#it’s not dysphoric it just straight up puts you on the shit list | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

antiterf · 3 years

Text

I would really appreciate if people talked about this more

I’ve never mentioned this before on here, but I used to label myself as a truscum. I never outright said anything on it or about it online, and never attacked people with it, I’ll get that down first. I mostly used that for myself because those were the blogs that I went to for issues with dysphoria as a trans man.

This post isn’t about how truscum are bad, those who are going to reblog and listen to this post already think that truscum are bad. This is me pointing out that trans men and those with severe internalized transphobia need more of a community to avoid falling into truscum rhetoric.

Trigger Warning: Description of my self injury, internalized transphobia, and a lot of depression under the cut.

I originally went to truscum to figure out if I was dysphoric or not. I know I’ve had an anon on here try to ask me somewhat of the same question. The reason why is because I had a lot of internalized transphobia and live in a conservative Christian suburb. I seriously was born and raised in the same town my life and that town was that suburb. I was around 14 at the time.

Basically, the only reason why I wanted to find out is because I wanted to know if I could force myself to be cisgender. I was terrified of being transgender, and I hated myself for the possibility of it.

My logic though is that if I was dysphoric, then I couldn’t do much about it. Yeah, terfs would say that I could cope with it with anti-depressants, but my disassociation and sickly feeling was not helped by my anti-depressants. I was at the point of being constantly suicidal and with cutting I ran out of room on my arm and started to go for my legs (because I said that I would never go to my right arm... I was a creative little shit). I was put in an 8 hr a day outpatient program, and they legit kept me there as long as they possibly could before I was sent back to school, before I just went back to self injuring but kept it way more secret that time. I had been getting mental health treatment since 10 and puberty started, with it just getting worse, I was way out of options

I related to a lot of what truscum were saying with my dysphoria, and while they did tell me that they could not ever tell another person that they experience dysphoria or not, that they did relate to some of the things I was saying. One linked me to a list where someone gave a lot of specific symptoms of dysphoria, and boy, did I fit a lot. I also learned how to explain my disassociation. It was the first time I ever related to something when it came to my mental health issues instead of just hearing “yeah these people are just like you” before I didn’t actually relate to them at all. I felt so much relief.

I continued to go to them for advice on dysphoria and it wasn’t anything more, but you start scrolling through and things start to stick. Especially when you already have a lot of internalized transphobia.

“Yeah, why would anyone be trans? If they weren’t suffering like I was, I was at my breaking point to actually start accepting myself, how are they the same?”

It went on from there, and I started to believe what they said. I shared it to one cis person, and that cis person ultimately ended up harassing me because I was trans even after I explained honestly the entire pity story I shared above along with truscum beliefs that you need dysphoria to be trans (this is actually how I finally snapped out of it, thank you fucker, I’m more intolerable now). I mainly shared this shit with cis people in order to try and see me as more tolerable, and honestly, I just wish that I could have surrounded myself with trans people where I didn’t have to feel like I needed to prove a point. I was so vulnerable at that time, and didn’t nearly stand up to cis ignorance as I do today.

I mentioned trans men in the beginning too, and part of the community I was lacking in, was trans men. I would see more positivity for trans woman and nb people. I did and still see lack of support for issues trans men face both with the rest of the trans community and things that are trans man specific. Something I feel like I can relate it to is the bisexual limbo of being too gay for straight people but too straight for gay people. I’m looked down upon by my oppressors, but I’m too privileged to really access my own community. Especially when I identified as straight. It’s isolating, it’s isolating to a point where I would be happy that someone included trans men specifically in their “I hate all men” posts, I would be happy about it. And I know I can’t possibly be the only one.

I don’t have the power to create a community name for trans men where we can all find each other. I don’t have the power to put a name to struggles that trans men face specifically. I know that there’s transmisandry, but that gives everyone who doesn’t know what it is a fight or flight response. While it makes sense, it gives the same impression as calling the biphobia I face as a form of heterophobia.

I’m as proud of this as I am just as proud that I used to shoplift at 14 and believed things that my racist cop father said. I think that the shitty parts of your past self can be shared for some sort of benefit of others and that’s why I’m sharing this. If other trans men would like to add their own experiences, I would encourage it.

#notaterftip #not sarcasm #extruscum #xtruscum #transmed #truscum #tucute #Internalized Transphobia #self harm tw #cutting tw #trans men #trans man #transmisandry #transandrophobia #transmen #transman #trans rights #transgender

46 notes · View notes

coshayphinelove · 7 years

Text

@politeyeti , it’s been like... a billion years, but i lost my original post (tumblr ate a bunch of my drafts) and then i forgot about it and then i forgot what i wrote and now i remember. so here it is... more trans!delphine.

the Business Professional suits she wore in season 3 made what was already a hellish emotional nightmare into a hellish emotional dysphoric nightmare. she can’t even look at shoulder pads anymore.

she’s really bad at expressing herself about anything. she doesn’t feel like she has a right to be upset about the horrible things that have happened because she caused some of them. literally the only thing she ever candidly talks to cosima about is dysphoria. through talking about it so much she gets really good at identifying a lot of her biggest triggers and gets better at avoiding/dealing with them. but then she has to talk about her other feelings because there’s nothing left to talk about. she can’t decide if it was a good thing or a bad thing.

loves loves loves loves baths. hates hates hates hates that the basement lab bathroom only has a shower stall. showering together is nice but it’s not cuddling together in a cocoon of warm water surrounded by bath bomb fragrances.

has not cut her face shaving in almost a decade. tells anyone who will listen at every opportunity.

petey doesn’t give her hormones while she’s on the island. so on her lil old people poop adventures she finds a drug dealer that sells hormones to trans people who would not otherwise be able to get them. she gets pills because they are the easiest to hide in a plastic bag in her bra. but she has to ration them, seeing as she doesn’t know when she’ll be out next. she literally never lets the baggie out of her sight, even going as far as bathing with them.

mrs. s notices. probably because she has to take a dose while they’re talking and the really cool and great mood swings she gets from taking them improperly. when she gets to the lab after geneva her preferred method of hormone intake is waiting for her with a note that promises that she’ll have as many as she needs until she can get to a doctor and a new prescription.

the ptsd, the anxiety, the depression, the dysphoria, the guilt, and the new prescription really lower her sex drive. cosima has half of the same things but it has the opposite effect. they have to come up with a 1 to 10 rating system for how Not Okay they are with sexing/not sexing and the conversation of “you don’t have to if you don’t want to” “but i want to make you happy” etc etc ad nauseam usually just leads to cuddle/kissing half naked.

and a coshayphine au outline below the cut bc *bill wurts voice* i’m a piece of garbage. mobile users, please pardon the length. i just have a lot of feelings.

shay works for a company that is somehow involved in the conspiracy some way. she doesn’t know, but shows up where delphine got shot and saves her. once back at the home base she offers her home as the safe house bc she sees how unwilling to talk to people she is.

delphine is treated, they give her pain meds but nothing else. so eventually she has to come out to shay to get hormones. shay is surprised, but is overall very supportive. even though it’s the bare minimum of human decency to not throw someone out of your home for being trans, it touches delphine and makes her really emotional. (there’s probably an element of somebody caring for her wellbeing as well that makes her cry real hard.)

shay urges her to call cosima. she’s not well. she needs someone who knows her. or is at least someone she didn’t threaten. but delphine is terrified. she doesn’t know if cosima even wants to see her. if she feels the same. if she would even care that delphine is marooned in toronto or would do anything about it. and she doesn’t have anybody else.

whatever place she used to pull her strength from, that place that made her stand back up after she’d been knocked down is empty or gone. she’s got nothing left. she can barely keep it together when she asks to borrow a book and shay brings out a whole box. if she can’t handle someone being kind then if cosima isn’t kind to her... what kind of state would that put her in?

so shay lets it drop. but it is a goal that they have. eventually, even if it is years from now, delphine will call cosima and tell her what happened.

shay reads up on trans women. all of her trans friends are trans masculine so she really has no idea what she may need, and if they’re going to be roommates she’s gotta know her shit. she comes to delphine after a while asking, “so i read a lot of stuff about trans women in general, but i was wondering if there was anything you needed. like i know trans men have packers and binders and i know trans women have shaping underwear. but i don’t know if you want any. or if... you would need that... or... you know...” delphine just laughs at her a little. “that was a lot of words.” she says she doesn’t really need much, just a razor for her face and some underwear in the next size up would be nice.

after that delphine lets shay help her bathe. she didn’t want to out herself, but now that she’s out the smell from the places she couldn’t reach without ripping her stitches out is getting to be a bigger problem than any kind of shyness.

baths and bandage changings lead to hair brushing/braiding and eventually cuddling. shay figures out that touch grounds delphine. if she’s off in some panic spiral, a hand on her knee can bring her back and a hug can calm her down. they become really close friends.

after delphine finds a sweater that used to belong to cosima she has a minor breakdown. she details what she felt with cosima, someone who was kind and understanding and who didn’t have some kind of crisis of sexuality after finding out she was trans. she misses her so much and is afraid she’ll never find someone like that again, that she’s either going to be alone forever or have a series of bad relationships. it hurts shay’s heart a little and vows to herself to be the best friend she can be.

delphine develops a little bit of an agoraphobia. she’s trans and bi and injured so doing clothes and makeup isn’t really high on her list so she’s afraid of someone noticing her and making her as trans. and there’s actual literal people out in the world who tried to and still want to kill her, delphine, for being delphine. she goes out for therapy and for quick errands, but mostly just stays inside.

shay is fine with that. so many cuddles. but at some point they share a kiss. it’s a fading laugh, leaning slowly in, eyes wide open kiss. and that kiss leads to a long talk. which leads to more kisses. which leads to them calling each other girlfriends. which leads to sex.

sex with cosima had been a little intimidating. she had an encyclopedic knowledge of sex acts and experience with most of them. it’s not that she didn’t try to make her feel comfortable and everything, it was just A Lot. so since a lot of sex with shay is relatively new to the both of them and there’s a lot more giggling and slipping and falling. several times shay forgets that she’s gotta stop her knee a couple inches lower than she’s used to and knees delphine in the balls. which delphine is adamant didn’t really hurt that much but her voice is so strained it gives her away.

they go on like this, but then shay gets word through work that cosima has been taken or has gone to neolution island. delphine is beside herself. she could die there, shay!! so shay makes sure she is returned safely to toronto. after a long hard talk, delphine decides that she would be okay with seeing her for a talk.

cosima takes it as well as you would assume anyone would. she thought delphine was dead but she’s been around the corner the whole time? and then she finds out that she’s been here, in a love den with shay [SHAY???] the entire time, while cosima was scared and alone and flirting with disease ridden bots. she says things she immediately regrets, delphine cries, and they both see the scary dangerous side of shay that they knew existed but had never experienced when she kicks her out.

since that was literally a nightmare that delphine had on a regular basis, she’s a lil messed up from that. she’s withdrawn and goes back to sleeping on the couch. there’s a guilt that she just can’t get rid of. ‘i should have called her.’ ‘i should have gone straight to her.’ ‘it was selfish to take care of myself.’ etc etc.

shay can’t get through to her so she contacts cosima and is all scary saying, “i don’t care if you’re lying, but you go and you apologize and say that it was a good thing for her to prioritize herself bc i’m afraid she’s gonna hurt herself and she’s not listening to me when i say it.”

that is Not what cosima wanted so she goes back and talks to delphine. they talk about p much everything while shay is in the room bc “i’m going to tell her everything anyway.” it’s emotional and awkward and so cathartic. they finally know the truth about what happened and they finally know how the other felt and why and how and everything they ever had questions about. as cosima is leaving, delphine asks if she can see her again.

and thus buds a friendship.

but it’s killing cosima. with her time alone she realized that there were really only two people she could see herself dating. and they’re dating each other. and they have a better and stronger relationship than she had ever had with either of them.

she accepts her fate. she knows she’s never gonna be more than their maid of honor. the best friend. auntie cosima. the wing man. she knows she’s probably never gonna date seriously again. she’s just going to have a string of hookups but nothing more. she knows this. she’s just. really depressed about it.

shay finds out. probably through a melodramatic encounter in the hallway as shay comes home from work and cosima leaves.

and then shay has this soft spot for cosima. and delphine for sure still loves cosima. and it’s just this little triangle of unresolved feelings.

i can’t decide who brings up polyamory. it’s never cosima bc she would never do it. but if delphine did suggest it, it would be bc she wants to make cosima happy. if shay did it it would be to make them both happy.

and then it would be just a delphine-centric polyamorous vee. and cosima is a little afraid of, very aware of shay. and shay is the one who suggests closing the relationship into a triad.

potential for sarcoshayphine but this is already so long and yeah.... anyways always please talk to me about trans!delphine

#ALWAYS PLEASE TALK TO ME ABOUT TRANS!DELPHINE #I LOVE THIS AU SO MUCH BUT I NEVER POST ABOUT IT BC I FEEL LIKE NOBODY WOULD CARE #AND/OR I REALLY DONT WANNA DEAL WITH TERFS #I HAVE A MEME FOR IT BUT I DONT HAVE THE GONADS TO DO MUCH MORE #ANYWAY #TRANS!DELPHINE #DELPHINE CORMIER #MY FIC #HEADCANONS

9 notes · View notes

maskedjoker · 7 years

Note

hey, i saw your comment about how the 13th doctor being a woman was transphobic and i wanted to ask respectfully if maybe you could explain? best wishes

Thank you for politely asking. I’d be glad to explain. Before I do though, I’d like to express that I have no problem with having a female doctor, I have an issue with the political repercussions of it. On the surface it seems innocent enough, but I’ll go into the non trans related stuff later.

On the trans issue though, unless they handle this absolutely perfectly, it will cause an enormous issue. On the right, people will see it as an attack on their sexuality and presume it to be a sex change, further distancing there connection to trans people and alienating them via the “gender is social” phenomenon.

More importantly though on the left and with actual trans people, it will reinforce the idea that gender is a personal choice, and at the same time rooted in genitals. It will show the doctor seamlessly living as male and female with no issue, and without any explanation shows that genitals is all that defines gender, which harms really everyone involved. No one will be happy with what this implies.

On the off chance they choose to explain the doctors feelings, you have several choices all with negative outcomes for someone. If they make the doctor say gender is a choice and social and his body changing just allows him to easier be “a girl”, it harms dysphoric trans individuals and further enforces gender as a fashion statement tied to gender stereotypes, enraging feminists. Alternatively you could make the doctor actually trans, explaining he is either fluid/nonbinary, a trans women or a trans man.

They won’t do any of those as that would damage ratings, but if they did they would have to either a) have to scramble together the doctors “neutral or feminine” gender expression before being typically female, which doesn’t exist(or have him realize this on screen which they will not do because again, ratings) b) they will have to invent past gender dysphoria/have him realize he had it/have him have intense gender euphoria to show they are happier as a women, but then they couldn’t make the doctor male again without her showing signs of pain or c) make the doctor at first be curious or ok with being female but progressively show signs of discomfort and dysphoria, eventually realizing hes happier male and waiting it out or even sacrificing himself to be male again.

None of these are options because they would have to make a developed trans character and keep that change permanently. It would be shit for ratings and despite being appropriate would damage their fan base. It would also occupy quiet a bit of the season.

The best option would be to simply say this, that his species gender and sex is different than our own, and they are built to handle abrupt changes to their sex without experiencing issues, unlike humans which function differently. This however grazes awfully close to the idea that trans people *shock* have dysphoria because of actually neurological differences and not because they chose to hate their bodies and would cause issues with the current GNC movement, but over all this one would cause the least damage and be the quickest to use.

This all however doesn’t even BEGIN to go into the issues with the doctors sexuality. Does it stay the same? Is he now a lesbian? Is he straight? Was he straight before? Does sexuality change with the body or is it a permanent facet of our character? If sexuality is why isn’t gender? Does this imply sexuality is a choice? Would it be promoting heteronormatvity if he remained(if he was before) het? Would it being gay propaganda is he was suddenly a lesbian? Since he was once male can he be a lesbian or straight without harming peoples sense of sexuality or feeling lied to?

I’m not saying I have all these questions, but the public will. The doctor has no current sexuality, but this may force them to answer that question and with a lesbian companion it may force a relationship. With that added, does that mean shes only interested in their body? Where they interested in her before she changed? Does this invalidate her “gay card”? If he’s bi why has he never shown interest in men or had more male companions? The list goes on.

Then you have the political issue involving feminism. This will support a huge wave of people claiming the doctor to be a feminist icon(see our character, not yours) and forcing that agenda on the character. This will in turn put pressure on the producers to remove character traits and flaws of the doctor, damaging the character and upsetting long term fans. It may become a case of feminist hero syndrome where all negative traits are banned in fear of making girls “look bad” and the doctor will no longer be able to be beat up and kicked like he used to even though they are a bad ass space alien. They also run the risk of becoming preachy about women’s rights, loosing the ability to make a well rounded good female character in the name of politics. Plus the sudden focus would feel forced and not genuine, making it a gain for money and ratings rather than actual care.

My point is that although there is a very, very slim chance this could be avoided and all could go well, it isn’t at all likely. The most likely answer is that they didn’t think about it, won’t think about it, and will leave quiet a large scar on the trans community because of it. It’s a hindrance to rights. Also, if by some miracle they avoid female criticisms and make a good, realistic female doctor I will be stunned into silence, cause they didn’t do so well with the master. I mean, they where ok but their sudden flirty sexual interest in the doctor and “so random“ personality, although comparable to the old doctors crazy felt kinda forced and sexist. Also now unlike before with a male and female lead, and lots of villains but a male main villain, we now have an all female cast. There has almost never been and an all male cast. It isn’t a bad thing per say, but it will definitely alienate some fans.

Anyway that's my feelings, have a nice day.

0 notes