#it doesn't help that we split a lot of doubles (as in introjects of the same person) and we feel like people would find that weird

[thethingything]

it is once again that time of night where we need to get ready for bed, but tonight’s weird thing is that we’re just kind of fighting the urge to overshare a bunch of stuff about how our system works apparently. Just sat here like “but what if we did just say what our sources are? what if we just talked openly about stuff like that?” and I know for a fact that the answer is that we’d have a panic attack almost immediately, but our brain is still there like “yeah but maybe that woudn’t happen...” - M

#personal #thoughts #M post #it's weird because we're a pretty large introject heavy system #and that means something like 98% of our alters (we worked it our at some point) are fictives/factives/etc #most of whom identify pretty strongly with their sources #and it makes talking to people weird because we're open about being fictives but people can get really weird about it #like creepy abusive weird #so we talk about our sources sometimes in private or in places where people won't be familiar with our sources #but the idea of publicly talking about it makes us really anxious #and yet we also really want to talk about it because it's a big deal to us #it doesn't help that because of the way the system works we usually have a group of alters who front more often #and that group changes over time #but it'll typically be a group of alters from the same source material #and we're scared of people saying stuff like ''okay well how come every alter I talk to seems to be from [media]? you must be faking'' #when it's actually just because the system has a weird internal structure #it doesn't help that we split a lot of doubles (as in introjects of the same person) and we feel like people would find that weird #we're not even sure how or why it happens but it happens a lot and it's weird for us so it must seem even weirder to singlets I think? #but we don't have any control over splitting #I think to an extent we're scared of people thinking we're roleplaying #or being like ''well why aren't you exactly like your source'' #or ''stop pretending to be this character'' #and a lot of us are kind of scared that people will figure out our sources from stuff we post about ourselves #but we also really want to talk about ourselves and get to know people and make friends #and for a lot of us we consider our sources to be an important part of our identity #we wish we could just talk about it casually without being constantly paranoid about people's reactions #to an extent though we're actually really worried that other people won't be comfortable talking to us #we have factives of people we know and stuff like that and we can see how maybe that could make people uncomfortable #I don't really know where I'm going with this #it's just a bunch of thoughts we keep going over

[osdd-1bitch]

Hi! Idk what to call myself except for the auditory hallucination anon so I guess we can abbreviate to A.H.A. pfff no need to answer I just need to like. Get this out of my brain.

I considered that maybe I was schizophrenic? But if I'm being honest my auditory hallucinations could've been caused by caffeine/my manic episodes. I self checked to make sure I wasn't manic to ensure that yeah maybe I'm a system? I'm not manic right now it's super easy for me to tell and I am also. Far too self aware. I also went back and double checked that some other mental issues I suffer from could be connected with my manic episodes and *coughs* cycle (hormones man. Desperately trying not to overshare here).

I recently settled into new meds and I haven't actually suffered from any of that stuff. It did cause two manic episodes in the beginning but again. New medicines. And since I've sort of always talked to people in my head off and on I don't think it's my medicines causing this.

I got worried that maybe I was overpathologizing HOWEVER I have talked to people in my head for a while. In elementary school I considered one specific systemmate an imaginary friend-- in middleschool I had another pop up after a year or two of stagnation, then in freshman year I had a few plus the old imaginary friend and an introject (who just took on her appearance) of another imaginary friend (we agreed on introject because it's a lot more complicated than her being an imaginary friend-- childhood alter ego doesn't sound correct LOL unless what I went through was that extensive that this developed much earlier than I thought. Which could be a possibility BUT I don't think I should worry about when I first split since it's a childhood thing and I can't remember a whole lot of it. Literally a whole two years is blocked out of my brain.

Also a fun fact. Which you probably know. Osdd can cause a disconnect from trauma while still retaining the memories. I thought I hadn't really connected with this (Which is why I looked into schizophrenia) at first but then one of them came forward (a little :c) and described to me in vivid detail how one of my traumas felt to them and I just. Oh. My stomach dropped because I completely blocked out a lot of the feelings towards it. (I know systemmates can communicate through feelings, correct? I think I felt some of hers.) I knew it was bad and that it definitely affected me in a certain way but I realized it had affected me a lot deeper than I thought.

Sorry this is like. Essay-length. This is why I feel like my systemmates are real, at least. We've been talking about making a system tumblr????? But I'm worried it'll be too soon to make a blog since we've been questioning for like. A whole week at the most. Maybe if we did we could dm you or something and talk privately? *shrugs*

I really hope I'm not oversharing too much? Anyways! Have a good one!

Yeah, id say if youve noticed symptoms from that far back, youve got a pretty high chance of osdd-1/did! and heck, even if you do have another thing causing hallucinations you can still have it, we have psychotic symptoms too and its not impossible.

the emotional disconnect is a mood, it can take a bit of reflection to really go "oh f/ck.." huh. and yes sysmates can communicate through emotions!

dont worry bout length, and yeah youve got what seems like a real solid foundation for your questioning! a sysblr could be helpful, especially if you are in the stage of questioning! you dont need a 1 month badge or anything. and totally, our dms are open!

and yeah imaginary friends turning out to be alters is very common

#A.H.A anon #anon #advice tag #(if you dont want this public tell me!)