard had never told you was the phrase has double meaning. The phrase can also be use the when a person go through events so trying, so torturous that they die a little inside. The way you live your life these day, you were sure he’d be proud you’re taking the double entendre of his words so literal. The tiny, little deaths your heart and soul experience every damn waking minute of the day are far from being pleasurable, far from the meaning the French loves to moan about.

The sickening scent of the bowl still full of mushy soup-soaked instant noodle permeates every crevice of your nostrils. Your cheek, redden from the icy surface of the marble dinning table, lift away in haste as your eyes wander around the cold room. You haven’t had a second to settle from the dream when a wave of crushing pain radiates from your chest. It was the kind of heart wrenching, gut twisting little death that’s pushing another round of stomach acid mixed with alcohol souring your throat. The kind that’s currently sending you pummeling for the toilet. The kind that vacates your lungs of air, leaving you aguishly gasping from the rush of the mundane memories of brushing your teeth together, nuzzling noses, fingers shyly inching together; The mundane memories to never be recreate ever again.

Once again collapsing onto the cold tiled floor, you curl yourself up against the corner of the small bathroom that had been more comforting these past few weeks than the soft plush bed that might as well be a nail bed. Every time you had laid down, his words, his laugh, his touch prick every inch of your body over and over again until it felt like fire. All you could hear was the random whispers of the night telling you about his day at work. It was something he did often. Being your little spoon, he’d lay in your hold, chatting away about how bad he felt for scolding a worker, the bitchy potential partner he had to deal with, asking you for advices on things you got absolutely no knowledge of. Other nights, he’d giggled madly in victory whenever he could coax a snicker despite you being on the brink of sleep by telling really bad jokes he had heard from his subordinates. On nights neither of you were too tired or in desperate need of each other, even the ghosting of his breath on your neck could make you come undone in matter of seconds.

You lost it all.

Once the harsh convulsing in your stomach had stop, you laugh. Laugh to make sense of all this nonsense.

We broke up.

You continue to laugh. Laugh at how much this hurt. Laugh at your pathetic brain keeps replaying the image of him dimming away through the crack of the closing door that night. Laugh at how much you hate him. You laugh so hard that the tears falling from your eyes might as well be ghosts, invisible and unnoticed.

No, Y/n you dumbass. We didn’t break up, he dumped you.

It had been two months since he broke your heart.

You didn’t hate him at first. How could you, he had done all this so you could have a second shot at “true love” as he had put it. He had sacrificed himself for the betterment of your life. How could you be angry at someone so selfless. You were frustrated, of course. Being blind sided like you did, frustration would be mildly putting what you were going through. You had thought everything was fine, best it had been in months even when he just up and left you...

As the the sun and the moon repeat their courting dance around the Earth again and again, it begins to sting. Your spent mind began to latch onto the lies and excuses he had given as a escape from the relationship you had thought you will always have. He left you... To fence for yourself, dragged away like garbage in the middle of the night by a man you barely know. For your own good. You couldn’t honestly understand why he would do such a thing, especially after you had begged like a dog for him to trust you. As the clock struck 12 again and again, bitterness became friend. Like the heartening one-sided love he decided you need all those years ago, all on his own once again, Hanbin decided your life for you. Except this time instead of giving you all your hope and dream, he decided to abandon you.

How dare he decided my life

Thank God for giving you Hyunwoo back.

Hyunwoo had arrived that night just as he was asked to. Confused and lost, he nearly died seeing your soulless form sitting at the front door of the grand apartment Hanbin had rented solely because he wanted you close, to have a private piece of heaven with you. See, you had lived nearly 45 minutes away from his house, 20 minutes away from his work and in his lovesick mind, that was too far. He needed you as close as possible to him. Well, none of that matter now.

Carefully hiding his pain, Hyunwoo picked you up with ease and made his way into the place you used to called home. He sat with you in front of the fireplace till morn, offering the strong shoulder you were accustomed to at one point in your life, the one you had leaned on million of times before. Beyond the pain of lost, you shuddered at how foreign Hyunwoo’s touch and support felt.

So this is how Hanbin will feel like some day…

Strange or not, you couldn’t denied the comfort Hyunwoo brought, like the old ripped teddy bear you had since you were a wee baby. Despite nearly losing all its stuffing, feeling near completely different than how it once was, the nostalgia alone could hold you through the roughest of nights. He sat in silent, absorbing all the pain you let out, all the sobs. Large hand caressing your hair, gliding along the dip of your spine, he whispered “it’s okay” like a prayer. A prayer for you to stop hurting. A lone tear slipped out of his small, kind eyes knowing this wasn’t the first time you had gone through this…

Straightening yourself up, you throw the messy locks into a high pony tail before rushing toward the sound of the door bell before stopping dead in your track thanking God Hyunwoo remains ever so gentlemanly and refuses to use the key you had given him to give you some privacy. You look like shit. Rushing back to the bathroom, you vigorously splash ice cold water onto the worn face hoping to brighten it a bit. The last thing you need is for Hyunwoo to see your dishevel self, he’d get too worry. For the all the long weary days that had past, he became your rock just as he had so long ago.

“You’re late!” you exclaim to hide the sadness in your voice, pulling the large body through the frame.

“Yah, are you still wondering how I fit through the doorframe? I do not have Santa’s magic so for the last time, I am not that big.” He groans at your daze stare, eyes tracing out the door, arms struggling with two large bag from the nearby market. Too far deep into your acting, you fail to see the small glint of sadness behind Hyunwoo’s kind eyes. He knows the joke, the overexcitement are mere diversions of keeping his worry at bay yet he follows along anyhow if it means you have one less thing to worry about. He knows it all too well from the last few weeks he spent with you. In between the constant fighting and the moment of silent out of sheer exhaustion were random jokes, too random for it to not be intentional. He knew you were just trying to cover up how far off the deep end you really were, really are, all for his sakes.

“Hyunwoo, you’re 6 ft. tall, muscular dude. In what world is that not big. Like you were big when we were in school, now you’re biiiig.” you quip, shaking your head incredulously at his definition of “big”.

“I am not 6 ft. Stop spreading false information before I sue you for defamation. We’ve been seeing each other nightly for over 2 months now, get over it.” He retorts, shuffling into the kitchen to settle the bags of grocery. Following suit, you trail close behind, finding a small giggle easing its way out from his silliness, heart thankful for the banter that bring some light to your darkness. Staring at the handsome boy busily whisking dinner together, your heart aches a bit less knowing you’re still lucky enough to have such a wonderful person to be the pillar of your life.

“I’m just joking. We were together for 3 years, did you really think I don’t know how big you are?” You wink, secretly lamenting over the past and the cruel tricks life played on you. It gave you two wonderful men then ripped them away from your hold in the worst ways possible.

“Oh God, there’s my perverted little Y/n. No, I KNOW. You used to make the biggest deal out of me fitting through the door of our old place every time we come home drunk. You were really embarrassing, you know that.” He raises an eyebrow at you, almost waiting for your outburst.

“Uh, excuse you. I am magnificent. Embarrassing... yea right.” You scoff at his blatant mocking face that’s currently sticking a tongue at you. “Said the asshole that also cried he’d die if I leave. You love me and you know it.”

“Yea, yea. You know I do.”

Hyunwoo eyes light up at the sight of you joking around, God know how painful it was for him to see the sunshine drained out of your expression. However, the crescent in his smiling eyes soon gone as his lips curl into a distasteful frown seeing your awkward body blocking his view of the small round dinning table.

“What are you hiding?” The firmness of his voice tenses your whole body. Looking much like a deer in headlight, you shake your head. His looming body has you feeling like a 3 years old hiding candy from her parents. Eyes averting to the floor, you timidly step aside knowing there’s no point in hiding your uneaten dinner from Hyunwoo. He’s already so close that you could feel the heat radiating from his body yet you're not scare of his large stature. You're mostly embarrass, guilt runs through your veins.

“Y/n…” His voice calling out your name so soft and caring. Before he has the chance to say anything else, you abruptly cuts off the sadden voice.

“I’m sorry, Hyunwoo… I know you’re disappointed in me.”

“Babe, I’m not disappointed. What on Earth make you think I would be. I’m worry for you. You’re not eating, even when you are, you’re eating shitty food...” He motions to the bowl of soppy noodle with a disgusted face, shuffling just a bit closer. “...that and all the drinking. No more drinking.” His words trail off before your face was gingerly lifted by the soft pad of his index finger. With a smile, what comes next takes all your breath away and replaces it with discomfort.

“ Plus, if you’re not healthy, how are you going to fight for Hanbin? If you die before he sees you, what good will that do.” He breathes out so easily the sentence you dread with a soft smile.

“I don’t know if I want to fight anymore…” was what you wanted to say, instead against your better judgement, you hid the truth.

“I feel guilty because you’ve literally been the best angel ever, taking care of me. All I do is just go against your words. You have your own problems too, don’t worry about me too much.”

Your vision suddenly blur and your face covers by the strong bicep, nose fills with that musk cologne just as you remember. Your hands find themselves wove around his sturdy frame, rubbing the broad back, leeching for warmth. A near muted chuckle drops from his lips as he presses a kiss atop your hair. You were always a handsy person and he loved to tease you about it.

“It’s the least I can do after all the shit I put you through. You’re a good girl, you deserve all the happiness in the world. Don’t worry, Hanbin will understand your side soon enough.”

“You think so...” softly sighing, you lean into the comfort of a strong embrace. It’s really true what everyone says, you really don’t know what you’re missing until it’s gone. Something as simple as getting hugs were never a problem in the past. Even before holding the spot of being a significant other in your life, Hanbin had always been there to offer a supporting hug whenever life gets a bit too rough, too calamitous. As a boyfriend, Hanbin had always cling onto you like a koala with separation anxiety. Even when he was down in the deepest pit life had thrown him down, he would still welcome your touch with wide open arms, preferred it actually. There was never a second in your life in the 2 years you’ve been together that he didn’t have any sort of contact with your body. Now, your skin-ship hours restricted to 7:00-10:30, the only hours you’re able to see Hyunwoo.

“Hyunwoo...” you whisper, fingers digging deeper into the warmth he has to offer, immersing yourself in the comfort his loving self brought.

“Yes, babe.” He sighs at he softness in your voice, a small smile flashes across his lips reminiscing of all the time you both had in in this position before, although now, you feel a bit different resting in his arms.

“You know I never blamed you for how we ended things right? I loved you to the moon and back, still do. I was so so so happy for you even if all those hurtful words and all our fights said otherwise. I was so thankful. You gave me the best 3 years even when you had no money, no time for love. You gave me everything you got and I felt so loved. You made me feel like I’m worth the world. I hope you know that. Please don’t look at our past with regret. Please don’t blame yourself or feel guilty.”

“I know. I love you too and don’t you ever forget that. Even when no one else in this world will be there for you, just know I’m there no matter what. I will forever look at our love as one of the happiest time in my life. You taught me how to really love someone and how to live. I just hated that our relationship had to end in such a rush. If I could do it all over...”

“I’d still let you go. You’re too precious for me to keep hidden away from the world. Everybody needs to know who Son Hyunwoo is, and now everybody does.” You cut him off with a smile as his eyes crescent into a smile of his own.

“You’re worth this whole galaxy, babe. Trust me when I say Hanbin knows that too. If he didn’t, he could’ve blamed you for being in love with me. He could’ve gotten angry that you were sharing your heart with someone else but he didn’t. He took the hard way out so you could take another stab at true love. I’m not saying he’s right. I think it’s kinda stupid to be honest but he’s hurting too. I know the guy looks like he’s a tough cookie but behind that cold facade is a softie. You should know this side of him best. Don’t be mad at him. I know you hate him right now but just, look at his heart, not his actions. Do that for yourself. Letting yourself lost in the embrace of hatred will do you no good, got it?”

With a few pets of the cheek, he parts way, heading back to getting dinner ready. Staring at him now, you’re glad he found his way back into your life even if the love you both share wasn’t what it once was, you’re just glad.

“Oh, I know. Since you feel soooo guilty about making me worry, how ‘bout you be my therapist.”

“UUUGHHHH, Hyunwooo~ you still haven’t confess to her yet? How many time do I have to say it, she freaking loves you. Man, you’re such a wussy ass.”

“HEY, if my memory served correctly, I confessed to your whinny butt back then.”

“Uh, I went to your place after that fight, okay? Mr. Wuss, you were just sitting in front of your house like a loser waiting for me to show up. If you don’t ask her out soon, I’m gonna swoop in and ask her. Don’t cry then. You know i’m really convincing. Like reeeealllly convincing.” With a smirk, you wink smugly at him inciting a panic gasp out of the boy.

“Okay, okay. Stop will you. I don’t need you stealing my girl... I’ll ask her when we go to Japan.” A bright shade of red flushes over his tan cheeks, the shy smile lingering on those thick lips had you mesmerized over the past, over how lucky you were to once be able to love Hyunwoo.

“Seriously, Ella is your personal assistant. Personal, do you know what that means, ya dummy? That means you got all the time in the world, all the excuse in the world to call her up but you don’t. I don’t get it, honestly. I mean you come over here and I can feel the boyish teenage hormones radiating from you from a block away. Just like do one of those thing where you call her into your office pretending it’s business then like i don’t know, take her over your desk or something. That sends a strong signal.”

“YAH, Y/N. I don’t need you meddling in my sex life.” Even his tan skin couldn’t hide how brighter than a boiled lobster red he is at this moment. So flusters he stands there waving the kitchen knife around like a maniac. You cackle knowing those eyes all too well. He’s so completely head over heel for the girl that even God can’t change his mind now. If Hyunwoo is anything like he used to be, Ella was going to be in for a treat once the nervous boy works up enough gut to do anything.

“What? it worked with me... I mean if she hadn’t caught onto your dumbstruck face every time she walks by yet, she might just be as clueless as you are.”

“Not everyone is perverted like you, okay. God, I take it back. You’re a horrible therapist.”

You were so busy bickering with the moonstruck boy in the kitchen that you hadn’t notice the air lifting. A sense of hope fills your lungs as you feed off the young love of a couple that has yet to be, wondering what Hanbin might be doing at this moment. Perhaps you might be just as lucky in your own love venture. Perhaps one day you’ll be able to move on.

Despite daylight barely breaking, the hallway leading to the big boss office is already buzzing with talks. Three young men huddle near the small office just outside the big fearsome grand doors, recalling their rare sighting of the boss.

“I’m telling you, he’s not a mean person.”

One of his young assistant, Lily, defends her boss, knowing full well what had happened in that office just weeks ago. Through your many days and nights of visiting, you had became close friends with both of Hanbin’s assistant. They too, just like Hyunwoo, had spent countless night binge watched sad movies and cried with you on the couch. They offer the solace of understanding ears and benefits of girl nights in, something Hyunwoo couldn’t. The affection, the doting best friends aside, like the equal sign, they were the only two that knew both side of the equation, getting glimpses of both side without bias.

“I’m just saying, if he wasn’t then he is now. Ruthless at that.”

“Of course you guys would defend him. He favors you two. We low men on the totem pole are different. You should’ve seen his stare. Man, I thought I was gonna wet myself.”

The other young men chimes in, earning a big slap from Jane. If Lily was Hanbin’s right hand, Jane would be his left, both his trustful helps. Like understudy of a big broadway star, they hide in the shadow, offering support when his work becomes overwhelming. Before they could say anything else, with the ruffles of his jacket, a sudden chill emerges from the fading dawn, washes the young men away back to their office as drab follow the young boss’s steps. Lily and Jane share a depressing look as his condition hadn’t seemed to better. He rarely leaves his office. That contagious smile that used to never leave his face had vanished with your shadow that night. It was as though the business coursing through his blood got amplified. He became scary, distant and cold, insufferable.

“Morning, boss.”

The girls speak in unison, earning a weak smile from the fading life in his face, evidences of another sleepless night visible. He had remained more or less indifference to the friends of his ex-girl. “Ex”, the word still hurt unfathomably even if he was the one initiating the break up. Deep down, he wishes they would just update him on your condition but alas, they were too fearful of crossing the line to do so.

“Any updates?”

He waits, sanguines about their answers, hoping the girls would finally get the hidden meaning in his words. His heart screams for the girls to just say anything, mention your name, even one word about you but he knows better. One can hope.

“We updated your meeting schedule for next week, adding in new appointments and…”Jane voice trails off, her body jerk at the sudden prod of Lily’s finger. Ever so reluctant, she continues with a weak smile. “… and uhm, Y/n was here again last night… We told her you had left early and she said she’ll be back.”

He had suspected you asked them to keep news away from him. If there was one thing he learned from the years you had so graciously given him was that you never wished ill will upon anyone nor would you want to incite pain. Having the girls update him would just be a knife in his heart but little did you know, he goes to sleep every night hoping the next crack of dawn, Lily and Jane would say anything other than you were waiting.

He knew he had no right to ask about you but he craves for your attention. Ultimately, he just want to know if you were alright. When you suddenly started to wait for him in the parking lot two weeks ago, he was elated. He couldn’t believe what he had heard, you were waiting for him, just like you would every night before he went and threw everything you both built away. Forgoing his jacket, he had actually run 15 floors down to the lobby before reality kicks in. He had broken up with you for a reason. You had beg, you had cried but he had to be strong for the sake of your happiness. If he gives into your pleading now, it was all for naught. The pain he had put you through would be in vain, his sacrifice would be in vain so ignored you, he did.

The very first time he had to walk away from you in the parking lot was like walking through the gates of hell. The way your cute smile dropped into a frown, eyes glistened with a few tears like fire searing his skin, melting his inside. All he wanted was to embrace you and never let go but he got in his car and drove away, watching your small body walks into the distant from the rearview mirror. He spent much of that night in his car crying. In all honesty, it hadn’t gotten any easier. You always just wait, so patiently with a smile on your face whenever he’d try to sneak a look, never once forcing your way into his path. Even in the low light of the garage, you still look as lovely as ever. It reminds him so much of the daily moments in life you deemed too unexcitable for a globe trekker, CEO big shot as he is. He had always just love watching you. The little noise you’d make whenever you find a picture of a cute animal on the internet, the little hum to random tunes whenever you cook, the weird little dance you’d do when you clean the house. Most of all he loves the fact that no matter what or when, the second you realize he was looking, the most beautiful smile would bloomed on your lips making his heart flutter like the first time he realized he loves you. You never realized that with you, there was no such thing as “boring”. The darkest corner of his heart wishes you will continues to wait, then maybe one day, he’ll succumb to your love. However, he knows that’s not realistic from the increasing disappointment in your eyes with every night past that he gives no reaction. He knows soon enough, your exhausted heart will give way...

What the young boss hadn’t realize was his faithful assistants had once again entrust you with helping them a month after the break up. Fearing for his reputation, his health, they confirmed your worst nightmare…

He wasn’t fine.

They had begged you to come check on him but by this point, your inconsolable heart had turned bitter and hateful. Something about nightfall brings clarity to the disarray of your brain whether it be a report with approaching deadline or matters of the heart. One cold lonely night when both Hyunwoo and the girls were away on business trips, in a fury of alcohol and despondency, you decided to blame him for destroying your life, for leaving you. You wrestled with the thought of seeing the face of the person that had repeatedly stabbed you once again many nights before deciding you deserve closure. No, you needed closure.

Pulling the collar of your trench coat higher, you shield the coughs hiding in your cold chest away. Your path litters with flashing neon lights and matching couple shoes. Trekking down the lonely path of January, a small smile cracks on your dry lips at the joy on each couple’s faces, wishing them the best luck in the new year. Heartbreak is something no one should ever have to go through yet life is a but a cruel mistress, only ever kind to a selected fews when it comes to happiness. You, Hanbin, Hyunwoo are not among those lucky fews.

Bowing to the night guard, you silently pass through as he smile understandingly, knowing your nightly trip is now for very different reason. Your feet drive themselves onto the habitual path toward the small metal bench beside the entrance. Your breathless pant hadn’t fade away before the creak of the door could he heard. Ignoring the sharp stabs on your bruised chest you rise up from your spot, hopeful as ever that today will be the day he gives into your incessant present. Your eyes glue to the the familiar tall slender frame, handsome under the black peacoat he had worn on your anniversary.

He’s smiling.

For the first time since you take upon yourself to do these nightly trip, he wears joy proudly upon the sculpted face. You let your heart drowns itself in elation even if it’s just for a micro second, even if it’s just pretend. You were at one point embarrassed about the unprecedented level of obsession you had over his smile. You had thought it was such a strange thing to be so devoted about but you couldn’t help but be in love with the joyous expression. Having accidentally confessed your little secret to him one drunken night, you were mortified, readied to break up when he not only assuring you it was alright, he showed you how happy he was to have you be so utterly in love with him that even his simplest expression could swoon you. Unknowingly, you smile back even if his weren’t meant for you but wishful thinking has its power.

It wasn’t.

You were suddenly reminded of the wonderful birthday last year happy in Hanbin’s arms. You both found your plan of exploring Amsterdam foiled by the sudden changed in weather that made even winter in Antarctica feels like a walk in the park. You awoken to Hanbin with that sad puppy face you never quite learned how to resist. He had worked so hard on making the anniversary of the day his love was born even better than the spectacular rooftop dinner the year before. All his sorrow unexpectedly found themselves washed away with the rain as you pulled up two chair onto the the porch of the small home he had rented for the week. With two pipping hot tea mugs in your hand, you cracked a smile that stilled his vexing heart. You spent most of the afternoon giggling about the most random things, snuggling close to his chest to get a glimpse into his heart as he talked about your future together. Neither of you were sure of anything but a dog named Benji and a house with a big yard flourishing with flowers were a few things you both decided on. Tea gone and the sky still hadn’t stop showering Earth with its pristine clarity, you curled onto his lap stealing some warmth as you reached out, letting the rain drops danced along your skin. A different kind of raindrop now dances on your shaky hands, your happiness once again slips through the crack of your fingers, evaporating without a care for what it left behind in its wakes. The adorable giggle echoing through the parking garage, pushing its way into every crack of your heart, breaking it just a bit further. Your heart sinks, sinks so far down you were sure it was lost upon the stars, within a blackhole. Not a second later, like an angel, she floats across the concrete floor in a tight yet elegant dress, neat curls bounce with every click of her expensive heels. A silent tear streams down your frozen face as he wrap his coat around her small shoulders, the smile never left his face as his eyes gaze deep into hers lovingly. Defeated, you blend yourself into the background, watching, feeling like a fool for being hopeful.

Sharp pain sears through your chest as the coughs had fought its way into the cold night. You press a hand over your lips, suppressing the ugly onslaught of coughs and a choking sob, careful not to break the invisible shield you had decided to put up.

He had moved on…

Like a zombie, you wander aimlessly, bumping and pushing without care, letting yourself fade into the darkness. You were once the golden threads that hold his life together, woven light into his lonely days but now... She’s like a sky full of diamonds, illuminating his path with her brilliant, unachievable luminosity. All you can do now is to step away and accept the event unfolding even if you don’t understand. If you can’t give him happiness then the least you could do was to pave the path for him to move on, to say one last goodbye even if you don’t mean it. Tonight, you will cry one last time over Hanbin.

Coat wrinkled from the sleepless night, you found yourself once again walking the path of self-destruction except this time you breach the entrance. You let your spent legs carry you down the same old path that weren’t yours any longer. Disturbing the dull elevator music, the interface ping indicating you have arrived at the 15th floor. How funny just one night changes everything. Countless night you had spent staring at yourself in the mirror surface, making sure your outfit and make up on point to meet the man of your dream not thinking twice that one day, this short trip would feel like an eternity of pain as you journey it one last time. A second before the set of shiny cold metal doors part way, you let out a long sigh eyeing the emotionless, empty reflection of yourself staring back. One last time before you’re free. Even before you reach the small door aside his big ones, you could already hear the scream of hope, of longing joy that their prayers had been answered.

“Oh my god. You’re finally here… Thank God.” Gleeful, Jane pulls you by the arm, holding your windswept, unkempt body close. You’re abruptly acutely aware of how gross you must be, feeling guilty of letting them be near you in such a dishevel state.

“We were wondering when you’d come by. Wait here with us, it’s 7:00 now, he’ll be here soon you know.” Lily chimes in, exuberance oozes along with the small desire for Hanbin’s wellbeing. All they wish is for their two friends to once again be happily in love. More than once they had made it a point to thank you for making their boss the happiest they had seen him in a long while.

A dejected “I know” slips out, ending the cheerfulness in the girls’ faces. Pushing a white envelop in Lily’s hands, you sigh a soft smile.

“Give this to him will you? Tell him I said thank you and I won’t be bothering him any longer. Oh and that I’m sorry.”

“No, no, no. Y/n, you can give it to him yourself. Look just 15 minutes, he’ll be here. He called me like 5 minutes ago... He’ll be 10 minutes top. Come on, stay here with us. you know he wants to see you.”

“I can’t... I’m sorry. I decided I’m not going to cry over him anymore. It’s time I get to be selfish. I can’t keep up with this much longer.” You whisper as your heart clenches knowing none of the words really meant what it suppose to. Like a puppy in a toy store, you let your gaze ballets around the room not really able to focus on anything, fearful of the storm your eyes might bring if you look into the girls’ eyes.

Panic engulfs the young faces. They had thought you finally come and answer their prayer, be the savior their exhausted boss needed. With the small shake of the head, you bid goodbye before disappearing into the elevator. You have to get out of there, need to. You can’t bear seeing his face, look into his eyes because then, you don’t think you’ll be able to walk away. There was nothing left to hold you here, not when he had moved onto newer and better. Rushing away before the fatigue of meandering the city all night long sets in, you just have to get home.

Having given up on driving entirely from sheer fatigue, Hanbin sits silently in the spacious leather backseat of his company car, a folder in his hands. The same one he had read the first sentence of the first page for about 30 minutes now without really comprehending what the hell it was saying. All his thought immediate diverges to you, aching even more that he hadn’t seen you the night before. He absentmindedly flattening, smoothing the lapel of his jacket that somehow seems to still smell like you. He couldn’t quite remember when or where you had put this on but he remembers the how. He distinctly recalls the playful glint in your eyes as you swiftly pushed pass his body, body slightly hunching over hiding something in front of your stomach. He had chased after you, laughing as he called for you but of course you were never one to back down from a fight. You thrown the jacket on hastily and continued to run even when you knew he was so much faster. You had ran until he picked you off of the ground and tickled you until you cried. A small chuckle graces Hanbin with its presence. Something that was so bountiful when your shadow was still lurking. Now, it was rarer than sighting of unicorns. Like all good things in his life, the small happiness he gained from his reminiscing soon washed away as his face engulfs in sheer terror. He might never be able to hear you laugh, ever again. His smile falters and once again, he leans back onto the spacious leather backseat, rereading the first sentence of the first page.

Eyes longingly stare at the passing scenery, misery emanates from the way he sighs, every breath he takes. Fingers absentmindedly tracing out the curves of your name on the frost bitten window, he feels worse than usual, feeling so stupid for not checking if you had been sitting there waiting before leaving for dinner. He had been so wrapped up in the attention of his companion to notice. As the black luxury sedan bends around the curve of the parking’s entrance, his eyes latch onto your bench like a starving leech, imagining the small smile you’d display every time he comes into view. Letting his thought lost in the universe he whispers your name, wondering if you would come tonight.

Like magic, you materialize out of thin air at his summoning spell, looking perhaps a bit more worn than usual but as always, stunning. He observes the sharp breaths you take, the tired steps and feels his heart smashing. The small shivers, the unfocused eyes, the rubbing hands, something isn’t right... He can feel it. His eyes couldn’t strays away from your fast moving steps. He had sunken back down into the seat before giving into his gut. With a tap of the shoulder, he commands his driver to follow you down the empty street of morning, wishing you would just call a cab instead of traipsing in the cold all alone. What happens next turns his world upside down, giving him all the reason to never doubt his gut ever again. Leaning against the wall of the old convenience store, you clutch your chest in pain before collapsing onto the hard ground. Hanbin jets out of his car faster than a shooting star, holding your lifeless body close hoping to give you all his warmth.

“Baby, oh God. Baby, wake up. shit.”

Wasting no time, he carry you back into his car before it speeds off into the horizon. Never before in his life had he feel this frightful. Clutching your limp body in his lap, he gives himself no time to cry as sheer consternation shoot through every single vein in his body. Hands tracing out the cold features of your serene face, he couldn’t help but whispers your name desperately, hoping you’ll respond to the sound of his voice.

Waiting is painful as Hanbin vexingly paces the small hall way in front of the locked door that holds his entire life. Having been kicked out by the doctor for not letting go of your hand, he rages at his incompetent, powerless in every way. He has absolute control over every aspects of his life but standing here, hanging onto the smallest sound coming from the room, he feels vulnerable, defenseless. All the money in the world, all the juice he got and you’re still laying alone in the roomful of strangers. All he wish for is to be there when you open your eyes, to give you some solace.

After an hour, the rhythmic mechanic beeping of the your steady heartbeat did nothing to soothe Hanbin’s heavy heart. Looking at you laying there so still, endless tangles of wires coming out every which way, he feels so helpless. Anger rising, how could he had been so careless. He knew you were waiting in the cold but did nothing. Now… Now all he could do is sit here and stare at your expressionless face, with his hands tie behind his back, utterly useless.

Holding your small frail hand, he presses it to his lips, letting them trace out every wrinkle, every bend, down to the small mole on the back of your hand. There was never a need for him to memorize the ways of your hands as you were always gonna be there until his last breath on this planet. Now, he regrets not studying them with greater details.

“Baby, wake up. I’m here. I’m right here. Won’t you look at me? Y/n, I’m waiting for you right here. Come back to me, baby. We can talk till morning come, that’s what you want right? for me to listen to you?”

Words of a desperate man. Pathetic sobs soak your soft skin. He had so many chances, if only he had turn around. What good does staying strong do if you’re miserable. How stupid was he to think that ignoring you would be the solution. The sudden click of the door tears his eyes away from you just long enough to see the older gentleman in a white coat sauntering into the room.

“Mr. Kim, I wish I could say good to see you again in better circumstances.”

With a small smile, he nods for the gentleman to continue.

“She appears to have an acute case of pneumonia on top of physical exhaustion, and dehydration. Pneumonia on its own isn’t worrisome but her body is weak beyond just simple exhaustion. We had her on drip and antibiotic but…”

At the sudden pause, Hanbin eyes dilate in fear.

“But?”

“I haven’t seen pneumonia this severe in a long time. It seems she has been suffering from it for a little while now without getting treatment so I fear antibiotic won’t be enough.”

A hopeless “oh God” rips the silent of the room, weighing down the air even further. The worst scenarios run through his mind. He could live without you knowing that you’re happy even if it’s not with him. The thought of you completely vanishing off the face of the Earth is one he never wants to think of. What would he do. Surely he won’t be able to survive.

“You, you can help her right? Tell me she’ll get better.”

“My hope is for the high dose of antibiotic to work. My fear is that it will spread through her other organs or fluid build up in her lungs will complicate the situation.”

Hanbin’s jaw drops. The thought of his precious girl having to go through all these physical pain all alone kills him.

“If those situations arise, our last resort would be surgery. The upside is we’ve caught this and begin treatment. Although not out of hot water she’s very strong. The chance of death being an option is non-existent so we continue to monitor her. I suggest having her stay until fully recover as sometimes patient do relapse. Especially since the weather hadn’t been that great outside. If she catch another cold then we’ll be in very serious problem.”

“Do whatever you need to do. Money is not a problem. All I want is for her to wake up and be healthy.”

Nodding understandingly, the doctor excuses himself, giving back the privacy Hanbin needs. The hand that never left yours now move to brush your tangled hair gently, petting it delicately.

“Did you hear that, baby? You gotta be strong. Be a good girl and fight it. I’ll be here with you every step of the way. Do this for us, be strong for us.”

He thought about pressing a kiss onto your motionless lips. How satisfying would it be to finally kiss those lips he loves so much once again but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Not after all that he did. He sigh at the irony of it all. How he had wish you would stay by his side but fate granted his wish in the worst, most twisted way it could by having you in a coma.

Days passed and your hospital room is beginning to feel more like an office. The small coffee table, the couches, your side table all strewn with endless amount of documents and files. On the grey plush suede couch nearby lays an exhausted Hanbin, passed out cold with his glasses still on. He couldn’t bother to fuss with contact lenses, not when you need all his time. He trades in his suit for casual jeans and tshirt, curl up with his laptop still in his lap. The rhythmic beeping of your heart no longer visible to the second resident to this room, he had learn to drone the noise out by the 2nd night here. Jerking awake from the creak of the door, his eyes immediately grasp onto the bed in case you had woken up while he was asleep.

“Oh, morning mom. I thought Y/n woke up...” He sits up groggily, throwing his glasses carelessly aside to rub his eyes.

“My poor babies. I brought you home food, you need to stay healthy for her. We should really clean up the room too.” Hanbin’s mom whispers as she glances around the room. She couldn’t help but let out a few ‘tsk’ at the state of your hospital room that resemble the mess of her husband’s office an awful lot. Examining the small boxes, Hanbin’s attention once again on the creaking door as the older Mr. Kim arrived.

“How is she?” he says, voice laces with concern of a father. He had taken a liking to your spunk and will to work for everything you got. Before the relationship went south, many weekends you would spent sitting in the patio chatting about the mundane of life. He had never forgotten the joy in living a simple life even if they barely had enough to make rent. He often picked your brain about the simple things in life, the complication of wealth, and really just any random topics that came along.

“She’s responding to the medicine, which is good. No surgery needed any longer...”

“But?” His mom warily speaks up, fear rattles her usually poised and graceful tone.

“The doctors aren’t exactly sure why she won’t wake up...” His voice trails off, eyes tracing the lines of your face. No longer did your lungs require aid in breathing, the plentiful wiring was also taken away yet you refuse to open your eyes. Laying there like sleeping beauty, your prince Charming stumps at what else he could possibly do just to see you smile just one more time.

“What? then we’ll get better doctor, nicer hospital...” Mrs. Kim’s voice is near cracking now. She couldn’t help herself watching you laying there in such disturbing silent. In her eyes, you were never one to be still for long. Whether it be running around with her daughter or helping her in the kitchen, you were always on the move. The only time she had ever seen you in such a tranquil state was during your long talk with her husband, or the moments when you get so lost in the sight of Hanbin that you simply took a step back and admired his marvelous self. She knows in the state of your relationship with Hanbin now, neither of those things are longer plausible. Calls it mother’s intuition or whatever you may, she had always voiced her opinion strongly about keeping you around until her days in heaven. Tear brimming her long fluttering lashes, she sighs a regretful breath of how wrong she was and how much she wishes to be right.

“It won’t help, mama. The doctor, they said even though it’s irrational and there’s no proof, the human’s brain is complicated. This weird phenomenon, it’s often seen in terminal cancer patient, the- their will to fight gives them hope and that in turn affects the outcome of their treatment, even if it’s just by a little bit. Y/n, for whatever reason, they think she’s unwilling to wake up, that she wants to stay in her coma... Medically, she’s almost pristine. Emotionally...”

He sighs the sigh of that perhaps only world leaders would understand. Millions of thoughts run through his mind, worrying about the company, worrying about you.

“... I’m so scare. I have to leave for a business trip soon and.” he chokes on his words, images of worst case scenarios fumbling through his mind. For the first time since he was a kid, he parents witness his tears out of the pure fear of never getting you back. “and what if something happen when I’m gone.”

A firm hand grips onto his shaky shoulder, offering a few supporting squeeze. His mom holding onto your hands tightly, petting and caressing as if nudging your sleepy self toward the sunshine of Hanbin’s love.

“I’ll take care of the oversea trip, you hold down the fort here while I’m gone.”

“No, dad. She hates when I skip work because of her. The last thing I need is for her to be mad at me the second she wakes up.”

Father and son share a chuckle of the quirks that makes you so dear in their eyes. Although a man of few words, Mr. Kim shares with Hanbin a supporting look, telling his young inexperience son that everything will be alright. Mrs. Kim leans in pressing a small kiss to your forehead before taking her husband’s hand, eyes still lingering on your face, hopeful that you’d open your eyes any second now. Seeing his parents off, Hanbin returns to your bedside, praying to all the Gods for your safe return before packing up. Allowing himself a moment of selfish, he crawls under the cover to hold you close.

“Y/n ah, do you know how much I miss you? Everywhere I look, I just see glimpses of the past. I know I haven’t been good to you lately but please don’t punish yourself because of me.”

His voice weaken almost to a whisper at the possible reason why you’re still asleep. Pressing a big kiss onto your lips for the first time in almost 3 months, he feels your love coursing through his veins, reviving the dismal heart he had been neglecting.

“I love you so much and all I want is for you to be happy. You must hate me so much right now. That’s why you won’t wake up, right? Because in your dream, you don’t have to see the ugly betraying monster I’ve became. I’ve always admire how much faith and love you put in me. You gave me your life line to protect, to hold but instead I cut it in half. Trust me when I say that was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I thought I was going to die when I saw you cried, the disappointment in your empty stare when my assistant took you away... Just wake up, baby. All I want to do is making sure you’re healthy. After that, after that you can cuss at me, hit me, slap me, leave me. I don’t care what will happen to me, what will become of me. I just need to know that you’ll smile again, even if it’s not with me. I love you. Can you hear me? I love you, Y/n. All I want is for you to please, please stay with me but I know I lost that right so... Please, baby. Just wake up. Wake up and I promise I’ll do whatever you want me to. I love you so much.”

With one last lingering kiss to your forehead, he fasten a dainty shiny silver chain around your neck, hanging from it a worn gold band. Your worn gold band. Shedding the wrinkled, filled with crease from the strange sleeping positions on the couch sweater, he places it next to your head with a hopeful grin. Very early on in the relationship, you once timidly whispered to him your peculiar obsession over his scent. You didn’t know how or why but it always seems to calm you down no matter the situation. You had thought he’d stare or call you weird but instead, he pulls you close, pressing your face onto his chest, indulging you in your obsession that he doesn’t view as weird at all, not one bit. To him, these little quirks are what made you so you and so dear in his heart. He even took a long inhale, muttering something about always loving how your hair always smells like apple in response to calm your embarrassment about loving his scent. Ever since then, he made it a point to leave you his clothes whenever he has to leave for long business trip. He can only hope his sweater will act as a light, guiding you back to him.

Grudgingly walking away, a sudden intruding thought furrows his brow, his lips curl into a distasteful frown. Where the hell is Hyunwoo. Too lost in his thought, he closes the heavy door to give you some quietness from the bustling hallway, fails to notice the small twitches in your fingers.

Part 1: Just Go Part 3: Always Mine

#ikon #ikon scenarios #ikon hanbin #kim hanbin #hanbin scenarios #ikon b.i #b.i scenarios #hanbin imagines #ikon imagines

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