#im so sorry to even delve into this for anyone idly reading bc i know this is very serious but i need to put it SOMEWHERE

[hella1975]

(hella you dont have to answer this, just wanted to say it) i know you ofc know that grief is a really complicated n fickle feeling but. it is, so i hope u can give yourself that space to grieve and do whatever it takes...but also please take care of yourself. and we're both creators of stuff so i really get the feeling, but i promise youre not destined for getting worse or stuck in that. something similar happened to me my senior year and even if you didn't know him that well, you're allowed that space to feel too.

ik my words prob dont do much, and i dont pretend to know better than you about your hometown or life or anything like that, but im here if u wanna talk. i love u <3

thank you for this my love. this is so kind and you didnt need to say anything but you DID and im so grateful for that. i promise im okay and im very good at being able to tell what episodes are temporary and what are more serious, so i know this one is temporary and is more shock/natural sadness at hearing the news that will peter off over time, so im trying to just. let myself feel it all for now and then put it to rest after a couple days. im sorry you can relate at all, i feel like it's such a specific, strange kind of grief to explain, when it's someone you know very distantly and technically have no 'right' to grieve, because like you said, grief is complicated, and it doesn't care what right you have to it or not. which is something im having to remind myself of and tell myself im not being selfish or self-centred for feeling upset by this. ive reached out to one of my irls and im going to tell her tomorrow bc i trust her to be good about this, so as basic as that sounds that's a pretty huge thing for me and im hoping it'll help even if it is just. talking it out. idk. but i appreciate this and i appreciate you, ily bestie xx

#as much as i do blame my hometown i think a part of that anger/blame is a coping mechanism #bc it's easier to blame all the bad things that happen IN that town ON that town if that makes sense #and im aware it lacks nuance to narrow shit down like that but it makes it bearable for me #to just blame everything on this vague broad 'hometown' idea in my head #instead of truly delving into it bc that WOULD make me miserable #im so sorry to even delve into this for anyone idly reading bc i know this is very serious but i need to put it SOMEWHERE #like im twenty and SIX boys in my year have died #two were drug overdoses and one got pulled out of the river so we'll never know which of those were accidental or on purpose #one boy had leukaemia another got killed in a hit and run the day before his eighteenth birthday #and now this boy. and he fucking hung himself like i cant get that out of my head of all the ways to go he chose that #and of those six boys two of them were my cousins and one was seventeen when he overdosed and we're pretty sure it was an accident #which makes it WORSE like he would have known when the drugs were already in his system that it was too much #and he was just a child. he would have been so scared. and they're all just dead now and they keep dying #and i just feel so helpless and like in me getting out of that town i left them behind? #idk. im venting now im not expecting any of this to be addressed by anyone lmao the problem with most of it is that it CANT be addressed #like what can you do? just keep on going until the next one #ask #delete later