#i want to be the little animal in his lap that he pets nefariously while sitting in an ornate chair coming up with evil schemes. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

keelywolfe · 6 years

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Drabble: Amateur Villainy

Summary: This is why Edge needs to call before he comes home from work. Seriously, they invented cell phones just for this.

Notes: It makes my soul feel good to write these two all fluffy and sweet. So, warnings for two dorks who love each other. Part of by any other name. Also on AO3

~~*~~

Edge knew he should have called before he’d come home from work.

If he had called, he would have been prepared for the sight on his front lawn. As it was, he hadn’t planned on the unexpected joy of pulling into the driveway to discover sitting on the grass a haphazard circle that was Stretch and a group of the local children. He couldn’t hear them but whatever Stretch was telling them about, he was wildly animated, his hands moving excitedly. The children were watching with wide eyes, riveted.

Wonderful, he was starting a new cult to add to his twitter colony.

Edge considered, briefly, simply restarting the car and driving away but he hadn’t survived Underfell to give into cowardice now. He gathered his determination and got out, approaching Stretch and his minions cautiously. He couldn’t help but notice that all of them seemed decidedly more pink than could be considered normal, clothing and skin or bone alike stained. Ah, that was right, Stretch had gone in to do his science demonstration today. From the look of it, Edge was assuming he was going to get a politely worded letter in the mail asking him to prevent Stretch from doing it again.

He was wearing a t-shirt that Edge vaguely remembered him owning that said in bright letters scientists do it in the lab!; a child-friendly concept if there ever was one.

Lingering back a moment, he took in the worshipful looks of the children with no small amusement. Every time Stretch made new friends, be they Monsters or Humans, Edge had a childish, irrational urge to smugness. Yes, he wanted to say, you see now, all of you can see how wonderful he is.

And he loves me.

To be fair to the rest of the universe, it had taken Edge a little time to come to the same conclusion. More fool him.

As if sensing Edge was thinking soft thoughts about him, Stretch finally looked up and saw him and his eye lights brightened, lighting up. He lit up, and the sight still made a warm pulse go through Edge’s soul. A confirmation of love that Edge already knew...wait.

There was something small and furry in Stretch’s lap. Small, furry, and alive. Warning bells were going off and Edge went for nonchalant as he walked up to the impromptu lawn assembly.

“Hello, love,” he pressed a kiss to the top of Stretch’s skull, ignoring the various groans and disgusted sounds from the children. “What’s that you have?”

“oh, this?” Stretch said, all innocence. Edge wasn’t fooled, frowning at the ball of fluff as Stretch scooped it up and held it out. “it’s a guinea pig! his name is hamburger!”

...Hamburger? Of course it was. It never ceased to amaze Edge how similar Human and Monster children were.

“He’s mine!” Chimed in one of the beaming children. Edge nodded solemnly, eyeing it. Fluffy black and white mottled fur, its beady black eyes peered back at him. At least it had escaped whatever pinkening had affected Stretch and the children, and it seemed content to sit in Stretch’s cupped hands.

“isn’t he cute?” Stretch nuzzled the little creature and it made a soft, churring purr. “he just likes to sleep and eat little snacks and cuddle.”

“So what you’re saying is, you’ve found your spirit animal,” Edge said dryly.

Stretch’s look was both amused and withering. “haha.” He settled it back into his lap. “anyway, like i was saying once you have the mentos secured in the delivery device, if you want to achieve maximum geyser height, you should—"

A chill went thru Edge. “Wait. What are you telling them?”

“hmm?” Stretch said absently, petting the little creature snuggled into his lap. “i was telling them how to emulate a geyser with mentos and diet coke.”

Of course he was and all these little shits were listening intently. He could almost see the allowances being doled out at the little store on the corner and his peaceful weekend disappearing under an avalanche of angry Monster parents and their soda-drenched spawn.

Now seemed like an excellent time to stage an intervention. “I’m sorry, children, Stretch can’t play anymore today.”

“what?” Stretch looked up at him, bewildered. “yes, i can, i—hey!”

Edge avoided Stretch’s grabby hands and carefully deposited the guinea pig with its owner before pulling Stretch to his feet.

“but i…wait a second!”

Without a pause, Edge hoisted Stretch over his shoulder, ignoring the childish giggles around them and calling back, “Good night, kids.”

He carried his wriggling bundle into the house and didn’t pause until the door was closed behind them. Safely inside, he set Stretch on his feet, ignoring his pout, “you said spending time with the kids was a good thing! i was bonding!”

“You were creating a miniature league of super villains,” Edge shook his head and lightly touched Stretch’s cheekbone, where it was stained with a pinkish blotch. “Dare I ask why you are so colorful?”

“dare, dare,” Stretch grinned, “we made a kool-aid rocket launcher! the smoke got a little out of hand and, well, it was cherry.” He shrugged and gestured at his entire self. “it should fade out in a couple days.”

A kool-aid...it would seem his attempt to spare the neighborhood was in vain. Pained, Edge rubbed at his temples. “I thought you were going in to talk to them about how you teleport?”

“nah, that’s boring! rocket launchers are much cooler.”

A difficult point to argue, considering that Edge had never been fond of teleporting anyway. “Can I assume they’ve banned you from further demonstrations?”

“are you kidding?” Stretch grinned smugly. “they loved it!”

“And the teacher?”

“that’s who i meant! next time i’m going to show them some awesome chemical reactions.”

Edge couldn’t help a smile. At least he was getting out of the house. “Let’s focus on dinner for right now, Einstein, and you can tell me about your nefarious plots while we eat.”

“they aren't nefarious,” Stretch protested but he let Edge guide him into the kitchen with a hand at the small of his back. “...mostly. seriously, though, there’s some awesome chemical reactions you can do that are really simple but look so cool and--”

He let Stretch’s chatter wash over him. Nefarious or not, it brought a certain amount of peace and a wealth of affection to hear him so excited and eager.

“…by the way, i need a guinea pig. seriously, i really need one this time! did you see how cute it was? i mean, you need two actually, they get lonely on their own and…”

Well, it usually brought peace. “Tell me more about the chemical reactions,” Edge sighed, getting out a cutting board and made a mental note to add an alert to his phone. Call before he came home, check. He could use the extra time for his own nefarious plots.

-finis-

#spicyhoney #papcest #keelywolfe #us!papyrus #uf!papyrus #underswap #underfell #by any other name #I can't help it #they are my feel good babies

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