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inkstainedfanfics · 6 years

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End of the Year Fic Rec!

I started this blog in like March or April of this year, and since then, I’ve written plenty, but I’ve also read tons of work by others. So I decided to take a moment and just list some of my favorite fics/drabbles/one-shots I’ve read this year from the lovely people that take time to write stories for everyone.

I sorted them by fandom, and listed the author only once. So if there’s a few fics that follow an author, then they are written by that author until you see a different username! I hope you all check out and enjoy these stories as much as I do, and send comments to them if you do!

If you’re on this list, thank you so much for taking the time to write your stories. They’ve helped make my days better and have made me smile countless times. Thank you so much, I hope you have a lovely 2018 :)

And if anyone has any other recs, feel free to reblog and add them on. Authors deserve some love, and starting the new year off by giving them some appreciation can’t hurt!

FANTASTIC BEASTS

White Lace - @fantasticnewtimagines: A Prince!Newt AU. Need I say more? Probably not but I will bc this series is wonderful. 2 parts are out, and I’m already shipping Newt x Reader. He’s so sweet but impatient with his role in the world and I just adore him and his interactions with Theseus so much.

Breakfast in Bed: Newt x Reader fluff. Pure fluff that is beautifully described with an adorable guest appearance by the disgusted Pickett.

Come Back: Newt x Reader. 3 recs in and I’m already recommending angst. Fitting. But honestly this fic will break your heart. Mentions of blood so don’t read if you’re squeamish about that I guess but otherwise, I promise you will not regret reading this fic. It’s heart wrenching and gorgeous.

Magical Office - @drdanwrites: The Office crosses Fbawtft. This series is hilarious and moving and a lovely combination of the popular show and the popular movie. I love the characterizations within this, and plenty of the jokes have legit made me laugh. It’s the right balance of goofy with dramatic and I’m hanging on every update.

Too Late - @scamanderson: Newt Angst. Shoot man I’m a sucker for the ‘tries to return to find out the other has moved on, awkward reunion’ trope (v. specific Ik lol) and this fic perfectly captures that idea. It’s sad, depicting the emotions of lost love and anger and regret as well as I think is possible.

HARRY POTTER

Well, Hello There - @losers-witch: Remus Lupin x Reader. Sassy Reader gives me life tbh. “What’s a pretty young thing like you, doing in a bar like this?” “Ignoring you” I love it. + Protective, Confident Remus, something I miss in fics. + it mentions his scars in no way in a negative light, something I really like. + it’s a super cute story that has a chance meeting oooo. Go read it, seriously. You won’t regret it.

Mine: Draco x Reader. Tbh I normally don’t read Draco fics bc they don’t always characterize him like I expect, but this one is different (along with all the other ones she writes about him). He’s sweet in his own, Draco specific way. I like how it tracks the relationship growth in separate times and how we watch them grow together and apart as we read. and it has another confident Reader ahhhhh. I’ve reread it multiple times, also something I rarely do.

Welcome Back - @drdanwrites: Cedric Diggory x Reader. I honestly cannot read this around other people. I flail and can’t stop smiling it’s so dang cute. I love it more than anything. My boy Cedric is horribly underrepresented, and this is a wonderful cure to that. He’s so sweet about how much he loves his S/O and how he misses her when she’s gone and when he’s in the taxi on the way to pick her up??????? You should totally read this if you want your heart to grow like the Grinch’s.

The Climb: Cedric Diggory x Reader. I can’t even with this. It’s beautiful. He’s sweet and cute and you watch the relationship unfold and then there’s a kiss that I will never be over it’s so well written and honestly if you love Cedric and haven’t read this fic, you’re missing out.

You Are My Happiness: Seamus Finnegan Soulmate AU. Another boy that’s totally underrepresented. I haven’t read any other fics for him, so finding this was a miracle. The friendship between the two is adorable and seeing the two’s thoughts about each other is flipping adorable idk. You should 100% read this to make your day better.

CRIMINAL MINDS

Gingerbread - @bookofreid: Spencer Reid x Reader. Soooooooo sweet. The final sentence gets me. Spencer’s so adorable and I love him and this drabble only fuels that love further and further. I still swoon and “awwwww” even after reading it at least six times. Short and sweet and worth your time 1000 times over.

Christmas Cheer: Spencer Reid x Reader. For some reason the line “Christmas with the Reids” gets me. This one involves Derek. Another short and sweet story that I love. The author has tons of shorter ones like this and Gingerbread, and I’m slowly but surely making my way through the list. The author has a wonderful grasp on the voice of the characters, and not once have I felt they said something ooc. Definitely check out and (I recommend) follow bookofreid bc the blog’s pretty great too.

The Ramblings of an Introvert: Spencer Reid x Reader. Okay, I’m a few parts into this 7 part series, but it’s gorgeous. It captures Reid’s voice really well, and I like the idea of him writing letters since that’s actually addressed in the show as something he would do. It’s an interesting way to relay his feelings, and I think the author executes it really well. The language use is exactly how I think Spencer would write, and the expression of his emotions is well done. Really lovely story that I’m certain I’ll be rereading in a while.

We All Fall Down - @criminal-minds-fanfiction: Spencer Reid angst. Another series that I’m only a few parts into. Honestly, I don’t read long series often, and I believe this one is over 20, but I read the 1st part and I had to continue on. The writing is descriptive enough that you get the scene but aren’t overloaded with details. It’s extremely engaging and sets up a story with a hook better than almost any other fic I’ve read. It also involves an intriguing relationship between Spencer and Reader, one that keeps you guessing and reading. Plus Will makes an appearance and I live for his accent and sweet attitude.

MARVEL

Night Out - @wolflhards: Clint Barton x Reader. All right, this is my only Marvel entry bc I don’t really read for the characters EXCEPT Clint and I’ve found very, very few Clint stories *sobs*. I like this one though for how mischievous Clint is in the beginning. I think it really captures him. Then he’s sweet and goofy and ahhh so many emotions bc I love Clint so much. + a Corvette is involved, an undeniable plus. + THE END if you love Clint you’ll die. It’s such a wonderful last couple of paragraphs there to tie up a beautiful story.

SUPERNATURAL

Dean Checking In - @supernaturalfreewill: Dean x Reader. Super short, a drabble, but still super cute. We get to see how Dean and Reader text, and then Dean smiles and I love that and Idk man I don’t have super in depth ideas for this, it just made me smile and swoon and I figure everyone should have the chance to read it and have that reaction.

Protective Dean: Dean x Reader. Another super short drabble but I have a thing for Protective!Boy fics, so this one is a favorite of mine. Dean’s so dang swoonworthy help.

Dean Sees You in a Towel: Dean x Reader. Dean’s so startled and he starts stammering and he’s showing his dorky, embarrassed side. Such a cute glimpse into a small situation.

Shut Up and Dance: Dean x Reader. They meet at a wedding Dean crashes, and the chemistry is amazing. I adore the dialogue in this, and could only ever wish to write Dean this well. Perfectly captures him and how he acts, and sets up a beautiful meeting that I just want to continue to read. Plus the ending is so gosh dang cute you’ll never get over it. Dean’s met his match :D

Impact - @kaz2y5-imagines: Dean x Reader. I will never be over this fic. I think about it all the time. It’s haunting, and Dean’s reaction to the crash has me swooning. He cares SO MUCH for the Reader, evident in his begging for Reader to return. And the end. Ugh. I love this fic so much. One of my favorite Dean fics I’ve read ever.

DRAGON AGE

What You Did was Stupid - @jawsandbones: FenHawke. Okay, jaw is my go-to Fenhawke/ZevxWarden author bc all the works are beautiful. The author’s writing style is like the opposite of mine with short sentences and concise descriptions, but I’m jealous bc it’s so wonderfully done. A master of writing, I read everything that’s posted. This drabble in particular broke my heart. I requested it, and didn’t expect to literally tear up, but I did and now I’m here, recommending it to you all so you can have your heart shattered into millions of tiny pieces. It’s worth it, though, for the beauty of the tale and the tenderness of the emotions.

I Care About You: FenHawke. I don’t normally like fics that include mage!Hawke bc I always play as a rogue, which is fine, obv, authors can write what they want, I just usually scroll past it. But I didn’t scroll past this one, and thankfully so. It depicts a moment, one that is held out, one of terror meeting calm, need meeting warmth, worry finding a hand to help. I just love it. It’s short like the one above, but still rich with emotions and tentative, uncertain feelings that plague the beginning stages of a relationship. Idk I just love it. Highly recommend checking out her other works.

All in a Name - @kierarutherford: Cullen Rutherford x Inquisitor Baseball!AU on AO3. I don’t like baseball, but I’m partway into this series and I love it. I really enjoy how various characters have been included and written while Cullen’s still the focal point. Diana is independent and tough, but not obnoxiously so. I haven’t finished it yet, but the pieces I’ve read are interesting, the details really well described. I can always hear/see the scene vividly. The author’s super talented and wrote tons of stories this year, and I think y’all should check her works out bc they’re awesome.

#fic rec #not mine #happy new year everyone!!!!!!#Hope you're all staying safe and having a nice time!#I highly recommend checking out these fics and talking to the authors #they're all super kind!#and talented lol

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diaryofanormalkid · 5 years

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So many ppl at work have crushes on me and I’m picking up on it all... 😩🙄

Coworker 1 (let’s just call it beef tings?)

My coworker who I originally had beef with... I’m pretty sure he is attracted to me. Bc he acts so different around me now. Like before, we NEVER talked (but it was his fault).

I was always super civil and casual, would be respectful and try to say hi, but he’d always swerve me off or like pretend he didn’t hear me or ignore me.

I was convinced for the longest time he was deaf/hard of hearing. So then I started becoming louder and waving at him, but even then sometimes it was a lost cause.

But we very sloooowly started becoming more comfortable around each other and forming ways to say hi to each other swiftly but without it being awkward.

And I was honestly over trying to build any form or relationship with him at all, I gave him so many chances, over and over, and just decided one day I’m gonna leave it alone.

He had to know, I was civil/willing to be nice. So it wasn’t like I was the one who had the problem, I always tried to make convo etc. He was the standoff-ish one in this case.

But now... it’s sooo opposite. And it’s all because we started playing this tagging game at work. I already briefly told y’all about it before, but essentially it’s like tag.

And every time it’s him and I there at work, he tries to make any excuse to come close to me or touch me. I’m telling you, this game has become the root of alll our convos lately.

Like it’s been going on for months, this one game of cheese touch. And the times he’s it, it’s like he intentionally tries to tag me and no one else. He acts so different than how he did before.

So when he’s in my personal space, I get so alert and cautious bc IK it’s the most likely the game he’s playing. But it’s the times when he doesn’t have it and still lingers near me 🤔

Like what is he on? How come he does that? I’ll always ask him, “why are you acting so weird? You’re too close.” In a joking manner even though I 100% mean the words I say.

He’s really tripping though, bc before, he wouldn’t be caught DEAD doing any of this to me. And now he’s even maintaining eye contact for LONG periods of time... it’s so crazy.

Okay so confession. I’ve made plenty of other posts about this coworker before, however many of them just say different titles bc I’ve gone through the MOTIONS with this kid.

He’s been called the manager’s kid on here, my lazy coworkers, but most embarrassingly, I even once called him: my cute coworker. Once upon a time though 🙄

That was when I was new and had no idea how weird this kid was gonna act the whole time I’ve been working here. So cut me some slack, cute/attractive does not mean bf material. AT ALL.

Hear me out though, he IS pretty easy on the eyes. But like, that’s about it. I’m not into him at all. He’s just starting to get me nervous bc it seems like he’s showing signs he likes me??

And I always doubt myself and say maybe I’m just overthinking it and reading in too much on all his body language and actions/energy. Or maybe he is with me?!?!

Because I’ve always been nice, and I’ve always been nice to him, but idk if he’s just now finally realizing that and is now on the receiving end because he finally talks to me?

Either way, I don’t know how I feel about it. My mom always suspected before that maybe he never spoke to me bc he was attracted to me, in which I would immediately respond “nah.”

But now it’s starting to feel like she was right... but i don’t want to think too much about it, it’s not that serious. But also, it bothers me bc I am attracted to him, just not further.

Now it’s like because we both actually hold eye contact, it’s intense bc I am attracted and I don’t people to pick up on that energy from me. The way he looked at me today...

There were actually plenty of looks today. And sometimes I can’t help myself from smiling/blushing. The only reason I can claim it’s a smile is because I’m black...

But otherwise, it’s hard for me to mask my attraction with this sudden reciprocation of him interacting with me. The thing that keeps me grounded is his personality tbh.

Because he’s lazy, inconsiderate, entitled, selfish, probably vain. So it’s a good balance for me, it keeps me focused on NOT letting looks get the better of me.

Speaking of though. He has recently been getting haircuts so much more frequently, and he put in earrings and I didn’t even know he had his ears pierced?!

One of the times I remember he was wearing HEAVY cologne (ngl it smelt good) and mind you, it’s a scent-free Hospital, so I really wanted to ask WHO are you trying to impress?

Bc it couldn’t be me! That day, I just remember how obnoxious he was. He kept walking by, SUPER close to me. As if he expected me to comment on his scent or something 😩💀

Since I knew what he was doing, I definitely was not going to do that. Also, another day, actually two times before he’s done this, he would just come in to work on his days off????!

And I’m like, “okay you seriously don’t have anything better to do but come into work? For what? For WHO?” Like when I asked why he’s here both times, he said “to get food.”

And I’m like????? To get food my ass! He could’ve gone ANYWHERE to get food if he didn’t have it at home and yet he stopped by the cafetaria to eat trashy food 🤔👀

So yeah that was hella sus to me. But idk, lately he’s just been looking hella fine and 😭 it makes me wanna vomit bc this is so uncharacteristic of me to be talking about him like this.

He doesn’t deserve all of my words tbh. It’s just I’m so into the glow up recently. Every time I see him now, he looks too good. Like yesterday for example.

First of all, when he came in the cafetaria he kinda sorta just popped in out of nowhere and he seriously scared me, specifically because I think he had the cheese touch yesterday.

So I jumped up and was like “you scared me!” With my eyes bulging, holding my chest. And then I asked him “why are you here?” And began to cross my fingers so I was immune from the cheese touch.

He began to mumble, as he always does, so I definitely didn’t catch any of what he said except for “my dad...” but eventually I was able to see for myself why he was here.

He came to fill the vending machines. So he came, but he was out of uniform. And that was probably the first time I’d seen him in clothes aside from uniform or sweats in... ever 🤔

So I was taken aback and digging it. Like I def was feeling the look, I was disgusted with myself bc he doesn’t deserve that attention from me, but on here I’ll be honest at least 🙄

Anyways so our interactions were very... idk. Like he seemed like he was TRYING to get some sort of reaction out of me coming in here like that. And I wasn’t having it.

So I didn’t give him one. LOL. But when he was almost done filling the vending machine, he asked my coworker first if she wanted anything and gave it to her.

Then he asked me if I wanted anything, and I said no! Looool. Like very intentionally said no. Even though I could’ve had whatever I wanted before he closed it.

Like I just don’t want him to get ANY ideas or give him any reason to believe I like him, so I just said no. He showed the tiniest hint of... what rejection?

Good. But in so many moments when I catch him saying my name, I like half wanna melt, half wanna cringe bc it’s so weird to hear from his mouth.

And especially like with our past, it’s too weird for me to hear him say my name without me thinking anything of it bc now I’m like “that must’ve been intentional 👀”

Like what is he doing? Idk I am just calculating everything, and all the signs put together tell me that he likes me 🤷🏿‍♀️ he can deny it/say otherwise, but it just feels true.

So obvs for a large part of me, that doesn’t sit right. I’ve been mistreated by him and his family so many times. I’ve also, had SOME nice things done by them...

But he doesn’t deserve that kind of attention from me, as well as he’s not a fit for me anyways and he should know better, I’m not a fit for him either.

However, a small part of me kinda melts at the fact that he might like me. And is also, hella confused bc I don’t know many redeeming qualities that I have to make him like me?

Well I do, but I wouldn’t think those would be things HE would find attractive/make him like me, which I why I find it hard to believe that my mom’s theory of him liking me might be true?

Anyways, when you have low self esteem for a long time and are just now finding self confidence, it’s a little bit tricky when you realize ppl actually DO like you.

But there, that’s the tea that’s been going on at work with HIM. There’s much more but for fear of making this post any longer, ima just wrap it up here 🙄 I’m annoying gosh.

Idk if that’s the case here, or if it’s just unbelievable coming from the past we had that he could ever like me in that way. Maybe find me attractive? But even that’s hard to believe.

#crush?#coworker #coworkers #crushes #personal.#personal #dear diary #diary

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shecapturedfeeling · 5 years

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dude. ok. this is exactly what I mean.

back when the trailer for bohemian rhapsody first came out, I was super excited and just made a random post on social media saying “someone come watch this with me it looks so good.” I didnt rlly get any response but it was fine bc I just wanted to express my excitement.

then the movie comes out, and one of my rlly good guy friends works at the theatre so he can bring friends in for free. I literally listen to this guy rant all the time and we’re rlly close, so im like, he probably wouldn't mind doing me a favor and bringing me in since this movie just means a lot to me, right? but he ends up not having any time and finally I just felt so bad about bothering him so much about it that I stopped asking.

so then one weekend he ends up going to see the movie with a bunch of guy friends (some of which are my friends too). and I was out of town and I was like...wow. I mean ik he didnt purposely go just bc I wasn't there and that was prolly his free weekend and I happened to not be home but whatever. I wasn't rlly sad about him not bringing me, I was sad about not getting to see the movie. also, that group never did get to see the movie bc the theatre was filled up so they ended up watching something else.

anyway, one of the guys in that group is my best friends boyfriend. I basically set them up, since this guy (who's also my friend) had a crush on her and came up to me and I literally stayed up all night for 2+ weeks during the summer and spent so many hours just giving advice. I literally TOLD him the things to say and text to her. I gave him the idea for getting her a blanket for her birthday, forcing me to come up with another idea for my own gift for her. he used MY reasoning for the gift to explain why he got it, and she treats this blanket like its her favorite object. I was the one who ordered the present online for him, because he asked me to, because he didnt want his mom to question it. Even though it meant my mom asked me why I was spending so much money on her gifts. even though I had to go through the effort and I had to wrap the present and bring it to school.

so after they went to watch the movie (but ended up watching something else), my friend is all “I want to watch bohemian rhapsody!!” which is so FUNNY bc every time I mentioned it before she’d roll her eyes and act annoyed and she NEVER listened to queen or expressed a modicum of interest before then, never sang along to bohemian rhapsody with the rest of us. but ok.

a few months later, bohemian rhapsody is out of theatres. the guys did end up seeing it, and they’re all obsessed with queen now, even though before half of them didnt know anything about them. its fine bc this is true of like half the teenage population who now professes to be huge fans of queen. I mean like, its fine, queen deserves it. and now there's people to discuss queen with so yay I guess. I never did get to see it in theatres which was sad, but I knew I could just find it online although it wouldn't be the same experience.

so then there’s another of my really good friends, a beautiful, talented, nice, perfect friend whom everyone likes. one of our guy friends who went to see the movie had a giant crush on her. I was the first person he told and he said not to tell anyone else so I didnt, but then he ended up telling a billion people and the situation got out of hand and uncomfortable for the girl, and I sat there giving him endless advice. (I also gave him advice during the times the three of us--sometimes 4, when the movie theatre friend was there--were face timing about the blanket guy trying to date my best friend.) I’ve had so many late night chats with this guy, talking to him, listening to his rants, spent so many hours trying to convince him to go to prom and ask this perfect friend to prom. I helped him with his promposal, came up with the majority of the logistics for his promposal, and stayed up with him while he made it. he’s sent me personal thoughts he hasn't shared with anyone else. I also comforted him when he lost someone recently and he said “thanks for being a really good friend and always being there for me” and after that has proceeded to treat me worse than he treats this perfect girl and my best friend. like, he’s always there to comfort my best friend, he always responds to her messages and addresses her in group chats. same with the perfect friend, he wants to go to her dance recital and stuff and is trying to persuade others to go too. I mean, I can understand it, bc not only are they both really pretty and accomplished, thus deserving of appreciation and kindness and friendship, he actually has reason to like them bc ofc he had a crush on this perfect friend and my best friend is HIS best friend’s girlfriend. but still, he’s been one of the few people to say that im a good friend so I thought he actually appreciated having me there as a friend and I kinda expected him to treat me as well as he treats them?? but guess not. and this perfect friend, I love her, and she's so nice to me, and were closer than I am with a lot of other people in our friend group. we have classes together and we can rant about stuff and I dont have to act like everythings fine around her (although Ive never expressed my actual sadness and depression to her bc her life is just so perfect, so she doesn’t actually know anything beyond the surface, but what I mean is that we can actually talk about deeper issues about the world and stuff). I love her but she is SO concerned with image and reputation. she never speaks up against people. in classes ive had to go up and talk to the teacher to ask questions for my friend. she’ll never say anything. and it sucks bc when we’re with others, she’ll put them before me. like suddenly they’ll all tease or laugh at me, im sure out of a good place, but it still sucks. she’ll team up with the guys, trying to gain their approval (they all love her anyway, so its really unnecessary). the other day our group chat decided to play evil apples, and the first round she won and I was second before the 2 guys, and in the second round one of the guys won and she was 2nd and I was 3rd but the prom friend (the one who had a crush on her) lost. then the next day in a class we were in a group playing cards against humanity, and when it was my turn to judge, I chose a card that was appropriate rather than an inappropriate one bc the appropriate one just made more sense and she whispers to the guy next to her, “see this is why we can’t play with them.” in a different round, the question card was “I get by with a little help from ______” and I said “is there a beatles related card” bc I wanted to make a reference, and the girl on the other side of perfect friend whispered what I said to her, giggling. it made me annoyed bc they were talking behind my back, and I would've been fine if it was the girl and the guy on each side of her, bc even though we’re all kind of friends they never really seemed to like me that much and always have seen me as just this weird, socially awkward, annoying person, but it made me so MAD that my FRIEND was taking part in this, and not saying anything, and just looking down on me when in private she’ll act like im her favorite person in the whole world. but whatever, I digress.

back to the point, perfect friend a few months after bohemian rhapsody left theaters she watched it somewhere and loved it, and she said it in our group chat, and everyone was like yay and loving her texts and had a discussion about how good it was.

yesterday I finally, finally watched it after months of waiting. so today I text the group chat that I watched it, and spam a little about what I liked and I didnt, which I realize is annoying bc I spam all the time and I cant really help it. but I expected since everyone in the chat is now queen fans, even those that weren’t before the movie, we could just obsess together over how good it was.

but the only one who replied at first was my best friend (bless her). she loved a few messages (namely, 3: the first was that I watched it, the second was that the casting for brian may was amazing, and the third was that the live aid scene was so good). I was kinda confused bc I didnt think she even knew what I was talking about, especially since I didnt think shed even seen the movie? but maybe she did. or maybe she was just appreciating the comments, and anyway, regardless, I was grateful for her responding. and she said like “ooo where did you see it” and I said I found it online and she said “oh lol.” and she dislikes my ending text of “sorry for the spam I just really enjoyed it.” so I was grateful. but no one else really said anything.

until perfect friend sends an unrelated pic and says something. then she loved my text that I finally saw bohemian rhapsody, basically as an afterthought, but didnt say anything else on it. prom friend right away responds to perfect friend, ignoring all my texts, even tho I thought he was such a big fan of queen now after seeing the movie but whatever. he also then sends a video of blanket friend to the same group chat, addressing best friend, saying her name and what they’re doing.

so, nice to know im not liked lol.

I know this is a long winded story (I mean it doesn't matter cuz im just writing this to myself not anyone else) but im just so frustrated. I wish there was someone out there who would just CARE and appreciate my friendship and treat me like a friend. I KNOW I DONT DESERVE IT. and everything I say is with that unspoken warrant. like I KNOW. im just trying to say that at the same time im so tired of giving so much to my different relationships only to have it be reciprocated by like 5%. the closest connection I have is with is best friend, but she still looks down on me and has even told me everything she hates about me, two years ago when she was trying to get me to join color guard. color guard is like her obsession now, and she says she didnt know what it was before, even though back at the end of 8th grade I literally ASKED HER, “do you want to join color guard in hs.” but I guess she didn’t hear me and just disregarded it like she has SO MANY OTHER THINGS she doesn't deem important until she or her boyfriend or someone “discovers” it and then suddenly its her original idea or something. and ever since that episode when she basically ranted about everything she dislikes about me, just bc I didnt want to join color guard, nothing has been the same. I know ive wronged her so many times and I feel bad. I dont deserve her trust (I betrayed it so many times, like when I didnt tell her I was helping her (now) boyfriend) and I understand that, but now we dont share anything real. I dont trust ANYONE and all my real feelings and secrets I keep to myself. she doesn't need me for anything anymore now that she has a boyfriend, so its fine. but she still actually cares about me, and I care about her, and at least she will show her friendship and support for me.

its just, I try so hard to connect. to act like im happy and have emotions when inside im depressed and empty. I try to show enthusiasm for everything they do when honestly I have so many of my own problems to worry about that I honestly just dont have the energy to care. I try to offer myself to comfort them and I prioritize other peoples feelings over my own obligations, feelings, problems, sleep, health, and time. I know it sounds like im a bad person just “faking” it and resenting these things that I should be happy to do. I guess I am, but its just that my mental health is so bad right now that its impossible for me to actually bring myself to care about stuff and others and myself or anything at all so thats why. When I get an opportunity to help people (like with the promposal and the girlfriend) it actually invigorates me bc I feel so needed. I willingly spend time on that bc it actually feels like im accomplishing something. It feels like people actually want me there. it feels like by doing this people will appreciate me. but that’s where im wrong. I got him his girlfriend and now he never talks to me or responds to my texts. I KNOW hes there, bc he’ll love all of her texts in the group chat, even the ones just saying the same things I already said, but he doesn't react to any of mine. I got him his prom date, yet in the hallways he doesn't say hi to me but he’ll gladly say hi to perfect friend or best friend. yesterday in lunch people got their yearbooks. perfect friend realized the cover had a feature. prom friend is there. best friend runs over yelling about how the cover is so bad because it’s predominantly black while the past 2 were predominantly white. to point out a good aspect, I repeat the feature perfect friend said. prom friend repeats what I said, but not in a high pitched voice or anything that hints at sarcasm or teasing. so I turn to him and im like “....I just said that.” he goes “I know. I was mocking you.” perfect friend and best friend say nothing to defend me. I just... I dont get it. a few days ago you said I was a good friend and now you proceed to make fun of me. somehow something about me makes it ok for him and others to make fun of me and look down on me, when he doesn't tease best friend or perfect friend. he treats me like trash but since the other two are perfect, since he likes perfect friend and since best friend is dating his friend, they have an automatic pass to be treated like queens, to be admired by him. best friend and perfect friend dont think they need to defend me when ive been nothing but loyal. it makes me annoyed because ive spent years defending best friend anytime someone says something. I was the outspoken one who'd yell at the guys when they teased. yet all anyone ever saw me as was the annoying, dramatic one. when I was just trying to be a friend the way I knew how. I thought being loyal was how to be a good friend, bc thats all I ever wanted. my brother made fun of me and put me down, at home, and in front of his friends, which were the most embarrassing time of all. so I thought my friends would appreciate me being loyal, yet all its ever seemed in all these years is that they’re embarrassed of me when I jump at those who tease. but I guess its because im so socially awkward. I overreact when things dont call for such big scenes. I talk too much. I try too hard. I just hate how I always take the fall. I never get credit where its due, just because I try to stay humble yet everyone still thinks im arrogant. I keep quiet, bc if I ever said what im saying now, it would just prove it. “see? you DO think highly of yourself.” they dont know that I would do anything to remove myself from this earth if I could because I have so much self loathing in me.

the other day in math we were working in groups. one group came up with something and said it and the rest of the class was like “ohhh” but one group didnt hear and were like “what?” best friend goes “no dont tell them! make them figure it out themselves.” so I say to a classmate about to tell them, “no no no dont!” but in my voice thats 50x louder than my friend’s. someone else goes “what? no! thats so mean!” I was so embarrassed. I wouldn't have said anything if it wasn't my friends idea. I couldn’t care less whether that group knew or not, but since my friend said it I wanted to be supportive so I said something to have a bit of fun. yet I was the mean one, the one everyone looked at weird, the dramatic, annoying one, yet AGAIN.

and it just made me think. I have taken the fall for others so many times and they have never spoken up. when its the other way around, when someone gets blamed for something that was my own fault, I always speak up and make sure to take the fall. I make it clear until people understand. and yet my friends never do the same for me. so why do I even bother?

I just need to stop trying so hard to be a friend, to be likable, because I know ill never know how. its just not in me to understand how to be a normal fucking person. to know how to interact with others. to not be socially awkward. to respond the right way. to not have a loud voice or talk too much or overshare. to read social cues and understand when people dont like me and to not force myself on them.

if I ever reach adulthood, maybe I can just sequester myself away from all humans, so none of them will ever have to deal with me again. so I dont fucking ruin society anymore. so I dont have to humiliate myself time and time again. so everyones lives can be so much better.

its embarrassing, im embarrassing, and im so tired of it.

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