#it isnt solely because of his current vulnerability

[shiikiyun]

I think something i don't often see in discussions about Futa's character is how, if you really take a second, he's kind of a people pleaser

He isn't so in a way like what Mikoto got going on, he does want to be around people of the same interests as him, and you wouldn't think he'd care about anything but authenticity if you stayed with the way he behaves on milgram. It is only when you think about him -in- those social circles he manages to get into that you can see him tweaking lol

I think the closest to see this that we have in milgram itself is that one interaction with Kotoko in which she attempts to debate how prisons respect human rights. Any other time he expressed his opinion/stance on things he was aggressive and maybe condescending to the rest because they disagreed with him, but the second someone agreed? Whole demeanor changed. Suddenly he didn't have much to say anymore and he just parroted Kotoko's words back at her. Why. If he has such a strong personality and mindset, why was someone validating his point enough to shut down his otherwise very firm attitude?

Futa doesn't go as far as to manufacture his every word for it to cause a positive reaction on others from the get go, but he does seek validation all the same. He braces himself for rejection by being loud and obnoxious and harsh until he sees a positive reaction and then is when he does a complete 180 to keep the other person in that place of validation. He is simultaneously completely bad at it though, but I never said he was good at people pleasing. Which connects back to what i've said before about his inability to fit in. Even when he thinks he's doing it right and he sees himself getting validation by people he cares about (in the case of his crime, by mimicking his friendgroup's method of "bringing justice" by calling out someone online, that same friendgroup following along and reinforcing the idea that he was doing it right), he ultimately fails anyway and loses it all over again.

In the end, he's just extremely socially awkward and anxious. It isn't in his nature to reach anyone else's expectations even if he genuinely wants to, so he'll either do what he can within his parameters (mold himself for his friendgroup of people he deems similar to him) or he'll avoid trying altogether because he knows he'll fail (what we see in milgram!)

It also shows how his yearn for a support system (t2 qna + mu's birthday timeline convo) isn't particularly new from his current circumstances, or why the only person he could think of when asked who he would want to see right now was his mom (who left so long ago he barely remembers her). He has just never truly had people that genuinely cared for him no matter what he tried to do to make himself likeable.

#and having this in mind i think i understand why he seems to be “giving in” to amane's beliefs #it isnt solely because of his current vulnerability #it isnt even just to find solace in religion #it is because amane offered him help. in a way shes validating him #and if believing in bullshit like salvation and god will make at least the elementary schooler talk to him sometimes #against being left alone with his thoughts and the voices in the walls #with the track record he has of slightly molding himself and mimicking others #yeahh #and honestly that only means itll backfire even worse! on Him! #in his own words #it is what it isSorry #but no yeah hes fucked. i dont think his religious arc is gonna make shit complicated for anyone else but him #but itll be AWFUL on him #milgram #fuuta kajiyama #fuuta milgram #character analysis #sorta kinda #as always

[jess-oh]

Reflection

I just had a really stressful dream and I’m really sure what it means. I kept waking up and going back to sleep because I didn’t want to face the possibility that it might be true. And I don’t think it was a jealousy thing. Far from it. I think it was a control thing. 

I dreamt that I was chatting Andrew and he got into a relationship but I didn’t understand why he didn’t consult me first. Judging by the picture, it didn’t look like Emily but still, I didn’t know who she was and he had never told me about her. 

and im adding this later but i think i was so stressed and fearful bc when he was dating emily, we barely talked. and it was probably in part bc we had just grown busy from school but i didnt want that to happen again. i didnt want to lose a friend. and i really hope it doesnt become like that when he starts dating whoever in the future but it’s also a fear that i need to let go of. or else, i’ll just latch onto him and not let go when he needs to focus his attention on his gf. and i dont want to be clingy and overly dependent. i remember how that was. it wasnt nice for either party. anthony wasnt my best friend. he was my conscious when i didnt have one. and that was a huge emotional burden for him and it was difficult being solely dependent on one person to show me my self worth.

and im sorry for that.

i am.

i just chatted evan on snapchat and i do want to try and convince him to come back to sa-rang but i fear that i wasnt getting the message across. he is a great person and i know he was two faced and im happy that he told me that and felt vulnerable enough to say that. but i worry for him. not bc he isnt involved at sa-rang. i suspected that he felt he didnt fit in anymore anyway. but i do want him to come back to. to have a community thats there for him and willing to keep him accountable and that genuinely cares for his wellbeing. all too often, we claim we “reached out” when in actuality, we didnt try at all. i want to live as God called us to be. to really invest and live with our brothers and sisters and truly love upon them. to cry with them and to rejoice with them. even at our own expense. and maybe he’s just a project for me to fix, i don’t know. i really hope he isnt. but i just really hope and want him to have a stable relationship with God. I want him to know exactly who God is in his life and the role that he plays. the blessings he gives and the trials he puts us through. i have no solid word of advice for evan bc i understand his situation. but above all, i dont want him to get carried away. i dont want him to just pretend everything is okay when it isnt. i dont want to judge or ridicule him for his current lifestyle. but i just genuinely want to care for his own wellbeing. it’s so easy to get caught up in the things of the world when we dont have God in our lives. and i love and miss God so much and I don’t want evan to go through that too. i suspect that he is lost and hasnt been making an effort to really understand God. 

i see you, evan kim. i see you and your pain and suffering and want to fit in with society and who can blame you. but please, come back to sa-rang and see the community. and i really hope and pray that they would find it within their heart to accept you back into the family too. i pray that they wouldnt be exclusive with their cliques. i pray that theyd want nothing more than to accept you, willingly, into our class, into this place. even when we leave off to SD, SB, NorCal, and out of state. I pray. I really hope and pray that you would still find a home here. With your class. It’ll be your home and place of comfort.

please evan.

please.

come back home.

#reflection