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iprefernightmares · 7 years

Text

Personal, if you want to read it I don’t really care

Okay so, this is going to be long, and probably heartbreaking if you have the capacity to feel empathy like I do but it’s something I need to write, and something that just needs to get out of my head if you’ve ever known that feeling. About two years ago I was seeing a therapist, and she told me to write a letter to my ex, who I was really depressed over and messed up about and who has been messaging me on anon if you’ve noticed. If you read or keep up with my blog which is essentially a view into my soul when I decide to write a text post.

But here it is

Dear Jared,

I know. I know I fucked up, I know I hurt you, and I know I said awful things to you.

I know I’ve written a million of these things, probably when I was on my xanax kick, but now as I am completely sober and you’ve just messaged me a few days ago here it is.

I know I was the reason we fell apart, I was full of insecurities, and I was damaged from the start.

I was sick, though I didn’t know it at the time, and isn’t it funny how my sickness comes from stress? From worrying? It’s called ulcerative collitis, and I know people have it worse I don’t really care about that but know this, when I told you I was in pain. I was. When I threw up, every morning and still went to work to support us I began to resent you.

You never wanted to be an average member of society working their way up the ladder.

No, you were too entitled for that.

I really thought, for the majority of my time knowing you that you were smarter than me.

I don’t know if the drugs took their toll and once upon a time you were smarter than me, but as you message me about selling acid I realize that even though I thought you were the love of my life, you were merely a lesson.

A lesson I have not learned too well, as I am still mostly the same person.

Still filled with the hate that lingers in the background, but now there are softer emotions as well.

Emotions that weren’t there before, before you.

You changed me, I will admit that. You made me break into the million pieces and I really thought I couldn’t put myself back together so much to the point where I shoved my face full of 11 xanax a day and kept thinking why was I not good enough.

And now I realize, it wasn’t that I wasn’t good enough, it’s that we were not meant to be.

We were not meant to be lovers because something that burns that bright cannot burn forever and you cannot deny that you still feel it too because the evidence is in the anons you choose to send me.

You will probably never know how incredibly sorry I am for how I’ve hurt you, or how badly I’ve hurt myself in the aftermath.

If only you could see all my scars now.

You told me you would teach me how to be in a relationship, show me what it was like.

But it was all consuming with you, it was all or nothing no in between.

And the fighting got so bad, and I got so angry, it was something I had felt before but that’s for later.

You wanted to pump me full of drugs and study me, but you didn’t do your research before hand and that was your problem. Mr. Scientist.

I did not only have ADHD, I have multiple personality disorder that gets worse with the use of psychedelics and any mood altering medication. I take nothing now, occasional xanax to calm down when I am too manic. When I am too angry. And trust me Jared, that anger is still there. But you fell in love with that too.

So between the drug use and the love that I felt for you, I literally lost my mind with you.

I was so into you, I would have given my life for you. I would have literally done anything for you because that’s how much I loved you.

Except, for save you from myself.

And I’m sorry that I didn’t know how, I’m sorry that only you could show me the way.

Because loosing you was the most painful thing I have ever gone through in my life.

But I didn’t mean it when I said I thought if you were dead it would be easier, because at least you’re somewhere happy, even if it isn’t with me.

I do harbor some ill feelings towards you, as you would guess.

But I realize as we were too close to the same person we would have never made it to the long run anyway.

We were too busy trying to devote ourselves to one another we couldn’t devote to ourselves.

But I was honest, and up front with what had happened with my life, and you judged me for it.

You called me a whore, called me fat.

Things you knew hurt, and I can’t blame you because I know I hurt you too and that’s just how things are between two people who care.

But it was unfair of you to expect me to be pure for you when I lost my virginity before I even met you.

I do apologize for Zane, but I do not apologize for Chris.

I’m sorry you didn’t see how emotionally insecure I was and I’m sorry but realize I did not sleep with Zane to intentionally hurt you.

The words I said though, those were intended to hurt you and I’m sorry that I lashed out at you when I was losing myself.

And when you left I had to figure out who I was again because my whole life had revolved around you since I met you, since I first saw you.

And maybe none of this will make your hurt better but I will give you any answers you need to resolve any left hurt from my words, because know that I was saying those things to intentionally hurt you whether they were true or not.

And some of the things I said was true.

And you were right when you said I took something from you that you could never have back and for that I am so sorry but realize you took something too.

You took my walls, and I was left with them so vulnerable the slightest crack in my life would have sent me into a puddle of tears if I wasn’t already in one.

I mourned your loss so hard that I did not sleep, and I did not eat, and I tried to get through it all without any drugs but it was so hard.

And I brought someone else into and hurt them too, and for that I am also sorry.

And then my life got so messed up I couldn’t even keep my days straight.

I can feel the difference in my brain from the abuse, but it helped.

And I’m sorry it ended up this way, but I feel that if it went different I wouldn’t be who I am today.

I wouldn’t love my cats so fiercely as I do today.

And I realize you felt like I was choosing them over you but I hope now that you’re vegan you understand how I felt the entire time.

And know I love Salem and I understand I used to be rough with him but I would never dream of hurting my cats now and I want to thank you for that because you took something with you when you left.

You took that evil that was deep inside of me, instilled from the abuse from my father.

You broke me so that I had to deal with everything, I had to relive everything and yes there is still so much hurt and so much anger in my life but fuck you for trying to tell me I cannot feel it because it makes me who I am.

I will always hate my father and that will make me a better person, a better mother, and better being in general.

Because that hate that you tried to convince me to let go is what keeps me grounded.

It’s what keeps me going, when I want to be mean to someone I think about who my father is and how disgusting I find him and I am reminded of everything I do not want to be.

I did not ask to be born like this or to be raised the way I was or to even meet you and I know it ended shitty for you but you honestly changed me in a great way, even if it seems small.

Because to me it’s the reminder that I made it through the greatest loss of my life and I take all your anons with stride.

I might cry, I might break a little bit again but I know I will always get back up.

And it pissed me the fuck off that you were mad at your mom for having epilepsy even though I was emotionally insecure even I knew that was fucked up and your mom literally saved my life so fuck you for hurting her.

Your parents wanted the best for you and you just wanted to do drugs while my parents chose drugs over me and my dad abused me for years of my life.

I will always be a strong person but even strong people have their breaking points and you broke my several times with no apologies for the broken pieces.

You watched me fall apart but still wanted to pump me full of drugs because you wanted to understand my brain well here it is Jared.

I am a hateful and spiteful person, but I am also a loving and caring person.

I am all things, and I have the ability to change attitudes based on who I am with.

I do not have to be nice to everyone because some people flat out don’t fucking deserve it.

And I will choose how I treat people based on how they treat me and if they are rude to me I will fight back because I RESPECT myself and that’s what you never understood.

You never understood that I had been walked on, disrespected, and treated like I was beneath people and that is one thing I am not.

I am not beneath anyone on this planet whether or not I am working at Dunkin Donuts or making 12.50 in a call center and I want to thank you for teaching me that part.

For teaching me humility.

My dads ego always got in the way and I was told my entire life I was different, he was obsessed with it, and all for what?

A fucking mental illness that 30 million other people have as well.

So we’re not so different after all.

I am willing to accept that I ruined our relationship, if you are willing to accept that you did not love me the way I loved you.

Because no matter what you said to me or how you treated me that love was unwavering and unconditional and it’s still fucking here. But it will never be the same and that’s ok.

I can go on loving you and learn how to love other people better.

And I like that, because it shows how versatile humans are and that no matter how damaged you are there is always someone out there willing to listen and willing to understand.

I will never be alone Jared, there are 40 billion people on this earth and you told me I would be alone but I can pick and choose out of the 40 billion people just like you did.

And hopefully I’ve made the right choice this time.

Until next time Jared.

#Jared #Personal #Long post about my life

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