#i thought my asthma was acting up but no! in the past few hours ive been coughing a shitload and i have a headache

[clatterbane]

Hallelujah, they managed NOT to comprehensively fuck up my blood sugar again at that full anesthesia gastroscopy session today!

The dotted line section was when I was in the OR and recovery, with the sensor well out of Bluetooth range of my phone. They decided to put me on some glucose again in the IV because somebody thought it was running too low (?). Because hospitals. It was at a decent fasting level, and the chance of it not staying fairly stable during the short procedure was vanishingly low. From past experience.

But, at least I was not dealing with that same dangerously misinformed anesthesiologist, and they actually showed a little sense with it this time. My blood sugar stayed in range, and they didn't leave the glucose drip going for that long. The long-acting background insulin in my system was evidently enough to bring that shit back down after they stopped it. Also, nobody came at me today with random doses of long-acting insulin "to keep me from going hypoglycemic".

Kind of a low bar, but I was honestly pretty concerned after last month's shitshow.

Oh yes, and I also managed to avoid any asthma episodes from the inevitable tracheal tube irritation making me cough. Haven't been needing it otherwise for a good while now, but I preemptively started using the steroid inhaler again after that last appointment--specifically in hopes that it might calm that shit down. Which it did thankfully seem to.

Otherwise, it was more of the same. Rather pointlessly cooped up from 7:30 to around 1:30 on the outpatient surgery unit, in a funky button-up hospital nightshirt, with my troublesome-bendy autistic hyperactive-ADHD ass expected to stay put in a hospital bed other than popping to the bathroom. Which I resisted the urge to do more than a few times, just to move around and decompress a little in a private space. At least I did remember to bring a power bank along for my phone this time, because yeah you're liable to need it when that's the main distraction available over like 7 hours.

I am so done, and also still unsurprisingly pretty achy from spending so long stuck in that bed. Frequently changing positions or no. This new arrangement still really sucks ass compared to the relatively low-stress (very much including physically!) in-and-out visits straight through the endoscopy department that I was having before whoever decided to switch over to this new rigmarole.

But, the experience was still a lot less bad overall than either of the previous times I've gone through outpatient surgery. And at least everyone was acting decent. (Which seems to be the norm at that hospital so far.) Which is certainly worth something. I am also relieved to be able to eat better again once the sore throat calms down some, since it did decide to tighten up again enough to cause problems.

I am still extremely glad to have that done and over with for another month, however.

#personal #hospitals #medical stuff #gastroscopy #type 1 diabetes #esophageal stricture #swallowing bs #asthma

[harvestleaves]

When you breathe, I wanna be the air for you

Summary: Alex has a cold and it’s making his childhood asthma act up, his friends are worried about him, but he’s used to handling things on his own.

A/N: This fic takes place around season 3.  The song title is from the Bon Jovi song I’ll Be There For You.  There might be a second chapter or a sequel if enough people are interested.  @honeybee-babe​ enjoy!  You can also read this on Ao3 here.

Rating: G

Word Count: 1,423

He couldn’t breathe through his nose, and his head was throbbing.

That was the first thing Alex noticed when he woke up on a rainy Friday morning in early November on Meredith’s couch. He had a 48-hour shift ahead of him, though, and he didn’t have time to deal with it.

Pushing himself to his feet, Alex made his way to the bathroom with the duffle bag he brought, closing the door in Izzie’s face with a sly smirk as the blonde huffed at him.

“Come on, Alex! You’re gonna take forever in there!” she called through the door, causing Alex to roll his eyes in annoyance.

“Calm down, Iz, I’m just gonna take a quick shower and brush my teeth,” Alex yelled back hoarsely before he turned to the medicine cabinet, opening to search for some type of pain reliever or cold medicine.

Spotting some Tylenol, he quickly checked the expiration date, noting how it was almost outdated.  Shrugging, he shook two into his hand and swallowed the pills dry before he turned the water on in the shower to hot.

He stripped quickly as steam filled the room, hoping that the warm air would help clear his inflamed sinuses.

Alex made quick work of his shower and teeth brushing.  Finishing in the bathroom in under ten minutes before he went back into the hallway, a few coughs slipping past his lips when the cool air entered his lungs. A harsh contrast to the steam he was just in.

“That cough sounds bad. Are you okay?” Izzie asked as she reached out for his arm, frowning when Alex immediately moved away from her hand and passed her down the hallway.

“I’m fine. Just a throat tickle,” Alex explained, voice tight to keep from letting out another wheeze as he quickly made his way down the hall and back down to the kitchen for some coffee.  He wrinkled his nose, however, at the sight of Meredith and Derek kissing.

“It is way too early to see you two sucking face.”

“You don’t live here. Therefore, you can’t comment on it,” Meredith shot back with a grin as she pulled back from Derek. Her grin quickly disappeared when she took note of how pale Alex’s face was and how his shoulders seemed to heave with every breath he took.

“You look like shit. Are you hungover from last night?”

Meredith made her way over to where Alex was pouring a mug of coffee and reached out to press the back of her hand to his forehead.

“You’re a little warm. You’re also wheezing, and you sound congested. Are you sick?” she asked, scrunching her brows together in concern.

“I’m not hungover, and I’m not sick. It’s probably just my asthma from the weather change,” Alex lied easily as he tried pushing her hand off of his forehead with a glare.

“That’s still not good. I didn’t know you have asthma. Do you have an inhaler in your bag?” Meredith asked, glancing between Alex and the worn duffle bag on the counter, reaching for it carefully.

“Nope, it’s in my locker. It’s not a big deal though, I can breathe fine. It’s just a little wheeze, I’m still moving air, and this wheeze should go away once I get some coffee in me. The caffeine will be enough until I can take the meds,” Alex rolled his eyes as he looked at Meredith, giving Derek a pointed look to back him up.

Looking between his girlfriend and Alex, Derek sighed before his face softened as he looked over Alex.

“I’ve got to agree with Mer on this one. You sound awful,” Derek admitted.  Grabbing Meredith’s spare stethoscope from the kitchen table, Derek slid the tips into his ears and pressed the base to Alex’s back after warming it up.  “Take some deep breaths,” he stated firmly, leaving no room for argument from the younger male.

“This is ridiculous,” Alex rolled his eyes before he started to cough again, gripping the counter tightly. His chest was heaving when the fit was over as he tried to take a few deep breaths, Derek’s firm hand steadying him in place as the other listened to his lungs.

“Yeah, I don’t think your inhaler is really going to help at this point. I’m off this morning. I can go with Alex to the ER for a breathing treatment if you want to let Bailey know he won’t be on shift today.”

“D-don’t you think I should have a say in this?” Alex grumbled breathlessly as George and Izzie made their way into the kitchen for breakfast.

“What’s wrong with him?” George asked curiously as he glanced from Derek to Alex to Meredith, eyeing the stethoscope that Derek had looped back around his neck with a raised eyebrow.

“He’s sick. He was flushed and wheezing when I saw him after his shower in the hallway,” Izzie stated as she crossed her arms over her chest.  Not even feeling the slightest bit bad for ratting out her friend.

“And his asthma’s acting up on top of it all. Whatever he caught has clearly settled itself into his lungs. He needs a nebulizer and probably some IV steroids for the tightness in his chest,” Derek stated as he handed Alex over to Meredith so she could lead him to one of the chairs at the kitchen table before he finished preparing the mug of coffee for Alex.

“Sip on this until we’re all ready to go. It’s not as good as your inhaler, but it should hold you over for a little longer. Did you take anything for your fever?” Meredith asked as she took the mug from Derek and handed it to Alex.

“Why didn’t you say that you weren’t feeling well?” George frowned in concern as he brought his own mug up to his mouth, having thought that the four of them, plus Cristina, had become closer since their internship had started.

Alex simply shrugged as he stared at his coffee, no longer interested in the beverage as the other four seemed to all be staring at him.

“I took two Tylenol, but they expire next month, so they might not be very effective.  I didn’t want you all to worry, though. You all seem to like to coddle each other too much. I didn’t want or need to have you mother me,” Alex finally wheezed out as he ran a hand over his face in exhaustion, wincing when he tried to take a deep breath.

“Alex, you’re our friend. We’re always going to worry about you.  Whether you like it or not,” Izzie sighed softly as she placed her hands on his shoulders to try and work out the knots she was positive were there from his strained breathing.  “Now go put your shoes on so we can get you treated.”

Groaning, Alex shuffled to the living room to slip on his sneakers, sitting down on the couch when the tight feeling in his chest in his chest caused a wave of dizziness to fall over him.

Dropping his head to focus on catching his breath, Alex let out a shaky wheeze before he brought a hand up to his chest to rub at his sternum.

It was definitely getting harder for him to breathe, and though he’d never admit it to anyone.  He was scared.  He could deal with the bloodiest of surgeries at work, but asthma attacks always seemed to shake him to his core.  It was that childhood fear that still lingered within him that one day he’d have an attack by himself, with his inhaler unable to help and he would suffocate.  Alone.  How he had lived most of his life.

“Ready to go?”

Alex lifted his head to look up at Meredith as she crouched in front of him, her hand resting gently on his heaving shoulder as a sign of support.  I’m here for you.  Meredith was always great under pressure, though he could see a softness in her eyes that was typically only reserved for Derek, Cristina, and her patients.  In that order.  And even though he resented her for pitying him, for caring about him when he’d been nothing but an ass to them all.  There was just a small part of him that was thankful for having friends that seemed to genuinely care about his well-being.

“Y-yeah, I’m ready.”

And he was.  For whatever life threw at him, because his friends were always going to be there for him.

#grey's anatomy #grey's anatomy fanfic #greys anatomy #greys anatomy fanfic #alex karev #meredith grey #derek shepherd #izzie stevens #george omalley

[thatinnerfeirygoddessphoenix]

New moon, new me

I hope.

Ive decided to let the past stay in the past. To sacrifice it for a better future. When those thoughts and memories inevitably come to me I block it out. Don't give it my time. Because if I dont I will continue down the path of the crazy. Ive always attracted broken and messed up mental cases for friends. The outcasts and weirdos. Those desperate for comraderie.

I had few friends as a child. What I thought was shyness turned out to be social anxiety. Is it so wrong to be cautious about strangers? Especially when you've been told not to be so forward with people? Maybe I was even hurt by some stranger, but its so far back in my repressed memories I cant even remember.

Or maybe it was because i was a tall girl. A little chubby, I believed I was fat. I had asthma so i couldnt run or play like the other kids. Asthma attacks are a bit similar to panic attacks. Suddenly you cant breathe right. Perhaps it was a little bit of panic as well. Its easy to misdiagnose a kid. A poor kid.

So I was poor, fat, "lazy", too tall, socially awkward and loved learning and books more than doing cartwheels. Ive never learned how to do a cartwheel.

Needless to say Ive felt ostracized. So I started separating myself from others. Better to do it before they could, right? Make it seem like it was MY idea that I was alone. That I was the one who didnt like THEM. It progressed so eventually the other kids were afraid of me. This big, scary, mean looking girl whos favorite color was black and listened to metal. Sure, i kinda get it. I loved metal because it was my parents favorite genre. I looked up to my dad, who is a drummer, even though he was never there all the time.

Now he hounds me to have grandchildren. How can I politely explain to him that I dont want to end up a sad and lonely wreck of a mother because some ass decided to nut in me and leave?

I do realize now that Ive picked up my moms bad luck with dudes. Not believing you're worthy of someone so thats what they think too. Giving up before you start. Getting angry at them instead of evaluating yourself and how you could change.

Being healthy is so important if you really want that special someone enough. Mentally healthy. My family is as unhealthy as they come. I grew up thinking this was normal. No one ever talked things out or called anyone out. They just let whatever ills they had fester and rot inside of them. Usually the next day they acted like nothing happened. Life as usual. Better to let it go than rock the boat, but that meant that whatever wrong was never righted. The wrongful never learned just how shitty they could be.

It was all talking behind backs and complaining instead of confrontation. Like the ghost of my grampa was gonna swoop down and punish them for talking. I feel like he was the root of all the suffering they all endured. Bad people ruin lives. I can attest.

Lately, due to my emotional state, ive been such an asshole. So angry at the world for abandoning me. For abandoning itself.

Of course I dont hurt people the way he did. He seriously scarred them in a way NO child should EVER have to feel. I just lash out with my cutting words, or the lack thereof.

I run away, hide, from them when they need me. Become selfish as I try to nurse the pain I feel. The guilt over hurting them makes it worse. I want to hurt myself for it, but I promised myself that I would stop self harming.

At least I dont break my own oaths. I promised I would never do meth or heroin. Not since I saw what I could become. Since I saw a friend with huge potential turn into a stuttering unconscionable mess. I cant hurt myself anymore. Ive done terrible things to myself, because I couldnt handle the pain i felt inside.

My emotions have always been unusual. Intense. I can feel what others do, and when I feel my own, compounded with theirs, its too much to bear.

These promises Ive made have not stopped the rumors about me. I know my outward appearance and actions were... unusual. Incriminating? No, they failed to see the sad desperation of lovesickness. Of hating myself immensely because the guy I loved didnt love me back. Yet I lived with him. Made him my best friend. Made him my everything.

That was the biggest mistake. In the end I probably just hurt him. I wanted him to hurt so that he could feel even a FRACTION of what I was going through. I was unable to let it go. Hyper-focusing on every detail of him and me. We never left each others side...

That could have been part of it. It was so strange. He never told me he needed time away. Never tried to do stuff on his own. I gave him as much opportunity as possible. The strangest part was that I never needed a break from him, not until the end. I wanted to be by his side always. Me? I cant be with ANYONE for more than a few hours without having to be alone to recharge myself. It was like i finally found a battery amongst vampires.

What was I so upset about then? I felt like he WAS hiding something from me. I still have a feeling deep in the void of my chest, that he had something to say, but was too afraid to say it.

The part of me that loves him wanted him to admit he liked me too, but was too afraid of what people would say if we actually did get together. Social impairment.

I buried that down. So any hint of attraction ANYONE sent me I just... threw away. No, they cant think that. Im just kidding myself. Just false hopes. That wasnt real.

This is why i like straightforward people. Takes the second guessing right out of my head. So there is no room for my brain to tell me they could be lying or using me.

Im a new person. I dont like the idea of falling in love with anyone new. Love hurts too much. Love is hard. I still have him in my heart, but damn, I cant keep him in my head. I hope he does some good for himself. I hope he finds a better life.

I hope i do too. Gotta stop running around with someone else in my head because theres no room for my own thoughts.

I want to be able to create again. Can one still create after theyve been destroyed?