#i started a journal Five Years Ago when i was a baby in eighth grade

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

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#i started a journal Five Years Ago when i was a baby in eighth grade #ive kept up with it amazingly #im surprised because im just absolutely terrible at sticking with things #lately I've been getting worse at journaling #it's been getting more and more difficult #when i was younger i wrote about which boys i liked and how the school dance went #it was important at the time and I'm glad to have it #but now my entries have gotten more... therapeutic #of course i still write about how much i like my girlfriend and the times that i hung out with friends #but journaling has become my version of therapy #a way to get the important things out of my head and into somewhere where i could process them better #that's not always easy #recently something happened that i dont want to face or deal with #i know that i need to write about it and if i sit down in front of my journal im going to write #but its too difficult to write about right now #so im not writinf about the smaller things #like how my Christmas went and that my friend had surgery a couple of days ago #because im scared to face the journal and im scared to face the situation #how long can i keep pushing this down? #how long until it explodes out of me and destroys me for the foreseeable future? #i want to get it out of me so that it's out #but it's not a one and done deal. i can't just write it down and be finished with it #it's going to unlock feelings and memories and thoughts that i don't want to face #i don't want to face any of it!! it's to difficult and it shouldn't have happened but now it did and i have to deal with it #she always has the control. she can always swoop in and hurt me again. all i can do is wait for the bombs to drop and clean up the wreckage #for once i don't want to be stuck cleaning up these messes #thing is #i have no choice