#i was expressing this to beatrice and lyss after scheduling an interview for a 9 to 5 yesterday

[rithmeres]

im not ready to commit to a job because i can’t shake the feeling that taking a full time position in ca means giving up on my dream of teaching abroad. i keep telling myself that’s not the case it doesn’t have to be permanent and if i keep trying i will eventually be able to teach in japan in a few years but it feels like a lie im telling myself just so i wont feel miserable abt not getting what i want

#i understand that there are times to let go of what you want and move on to something that's better for you in the long run #but im not ready for that yet #personal #the more of a life i build in this town the harder it will be to up and leave #i wanted to go teach right after i graduated but it’s been over a year and travel prospects are only getting bleaker #i was expressing this to beatrice and lyss after scheduling an interview for a 9 to 5 yesterday #in the benefits section of the job desc it said 'free workplace snacks' #so i made a joke abt giving up on my years-long dream for some free chips #and beatrice was like 'ok esau' #and it was just a joke but it got to me #like AM i settling?? am i giving up on what i want for the sake of what will benefit me in the short term?? is it right? #it's all well and good to want things and strive for them but there comes a point where certain things are simply unattainable #i do not think that is the case for me (yet) but i think i had incorrectly assumed that because this is the first time in my life #that i have truly WANTED something that it was a sign that i should pursue it (which is true) but the falsehood is that somehow #by merit of me wanting it so much and striving all i could -- that my desire would eventually be fulfilled #heichou voice give up on your dream and die #yes sir right away sir