#idk. seeing experimenting ppl even tho its a totally fair thing to do. and being jealous that they still go ahead and get attention | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

janzz · 5 years

Text

day 3: its 3:47am on day 4 and i forgot to write my daily post

really really really trying hard to make this a habit (just for april)

so fail but lol

here’s my post for today

i went to a yoga class tonight in santa clara and it was the yogi’s first time and she was so good omg!

not quite as good as my fave instructor of all time (the bae lauren at moxie yoga in sf)

but yeah kimberly at corepower santa clara square might make me a regular!

(which honestly is super great because i went to class with norma and it was awful LOL) (she played like hardcore edm at a chill class??) (to be fair it was also a level 2 class and i was struggling a little and kimberly’s class was a level 1....)

(oh i went to whole foods in the same plaza right after and ngl im starting to really enjoy just physically being in those fancy ass supermarkets. i went to a new to me nob hill after orangetheory surprisingly also in santa clara ----theyre just nice and clean and beautiful. however spending $45 to get way less stuff than a 99 ranch or something still feels way wrong. i got bananas cashew milk chia seed refill 18 brown eggs (anthony likes the brown ones idk) natural deodorant (cause native has been sucking hard) ginger tofu mushrooms orange juice fancy sprouted bread shredded cheese actually ok when i list that all out its a decent amount for whole foods. the stuff is just smaller yknow like the presliced white mushrooms were $1 for easily like 3 or so oz less)

anyway i find this funny because when i started dating anthony in 2015 he would go to nob hill markets and always claim it was his favorite market (because the chicken he would buy from there would never go bad etc). i thought he was like idk rich af -- to be fair he went to stanford 2x and has his masters and is 2 years older so yeah he is definitely more privileged than me. like i didnt have a preference for cage free brown eggs like i never had the money to spend the extra $1 or 2 on that shit when i was slaving at starbucks AND a second office job.

its really weird how money changes your life. its 2019 and i finally hit the 100k 6 figure mark. it’s honestly been a STRUGGLE to get here, but i’ve learned a lot along the way -- primarily that you HAVE to negotiate and generally just get paid more to improve your life. anyway yeah money doesn’t solve problems but it generally reduces your mental calories and makes things way more convenient.

before when i was poorer, i would have to go out of my way to make sure i was getting the cheapest shell gasoline in the area (still gotta have standards and not give into that arco bullshit). i would never go into whole foods or places like that because my dollar had to stretch further. whenever i would go out with friends before i’d have to be SUPER mindful of what i ordered and i would be EXTRA annoyed when you go out in a group and when splitting venmo people wouldnt pay the extra gratuity and i’d factor in me covering it because as a barista and server its bs when ppl dont tip well

now -- idgaf if i go out to eat a lot or splurge when im out w friends. dropping $50-$100 randomly cause something is on clearance at lululemon is not a big deal. im not anal about my boyfriend and i splitting everything exactly 5050 down the middle cause meh whatever i dont need to be given money back for like the minimal difference. if whole foods is convenient for me to go to after a workout ill go in without batting an eyelash.

it is weird tho being poor and then having money -- like ill go to lululemon but absolutely CANNOT buy anything full price. i still like watching movies but 99% of the time go on discount days cause spending $20 when i could spend $9 feels wrong. whenever i do basic things with my boyfriend, like going to the grocery store or mall, i’m most definitely the most cost conscious -- checking against the value per oz, whereas he just picks whatever and gives no thoughts to it (i think he makes like 240k a year thereabouts, definitely more than double but i dont know the specifics). i drive a 2015 toyota corolla le he drives a nicer but still affordable more luxury sedan hyundai sonata souped up with seat warmers navigation and he’s installed a dash cam and stuff. my car is definitely a commuter car that’s just one level up from the s basic model. when i htink about buying a new car i dont know if i could buy a lexus but yet i sometimes think about getting a tesla instead of a prius

another weird one is getting mad at myself for leaving reusable grocery bags LITERALLY in the trunk and then having to pay the $0.10 per bag. I’ve easily spent at least $15 on bags prob. Before i would be kicking myself hard cause i’d need to pinch pennies. another thing that ive noticed makes me feel “rich” is i can sustain my craft coffee/boba habit just fine and not give a fuck. before i got more mindful of it i htink my my coffee boba budget was like $100 a month. ive always loved craft coffee, but it has to be RIGHT if i was gonna spend $6. when i was living w my parents in san diego going to a new coffee shop and driving up to encinitas or whatever was like THE trip. now i get philz off my mobile app whenever i head out of class or if im feeling like it and its not that special

but yeah, im not rich by any means but it was huge to go from like $16 an hour at my office job/$15.70?? w/ benefits I think that was my starbucks shift supervisor rate/annual salaries of 20k ish to $39k at a law firm in downtown sac (grossly underpaid but at least rent was only $300 at a family friends) back to the law firm job up to $70k. there i got a raise at the same job from 70 to 80k and then 80k to 86.

THEN cause i was privileged enough to have been able to save money making more when i hated my job i just up and quit (i think i had like no more than 5k in savings at the time --it wouldve been more but i spent 3k on prk/lasik). anyway yeah i was lucky af and got a new job in a month -- and the offer for this job was 100k base, 10k bonus, some amount of stock (i still suck at this stuff) and a stupid amount of perks like $1000 gym reimbursement and basically free health insurance -- if i annualize all my pay+perks, assuming i get my full bonus, its prob like 120k.

so i have like 5x ed my income in 4 years since graduating from college.

the crazy part is people that were more privileged than me STARTED at 100k as new grads, including 401ks and what not. im lucky becuase i started mine back when i was 18 at starbucks.

income inequality and access to knowledge/resources has become something ive become more aware about and passionate about over time. me and my boyfriend clashed a lot earlier i think because we literally were in different planes of our lives and income levels. we’ve been together 3 years, but have known each other for 4. we broke up for 1 year in between -- and yeah ngl had i never improved myself or actually reached my income/earning potential we likely would not have gotten back together. additionally him supporting me when we got back together raised me out of not the poverty level but yeah we met and i made 39k. i took the plunge and moved out to sf for myself and lets be real for him too and made 70k which was a huge jump. and in a short 15 months or so i jumped again to 100k base.

im never gonna make as much as he does (men/women blah we can get into that) but yeah even having access to money adjacently is so powerful. anthony never outright gave me money and im too much of a hardass independent person that ive NEVER borrowed money from him, never intend to. i really vehemently despise the idea of free loading but because of him just being around yeah my life has been improved.

when we met in 2015 in our young 20s we were in our have fun phase. i was too poor to have gone to thiings like coachella or out to a concert. he got me into music and made it easy for me to experience because he’d buy the ticket, drinks, pick me up and pay for sf parking. i would likely get dinner ahead of time or something small and generally we would switch so if he got tickets one time i’d get them next. but he ALWAYS paid for drinks and lets be real the occasional not drinks :P he had introduced me to music in such a way that i was willing to drop $800 or so on coachella + car camping + take pto days even when we were broken up 10ish months or whatever it was the first time we dated but if you think about it he likely dropped at least 1k on me during those 10 months without batting an eye lash. i made 39k at the time working in downtown sacramento and he made 90k base (maybe 115k total comp) living in SF.

despite just basic things like me being immature for 23 -- a big reason i think we broke up at the time was the income level inequality. it was both our first jobs out of school (first job out of stanford grad for him, he immediately got his masters out of undergrad). i did a round of uc davis, community, uc davis.

he told me he was breaking up with me because when we met i had originally wanted to be a lawyer and then didnt end up pursuing that path and he saw it as a lack of ambition/drive. what he didnt see was general growing up and not having access to lawyers as i grew up, just me working at this really top tier A+ law firm and feeling out of place as an asian woman working with rich WASPs. me wearing pencil skirts and having major impostor syndrome. what he did end up seeing was an insecure version of myself in our relationship with me bending over backwards to make him happy.

when i moved to sf and made 70k it definitely was a huge ego boost to make that additional 30k, but to be real, here in sf and paying more rent than i was in sac and SD/just general living being expensive 70k wasnt that much. what it did for my confidence though was priceless (i was an ea to a ceo at a tech startup). i really grew into myself and was more confident in my abilities -- and honestly a lot of that was just getting older and knowing that i was good at things, bad at certain things and i wasnt going through my quarterlife/post grad crisis anymore.

then those raises to 80k and 86k made me more ballsy. these things were obvi practiced with anthony as i had a partner to discuss and practice with/an educated thought partner. at this time anthony was making $150k base or so (after realizing he had been grossly underpaid as a PM for the 90k initial salary)

all of this set me up to basically make my position what it is now AND for it to be 100k. tbh im a glorified low level coordinator at a big company. i honest to goodness for the first three months probably worked a total of 2ish hours a day? this role should probably max out at 90k. and by max out i mean this role likely shouldve started at 75k with incremental raises to get to 90 in like 3 years. i STARTED at 100 and can likely if i play my cards right be promoted to a program manager in a year (or less). that’ll prob bump me to a base of 120 or so if i’m aggressive.

i always shitted on sf when i moved here because i hate the tech bros, the elitist ppl, the vcs who think theyre out here changing the world but seriously being surrounded by people that went to ivy leagues or the UC’s that were better than mine have honestly, like my boyfriend, just uplifted my status. something as small as casual lunch time conversation being more intellectual makes a huge difference for me re: how stimulated i feel and how much more energized ive become because of ppl around me. i def still have impostor syndrome all the time but its been so much growth from 23 to 27.

30s should be great because ill be well into my career by then and making even more and closing the gap even more w my boyfriend. its funny too cause hes 29 now AND FINALLY getting that postgrad quarter life crisis. his privilege was able to offset him to have this crisis later on in life where he made more money and could make smarter choices. privilege really is the thing that keeps on giving and im grateful to have started poor and really appreciate it. as i make more money i also care more and more to give back. if i ever do run for office in my 50s or whatever im gonna push for more access to education and arts. i had an interest in this as an undergrad but couldnt pursue it because itd be a lifetime of poverty, but yeah who knows.

dang this went long but it is really interesting when i think about money and how much its effected me. im lucky i was able to raise myself out of the level my immigrant parents brought me and my sister to. them moving out of the philippines was the best thing that ever happened to me. the second is them fronting the bill for my university education. the privilege i have is extremely special and important and i want to honor their sacrifices because im sitting on a 100k because of decades of hard work and frugality on their ends.

im fucking lucky.

we gotta pass on the resources and uplift those around us if we are fortunate.

...another rant altogether but i wish the leadership in the United States thought the same way.

(end: 4:36am, why do i do this to myself)

0 notes