#i think the post with most of my still mostly relevant hcs on his kidhood is in my jdisks tag

[oncehymned]

People pay attention to them now. Rather than feel glad about it, Julius feels sick, and nauseous, and a whole host of things that could have been worrying but really only just amounted to him not feeling like he’s enough. And then he feels guilty, because people are giving him their attention and instead of being thankful for it he’s feeling bad about it, and thinking ungratefully that he misses before.

Before, when his father was Mr. Bakur Sir instead of something immeasurable and vast that he has to measure up to anyway, when Julius was all but a ghost in the manor. When his mother was still alive, and he didn’t know how he wasn’t good enough. Not strong or brave enough to save anyone, too weak to do anything but run away and hide while people died.

At least, he thinks he knows why people didn’t like him before. He wasn’t doing enough. Not like his father. And he understands now, that their family has an obligation, a duty to help everyone else. He didn’t know, before, and not knowing had made it seem like he didn’t care, so it only made sense. All this time Julius has been wallowing in his loneliness and isolation, and that’s wrong, really. He’s been selfish and self-centred. You have to deserve acknowledgment. You have to work for it.

“We will,” he whispers in a hush, looking up. “Right?” Magnhild drapes herself over the crown of his head in the form of a margay, slips down onto his shoulder, then curls into the crook of his neck. She doesn’t say a word, even as her gaze flits momentarily over to the pristine casket at the head of the room. “It’s a promise,” he says. “We’ll be enough.”

Her form flickers. Julius swallows thickly past the lump in his throat, letting his words ring out in the empty room, void of life save for a seven year old boy and his soul.

“We have to be.”

#laughs nervously; #'mii what the hell' #'this daemon au is literally just an excuse to infodump your headcanons on us' #you know what? #you're absolutely right #if anyone needs a reminder: #julius was a bastard child and in my interpretation of things #ran into problems on the bisley's parents side of things #as far as actually uh. being #recognized as heir goes #at least for the first ~6 years or so before cornelia and bisley's marriage went through #bisley siring a kid at 14 pls keep it in ur pants #crap what were my tags again #drabble; #wip excerpt more like #v: { swift strike; } #{ j disks; } #i think the post with most of my still mostly relevant hcs on his kidhood is in my jdisks tag #under given and denied; #i'm sorry i've been working on this verse/oneshot a while and #would've vibrated out of my skin if i didn't post a wip somewhere #(as motivation to finish)