#idk. im venting now im not expecting any of this to be addressed by anyone lmao the problem with most of it is that it CANT be addressed

[hella1975]

(hella you dont have to answer this, just wanted to say it) i know you ofc know that grief is a really complicated n fickle feeling but. it is, so i hope u can give yourself that space to grieve and do whatever it takes...but also please take care of yourself. and we're both creators of stuff so i really get the feeling, but i promise youre not destined for getting worse or stuck in that. something similar happened to me my senior year and even if you didn't know him that well, you're allowed that space to feel too.

ik my words prob dont do much, and i dont pretend to know better than you about your hometown or life or anything like that, but im here if u wanna talk. i love u <3

thank you for this my love. this is so kind and you didnt need to say anything but you DID and im so grateful for that. i promise im okay and im very good at being able to tell what episodes are temporary and what are more serious, so i know this one is temporary and is more shock/natural sadness at hearing the news that will peter off over time, so im trying to just. let myself feel it all for now and then put it to rest after a couple days. im sorry you can relate at all, i feel like it's such a specific, strange kind of grief to explain, when it's someone you know very distantly and technically have no 'right' to grieve, because like you said, grief is complicated, and it doesn't care what right you have to it or not. which is something im having to remind myself of and tell myself im not being selfish or self-centred for feeling upset by this. ive reached out to one of my irls and im going to tell her tomorrow bc i trust her to be good about this, so as basic as that sounds that's a pretty huge thing for me and im hoping it'll help even if it is just. talking it out. idk. but i appreciate this and i appreciate you, ily bestie xx

#as much as i do blame my hometown i think a part of that anger/blame is a coping mechanism #bc it's easier to blame all the bad things that happen IN that town ON that town if that makes sense #and im aware it lacks nuance to narrow shit down like that but it makes it bearable for me #to just blame everything on this vague broad 'hometown' idea in my head #instead of truly delving into it bc that WOULD make me miserable #im so sorry to even delve into this for anyone idly reading bc i know this is very serious but i need to put it SOMEWHERE #like im twenty and SIX boys in my year have died #two were drug overdoses and one got pulled out of the river so we'll never know which of those were accidental or on purpose #one boy had leukaemia another got killed in a hit and run the day before his eighteenth birthday #and now this boy. and he fucking hung himself like i cant get that out of my head of all the ways to go he chose that #and of those six boys two of them were my cousins and one was seventeen when he overdosed and we're pretty sure it was an accident #which makes it WORSE like he would have known when the drugs were already in his system that it was too much #and he was just a child. he would have been so scared. and they're all just dead now and they keep dying #and i just feel so helpless and like in me getting out of that town i left them behind? #idk. im venting now im not expecting any of this to be addressed by anyone lmao the problem with most of it is that it CANT be addressed #like what can you do? just keep on going until the next one #ask #delete later

[the-bjd-community-confess]

More Divaz confos

Mod: Round two of these, previously: link. There’s some interesting customer reviews in this batch (5 and 8) which may be useful to readers.

1.Vic3mage "the secret bjdivaz vip group is just pictures of boxes coming in and going out". Yeah, between the bitching about d0llshe, asking people to post on doa for them, dunking on ex-customers, posting pics of random doll parts that they can't identify which doll they're supposed to go with, whining about how little money they make, whining when ppl e-mail them, whining. Yeah, other than that it's just boxes, and alpacas u can buy off amazon anyway lol.

~Anonymous

2.The butthurt users crying and guilttripping under every Divaz confession who have never been seen before elsewhere on this blog are extremely unsuspicious and unproblematic and definitely unconnected to Divaz and unbiased in every possible way

/s

~Anonymous

3.idk shit abt bjd1vas but v1cemage i can absolutely tell you the shit about ch0o is 100% accurate, fucker's got a long, long history of being an awful little man that stretches well beyond his involvement in the doll community. between the two i'd still trust bjd1vas over ch00 ch00 the fool any day!

~Anonymous

4.The Z3st and Div4s thing is really silly and both entities were being shady but did they really have to take the DZ waiting room down with them? :( He had even made a separate thread about it......

~Anonymous 

5. RE: BJD Divaz

I’ve been a customer of BJD Divaz since they first started, when it was only run by Chart3rline. I even contacted other BJD companies trying to persuade them to work with Divaz as their US representative. Most declined because they didnt like D's commission fee, but I was able to persuade a few of them.

I asked them to purchase a doll off DOA because I couldnt afford the asking price, and while they did, I found out later that instead of agreeing to purchase the seller's price, they negotiated the price to be lower. This significantly cheaper price was not passed down to me. I paid the full price +the commission fee based on that full price. I am disappointed I was not told this. This is when I stopped viewing them as a "friend" and instead, as a business. I dont hold this against them, it’s context to what Im going to say later.

I’ve stopped purchasing from D after my recent order from them. This company usually takes 3 or less months to make a doll. I’ve ordered the doll from D and it took 11 months. They let me know it arrived to them in March and that it will be shipped soon, except it only shipped on July, and only after I sent them several "reminder" emails. Before people in the comments try to put the blame on me for not sending a reminder soon, please keep in mind that I acknowledged the email in March and confirmed everything and they keep stressing to not send them emails because they are busy, I’ve emailed once every month since. I’ve since switched to ACBJD and Ive been happy with communication and the dolls ordered. I imagine ACBJD gets the same amount of emails, but they dont berate their customers if they email more than once.

I regret when people wanted a D0llshe, but not deal with him, I always recommended D. I would warn people of ordering directly and instead go through D. They assured buyers they would be handling communication and all the efforts so they wouldnt worry, except they didn’t. A person that I’ve recommended D to, who surpassed 2 years, keeps messaging me for help because D wouldnt reply to their emails. She is respectful, sweet and a timid person, not a Karen. This person, emailed D without a reply so would email a week later, only to be told that their email would be pushed down to the bottom if emailed again. No response, so she goes to FB and IG, who both tell her to email because they arent the person running orders. Finally got a response that they would get their refund, after D0llshe sends D's payment, but minus the PP fees. 3 months later and theres no refund, only a promise of them getting it later. Why is the customer missing out on fees when they have no doll? Customer emails d0llshe and he says he cant offer refund, because they didn’t order through them, which is understandable, but when all options are out for a customer, do you blame them for chargebacks?

If anyone files a chargeback, D will be blacklisting them from every company they rep, as in blacklisting you from buying direct from those companies. I urge everyone who has negative experiences with D to email the companies they rep instead of venting on confession blogs, and writing your experiences on social media. Make it count and send letters to the companies they represent, and please provide proof because they will try to make you out to be a liar.

Speaking of, they made vague posts on cl0ver singing for charging paypal fees, and that they offer guarantees as an official dealer, except when offering refunds, to non delivered products I might add, they are keeping the fees, and offered no help with d0llshe, even before they ended their dealership with them. Someone on DOA was told to not email them unless the wait time surpassed 1.5 years. They are even so petty that they post screenshots with the full name and address (dox) of the customer on purpose and then delete it out a day later as if they just realized their "mistake".

Before you try to make excuses for them about the fires, keep in mind, I am dealing with a business. The lower price negotiation with the DOA sale, I am in no way obligated to give them a pass or treat them as a friend when they made it clear that our relationship is strictly business. Their issues, are not my issues. D0lk got dragged for not shipping in time, others, including artisans, got dragged for being so late with communication and sending back refunds for cancelled orders. Why does D get to be exempt?

The supporters are the worst part of this, because of instead of being honest so D can improve, they support them for being "real". For example, look how micemage words it, to make it seem like this criticism is from one person, when there are people on addicts who didn’t have good experience. Check the bjd dealers tag here, you will see the supporters in the comments going off on any and all criticism of D. Some have sane comments, but the majority are cult like and try to identify the person venting as if it’s one person. Addicts deletes threads with criticism asking people to instead direct it to their feedback group; which lets be honest, no one is going to do because its "not that bad", and most dont want to join a new group, which is mostly dead.

This is my first and last confession on D, I’ve emailed each company they rep and told them my experience as well as contacting the 3 month wait company, with screenshots of my order, how they handled it, and the excuse they used to put blame on the company for being so late (package arrived march to D, 4 months to be shipped is on D, not the company). I’m not using company or order details because I know they are petty enough to try to identify me and publicly shame me like they have to others. This and the threat of suing is why not many people like to go public with their experience. They just keep feedback neutral, move on and never deal with again.

~Anonymous

6. Listen, I can't take you seriously in regards to BJD!vas because you're posting on a confession blog. If you were serious, you would have posted in buyer beware groups, DoA reviews or the board to get things resolved, or you would have made a complaint to the BBB. And your language makes you come off more as someone with an agenda rather than someone who is trying to warn people. If shipping is the issue, stop buying with standard shipping and pay the extra price for express shipping. I saw one of you complain that it sat with them for 20 days; that's probably because you're not the only one and they more than likely have a queue to check and then ship out. Do mistakes happen? Yes, because we're human. I've been in this hobby for a few years now and it seems like most people know you're going to have to wait, sometimes even outside the expected wait time. And shipping something as big as a doll is a timely endeavor. I shouldn't have to say that.

My point is simply to stop complaining on an confession board and either take it to the places previously mentioned. Posting here behind the anonymous mask makes you sound like a petulant child who didn't get their way right away.

~Anonymous

7.My only issue with BJD Divaz is how I never get any updates. Every email, they tell me to join their facebook page for status updates. I dont have a FB and I dont want to create one. I bought my doll through their website, updates should be posted on their website, or they could send me an email. That isnt asking much.

~Anonymous

8. Since there seems to be a lot of either "completely negative everything sucks" or "everything was sunshine and rainbows" confessions about bjd!vaz I thought I'd chime in with a neutral review.

PROS

-They were always polite and professional in their emails, and gave me very detailed answers to my questions.

-I got exactly what I ordered, so no mix ups or missing parts or anything like that.

-I think them being forthcoming about personal issues (only one person on staff, illness, the flooding isue etc.) on social media is good, since it keeps customers updated as to why there might be delays.

-If you live in the US their shipping is very reasonable.

CONS

-Reply times were varied. Sometimes it could take over a week, sometimes a couple hours.

-My order took about 10mo which, when comparing to other people who ordered through the same company around the same time, was about 3x as long as if I bought it direct and 2x as long if I had gone through a different dealer. I get some of the waiting time is out of their control, but it was kind of ridiculous.

-They dont necessarily ship the same day they send you a tracking number. I wish they said something like, "Here's your tracking number, our pickup is Xday so it should start moving after that" just so I could be aware.

All in all no major complaints. I got my doll and all that. Their lone employee is clearly overwhelmed. I hope they hire another person, if only to give the one a break.

Truthfully, I most likely won't buy through them again. I'd rather pay the international shipping and go direct, than deal with the extensive wait time. I'd still recommend them to someone looking for a very long layaway, though. I paid in full, but if I had a 12mo layaway I would've never known they weren't ready to ship my doll until month 10.

~Anonymous

#BJD #ABJD #BJD Confessions #TrueBJDConfessions #BJD Dealers

[plainvanillapotato]

the 100 diaries S2 E15

quarantine diaries: june 14 2020

season 2 episode 15: “Blood Must Have Blood: Part 1″

bellamy the liberator!! bellaymy is more of a khaleesi than any other character in this show. i officially propose to make bellamy the khaleesi for both the spacers and grounders.

the grounder word for “to be quite” sounds a lot like SHUT UP but with a lisp

“wait...thank you” .....bellamy and grounder girl? ship???

i really hate cages rhetoric. its nothing but propaganda then again its cage im talking about so i cant expect much

what a paper throw looked weak af. i wonder if that took multiple takes

you kidding with those cups stains thats one hell of a big jump for the guard to make. like those people could have sat on the other side of table just minutes ago. im shaking my head so hard right now. like this is just because they didnt use coasters?? ugh.

this escalated so fast. but considering how fast things escalate with police in the us i guess i shouldnt be surprised

and ofc they shot them anyway. police brutality is not okay. you cannot just shoot and kill people. side note what happened to that justice system that maya brought up when we first met her??

why is monroe still alive??? like ok its nice to see a familiar face but i dont care for her 

wow raven really upped her packaging game for that hydrazine. yes raven i support you and your small business.

clarke got gloves now. i wonder if she asked for them or lexa/someone just gave them to her

i love clarkes/lexas diorama ngl its way better than bellamys.

clarke really had to think about whether or not she was going to chant with them. that was a real cheeky moment. i know they’re trying to make clarke super cool and thats down with the grounders but i gotta say that its gonna a lot more to convince me that clarke is a badass

side note: i like anya a lot more than lexa. like i dont feel threatened by lexa at all. imo anya was the true queen

that heat shot tho. i know that bellamy is a good shot but can we talk about how unrealistic that shot was tho. it doesnt make any physical sense how bellamy shot paul from the vent especially at that angle. but alas i guess along with bending fire to protect his beautiful head of hair  bellamy also defines nature and physics

you know i fully believe that bellamy has a 6 sense cuz he can literally sense when someone in danger and is in the right place at the right time

miller was ready to kill that guard full princess leia style

who was that reaper?? like was it indras past lover or something??? 

why is monroe the one to work the drill? i feel like there could have been someone more qualified

the exchange between lincoln and millers father was so flirty.... ship?? ngl i ship it more than lincoln and octavia

ravens jokes arent that bad wick. also did i miss something or did the show really didnt address how wick and raven got in this place? 

oof this conversation got awkward real fast

i love wick’s surprised face at 18:16. hes like wow i really killed a guy and raven just said “welcome to the ground” 

look at that modern painting behind dante. daredevil anyone?? 

preach dante. preach. your boy cage is a terrible leader

yeah i agree with wick. raven you should have just brought more bombs that was bad on your part

only white boi wick would be smiling and nodding while there are people pointing guns at him. 

look at those shields. i like to think that they actually took the time to practice these formations...but evidently they needed a better formation

lincoln being katniss everdeen. ok lincoln i see you

bellamy is just one with these vents now. theyre really his main mode of transportation

“then we kill him”...by ‘we’ you mean that bellamy is going to kill cage. jasper you really adding to bellamys already heavy load.

MONTY!!! :)

of the tree people?? no dont give octavia that. 

this was soooooo anticlamatic. this is because clarke did not kiss you back huh. lexa you dumbbitch you can just double cross the mountain people and help clarkes people. do you even have a heart lexa? imo this is lexa just being a salty bitch to clarke. like you guys can argue with me all you want about this is lexa being a ‘badass’ leader and doing what was best for her but it wont change my opinion at all

look at octavia staying loyal to bellamy. cute but ooo jackson is leaving too i mean i guess i wouldnt trust octavia either

i also find it comical that all within the same episode indra accepts her as one of the tree people and only then to strip her of that minutes later

why are some of the cages hung up like that tho?? like i think they showed the hanging cages in previous episode but in this episode its hanging cages with open doors implying that whoever was in that cage had to jump down for idk how many stories to be free. but also how did they open those cages all the way up there because from when they took bellamy we know that they need a physical key to unlock the door. i guess this was all for making the show look cool and edgy but its just making me scratch my brain

aww i ship raven and wick so hard. my favorite ship yet

fuck you dante. i knew you would turn. 

this was the worst episode yet. i swear its only monty and bellamy that is keeping me watching. and the show is kinda lacking in that area.

#the 100 #the 100 diaries #bellamy #clarke

[ariesgender]

vent incoming

tw drug mention, abuse mention

idk how to even start this but being best friends w/ someone and genuinely telling them that you’d love to be their best man at their wedding and would love to meet them IRL and then a year later being blocked by them, accused of stalking them, and being compared to their abusive ex (whom they vented to you about) is really like... a lot

at the end of the day i think the internet facilitates a lot of miscommunication & aggravates feelings of loneliness and paranoia. not being able to see the other person’s reactions face-to-face can be detrimental when you argue with each other. as well, realistically, being repeatedly traumatized, abused, and forced to endure living with your toxic family members makes the mindset that “everyone who says they love you will eventually betray you and hurt you, and so you should cut off anyone like that” understandable and justifiable. i get that. and i struggle with avoiding confrontation as well so i relate to those avoidance coping mechanisms; i just didn’t expect them to get turned onto me one day, lol

at the end of the day i’m not even mad, i’m just kinda hurt by this situation? he’s had so much time to justify his maladaptive way of thinking and how i’m dangerous to him because i blew up at him twice for repeatedly unfollowing me (because i was confused and thought friends followed each other ...? and like four separate times i tried to send him funny posts but he had messages from non-followed tumblrs off and that frustrated me, just the cycle of never knowing what he was thinking and why or why he’d isolate himself time and time again) and he convinced himself that i hated him...? even though this came from like, being desperate to understand why he was cutting me off, because it gave off the impression to me that he didn’t want to be friends anymore???

after almost a year of no contact i made efforts to reach out and i apologized to him, acknowledging that i said hurtful things and shouldn’t have blown up at him or said he was selfish / joking that he was a tankie (lol) and writing that i just wanted to know why? plus with the caveat that i knew that i wasn’t entitled to being in his life and i gave him my ip address to block if he decided not to talk to me.... but instead he compares me to his abuser, says im stalking him, and remakes, seeming like he’d had another panic attack?

i just feel helpless that i’m unable to do anything or help him in any way, and i also feel like an idiot for even still worrying about him or wondering how he’s doing, because him blocking me on every website w/ no warning or explanation is like. a huge message of ‘leave me alone!’ and should’ve i just blocked him back and didn’t do or say anything. but i wish i had apologized earlier, before he’d blocked me and left shared servers just to avoid me. i don’t even know. 

the only things im sure about is that 1) im confused + hurt but will like.. forget about him eventually 2) he needs therapy and a way to get out of his shitty situation and i hope he becomes a better person who’s able to live healthily and happily w/ his own found family

anyway

8==========D ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

leos are wild. my dad is also a leo and he told me that he thinks google is a “far-left” website and now he got mad at me because i joked about a minimum wage increase meaning he wouldn’t have to worry about taking our cat to the vet :PP even though he’s been a manager at his comparatively high-level position for almost 10 fucking years he can barely afford a two bedroom mini-house in an area famous for drugs and our cat having diabetes ... and he somehow doesn’t see any problem w/ that like.... and blames antifa.... huh ..... ok ... capitalism and propaganda is a hell of a drug lol

#kieren.exe

[inspirelocked]

Hey ya'll

Ily guys

Sorry but like i just feel like talking about this. Idk why here or whatever, maybe somewhere in my head i think someone will offer me some form of comfort or advice..? I really dont expect anyone to, but i just feel like i need to say this for whatever reason

I try not to be one to vent or rant on here but this is me, my blog, my life, my feelings, my experiences. So, as you know i am a trans guy, pre everything. I have a boyfriend (who is magnificent in every single way), and he's cis. He's so fucking amazing that he forgets I'm trans, and that allows me to forget too. He apologizes every time he's reminded like "oh my god sorry i keep forgetting" but it warms my heart bc someone out there sees me as a true boy. Someone really important to me. He doesn't see me for the female body i feel so desperately trapped in. But yesterday, we were at my cousin's house (i still am, they're both asleep currently) for a sleepover. For more context, my cousin Stormie is a BABE. She's homeschooled and the kindest person i know. She said i should invite a friend over for a sleepover with her once, because she gets lonely and i help fill that loneliness by bringing her my friends for her to meet and maybe befriend herself. Me, having fairly recently gotten together a couple months before with my boyfriend, invited him over. He and her had a great time (plus this other trans guy that she had known all her life, and my boyfriend ended up knowing) and became PALS. Like, gOod buddies. She instantly adopted him as her brother and he thrived. Anyways, its been a full year since then, we've -as a trio- had countless more sleep overs and this one was no different. Except, i packed only long sleeved shirts. A flannel and a sweater i had just gotten for a late birthday present. Its cold outside, so thats why. But it was a DUMB MOTHERFUCKING MOVE. I left my binder on purpose because haha why would i need it?? DUMB ASS BITCH. I HATE PAST ME. well, i overheated. I HAD to change. My family is great and offered other shirts, and one tank top they offered me was SO COMFY AND COOL AND GOOD, but, it didnt hide my chest at all. You could see every single curve and it was, very dysphoria inducing. I was like, "alright, well, im just at stormies. It will be fine. They wont even notice, and they'll let you forget about it. It will be alright." And i was about to come back out of stormie's room and remembered my boyfriend was here too. Now, as i said, he forgets. But that doesn't mean in any way that hes unsupportive. In fact he's probably been the MOST supportive force in my life since this whole transition started. He's been there for me through more than anyone else in my life combined when it comes down to my trans-ness. But for some reason, i have this issue where i CANT disappoint him. And, i knOW. My chest being out like that cant be exactly, u know, great. I was a boy right? Was everything i was, wrong? I thought maybe, ughthryaksjfdysgsyrhdg

I cant fucking type what im feeling it gets all confusing and angry. But i felt so terrible for letting him see me like that. He has NEVER seen my chest. Even before i came out and he knew me for like 2 months. I NEVERRRR let my chest be visible. He couldn't pretend there was nothing there, i couldnt either. It was there and visible. I was so near tears it was unbelievable i havent cried yet still. I think thats the worst my dysphoria has been for a month, which is saying something bc its been bad. When we got a second alone He said he felt sorry for me bc he knew i felt bad. But i couldnt really answer him, i just started shaking and continued talking about what we were doing. He said he loved me, and that this was temporary and its ok bc i was a real guy. It really did soothe me, but i couldnt say that, my trembling wouldnt let me address my feelings. I just said "okay" and changed the subject again so i wouldnt start sobbing. Then when we rejoined stormie in the livingroom, we were roleplaying on our phones (this rp has been going for over a year now and we do this all the time. We sit in the same room on our phones and rp back and forth. Its so comforting and nice to me, i love it) and he would glance up at me every few minutes. I had my striped scarf over my chest but you could see the shape. Eventually, i saw him glance up and cringe so visibly. Then he stopped looking up. He seemed to be doing everything in his power to avoid looking at me. I was probably just distraught and upset and maybe thats not the case but at that point i was SO sure i was nothing but a disappointment to him. Ive got this nagging thought/fear whatever that hes going to break up with me for this but i knOW he wont. I at least hope not. Hes repulsed by the female body (i cant say im not either. Im so suicidal bc of it.) And now he just, knows i have one. Theres no more pretending or denying. There's only facing facts and figuring out the next step. Im so sure im not good enough for him and it hurts every part of my body because i CANT be what he likes. He likes guys, he likes men bodies, hes disgusted by boobs and stuff and i cant be the man he thinks hes into. I try so hard to pretend i have a flat chest but no amount of hoping or hurti g or pretending will change the fact that my body is just wrong or will help anything. I just have to keep stewing in the trapped hurt and pray he doesnt get tired of waiting. If he does, then i dont blame him and im really sorry i wasted his time.

Hey thanks just ignore this idk where to vent like this so here ya go.

#inspire screaming #help #dysphoria #chest tw #suicide mention #cw #dysphoria/ #im in so much fucking pain #i just want to go die #i have felt so bad #im so sorry #im a disappointment #i cant be what he likes #i cant be what i like #im wrong #ignore this #ignore me

[princess-of-embarrassment]

Some 3 am realizations about life, relationships and maybe more?? idk whatever have fun.

Ok before i start on this shit I am going to say it is 3 am and i am just dumping some thoughts like i usually do. Sorry for the shit grammar, disorganized thoughts and all that jazz... In a sense i feel like this is a letter to myself and what i have been trying so damn hard to understand so yeah i am talking to myself and to this website. I think. Idk. i will probably delete this in the morning when i am back on bad bitch mode and go back to posting memes pero por ahora vamos a ver como nos va. Mayb ei will leave it up bc i forget or because i dont care who sees it. sorry for the shitshow of a post you are about to read but you probably already kinda know me so yay! I debated posting this shit because the internet is a wildin place but oh well!!1!!11

ok tumblr it is 3 in the morning and i have 100% regressed into being a 15 years old on this damn website shitposting and reblogging some corny ass posts but it feels right, so here i am attempting to process it through the only form i know how to actually know how to cope with things. I mean memes are cool and all but lets be real, they don’t address the problems. this is the one place i can brain dump all of my thoughts and not really care about where they go because they will eventually disappear in the tumblr algorithm.

My old blog was often the only separation I had between my reality and the life i really wished i had, but now I have that life that I always wanted so why the hell am i back at square one? To be fair, the life that i have right now may not be envied by many but its a pretty darn good life to me. Im safe 99.9% of the time. The other .1% is a story for another day. I have been trying to figure out for months as to why i’m back to being so active on here and now that it’s 3:00am I realize it’s because of self isolation (thanks corona!). 

Let me start off by saying this; my reality is not something I am going to be able to escape. Ever. It has brought me to where i am today, allowed me to meet some really incredible people and i am so so grateful. I have learned so much in the past few years. i am grateful what happened happened. Wild, i know. I escaped it physically but i cannot escape it mentally, at least for now. School, work, writing, dealing with my freshmen’s problems was what kept my brain occupied and away from having to face the part of my life that I really just want to forget. To be fait my trauma response has taken pretty good care of fucking up my memory and all of those fun things but ironically the things i want to forget about so badly are the things i think about every single day without skipping a beat. brains are weird like that.

I am ok now but sometimes i forget and fall back into my new reality. That is ok. People that know my story ask me why i don’t write about it on a public platform because it’s inspiring?? or hopeful?? or whatever cliche people want to use when addressing a topic that makes them uncomfortable and they want to feel better about the life they live. 21 year old latina girl faces adversity and lives the american dream (barely)..i mean, i did run a whole ass magazine and wrote a piece for graduation including some details of my story but that was like the rated g version with only the little sad parts that people are able to handle without feeling like their comfort zone is being violated. MEdia is a wonderful place isnt it???  so i get where they are coming from, but what they dont understand is that an international platform is not where i can share any of these thoughts... Listen, I know this is cryptic and confusing and you are probably really curious about what the hell happened to me but i don’t feel safe to type it out on international platforms with public access. I don’t know if i ever will... Yeah i can talk to people i trust about it because i am in control of the space and the situation and who is obtaining that information but you never really know with the internet. 

maybe in the future i’ll write a book on it. even then i will probably use my alias make it a YA fiction with an added love story that ends in a happy ending. Maybe one day one of the school girl crushes I have will turn into that YA story and i dont have to make any of it up.

If i am honest...this blog is the only safe place i will probably ever have where he wont find me. He can find my school and my address and phone number and work and everything in between because that is just the way things work. Yeah yeah i get it stop posting shit on social media that is how he finds you whatever. What people dont understand is that I cant stop living my life again. I already started so i cant go back to giving him that power. It makes no sense. Also, his family is too confused by all of the ups and downs of the last year that they dont really know where i am going or what i am doing. So anyways, long story short - That’s why i am back on here, because it has become the same written safe haven I had when i was 15 and tried to escape my physical reality. Only difference is that i am trying to manage the mental reality of it all...

I also have so many questions about what to do next. Like i mentioned in another post, i didnt think i would make it to 21 but i did. I didnt think this far ahead so i guess i will just figure it out along the way but hear me out. How do i face a new reality that no one can relate to. At least not the people around me. How do i make friends and know when the “right time” is to tell them hey btw if this happens lmk lol. Even more importantly (because it relates to my future as world famous YA novelist.. lol sure grace...) How do I even date someone??? many questions are tied to that. like... I know theyre going to ask. “what happened?” “who is it?” “how can i help?” “Isnt there something we can do?”. i am more than willing to answer these questions because fuck, if im dating someone i would be curious too.. but do i even answer those questions. How do i know they are ready to handle that kind of information? how can i guarantee theyre not going to leave. How can i know that they arent going to be frightened by what has happened. how do i know they are not going to think differently of me. How do i explain to this person “yeah i have stress nightmares about what happened and when i wake up i think i am back in that situation and not where i live and i have to remind myself i am in a whole different area code but then its fine lol so if we share a bed at any point in time dont be alarmed if i wake up in a panic.” or how do i explain to them when something triggers me and all i can do is freeze because maybe it is him. Maybe he finally found me. but then i am back to reality and move on with my day because that is the only thing left to do. I cant throw myself a shitty pity party thats generic as fuck and i dont have time for it but whatever. moving on. next question. How do i know theyre not gonna walk away because they have the misconception so many people have?? Just because i went through some shit doesnt mean i am unstable or unloveable or whatever bs people think. This isnt going to go away. This shit is a aprt of me but it doesn not define me. it is not who i am.I dont have the option to make it go away but people have the option to pick up their things and go. seems unfair to me sometimes. It seems unfair to generalize people like that. I am always open to a new relationship but people expect me to be sitting at home scared to go out into the world and live my life. I have a life to live and i am so ready to explore it by myself or with someone by my side but quarantine has brought me back on here to deal with the fact that i am back to being stuck inside. Mentally and physically. One sucks less than the other. 

I have so many other questions but i am feeling tired again and its almost 4am so maybe i should go to bed. Y’all dont know how happy i am to have this trash site to vent to in the middle of the night. theres some relly judgy people on here but at least i know my feed wont judge me or try to fix what has happened. it will just listen.

Anyways, i doubt anyone will read this because this post got long as fuck but if you did i give you a high five and a virtual hug for getting through the clusterfuck of sentences. Thanks tumblr. If i ever go viral again on this shitshow of a website i may have to bring back my studyblr and go underground lmfao jk maybe. I cant wait to hug my friends and the people i have met that have become a part of my daily routine (yes even during social isolation, get off my ass I am still socially isolating). All i can do for now is wait for someone who cares about me for me and isn’t scared of my past or the pieces of it that linger in my present. I deserve nothing less. if they cant do that they are not worth my time and i hope they drop their keys every single time they go to open their front door. oh... they also better be ready for the hours i spend typing away my thoughts on my computer. Maybe one day they will be allowed to read them too... lol maybe not. whatever who knows. Peace out kiddos stay healthy xoxo.