#it's been months but I'm still laughing at the fact that i realized i'm demi

[totallyboatless]

I've been sitting with this post for a bit trying to decide if it's TMI. So warning at the top, I'm going to talk about my experience being demisexual, what's that meant for my relationship with sex, and how ofmd hits a particular note for me that other media hasn't quite been able to do.

I've been trying to figure out why ofmd makes my stomach flip consistently, even months later, even having engaged with the show as much as I have. It makes me feel romance in a particular way that destroys me. I've enjoyed other romance stories, there are definitely some that have made me melt, but nothing quite like this.

And I'm wondering if the reason it hits different has to do in part with being demisexual. My personal experience with that identity, I do enjoy sex, but it's on different levels. I've only been capital-a Attracted to maybe three people in my life. I've had sex with plenty of people I wasn't capital-a Attracted to, it's still fun, but it's ultimately a different experience. More neutral, more take it or leave it. Like "this was a good time, I don't regret this happening, but I also could have watched a movie and had a similarly good night."

But I'm realizing part of being demi might be the fact that sex, while enjoyable, isn't the thing that makes me feel that UMF the most. It's when I got a text from someone that they wanted to drive an hour to fall asleep next to me. It's when I've woken up with breath on the back of my neck from someone I couldn't wait to spend the day with. It's when someone stopped in the their tracks to kiss me because I said something that made them laugh. It's when someone I cared about kissed every one of my finger tips.

There was a sensuality to all of those things that lead to a more intense sex life with those people, but the sex was good because it was them, it was about my care for them. We could have been having sex literally any way and it would have felt the same to me. Because it's not really about the act for me, it's about closeness with someone who has my heart.

And ofmd has that feel written all over it. It feels like the people involved in this show understand how, for some of us, a foot touch can be just as sensual as getting naked with someone, and why a feather light kiss can be just as intense as having someone push you against a wall.

I think it's a misconception that people on the ace/gray-sexual spectrum don't experience deep stomach aching desire. I think we just experience it for different things sometimes.

I'd be interested to hear from other demi/ace/gray-sexual people on your thoughts and if you've had a similar experience. Feel free to hop in my asks if you wanna be anon.

#ofmd #our flag means death #talking about sex #tw sex talk #demisexual #graysexual

[being-demisexual]

Hi! I was wondering how you knew you were Demi? I don't have much experience but I was thinking I might be Demisexual, I don't find anyone attractive like other girls my age do. Thanks!

*old man voice* it all started so many years ago…

Just kidding, but it did start when I was a junior in high school. I was kinda scrolling through tumblr, as one would do, and I saw that one of my friends (one that I actually knew in real life and had classes with) was posting asexual things. I got curious, so I tried looking things up. Now, I live in a fairly conservative town. Not that people are blatantly homophobic or anything, but it wasn’t diversity central either (we are aptly nicknamed Vanilla Valley), so I hadn’t had much exposure to the lgbt+ community beyond gay people and the vague idea of trans people. I got really confused about what I was seeing, so I asked my friend what the word asexual meant. Somehow, in the process of trying not to look like an insensitive asshole, I ended up on a website that had the different ace identities. The word demisexual was on there, but I largely ignored it, since my friend is sex-repulsed ace and that’s more what I was interested in learning about.

That was my first time seeing the word, but something must have struck a cord with me, since I ended up kind of toying around with the idea of being asexual in some capacity. I even mentioned that to my mom (she promptly told me I wasn’t allowed to be asexual). In the end, I kind of discarded that idea since I was aware that I wasn’t completely opposed to the idea of sex. Time skip to when I was a freshman in college (I’ll be a sophomore in the fall). 

I had a few friends that I would get dinner with after lab, both of whom were in a relationship. I asked them how they met their respective boyfriends, and the conversation turned too, of all things, some of the kink they tried. We were all laughing and stuff, but, I don’t know, I just felt off. I couldn’t get it out of my head. I got back to my room, pulled out my laptop, and googled the word demisexual. I read about some of the common demisexual experiences and I was a little shell shocked. I told myself not to panic, so I made a list. Ways I was demisexual and ways that I wasn’t. The way that I wasn’t had one item. The was the was had somewhere close to fifteen (fifteen that I was willing to admit at the time, at least). So I messaged a different friend on tumblr who mentioned that she was demisexual and asked her about it. We talked for a while, and something clicked with me. When I woke up the next morning, I dived into the tag and was sorely disappointed. I wasn’t “out” to anyone yet, so I couldn’t make any posts on my main blog. I decided that I needed a healthy outlet for some of feelings. so I created this blog. That was that.

Over the course of the next several months, I kept up a sort of informal diary. It is strictly related to the demi stuff and helps me organize my thoughts. In retrospect, I never acted like you would expect a straight person to act. There was a lot of posturing on my end so that I would appear “normal.” Looking back has only strengthened what I already know. 

Okay, like, one time, all these kids on the bus were asking if I was gay. Which my response was totally not “why are you even asking me that” and was more along the lines of “what??? No???? I totally love guys. I’m super into dick.” Which. Come on. A guy asked me out once and I panicked so bad I ran away from him. Clearly I was convince both myself and the other people. But also, I never made any moves on anyone regardless of gender. I was always joking about some fake boyfriend I had. Everyone knew it was fake, which was the funny part, but wouldn’t someone else just joke about their crush? Yeah, didn’t have one of those. The last true and proper crush I had was in sixth grade and one day I decided I didn’t want to have a crush, so I promptly stopped all my feelings. Again, not something that a totally straight person would do. Like? Who just wakes up and decides “yeah, not in the mood to have a crush anymore. I’m over this.” and just be done like that unless they’re ace and trying to force attraction that isn’t there? 

Just looking back, there are so many little moments that were clearly me being vibrantly asexual. So if you have any of those little moments where you just feel out of the loop or are trying to convince other people of your attraction, you’re probably ace or demi in some way. Personally, I don’t feel comfortable talking about sex unless I intitate the conversation. In the same vein, I don’t like seeing sex, or even kissing, on tv or in movies. And I only like reading about it if I feel the characters have a deep enough connection AND I have been thoroughly warned in advance about the content. I need time to prepare myself or it makes me real uncomfortable real fast. Maybe that happens to you. Maybe not. And anyway, your lack of experience could be an indicator of your ace-ness. I mean, I’m 19 and I haven’t ever gone on a date. Not for lack of opportunity, but more because I just never really had the drive beyond a vague, abstract idea about what a hypothetical boyfriend would be like. 

I would link you to the website I used, but it seems to be down at the moment. I have a resources tag if you wish to look through and see if that can be of any use to you. I hope my long, anecdotal story helped you! Good luck!

#answered #it's been months but I'm still laughing at the fact that i realized i'm demi #because my friends were freaks and shared that with me