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bristolvinylguy · 10 months

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Ain't It A Little Strange?-In Times New Roman… By Queens Of The Stone Age: Album Review, By Joe Guatieri

Introduction

6 years is a very long time.. I’ll just go out on a limb and say it, ‘Villains’ is a decent record but it was a big disappointment. That was the first Queens album that came out where I was a massive fan of theirs and I came out of it feeling indecisive and confused like something was missing. There were a few fantastic songs on that album but it wasn’t without its misfires too. It made the record in-turn spotty and the production didn’t help either. Things felt so controlled under the guidance of Mark Ronson, sure beats are great but what matters truly is feeling.

When least expected, suddenly the barn doors burst open wide and standing there are the members of Queens Of The Stone Age. Josh, Mikey, Jon, Dean and Troy are all battered and bruised but have another point to prove.

Song Mentions

Obscenery

‘In Times New Roman…’ opens up with weird guitar panning and sporadic bass. A strutting, blues-esque number that feels like it's at battle with life itself. The de-tuned choir sounds like the world around you is falling apart and you can’t help to think that maybe this was always going to happen anyway.

Paper Machete

This I think is the most conventional that Queens get on this record but they subvert it in their own special way which is wholly unique to them. Slabbering it with weirdness in terms of the production methods and instrumental moments. The guitar riff in this song sounds so driving and never lets up for a second, the key to this song is the little upstroke break. It makes for a lovely addition and keeps things from going stale. Last but by no means least, the best solo on a Queens song in years takes place here, bringing back that drunken stumble that I love so much. It feels like Little Sister’s ugly cousin who’s locked downstairs in the basement.

Carnavoyeur

I can’t believe what I’m going to say here but this song is an absolute epic in every sense of the word. At first it brings the atmosphere and puts you into a word of darkness with what seems like a sense of lost hope. Then all of a sudden from 0:56 to 1:10 I hear a beautiful vocal motif paired with these gorgeous lyrics from Josh, they sound so elegant in an almost heavenly type of way. Directly afterwards I hear the lyrics “Accept, enjoy the view. When there’s nothing I can do, I smile” this leads into a victorious solo of paired guitars that just soar in the sky. This is like the hopeful Son compared to A Song For The Deaf's god-fearing Dad. These moments of pure elegance and bliss happen again once more towards the end of the song. It is followed by an outro featuring both a furious drum roll and a bass over modulating to the point where everything in the track distorts at the climax. It feels like the rattling of chains before being set free and running towards the sunset. This song is not only its own world, it’s its own movie too. I have no other words than, this song is a masterpiece.

Emotion Sickness

The song that made me feel ecstatic about this album coming out. The introduction has Josh walking into a room whilst singing a vocal mantra, (maybe something to keep him going throughout after all the shit he’s been through). It sticks with me and I find it to be a very endearing moment before the song strikes at you like a viper. This song shows Queens at their catchiest on this record and only in a way that they can, subverting expectations throughout. Using these off-kilter syncopated sections, guitars sounding like horns and Josh showing that he has no fucks to spear as the band go into a beautiful chorus. I love this song so much, it’s just kickass.

Straight Jacket Fitting

Another heavy bluesy number that brings a lot of light to its name. The groove on this is impeccable as Josh sings about trying to help a partner that he’s losing hope with at a rapid rate. I think that this song ends metaphorically, with both of these people falling apart and being put into their own straight jackets and as they are pulled away, the band play them off. Then it ends with this fitting lovely little acoustic section. Again like I said previously about another song, this song is also like a play or a movie to me showing what it’s like when two people go crazy in different directions.

Other Positives To Note:

-The Rhythm Section (Bass/Mikey and Drums/Jon): Mikey and Jon have both got standout performances on this record. They are both at their absolute peak of talent and creativity. Always playing something that catches my ear and makes me think “what the fuck was that”. Mikey has some killer bass lines and grooves going on here, a particular highlight to me on the album for him is Time & Place. The song to me is like the Queens take on a Talking Heads song and he serves the song very well with his funky rhythm.

-The production: Masterful work here, very reminiscent of when Chris Goss was at the helm of it all with Josh. It’s clear and has a lot of snarl and bite. It’s all over the place in the best possible way. Always finding something intriguing that catches my ears. So many different styles come together here but no matter how much they change are always a benefit to the heart of the songs, bringing them forwards.

-The Vocals: Some of the performances here are right up there with the best in their catalogue. Josh’s vocals have only gotten better with age and feel so fitting here with the topics at hand. He gets right to the heart of the emotions that he’s been holding onto for so long. Again like with many other things on this album, there are a variety of different styles at play here and they all mesh well together to wrap a nice bow on top of the album.

Negatives:

-What the Peephole Say is good but has a very weird track placement I think, when it comes off the heels of Carnavoyeur. Just feels like an unnecessary change of pace, I feel like it would have better placement earlier on in the record at something like at tracks 4 or 5 and replaced with Made to Parade.

-Some of the lyrics don’t connect with me as much as others do. There are some misses here but I think that overall it’s a great package.

Conclusion

‘In Times New Roman…’ takes a little piece from every Queens record that came before it and marries that with a sense of vulnerability. To create a puzzle of progression altogether that values the old but comes out with the new, constructing a bridge that leads to an undiscovered forest full of ideas. Overall, this is one of the best return to forms that I think a band can have. There’s not a bad song on here and they are pushing the boundaries of their craft to its absolute limit. This album is a concise listen which bears its soul for everyone to see. I give it a very strong 8.5 out of 10.

R.I.P Mark Lanegan

#album review #qotsa #queens of the stone age #josh homme #michael shuman #dean fertita #troy van leeuwen #desert rock #stoner rock

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movienotesbyzawmer · 4 years

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October 24: Friday the 13th Part VI - Jason Lives

(previous notes: Friday the 13th - A New Beginning)

This, my fortunate acquaintances, is my lovingly prepared gift to you. These words, composed from the heart with precious little advance preparation, are meant to reflect my sincere and scholarly reactions to the Friday the 13th slasher movies of Hollywood, America.

So yeah, I'm watching the Friday the 13th movies and posting my extemporaneous (though cleaned up a bit after the fact) notes. We're at the sixth movie in the series. I caught some of this on cable when I was in high school and I remember telling people it was the worst movie of all time, even though I probably only watched a half-hour middle chunk of it. It's probably much, much better than I'd given it credit for. It's probably so good. It is probably so god damned good. My upper lip is trembling as I engage the “play” functionality on my movie playing device.

So far my favorite thing about it is that it's on the same disc as the previous movie so I didn't have to change discs. Ooh, I bet that means it isn't too long either!

It starts with some quick, effective exposition. It's Tommy and a friend of his, driving somewhere. It's not even the same actor that played Tommy last time, but they are very clear with the dialogue that they have sneaked out of the institution to go to Jason's grave and "send him to hell". The friend has clownish mannerisms. Whenever they want us to think someone's funny, they don't actually use creativity to generate humor. Someone just tells someone to behave the way funny people behave.

Ooh, they came to Jason's grave and dug it up. They open the coffin and hoo boy that is a very maggoty, wormy corpse.

Remember, Jason wasn't even in the last movie in a he's-real way. So the last we saw of him was when younger-Tommy killed him all by himself two movies ago. The acting by this Tommy actor guy is effectively conveying that that was a big deal for him.

Oh my god, the movie just got way worse. In a Shakespearean moment of passion, Tommy stabs the corpse of Jason with a spear-rod-thing that was in the graveyard. But lightning strikes it and it reanimates Jason! Other than being very rot-faced behind the hockey mask, Jason is now the same old Jason we've come to know and love. Clownish guy tries to club him, but Jason just shoves his boney arm through Clownish Guy's body really easily. Tommy runs away…

…and two fast movie references happen. For some reason, a music cue uses that same memorable theme that was used in The Shining that's actually something else; the idea clearly is "we'll use the Shining music in here". It’s Beethoven or something, right? But also, the title happens and is an overt lampooning of the openings of the James Bond series. The whole looking through the gun sight thing, but it's Jason throwing a machete instead of James Bond shooting his gun. This movie comparing itself to those movies is pretty haughty.

Tommy goes to the police, and they don't care what he says, he's trouble! They lock him up! I don't think he mentioned that his friend got killed.

Now a middle-class-looking couple is driving through the woods. The guy is played by Tony Goldwyn whose career as an actor and director has risen well above this movie. Wasn't he like the main guy on the show Scandal? Anyway, he doesn't last long in this movie; Jason blocks their way and stabs the car, and then stabs TG, and then stabs the girl. With a spear, each of them. Probably the one that helped reanimate him.

Uh oh, the cop who locked up Tommy has a daughter who is in a group of camp counselors! They're going to go be camp counselors at a nearby camp! They are flip about the legendary murders! No one will listen to Tommy!

0:19:55 - Here's a twist… the counselors get to the camp and continue to joke dismissively about murder… and a bus arrives full of children! This movie is going to take place when the kids are actually at the camp! We haven't seen that before. Why did I ever say anything bad about this movie.

Nearby there are some corporate business people playing paintball as a work retreat! Jason is watching them. Ch. Ha. One of them we never even see speak to anyone runs into Jason and Jason kills him by grabbing him by the arm and throwing him face first into a tree so hard that his face just liquefies, plus the arm comes off.

So here's what happens next - a group of three paintballers gets killed by Jason who just shows up in front of them and machetes them all in one swipe. But nearby there is another paintballer who we saw a little bit before, and he is a comically bumbling buffoon. Like, when they cast him, they got the ten nerdiest looking men they could find and told them to all act as bumblingly foolish as possible, and they cast the one who was the most bumblingly foolish. But he gets away.

The plot kind of stays around Jason's grave because the gravedigger had come upon the disturbed grave and cleaned it up. He muttered a monologue about making sure no one thought he was a bad gravedigger. Now this movie is comparing itself to Hamlet. So now Tommy tries to convince the cop/dad that his story about Jason is true... but the grave is normal looking and that contradicts Tommy’s story. What a disaster for Tommy. But that gravedigger sure saved face.

0:30:00 - Now it's nighttime and some people are in the woods. There's this new couple, which includes a guy played by a TV personality named Roger Rose that I recognized when I saw this scene back then. It is stunt casting, and yet he is an extremely obscure personality for us in 2020. But also the gravedigger is just wandering in the woods all drunk. Jason kills them all. He's just been using the machete; there's no ingenuity about death types on these last ones. And they're just quick scares. Just kind of unremarkable. Part of what you’re looking forward to if you like these movies is the revelation of how he kills someone, but we’re missing out on so much of that sweet joy.

We return to the camp and see the kids asleep in their barracks. I so dare you to convince me that there is a better word than “barracks” for this room full of kid beds. Anyway, one of the kids, age approximately 7, had fallen asleep reading No Exit by Jean-Paul Sartre! What kind of nutty Friday the 13th movie is this anyway.

Young couple doing an odd sex dance to 80s music in an RV. Perfect fodder for Jason. Ch ch ch ch ch! Ha ha ha ha ha! Jason cuts the power cord to the RV so they can't do their sex bop. They are afraid so they drive away, but Jason is inside! The guy is driving and reveling in the fact that he chose loud rock music to listen to as they drive away, but Jason kills the girl by pressing her face so hard into the wall of the RV that it makes an imprint. Then he kills the guy, still driving the car, with a knife right through the head. Very quick edits, minimal gore. The RV overturns but Jason emerges triumphantly.

News of the last bunch of murders has already reached DadCop, and he concludes that Tommy is doing murders in a Jason-esque manner just to "prove" that "Jason" is "real". You can't fool DadCop; he has seen it all before.

One thing I remember noticing back in the 80s is that Jason was invariably shot in a very stark, non-dramatic way. Just a character like the other ones. He's not shadowy or mysterious. Earlier movies achieved more tension by doing POV shots instead of just regular he-is-walking shots.

Tommy and Daughter had a conversation on the phone that sets up that the two of them are going to collaborate on Tommy's plan. Daughter is pretty committed, but also her whole attitude is inappropriately amused. She's smiling about everything like "ooh fun what exciting hijinks are we getting into, whatever it is I'm game".

One of Daughter's counselor friends just got killed. Jason pulled her through the window from outside and twisted her head right off her body. I think Jason is stronger than he's been in other movies.

Daughter and Tommy totally get busted by her father. She thought she could get away with going somewhere but DadCop is too smart for her. No going-somewhere for you, Daughter!

For a second there we saw Jason skulking around the actual sleeping kids, but then he is seen skulking somewhere else. A Little Blond Girl seems to be a little observant about creepy goings-on so she has been complaining, and Jason keeps an eye on that situation ch ch ch ha ha ha.

0:56:45 - Hey, I like this couple of shots! A counselor is reassuringly tucking Little Blond Girl in, and as she stands up, Jason is watching them through the window. Right next to her and very big and visible, but the counselor isn’t facing the window, so she doesn’t see him. She walks through the room and we see Jason through other windows following her, they did a good job.

A couple of minutes of spooky, decently-filmed suspense happens as that counselor is alone and worried. That ends with Jason coming in and Jasoning her. A smear of blood appears on a window, and a moment later her body gets thrown through it in a way that truly looks icky.

Tommy and Daughter came up with a cunning plan to bust out of jail and continue working on Tommy's End Jason Once And For All project. We see the movie's attempt to give them romantic tension, and although it isn't very good, I've probably seen worse. I've seen a lot of movies. I've seen I Love Trouble.

DadCop and two deputies get to the camp just in time because the kids are now without any counselors. The two deputies go separately to search the grounds and one of them gets killed with an arrowhead or something like that in the head, Jason flings it with admirable precision at his forehead. The other one actually found Little Blond Girl who tells him about the scary man. Then the scary man is there! The deputy shoots Jason several times from just a foot away but nothing happens to Jason. Jason grabs the deputy's head and just smooshes it. This exact thing has happened to me several times.

DadCop comes upon Jason and shoots him with a shotgun. That causes Jason to lie down on the ground for 1.5 seconds, then get back up again. DadCop tries this several more times with the same results, then runs away.

The kids are scared and hiding, but one of them has a couple of uninspired wisecracks that I could type out here for you but my fingers won't let me, they know I would regret it, they know me so well these fingers.

Also Tommy and Daughter have arrived and seem to not be unified about how to proceed. While they are working through that difficulty, Jason found DadCop and killed him by folding him at the waist in a way that honestly probably wouldn't be immediately fatal but it looks so awkward that you'd probably just want to be dead, just think how people would stare.

Tommy is on a boat trying to lure Jason into the actual lake where he had drowned, and he has a chain-plus-boulder contraption that he has prepared for the occasion. Also part of the plan involves drizzling some gasoline onto the surface of the water and lighting it. Jason walks into the middle of the lake toward him and Tommy lights the lake on fire. That must be possible because I'm seeing it with my own eyes.

After using their arm limbs to flail at each other, Tommy actually succeeds in throwing the chain-boulder-thing around Jason and anchoring him to the bottom of the lake! But somehow he can't extricate himself from Jason's grasp and very quickly drowns. Also the boat broke in half.

Daughter swims over there to try to save Tommy and Jason grabs at her while still anchored. A series of deliberately unrevealing angles makes it look like she can, and does, start up the boat engine and kill Jason with the propeller. She then drags Tommy to shore and saves him.

But Jason is still anchored down there, we see, and he's alive and looking at the stuff that is in front of his face. That's the end of the movie! I think they sincerely hope that you had a good time watching it, and also they sincerely don't mind if you don't ever think about it again for the rest of your life.

(next: Friday the 13th Part VII - The New Blood)

#Friday the 13th

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yesvac · 5 years

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back 2 san jose island

no meme here is my lesbian play for anyone interested let me know what u think : ) also when i paste onto tumblr it may fuck up the formatting but i promise i formatted it correctly in docs.

warning: lol (lots of lesbians) also this is zombie apocalypse

Back to San Jose Island

SETTING

Post-nuclear apocalypse life in Texas, USA: now “Tejas.” The sun beats down heavily and the dust settles in every corner. There are walls around each human settlement made from wood, tires, and junk metal. Every character is dirty and rough around the edges.

CHARACTERS

ZOEY: A small and fiery young adult with a habitual tendency to pills and other drugs. When she isn’t high, she’s confrontational, witty, sarcastic, and good with her hands. To make money, she crafts weapons. Her manner is usually humorous, even in dangerous situations.

ALEX: An apocalypse assassin with a mysterious and unreadable disposition. She is ambitious, impersonal, and unemotional. She rarely jokes or displays any personal thoughts or emotions, and kills without mercy. She is on the hunt for the cure to the zombie virus plaguing her time.

WILLIE: Zoey’s best friend, and drug dealer. During the day, he runs an odds-and-ends shop in his village, but he sells drugs under the table to an assortment of customers including Zoey. His disposition is hunched and generally nervous. He is too afraid to arm himself, even if he has the ability to. He rarely leaves the walls of his town. He wears denim and layers of flannel.

SCENE ONE

Downtown in a post-apocalyptic village by the name of SAN MARCOS. It’s near-sunset, almost dark, and the decent folk have their children and themselves inside. In the apocalypse, lawlessness reins; as nighttime falls, we hear music from bars get louder, and the daytime businesses close up. ZOEY enters through the front gate, armed with a postapocalypse-urban leather jacket and several knives; she’s not from here. As she walks towards the downtown area with the shops and bars, she hears a bang from inside a business, and a crash.

ZOEY

Wha- HEY!

As a gunshot explodes, ZOEY ducks down and covers her head with her arms. She looks terrified, and then angry.

Willie, I swear to fuck if you’re shooting at me, I’m gonna be really mad.

She rolls her eyes, and then sneaks from her crouching position to open the front door of the business. It unlocks with a click, and we see WILLIE and ALEX.

ALEX, strong, muscular, and survivor-esque, is holding a pistol with her right hand, pointed directly at ZOEY’s face. In her left, she has WILLIE in a stronghold with a serrated machete pressed to his throat. WILLIE, a coward, looks confused and terrified.

ZOEY

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, alright? I’m chill. So is Willie. So why do you have my friend in a headlock?

ALEX’s face is cold and hard. She looks at ZOEY, assessing her.

ALEX

Not for any reason you’d have to worry about. So I suggest you turn around and leave.

ZOEY

No can do, my friend. Your name is…? Or is that another thing I’m not allowed to know?

ZOEY cocks her head to the side. She’s ballsy. ALEX isn’t impressed.

ALEX

I could kill you with one shot. It’d be clean and quick.

WILLIE whimpers in fear. ALEX tightens her hold on him.

ZOEY

Then do it. What’s stopping you?

ALEX narrows her eyes.

ALEX

What’s stopping me... is that’s what you want. I’m not wasting a bullet to fund your suicide.

ZOEY

I’m offended! Why, even turned on!

ALEX’s expression goes from controlled to confused and rigid. She obviously was not expecting that. She attempts to hide her embarrassment.

ALEX

empathetic

Please, just leave. It’ll make it easier for everyone.

then, firm

I’m serious.

ZOEY

I’m not leaving. But the first thing you can do is let Willie go. He’s not a threat. When we were six, he cried because a butterfly landed on his nose. Just let him go.

ALEX thinks for a moment, and then loosens her hold on WILLIE. He sputters, dropping to the floor and scrambling away from ALEX, towards ZOEY. ALEX’s other hand goes to her gun, which she continues to point between ZOEY’s eyes.

ALEX

Fine. Whatever. But I’m not leaving here until I get the information I need. And I have no reservations about killing either of you to get what I want.

ZOEY

Okay, we get it, you’re a ruthless murderer. What is it that you need so you can go the fuck away?

ALEX

Your friend here. He sells goods.

ZOEY smirks. WILLIE is looking at his feet, still sitting on the floor, barely together.

ZOEY

I’m aware. He’s a damn good dealer. Got the best prices in town.

ALEX

I get it. He sells drugs under the table. It’s pretty obvious. I don’t care about that. But the suppliers for drugs are the same guys who make what I need.

ZOEY

And what is that, exactly?

ALEX

You wouldn’t understand.

The two women are slowly becoming more confrontational. ZOEY, a bold and fiery survivor, is becoming more fearless, even with the barrel of ALEX’s gun pressed to her forehead. She howls out in sarcastic laughter when ALEX says this.

ZOEY

Why? Because I’m a scavenger and you’re some type of big shot? What do you do for a living, miss? Paid-by-the-hour Debby Downer? Professional asshole?

ALEX holsters her gun, sighing, and rolling her eyes, obviously frustrated with the situation.

ALEX

It’s a scientific development not revealed to the public. It’s not something most could understand. Even me.

WILLIE

shakily

I told you, I don’t know where it is, or what it is for that matter.

ALEX

That doesn’t help me at all. Just help me and we can be through with this. Nobody has to get hurt.

WILLIE

stuttering

I can tell you my supplier’s name. But if I do you can’t tell him it’s me -- if I loose this avenue of work-- I could--

ALEX

I decide that, kid, not you. Tell me the name.

WILLIE

His name-- his name is Dustin Bigg. Goes by Dusty. He has bigger connections than I even know. He’s not at this compound. It’s about a 3 hour drive south of here. In a compound called Wholesale, on San Jose Island.

ALEX thinks for a moment, nods in WILLIE’s direction, and turns to ZOEY.

ALEX

Don’t follow me.

She walks out, the shop bell ringing as the door closes behind her. WILLIE breathes a sigh of relief.

ZOEY

What the fuck was that about?

WILLIE

I’m not sure, really. Not sure why she came to me, anyway. But when she first got here, she was yammering about something about a cure.

ZOEY

A cure? Really? She’s one of those nutjobs?

WILLIE

I guess so. Fuck. I really hope she doesn’t kill my supplier. If I was cut off I’d… I’d…

WILLIE is clearly very stressed. He’s a bit less anxious as when ALEX was in his store, but he still runs his hands through his hair, and his face is soaked in sweat.

ZOEY

Listen, Willie. Did you get her name?

WILLIE

Why does it matter? Why’d you come here anyway?

ZOEY

I was hoping you could, y’know, set me up.

WILLIE looks off into the distance for a moment, in thought.

WILLIE

I don’t feel very good about this.

ZOEY

What?

WILLIE

Well… you know...

ZOEY

I don’t.

WILLIE

Your problem.

ZOEY

With increasing anger

I don’t have a problem, Willie. I just saved your life and now you don’t want to sell me drugs? What about selling more to support your family, eh?

WILLIE

I know, Zoey. Settle down. C’mon.

WILLIE is scared of ZOEY. It makes sense - she is very confrontational, and not afraid of anything. WILLIE’s afraid of everything. He ducks behind the front counter and emerges with a box of powders in different colors.

ZOEY

Three, please, of these. And one of those. Thanks.

ZOEY hands him money, and he stows it away. ZOEY puts the drugs into a pocket in her bag.

ZOEY

I think I’m gonna go after her. Did you catch her name?

WILLIE

Are you crazy? She almost killed us!

ZOEY

No, she didn’t. She pointed a gun at me and put a knife against your throat. She didn’t have an intent to kill that entire time. It was hilarious.

WILLIE

under his breath

You’re so strange.

ZOEY

A name, Willie?

WILLIE

I think I caught it when she was looking through her belongings in her bag. I think her name is Alex.

ZOEY

Alex.

ZOEY nods at WILLIE, smiles, and heads out of the shop. The bell dings behind her. WILLIE sighs, and slumps against his counter in exhaustion.

As soon as ZOEY leaves, she spots a car parked nearby. The windows are open and playing jazz. It’s dark outside, and the sky is clear. ALEX sits on her car hood, smoking a cigarette and looking up at the stars. ZOEY approaches the car slowly.

ZOEY

Boo!

ALEX doesn’t flinch.

ALEX

Hi. (beat) I think I told you not to follow me?

ZOEY

Yeah, but how could I resist? You, just sitting here, smoking a pack of Marlboros. It’s like all my teenage lesbian dreams at once.

Another moment of embarrassed awkwardness. ALEX doesn’t know how to respond to ZOEY’s flirting - but it doesn’t bother ZOEY.

Can I sit with you?

ALEX

No.

ZOEY

Okay.

ZOEY sits down on the concrete nearby ALEX’s car, and pulls out her own thing to smoke - a marijuana joint. She pulls out a black lighter and lights up, taking a breath in and holding it before blowing it out towards the sky. ALEX watches her smoke.

ALEX

Why are you still here?

ZOEY

I don’t know, Alex.

ALEX’s eyebrows furrow.

ALEX

How did you-

ZOEY

It doesn’t matter. Do you want to hit this?

ALEX looks confused, but nods, and gestures of ZOEY to climb onto the car hood with her. They sit next to each other, and ZOEY hands ALEX the joint to smoke. ALEX coughs a bit; ZOEY smiles.

ALEX

I know your name too, you know. Zoey.

ZOEY

I’m flattered.

ALEX

I needed to know how to manipulate Willie. You were just on a list of possible ins.

ZOEY

Not so flattered anymore. Hey, listen, why is this thing-- why is it so important to you?

ALEX gets a look on her face like she’s fixated on something in the distance.

ALEX

It’s not just important to me, Zoey. It’s important for all of us. For the whole world.

ZOEY’s eyes narrow.

ZOEY

What, you’re gonna save the world, or something?

ALEX

It’s not that simple - easier said than done, as always. But that’s the goal.

ZOEY

Holier-than-thou bullshit.

ALEX

Excuse me?

ZOEY

There’s always people who say they’re so close to finding the cure. That there’s a group, or a compound, or a state out there with a vaccination. A medical procedure that’s going to help. Some sort of herbal concoction of ancient medicine that grants immunity. Some far-off procedure to make the dead once again living. A modern medicine that will make walkers not walk anymore. But they’re all bullshit.

The two girls are quiet for a moment. ZOEY continues to smoke.

ALEX

That’s a generalization. (beat) Don’t you want to have hope for the future?

ZOEY

Sure. Doesn’t everyone? But I’m not going to put my faith into every medical miracle I hear about.

ALEX

Suit yourself. I want to-- no, need to be a part of something that is bigger than myself. I need to help.

ZOEY

And helping is pressing a knife to my friend’s throat to get him to tell you the name of his superiors?

ALEX

Is that what this is about? Geez, I barely even roughed him up.

ZOEY

What this is about is: I want to know why you have so much faith in finding a cure. Are you just naive and stupid, or are the people you work for- are they the real deal?

ALEX

First off. I don’t work for anyone. I’m solo. Keeps things simpler. And the trail I’m following -- I think -- could be a lead to curing undeath.

ZOEY

I want to join you.

ALEX

No.

ZOEY

Come on. You didn’t even think about it.

ALEX

I have been thinking about it ever since you entered Willie’s shop. It’s clear that you’re itching to do something, to latch onto anything. I knew you were going to ask me. I was waiting for you.

ZOEY

Don’t give yourself too much credit. I’m not exactly subtle. (beat) Why not?

ALEX

You’d be a liability. I like working alone. I’m not good with people. You’re probably not properly trained. You could die. You could turn against me and kill me in my sleep. There’s a lot of reasons why.

ZOEY

But I bet you want to.

ALEX’s lip quivers. She looks away.

Right? There’s no other reason why you would have waited for me. Just to tell me off? I don’t think so. To give me another chance to talk to you. To convince you.

ALEX

Do you have family?

ZOEY

No.

ALEX

Okay. Let’s go.

ZOEY breaks out in a smile, one that ALEX finds indecent. ALEX throws her lit cigarette onto the pavement and gets into her car, turning it on. ZOEY celebrates her victory with a grin and a personal congratulatory motion before getting into the passengers seat. The car backs out and begins to drive out of the gates of the small town and into the open roads.

SCENE TWO

ALEX’s car. ALEX has been driving for a while, and kills the motor by turning her keys. She then turns to face ZOEY, which, to her surprise, has fallen asleep in the passenger’s seat.

ALEX

Quietly, to herself

Shit. Should I wake her up?

ALEX reaches over tentatively to touch ZOEY’s arm, and ZOEY, in her sleep, lets out a snore. ALEX laughs and smiles to herself, shaking her head.

I’ll just give her a second.

After cranking down her window, ALEX pulls out a pack of cigarettes, and takes a cigarette out. She lights it easily with practiced fingers and a black lighter. She inhales and exhales, staring into the distance. After a minute, ZOEY wakes up, crinkling her nose.

ALEX

Awake?

ZOEY

Yeah, thanks to your iron lungs.

ALEX

Want a smoke?

ZOEY

No thank you.

ZOEY yawns.

Where are we?

ALEX

We left from Rio Vista about a couple hours ago. I’m not sure when you fell asleep. It’s pretty late, so I pulled over outside a smaller settlement.

ZOEY

And where are we going again? You know, security of self, and all?

ALEX

Rolling her eyes

You’re secure. But fine. We’re on our way to San Jose island.

ZOEY

I think I remember that name. But before the outbreak - it wasn’t somewhere people lived, right?

ALEX

Correct.

ZOEY

Then why do you need to go there? Aren’t you looking for someone?

ALEX

There weren’t people there before the outbreak. But there are now. Like Willie said - a settlement called Wholesale. And there are also several plants and animals native to just that island that will help in the search for a cure. Ingredients that can be used for medical experimentation.

ZOEY

Wow, you’re a nerd. Okay. San Jose Island. How far away is that from here, exactly?

ALEX

It’ll be another 2 hours on the road, and a little boat ride. Unless you want to swim.

ZOEY

I loved swimming before the outbreak, actually.

ALEX smiles in a sad way. You can tell she misses “before the outbreak” life.

ALEX

Me too.

ZOEY

What were you like, before?

ALEX

Why do you need to know?

ZOEY

C’mon. You let me come with you. Humor me.

ALEX

Well…

A VISION OF THE PAST. In front of the parked car, we see a young child version of ALEX walk gracefully to front center stage. She is wearing flowy clothing.

I used to love to dance.

Light, jovial string music begins to play, and PAST ALEX dances in a graceful ballerina style along with it.

ZOEY

You don’t dance anymore?

PAST ALEX dances off of the stage and the music fades out. ALEX’s face darkens.

ALEX

What’s the point? Dancing doesn’t help anyone.

ZOEY

But it made you happy, right?

ALEX

Zoey, leave it.

ZOEY

I’m just saying… even though the world sucks, you still have to do things for yourself sometimes, right? I don’t know… maybe you’d be happier if you did.

ALEX

There really isn’t time for me to be putting aside for plies, Zoey.

ZOEY

Alright, alright. So what’s the plan?

ALEX

We’re parked just outside Big Bend. It’s a smaller settlement. I think we could probably find someplace to sleep there.

ZOEY

Sounds good to me.

The two girls exit ALEX’s car and walk to the gates of the settlement. A man in various metal and leather armor greets them, eyeing them suspiciously.

GUARD

Who are you?

ALEX

We’re just travellers. Hoping to stay the night.

GUARD

Your car - it caught the attention of the herd. They’re coming near here. Know how to fight?

ALEX

Sure.

ZOEY makes a face. She’s not so sure.

GUARD

Okay. If you can help me fight ‘em off, you’ve got a room for the night.

ZOEY

We can’t just, I don’t know, go inside?

GUARD

Not exactly. They’d be clawing at the walls, and our defenses aren’t the best they’ve ever been.

ALEX pulls out a large combat knife from her belt-holster and holds it at the ready. ZOEY, realizing that this is happening (whether she likes it or not), pulls a machete from her cross-body strap holster.

GUARD

They’re coming.

A group of 4 zombies clamber onstage, towards our main characters. Silently, ALEX lunges forward and plants the blade of her knife in the nearest zombie, forcing it to the ground and pulling out her knife. For good measure, she stomps on its head as she moves forward to perform the same procedure on the next one. The guard smashes one walker’s head against the walls of the compound, and ZOEY stabs the last one in the chest with her machete. It gets stuck, the walker still growling and struggling to bite her, and she yells for help. ALEX appears heroically, and stabs the walker bluntly in its cranium.

ZOEY

out of breath, filled with adrenaline

Thanks.

ALEX nods. She is still impersonal. They fight off the next 3 walkers that come near the walls.

GUARD

I think that’s the worst of it. I could get the rest of them. Thanks - y’all aren’t half bad.

ZOEY

smiling

It’s all her.

The guard calls up to another guard elevated in a watcher position, and the gate to the compound opens. BIG BEND. It is a smaller compound, and the girls catch it in the dead of the night. Almost everyone is asleep, and the buildings are quiet. The one building that seems lively is the bar of the town, with music playing from inside, and the lights are still lit.

GUARD

Second house on the left. My wife and I live there. We have a room for you two to stay in.

ALEX

Thank you. I appreciate it.

The gate closes, and the girls walk inside.

ZOEY

It’s kind of nice, isn’t it?

ALEX

No nicer than the other dozens of compounds around Tejas. Why?

ZOEY

I don’t know. Look at the flowerbeds. It seems like life here is slower.

ALEX

It’s… nice, I guess. Just not exactly what I’m looking for.

ALEX yawns.

Let’s get to that room.

ZOEY

Sure.

They walk silently to the house that the guard has indicated, and ALEX knocks three raps on the brightly painted front door. There is silence in response, and then some rustling inside. The door opens a crack, and the girls are met with an adolescent teenage boy in pajamas. He peers at them strangely. It seems like he has just woken up.

ALEX

Um- hi, there. We’re travellers. The guard at the gate told us we could stay in a room here.

BOY

Oh. Sure. That was my dad. Come in, I’ll show you.

The house is nicely decorated with knick-knacks of the past world covering each surface. There are garden gnomes, pottery, glass animals, carved woods, framed pictures, and other worn odds-and-ends. Also, there are some mounted heads of animals, indicating successful hunting. ZOEY looks around in wonder and amazement. She has never seen a home like this.

The boy brings them up a set of stairs to a room and opens the door to the bedroom. We see that it only has one bed. The room is tiny, and there isn’t much floor space - but the bed is big enough for two people.

ALEX

Oh.

ALEX shifts uncomfortably.

Is there another mattress anywhere?

BOY

No. Sorry, miss… Goodnight.

The boy exits, closing the door behind him, and ALEX and ZOEY are left alone again. They both look like they’re not sure what to do. The awkwardness in the air is palpable.

ZOEY

Well, I guess we should start getting ready for bed.

ALEX

Zoey, I can’t.

ZOEY

Can’t what?

ALEX

Um…

ALEX looks over to the bed, and back at ZOEY.

ZOEY

Oh, come on. Get over yourself. You say “I’m the smartest person you’ll ever meet” but you can’t even share a bed with someone?

ALEX

Shut the fuck up. I’m just saying. I don’t want to… you know, cross any boundaries.

ZOEY

Well, you’re welcome to sleep on the floor - be my guest. But there’s a bed, and I’m tired. So I’m sleeping on it.

There is a bit of tenseness in the room that isn’t direct, but awkward. ALEX begins to take off her equipment, including holsters and knives and guns, and arranges them neatly on the dresser opposite to the bed.

ALEX

I’m… I’m sorry. I’ll sleep in the bed.

ZOEY

You don’t have to be sorry. It’s okay.

ZOEY strips off her outerwear, including her shirt and pants with no regard to the other girl in the room. ALEX immediately blushes, averting her eyes. ZOEY yawns, and burrows into the blankets on the bed. ALEX, with her outerwear still on, tentatively pulls back the blankets to get under them.

Are you going to wear your jacket to bed?

ALEX

I’m… I… I think so.

ZOEY

Okay.

ALEX reaches over to the nightstand and extinguishes the lantern providing the room with light. She lays back into the bed, staring at the ceiling.

ALEX

Zoey?

ZOEY

Yeah?

ALEX

Goodnight.

ZOEY

Night, Alex.

SCENE 3

THE NEXT MORNING, the BIG BEND GUEST BEDROOM. Through the window shines a morning light. ALEX wakes up first, and finds through wary eyes that she took off her jacket in the night, now only wearing a worn cutoff black t-shirt and pants. She and ZOEY are accidentally intertwined, and it makes ALEX blush severely, quickly retracting her hands from their place around ZOEY’s waist. She shakes her head, and begins to redress, but ZOEY wakes up.

ZOEY

Ugh. It feels so early.

ALEX

Do you sleep ‘till noon every day? God, I wish I was as careless as you.

ZOEY

Hey, back off. For real though, I slept well last night.

ALEX blushes again, turning away as ZOEY gets out of bed. In the morning light, ZOEY is beautiful: medium-dark skin in a worn set of underwear, sleepy eyes and messy, dark hair. It is impossible for ALEX to look at her. ZOEY begins to redress.

ALEX

Yeah. Me too.

ZOEY

What’s on the schedule for today?

ALEX

I think we can get there today. Just a couple more hours of driving. And then we find Dusty Biggs.

ZOEY

Know anything about Dusty before Willie told you about him?

ALEX

Oh yeah. Plenty. He’s a big name in medicine and drugs. Kind of a druggie himself.

ZOEY

Sounds like a criminal I could chill with.

ALEX

Really?

ZOEY

What! I like junkies! They’re relatable.

ALEX

This junkie’s a bad guy. He likes to do hard drug experiments on people. It’s… not fun stuff.

ZOEY

Experiments?

ALEX

You don’t want to know. Let’s go.

The two exit the GUEST BEDROOM, and appear downtown BIG BEND. People walk and chat, mostly gathering around dining area of the compound, having a breakfast with eggs and vegetables. On the way out, ALEX grabs them two water bottles and two protein bars. They exit BIG BEND, entering…

ALEX’s car. As ALEX turns the key and drives away, ZOEY buckles in and leans back. After leaving the compound, ALEX gets onto the road and is freely driving.

ZOEY

Hey, Alex.

ALEX

What?

ZOEY

You’ve been weird since this morning.

ALEX’s eyebrows furrow.

ALEX

What do you mean?

ZOEY

Well, for starters, you won’t look at me. I thought it was maybe exhaustion but I’m more tired than you. So what’s wrong?

ALEX remembers the morning, the way ZOEY looked in the sunlight from the window. She also remembers how warm her arms and torso were from being beside ZOEY in the night.

ALEX

Nothing.

ZOEY

No! Something’s up.

ALEX

outburst

Fine. Fine! I woke up with my arms around you.

Awkward silence.

ZOEY

Well, that’s okay.

ALEX

No, Zoey, it’s…

ZOEY

Alex, why are you acting so weird about it? I think you’re cute. Is there something wrong about that?

ALEX

It’s just…

ZOEY

If you don’t like girls I get it, I just wanted to shoot my shot, y’know--

ALEX

Zoey, I like girls. Shit, I mean, I like you. It’s just weird. Romance. I feel like I’m not… great at it.

ZOEY

Oh. Well that’s silly.

ALEX

Silly?

ZOEY

Yeah. Silly. The world ended 8 years ago. When I was 10, and I bet when you were pretty young, too.

ALEX

I was 11.

ZOEY

We grew up without any guidance on relationships, how to flirt, how to act on your feelings in a healthy way… It makes sense to feel awkward about it.

ALEX

Why don’t you?

ZOEY

Simple lack of shame when I’m around cute girls.

ALEX laughs, but she’s still blushing. She pulls over on the side of the road, and parks the car, killing the ignition. She looks at ZOEY.

ALEX

Last night… It was nice.

ZOEY smiles, a bit sadly. She puts her hand on the side of ALEX’s face, brushing ALEX’s dark hair behind her ear. Their faces are close.

ZOEY

Quietly

Oh, really?

ALEX

Yes.

ZOEY leans forward, her eyes fluttering closed as ALEX’s do at the same time. Their lips connect, A CHASTE KISS, but one that makes ALEX’s whole body quiver and shrink up. They disconnect, and ALEX avoids eye contact, blushing immensely.

ZOEY

You’re adorable.

ALEX

No, you’re--

Suddenly, A WALKER!

It bangs its head against the window on the driver’s side, splattering glass all over ALEX! ZOEY screams, and ALEX’s words fade to a yell as she manuevers to turn on the car. She ignites the engine, and starts to drive, but the walker bangs its head into the window again. ZOEY, yelling, lunges forward with her machete, nailing it in the head and tossing it out the window.

After they get onto open road, ZOEY begins to laugh, manic.

ALEX

What? What, you weirdo?

ZOEY

Between fits of laughter

My- my machete. I left it back there.

ALEX

Why… is that funny?

ZOEY

I don’t know!

ZOEY takes a few breathes, dizzy with laughter.

But aren’t you so happy to be alive?

ALEX smiles.

#my writing

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joeyvintage · 4 years

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https://www.videoreligion.net/2019/01/violent-shit-2-mother-hold-my-hand-1992.html?m=1

-rev terry

I think if I were a badass, I would need a metal mask or full covering helmet of some kind. Not for the armor aspect, although head protection is always good, I'm just a fan of the look. I would wear one in my daily life now, but they are probably expensive, and people would expect me to do something cool (as I too would expect of a dude with a metal head). All my favorite villains had one in my youth. Both Magneto and Dr. Doom from the comics commanded respect and fucked shit up while wearing some metal on their heads. They were probably my earliest examples, but honestly, that's enough to have secured my love for the style. Their helmets were both semi utilitarian but mostly just looked really awesome with their cape combo. In cartoons, GI Joe took the effects of mirrored sunglasses to the next level with Cobra Commander, as he sometimes just had a smooth piece of chrome covering his face. I can get down with that--the blank and shiny look. It’s stylish features even distracted from his shrill sounding voice. I would probably go with something a little more personalized myself, but would definitely want something metal. It just completes the whole look for me. Something about a good sturdy helmet just fits with murder and mayhem. Karl the Butcher gets it. That's why, when he died, along with his love for over-the-top murder, he passed his fancy medieval headwear down to his son, so he would be properly dressed for his own adventure in Violent Shit II (1992).

Long after the events of the first film, two makeshift drug distributing gangs meet up in an open field to engage in something nefarious with a briefcase. For whatever reason, the deal sours, and the two groups go at eliminating each other in various gusher inducing ways. The battle whittles the congregation of assorted backyard wrestles down to a one on one duel between the leaders who both happen to practice kung fu and enjoy white button-up t-shirts. After some fancy moves, one of them slays the other in combat and begins to leave the scene (sans all his dead homies, I guess) but is stopped in his tracks by the sight of a large masked man yelling at him on the horizon. Turns out Karl Butcher Jr, son of the legendary mass murderer, was out for a stroll, spotted the dealers killing each other, and, not to be left out, had rushed to join. Very quickly, Karl (Andreas Schnaas) is on top of the would-be lone brawl survivor and promptly fucks him up with a machete just before the screen goes black. Following its intro and sparse opening credits, the film takes the form of a true crime documentary in development by reporter Paul Glas. Paul believes a string of recent murders can be linked back to The Butcher massacre from twenty years before (and also, the whole thing has something to do with real-life serial killer Fritz Honka...I think?). After divulging the history of Karl senior for a bit over panning random footage of Germany, the reporter follows a tip leading to an interview with some dude in a bar who confirms his suspicions. The Deepthroat-esque “DR. X” then tells him a few stories about the original culprit’s son who, mad about a face rash or something (honestly between the bad subs and silly plot I'm still dim on some details, but it doesn't really matter), had also already done some minor rampaging of his own in the last few years . Switching formats once again, we catch up with Karl II and his (adoptive?) mother (Anke Prothmann in a lot of make-up). Turns out, Momma Butcher has been priming her young progeny to follow in her late husband's footsteps, and now that he has grown to be the spitting image of his father (complete with the heirloom medieval helmet), he is ready to do some eccentric butchery of his own. In fact, this time will be extra special, because mom is coming along too. As one could probably guess, Karl's old lady has some very peculiar parenting ideas, specifically cannibalism and incest. Also at some point, a naturally occurring body hole gets closed up with a stapler, and I think someone eats poop, so watch out for that.

The title is about as far from the old-fashioned B-movie bait and switch as you can get. Like the first film, Violent Shit is wall to wall grotesque violence, only now (in true sequel fashion), it's been turned up a few ridiculous levels. There is an increased story to it compared to the first film, that is to say, there is more than nothing tieing the insane moments of torture and dismemberment together. For the first few acts, a disjointed, random, and confusing series of events form some semblance of a point, but the film forgets about the majority of this as it moves on into plasma soaked sadism. Mostly, the additional fluff just makes room for things the series was truly missing-- like a training montage, cliche fauxumentary tropes, and Kung Fu. Karl Jr's maternal relationship adds fucked up frosting to an already disturbing cake of sinister shit. The weird sexual thing that's going on there, combined with mom's encouraging cheers, was enough to make me glad the subtitles are wonky and that I don't speak German. At around the same runtime, it might be a little lighter on the fake entrails than the first to make room for the added story, but it wouldn't be considered lacking in most circles. The Butcher-minor is more creative than his father but also seemingly obsessed with genitals (of all genders), which is weird and takes a lot of screen time. There are a few classic machete whacks to the face for some victims. However, as the body count grows, most of the slaughter comes with long, drawn out, silly torture and bloodletting. A bare-bones opposite to the Saw-style mouse trap, instead of providing intricate setups for the deaths, the act of execution itself is long, complicated, and involves several steps. It's all sure to offend anyone who watches but is too extreme to take seriously. Even if you are of the squeamish type, by the fifteenth minute of growling testicle torture and six similar acts, the action loses any real shock and becomes either just gross or hilarious (and gross). It goes for broke, eventually just dissolving into increasing levels of carnage, capturing the essence of a drunken night between friends trying to top each other's morbid imagination. Along with its spastic rampage, the film makes several references to classic American horror films and even borrows a few plot points from the Friday the 13th series unambiguously. To its credit, it's moved forward quite a bit from the first writing-wise, although it’s not like it is casting a bigger net for an audience. It's still just random gore because that's fun sometimes, and hopefully, no one who pops in a film titled Violent Shit 2 will be worried about the level of drama involved.

Shot on tape and seemingly dumping the entirety of its finite resources into gore, Violent Shit 2 is, again, what it says on the tin. The whole thing looks like it was shot in different sections of the same public park, which it refers to as a “forest” at one point. The John Woo tribute, in the beginning, is the film’s most developed moment as far as framing and choreography go, displaying some above average movie brawling for its budget. For the film’s meat and potatoes (Karl the second, killing people), it's a lot more of the same backyard style camera work that kind of hangs around watching the action from any accessible angle. Shots seem almost placed at random, and it jumps between them with meaningless cuts. The film’s biggest draw is an overabundance of practical gore, which comes out as a step above the rest of the film quality- wise. For the lack of resources, the film utilizes some pretty gnarly effects when it comes to flesh mangling, and it doesn't skimp or pull away. I think I counted four different consistencies of blood, and each horrible scenario is trying to top the last. Without spoiling anything, there is a range of squirtastic stabbings and stringy limb removals that, despite their amateur surrounding conditions, would give a lot of larger budget splatter flicks a run for their money. Some of the more ambitious (for lack of a better word) moments spend a little too much time on screen and give themselves away, but all together it should more than slate any grimy blood-seekers thirst or send anyone else running. When it isn't mumbling at random volumes, the dubbing is just screaming, grunting and giggle-worthy squishing sounds with no attachment to what's on screen. Music-wise, the film is laced with an out of place, unbalanced soundtrack that sounds straight out of an RPG fantasy video game. Besides the Dungeons & Dragons mood tunes, it does have a German death metal/butt rock theme song (Violent Shit by Vice Versa) bookending it that captures the spirit nicely and almost feels critically necessary. Stick around afterward for some bonus scenes and marquee of credits that look like they are trying to sell you knock off sunglasses.

German director Andreas Schnaas has made an international name for himself with a torrent of ultra-low budget, ultra-violent gross-out splatter flicks that continues today. In 1989, he and some homies secured a tiny bit of funding to form the company Reel Gore Productions and produce their first full-length picture titled Violent Shit. Filmed over four weekends and with a rented tape recorder, the project amounted to a series of violent acts committed by a large masked man named Karl the Butcher, crafted with homemade practical effects (and little else). By the grace of the trash-gods, it saw a single midnight theater showing but received mostly negative reviews on its initial video release due to its lack of production values. However, with a little help from a to-the-point naming strategy and its unrefined grimy gusto, it found an audience worldwide over the following years in less discerning gore hounds who don't mind the homemade feel (a bunch of fucking weirdos probably). Succeeding their second feature Zombie '90: Extreme Pestilence in 1991, Andreas & Co would return to the world of Violent Shit and brewing cult following. To date, the character Karl the Butcher has appeared in six flicks, that I know of, including a reboot of sorts (Violent Shit: The Movie 2015) by Italian director Luigi Pastore, without Andreas Schnaas involvement. Schnaas himself would play the role in most outings, taking over for Karl Inger (allegedly) after the first film.

Violent Shit II: Mother Hold My Hand (aka Violent Shit 2) is a composition sketchbook of demented cartoon executions forged during an in-school suspension and realized in full-color low fidelity magnetic tape. For the right crowd, it's an awesomely inelegant, generously proportioned helping of sloppy sleaze, possibly best devoured while intoxicated. It advances from the first movie to some degree in almost every way, but it's still one for the same exclusive and fucked-up crowd. If you want tasteless acts of dismemberment, childish boundary-pushing, and obscene special effects, it's got you covered. Those seeking damn near anything outside of that, better look for their kicks elsewhere. In a way, it has the same MO as a Gallagher show, in that there are small bits of gibberish in between gags, but ultimately everyone watching is just waiting for red shit to spray, and a majority of possible viewers are not going to get the joke. I enjoy the fuck out of the unseemly mess, although I don't know what that says about me. I also really dig Karl the Butcher’s fashion sense. If only I too had been lucky enough to have inherited some cool metal headgear along with the destructive predispositions.

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pentalogiadecolombia · 4 years

Quote

3.5 stars, but I will round up to 4. DAMN.... this book was so epic!! In many ways, I am so the target audience for this book. I have spent years wondering, Why aren't there more Colombian historical fiction books written about all those crazy ass wars in the 19th century? These books probably exist, and I just don't know about them—why don't I know about them? Then, one day, I found this browsing in the airport bookstore and just knew I had to read it. This is a LONG book, and like any historical fiction book that I read in Spanish, the vocabulary is challenging. I'm pretty sure I picked up on... 80% of what happened? But not gonna lie, there are probably a few details/things that went over my head. The concept of this book is brilliant—tell the story of the most violent battle of the Thousand Days War of 1900. The research that went into telling this story is so detailed, and so well integrated. There are a few—very few, but very well placed—moments that foreshadow the future 20th century conflicts in Colombia, between those pushing for change and those wanting to keep the status quo, between guerrilla and military. I found these to be powerful, subtle, and so, so well done. The book is divided into three sections—part one (about the gunman who joins the revolutionary army) and part two (about his sweetheart left behind) is pretty much a Thousand Days' War version of "Cold Mountain" (it is no spoiler to say that things do not end well in this romance, as the book gives you plenty of hints early on). Part three is more similar to "Killer Angels"—various chapters told from the points of view of different characters on the battlefield: the machetero, the girl who works in the army camp, the government soldier who has to hide in a pile of dead bodies (this was probably one of the most "Blood Meridian"-esque part of the whole book!). But unlike "Killer Angels," this book is not gonna make it easy for you by telling you when the narration shifts between chapters/sections. I was down for the challenge, but it was definitely a CHALLENGE. Sometimes I would have to go back and re-read certain sections when I realized the narrator wasn't who I assumed it was (not a complaint, just an observation). In general, Book 3 was definitely my favorite in the whole book. A couple of chapters—maybe my favorites?—were narrated from the points of views of the generals on both sides of the conflict. So freaking interesting learning about characters like Uribe Uribe and Benjamin Herrera, and their rivalry, and how it arguably helped doom the revolutionary forces on the battlefield. Rafael Uribe Uribe as a character absolutely FASCINATED me... so interesting to think that GGMarquez's grandfather fought under him during this war?! (Thanks, Wikipedia!) Book 1 was my least favorite; it definitely could have used some tightening up (the section where the gunman is lost and starving wandering around in the wilderness dragged ). Book 1 also had several moments that, no matter how many times I re-read them, I could not for the life of me figure out what had just happened. For example: basically, at the end of Book 1's first chapter, the gunman has lost his weapon and is basically thinking he needs to give up on his plan to join the Revolution, because he thinks they won't let him join without a gun. Then chapter 2 begins... and the gunman is firing his gun, as part of the revolutionary army . What?! How?! What did I miss?! I re-read this section so many times and I do not get what I missed?!! Book 2 was pretty good! It does an excellent job of showing the situation that upper middle class women faced in Colombia at the time, and the different roles that women playing during battle. However, there is an overly long section when the narrator is reminiscing on her schoolgirl days which was absolutely screaming for an edit. And while I appreciated the many scenes in this book showing women interacting with each other without male relationships being a factor, this schoolgirl flashback.... culminates with the narrator making out with one of her schoolgirl friends. Like.... that's not what happens when girls hang out without guys!! Basically, I found this makeout scene unconvincing, unnecessary, and untrue to the character (and tbh, a bit hilarious in how bad it was). Many parts of this book reminded me of the "Sharpe" series and yes, "The Killer Angels," with all the descriptions of batallions and battlelines and which battallions moved to which part of the battleline. I was so there for it, but I'm not gonna pretend that I could track everything that was happening. God, this book was screaming for a couple of pictures! Even "Killer Angels" had a couple of pictures to help you understand who was where, when people were fighting in the peach orchard or on Little Round Top! My point is: pictures good! This is a violent read. Like I mentioned earlier, there are a couple of "Blood Meridian" moments of just utter depravity, darkness, despair, etc. I was so struck at how Colombians were fighting these battles with MACHETES? Like... they literally got drunk on aguardiente to summon up some courage, then charged at one another screaming and hacked each other to bits with machetes!! It is just a whole other level of brutality on the battlefield, and it makes for some heavy scenes when the female narrator is volunteering in the hospital and tending to the soldiers' machete wounds. Just.... man. And here we are in 2019, and people in Colombia are still getting hacked up into pieces by machetes. *Stares in space* All in all, while this was a pretty challenging read, and while I wish Book 3 was a bit more connected to Books 1 & 2 (I may have missed this, but it seemed like the gunman and his sweetheart don't appear again until the very last five pages?!)—I thought this was a powerful, epic, sweeping read. Everything I wanted! I would probably tell people, "Read Book 3, if nothing else"—even that is selling the book short a bit, as there are scenes of incredible power in Books 1 & 2. Do I dare say this book would make a pretty good Netflix series? I do dare! (less)

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