#im so tired of it fjfkfl

[piplupod]

really hate having to be quiet about disorders that affect every aspect of my life. really wish ppl would be normal about it and also understand it better. wish i was not terrified of ppl finding out about my osdd irl but RIP me i guess, the autism is scary enough but I don't have the energy to hide that one anymore or make up excuses to explain away whatever symptoms i wasnt able to quell. the autism already puts me in enough danger (conservative small town) but i think the osdd would get me in physical danger if ppl found out fnfkfl

its just hard bc we are so desperately lonely but we cant tell ppl abt it and its honestly hard to be friends w ppl now if they dont know abt it. so i do not get to make friends in town now and all chances of having ppl irl to hang out with is down the drain.

#i just want to not have to hide anymore #im so tired of it fjfkfl #i wish we could just act in a way that felt right and dress in fun ways outside of the house and just. exist without fear. #idk whats going on lately fjdksl the new splits have jostled brain around a lot #and i am feeling very alone and isolated the past couple days (...weeks.) i think #trying also to adjust to new brain feelings and shifts but idk. its a lot. im tired #and very very unwell fhfkdl but i just keep ignoring it and pretending things are alright and hoping i can feel okay soon #anyways hi there are daycare attendants in the brain. we have a sun and moon now apparently #this is me being open in a way that frightens me but i want to be able to be a bit more open here to try to work on some shit within myself #shame and whatnot fjdksl embracing the ''cringe'' of simply existing with a trauma-warped brain #sunny has a sideblog btw its very fun! its @sunnysplayground #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

[piplupod]

(can i please get a waffle voice): can i PLEASE having a coping mechanism that doesnt turn maladaptive. can i PLEAAASE have just one !!! i am Begging you, on my hands and knees !!!!! AUGH

#tfw your coping mechanism detaches you from reality and now you're watching yourself warily to make sure u dont fall into That Pit again #skirting around the edge and unhooking my claws from the coping mechanism and holding it gingerly with the tips of my fingers #praying i do not have to put it down entirely. because man..... its slim pickings around here for shit that actually Works fhfjdkl #the issue with reality being nigh unbearable ... is that you cannot bear reality. and thus detach. but u cannot go too far away from it. #or else Bad Shit happens. that i don't especially want to experience again fhdjdkdl #it'd be so cool to have a brain that didnt do this. so i could just freely la-dee-da along with fun things #instead of the fun things turning Bad bc they went too far fjfkdl #or having to keep a very close eye on myself when i get into new things bc i can see they have the potential to go badly for Me w my brain #sobbing forever honestly. i feel awful. this sucks shit. im trying to be funny about it to cope but im Upset fjfjddkl #im so sick of this type of thing fjdkdl I wish i could just like... be okay. for a while. without it going badly like this fjfkfl #i thought maybe i was on the up finally but nooooo it's just bc i was getting too far from holding onto reality properly #god i hate this pattern. im so fucking angry w it tbh fjfkfl i cannot believe i let myself think this was going to be different fjfkfl #but anyways!! onwards we march and hopefully i figure smth out fjfkdl im uhhhh very tired #going to crawl into bed at the ripe time of 8:30pm and just go listen to music and draw or smth idk fjfkfl this is frustrating #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

[piplupod]

parents are away today and i have no energy but so much cleaning to do. i kept telling myself all month that I'd have my kitchen in working order again by the end of august and yet here we are, it is still a hopeless mess :'''')))))

#so much cleaning yall. it is impossible #maybe i give up fjfkfl maybe i give up. im tired #trying to wheedle Sunny and Chase to come to front to clean but Chase isn't around and Sunny refuses bc it'd be unhealthy dhfjfkfkl #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

[piplupod]

aaaaaa

#suicide tw #down here dont look dhfjdldl don't open the more tags or whatever it is #i just need to yell it somewhere sorry dhfjdl i will not be doing anything do not worry #i just need to put it into the void somewhere and unfortunately this is maybe the best place i have for it #i think this needs one more tag so that it won't show up fhfkdl idk i cant remember #anyways. wouldn't it be hilarious (lie) if i offed myself tonight before midnight lmfao #I cannot fucking keep doing this and ppl are so kind to me but im just rly unwell and there is no way out #i hate how easy it is to kill myself fhjfdl like the only thing standing btwn me and being dead is... me #like i could just fucking do it rn if i so pleased and then I'd be done and god that sounds like such a relief rn #i wish humans were harder to kill bc this is so frustrating to have such a thin sheet btwn me and suicide #i cant keep doing this fjfkfl im going to drown soon and i cannot get help for anything #i cant keep up w school and i cant fail it bc then i will be in trouble but god if it wasn't for the trouble I'd get in i would just let it #all slide at this point bc i am just in so much emotional mental etc pain #everything hurts fucking constantly and i cant get rid of it and im just carrying this constantly #im so incredibly tired of it all #i have no life to live even outside of the abuser's home. theres no space for me anywhere #im tired sorry I'll live bc i don't want to hurt ppl so don't worry abt me doing anything abt this #but im just. idk what to do anymore

[piplupod]

stressing myself out bc i keep feeling bad about how little mental capacity I've had to talk to ppl, i sort of went radio silent in both of my frequented discord servers for the entirety of december and i cannot seem to return to talking anywhere bc im just. so tired. and have no mental space to converse with ppl fjfkdl my brain is just so busy and full still, i guess leftover from the holidays??

i miss talking w ppl though and i feel bad that I've just gone pretty much entirely quiet :[ and im scared im never gonna reach a place where im able to keep up w ppl ever again fjfkfl

#also im just. feeling vaguely lonely too i think #i wanna do things w ppl and keep up w ppl #but i haven't even been able to keep up w ppl on tumblr where i can like... scroll back thru ppls blogs #I've just had zero capacity to do that lately fhfkfl i feel awful abt it #idk whats wrong w meeee but man i feel bad and i want to fix it somehow #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

[piplupod]

today is FUCKED UP MAN. im tired of trying to be chill about it. theyre still at the hospital and dad's been updating me throughout the day and I just want to sleep but now its almost 3pm so I should probably just wait until night to sleep but man. my head is like ... pulsing. I'm so tired fjfkfl

#i dont understand any of this medical stuff fjfmdl so i have no idea how i should be feeling abt it #should i be scared? idk! should i be chill? shrug! so i am opting for numbness but that's exhausting in its own right #im so tired and so stressed and overextended w my two hours of sleep fnjfdl #and i still dont know if she'll be sleeping in the room above or not so idk if I'll get any sleep tonight either 🧍 #but i am definitely not allowed to complain now bc of her being in the hospital fjfkdl but ough. i feel like shit #and i also feel like a shitty person for being upset abt it all fjfkld #pippen needs 2nd breakfast