#its funny because in my times of agony i always think about what id do if i was rich

[delightfullygiddy]

I really wouldn't know what to do if I became rich overnight,like I'm talking stupidly wealthy. I feel like i've imagined what id do before-but i keep feeling like i have to update my list of TO DO things in that instance.

#i know for certain it would be buying my own house and vehicle #or at least bit of land to have my on house then subsequent vehicle #after that? #definitely investing into my garden skills more #Literally now with my experience at my parents house- ive got down pat what i want to grow and where #so that partially handles food #i'd still buy like rice/bread/grains from like middle eastern markets because they are a STAPLE~ #but what else- truly now is me just rambling but i like to dream the impossible #i think i would most certainly like a lot of tools that would help me maintian and make things at home #like....maybe something for pottery another thing for....mmmmmoh- id love a wood burning stove #mmmm #its funny because in my times of agony i always think about what id do if i was rich #but then sitting down and honestly asking myself what id do draws a blank

[diananaboog]

swear on your life.

January 13. sorry to whom this hurts

Today was so stressful and I don't even know how I got through it but I did, lets start off with the 11 am appointment, it was a ct scan, sure I was gonna pass out but I didn't I was so sick it was unreal, it was for my chest of course, what did they find? nothing just a lot of inflammation in my lungs, which is always a great thing :) and on top of that I had dad take me cause I wanted James to get sleep because any appointment he takes me to early hes grouchy and mean, but who cares.

2 o'clock James is awake now, but my appointment is in soin and we don't have plates for the grey car which is MY CAR. keep in mind ive used James jeep twice, and I was paying for insurance for 4 months and the insurance was 183 dollars each time, for a car I didn't pay? why? and its in my name as like all always have been. but who cares, 

well lets keep it short cause wtf does it matter going into detail about anything when nobody cares, everyone shrugs it off and everyone says its not that bad, well it fucking hurts everything hurts so bad, my boobs never can be pressed on, my chest feels like rocks and elephants sitting on it, well I have 4 lumps in my breast, could be canerous could be benign, don't find out till about two weeks.. on Thursday I have the appointment to cut an incision and biopsy the lumps and see what it is, how concerning right? But the quote nobody cares till your dead, kinda does seem true. because people take your words so lightly until you have no more words to speak. for instance if this chest issue was serious, and I ended up having a terrible outcome, I would have just told everyone I told you so because for months ive been crying in agony pain trying to fix something that I can't figure out what's wrong. ‘’you're to young, you’re to healthy’’ ‘’its cause you vape’’ well we will see. and as for the breast, I fucking told so many people there were lumps and everyone said nah, now keep in mind I am aware everyone isn't a doctor, but lets just understand the tears and worrisome I had factored into those people and each and everyone kinda laughed and said I was a hypo. AND I WAS CONVINCED I WAS TO, well lets think, so James yesterday night in the middle of the night randomly okay? 5 in morning, goes to ‘’McDonalds’’ out of dead sleep, funny right? well hes been smoking hes lied to me and told everyone he hasn't smoked in weeks but he fucking has, and it wouldn't be a big deal at all AT ALL IF HE DIDNT LIE TO ME,like my mother every time she faked being sober (no weed isn't drug but yes its a lie) and even worse smiles in my face when he tells me no, listen I don't think its funny at all to lie. he pressures me everynight to work to get to my job and work through my chest pain because we ‘’need money for our house when we move and deploy’’ well we aren't going to deploy because he can not pass a drug test, everyday he smokes is everyday we have to wait for a future. so hes been pressuring me to be optimistic for nothing, telling me that I can not get an apartment in town for now because its useless for when we do deploy, hes literally holding me back okay, now that is a big statement but please just listen when I say it wit love, I don't mean it in any foul way to hurt anyone, but id be so happy in a little apartment with him, and the dogs here in Springfield, id have my pole up, and be able to proactive dancing , id have room for my clothes. but no. we have to wait, 

so anyways yes hes lying to me, pressuring me to work for fake optimism telling me that hes not smoking when clearly hes been pressuring me to work so he can get high. now sure whatever call it what you want.. but fucking shit that's weird, and so mean. I work through my pain and he sits on his ass or drives two blocks for a 20 while I am literally deproflining myself for a future. what's funny is my breast exam today my doctor (how I knew it was serious) asked me if I would like to go to lobby and grab my friend or mom or husband, well.. he didn't come. why? because he was high with dalton today shopping. 

I am so stressed and scared for my health and want to spend everyday like its my last because I really would never know if it was. and I love everyone and I love James so much, and I see my future with him, but I don't see my future alone and that's how it feels when he is around but not around, like he really is pushing me to be my best but is letting himself go and its worrying me, I can't let myself hold back from me and I won't. and saying these things to you James I never would, because it doesn't matter and maybe it shouldn't, but its worth a write, because maybe just maybe tonight ill be able to sleep a little better. 

lets look at achievements 

got off antidepressants, yay took me 8. monthes

started driving kinda

got a job, thought my anxiety wouldn't let me

finally got a doctor at 20 years old and am now seeing why I should have never.

leaving everyone in past, example Waylon and Stephanie and actually for once in my life not re ruining it with them

not being guilable to mom

got off clonidine.

started eating smoothies 

last word. today I had am amazing day with you dad, you literally are my super hero and make everything around me feel so small when it should be big and scary. ily so much, we ate red robins and I pretended for a second I wasn't anxious and we enjoyed our dinner together. you’re my best friend.

[eradikeats]

18 Questions About Music

I was tagged by @and-so-are-you​ who is my husband/soul mate/trash can friend. Follow him for art and soft-goth vibes x

1. Which bands/artist do you own the most albums by? this question goes two different ways for me because i own whole discographies of many artists/groups and, some of these artists will have longer careers than others so inevitably they will have more albums, you feel. reality is that i own literally everything Maynard James Keenan has recorded and released in an official capacity either with Tool, APC, or Puscifer - plus soundtracks he’s appeared on. The Beatles because i took all of my parents collection and ripped it to my laptop. i own A LOT of Bowie and Prince, all of Muse’s albums, every Joy Division/New Order, The Cure, Deftones, White Lies, IAMX, Elbow. generally, if i get heavy into a band i become a collector. 

2. What was the last song you listened to? The Human League - Seconds

3. What’s in your CD/Record player right now? i was listening to Cocteau Twins Heaven Or Las Vegas while i cooked dinner because you can kind of just yodel along without actually focusing on words

4. What was the last show you attended? white lies at music hall of williamsburg last month

5. What was the greatest show you’ve been to? oh jesus. there’s been a few tbh. elbow at reading 2011 was insane because i was back in the UK and a fucking rainbow erupted over the stage while they performed the birds and i totally lost it. a perfect circle at lollapalooza was the time i became someone Other. IAMX in London last year was emotional as shit cause i was coming down from a stomach flu, was with @simonjpg and @and-so-are-you and they played This Will Make You Love Again and wow. Muse’s War Child gig with fuckin DEAD STAR and the whole of the internet erupted asking me if i was ok which, no i certainly was not. i saw Stevie Wonder for free two summers ago which WOW. funny i’m naming legends but once i saw O’Brother open for Biffy Clyro and they blew me the fuck away. i’ve been a fan ever since and i’m so pleased they’re doing really well now.

 i’ve been blessed with some incredible gigs.

6. What was the worst show you’ve ever been to? yikes. ive never been to a show where the band i’ve paid to see are awful but ive suffered some horrible openers, let me tell you. the worst was when i went to see brian fallon and his opener, i literally do not remember who, was so terrible i got a headache halfway through the set and had to leave the entire gig because i was in agony. 

7. What is the most musically involved you have ever been? uh, in what capacity? well. i play violin and am a singer, i sight read better than i sight sing though. sight reading means im kind of okay at piano although my left hand prowess is non-existent, really. but i mean, if we’re being open and honest, i actually am employed in the music industry, so that’s pretty damn involved if you ask me lol.

8. What show are you looking forward to? SO MANY. ive got some huge festivals this year - Gov’s Ball, Glastonbury, and Lollapalooza (supposing i get tix to the latter). elbow in november, New Power Generation at the start of April. who knows what else will get announced - hoping for some official Franz Ferdinand dates (besides their gov’s ball set) or an APC tour. 

9. What is your favorite band shirt? i have this v-neck black shirt from when i saw The Cure last year. the only size they had was xxl and i got it just because im compelled to get shirts at every gig i attend. its honestly the most comfortable shirt i own and i use it as pajamas. 

10. What musician would you like to hang out with for a day? honestly, id love to spend a day with Dan Smith from Bastille. im not even like super, duper heavy into the band (i love them but not how i love many others) i just want to get some sandwiches and talk about movies with him. we’d have so much to discuss. probably would also love to hang with lorde and osmose some of her glamour. 

11. Who is one musician or group you wish would make a comeback? like...from the dead? bowie or prince, full stop. come back and make a new album, Fair To Midland. such a specific, identifiable sound - no one is filling their space now they’re gone. 

12. Who is one band/ artist you’ve never seen live but always wanted to? BOWIE AND PRINCE. im haunted by the time Prince came to NYC when i was in college and i was too fucking poor to see him. rammstein have decided to play an NYC date for the first time in fucking years and i just so happen to be at glastonbury when they’re here (i am bitter). TOOL is on this list but WILL BE REMOVED IN JUNE, CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE. also, recently lady gaga but specifically during her fame monster years. she came round when i was in college and my housemates went - regret it because she seems like an amazing performer. 

13. Flawless albums? shit. wow. ok. ive got many. Radiohead - In Rainbows, Tori Amos - Little Earthquakes, Prince - Purple Rain, NIN - Year Zero, Cocteau Twins - Heaven Or Las Vegas, White Lies - Ritual (i swear to god, you have no fucking idea how far ahead of its time this album was- it’s six years old and it sounds like it was produced yesterday), Manic Street Preachers - Everything Must Go, elbow - the seldom seen kid, Ghinzu - Blow, and Echo & The Bunnymen - Ocean Rain - to name a few. i find when you listen to a lot of music, you wind up discovering how much art is really out there which is probably why my pretentious ass has a longer list than most idk

14. How many concerts have you been to, total? please don’t make me count. a very high number.

15. Who have you seen the most live? Muse

16. What is your favorite movie soundtrack? I have three really. The Fountain, A Single Man, and Pride & Prejudice. Also, not films but Braid, Bastion, and Transistor are some of the best video game soundtracks. I can’t really go a month without listening to them. 

17. What was your last musical ‘phase’ before you wisened up? i turned my ‘phase’ into a career, i think we’re shit outta luck on the ‘wisened up’ front. 

18. What is your ‘guilty pleasure’ that you hate to admit liking? i love the shit out of K-Pop. it’s been like a 7 year quiet thing in the back of my mind, but if you want to learn some SHINee/EXO/f(x) moves, i got you!

i forgot im supposed to tag people omg uh ok @zombeesknees because she is my queen and i want to know what she’s into; has @simonjpg done this yet? idk, do this if you want!

#music i like #about me #i know im forgetting important things here why are these so hard to do

[random-slut34-blog]

Klaine Wedding Pt.1

I used a Generator for this please don’t hate me I don’t take credit for this. <3. I promise that i will write my own material in the future, this was just a bit of fun -OXO R.S 

Credit goes to : http://fanficmaker.com/

Blaine was up earlier than usually. He was super excited. After all, today was his wedding day!

Blaine danced through the room, sang a little bit and couldn't wait until the evening. Oh, how excited Blaine was! Today, he would finally be married to Kurt! (A/N Oh yeah, Blaine is gay.)

Of course for this day, Blaine had chosen the best wedding cake. And the best wedding catering. And invited all his friends to come (except Santana cuz she's a bitch). Kurt himself was also up early in the morning, doing his morning stretches and excercise so he'd look nice and buff in his suit. Blaine was trying out his wedding dress in front of the mirror  There had been a mixup at the dresser but Kurt thought it was kind of funny so they went along with it.

But of course, most importantly of all: Blaine couldn't wait until the actual night. See. Blaine had a bit of a stick kink. but kept it secret so far. Blaine felt there had to be at least one thing Kurt should only discover on their wedding night! Oh, how excited Blaine was to finally share that final bit with Kurt!

The day was coming along nice. Blaine received lots of compliments for his dress. Kurt looked fabulous in his suit. His muscles nicely toned thanks to the suit being of just the right tightness. Oh, Blaine loved watching his love. Those sweet lips of him touching the wine glass, soaking them up in the red liquid of the wine. Those lips he could kiss all night long. And those hands, Blaine looked at it. Abscentmindedly as someone else was talking to Blaine while he did so. Kurt's hands were so full with power. The way he grabbed Blaine's hands as they cut the cake. The way he held Blaine's wrists as he cut the cake into slices. Those hands would be soon on Blaine's chest.

There was a speech or two. Proclaiming that there had never been such a perfect couple as Blaine and Kurt. That the universe had never seen such love. And everyone cheered and rejoiced. And there were flower petals and rice raining down on them and there were songs being sang in their names.

Or so it should be. Because when Blaine stood there at the altar about to give his word to Kurt. Suddenly! An ExplosioN!

And from the smoke arised no one else but Santana!  "Stop! You are making a mistake!" Santana said. "I should be with Kurt!!"

~~~~~ A/N Oooooh! Bet you didn't expect that! Sorry ClarisaTheBeautiful, I no I told you I wouldn't do that, but I did! hAHAHAHA! ~~~~ Onto the next chappie! In the darkness of that night, away from the preying eyes and ears of those who would judge, some strangers slipped by unnoticed.

But they were not strangers, they knew each-other. And they knew each-other much closer then any of their friends did realize. They knew each-other both inside and out. But their friends did not know this. Their friends could not know. Their friends should not know this. Nor could they know. Because it was night, and thus away from their viscous, judging eyeballs.

"Is it safe?" said the first stranger, who was not a stranger to the other stranger but will remain a stranger to us for the moment.

"I think so. Its dark so none of the others should see us here, even if they are nearby. I think our secret is safe."

"Good. I couldn't take their judgement right now. My life is too stressful as it is. If it wasn't for you I don't know what Id do." "Don't worry Blaine, I will always be here for you - waiting in the dark "Thanks, Kurt. I will always be in the dark for you too"

With that the two shadows embraced - an embracement in the night full of passion and romance. The woman stood atop of the rubble while from everywhere Security Gaurd came from. They tied up all the wedding guests (and Sam, who had been the priest, too!). "I knew something was up," Santana said. "You sounded way too happy last time we spat insults at each other." She said as she walked down from the rubble into the wedding area. "Of course, there was also this." She took out a paper and folded it into an aeroplane. Then she fired it at Blaine.

Blaine opened it up and saw... it was their wedding invitation. Santana laughed loudly, "Oh yeah, you were willing to invite Sebastian but not me?! So I did what I had the right to do... I went to Sebastian and I defeated her and took her invitation.

Blaine knew that Santana could be powerful. Oh yeah, before Santana turned out to be such a collosal biatch, they had been fighting Sebastian together. But Blaine didn't know that Santana could have defeated Sebastian...as long as she had enough motivation!

HAHAHAHAAHA, Santana laughed. "Now to enact my plan!" Because not only will I stop your wedding, I will make your wedding IMPOSSIBLE!!! The golums took Sam and shoved him forward. They did the same thing with Kurt.

Santana walked over to Kurt and took his hand. "Now, Sam, wed me! Otherwise I will kill all you love! And if you, Blaine try to stop me....I will ressurrect Sebastian!"

Blaine felt like he was kicked in the stomach. What an impossible choice! Blaine thought. Give up the love of Blaine's life or save the world from Sebastian. It was almost as if fate or God set everythin in motion to torture Blaine!

But long Blaine didn't have to be in agony. Because Blaine had a plan!

For a moment time seemed to slowed down. Blaine wondered why. Blaine turned around slowly (due to the time seeming to have slowed down). Then the explanation - Kurt was secretly looking at him. Looking at him in that special way. Blaines soul lit up like a beacon in the night - even though it was day.

In all of this. In all of this mess. They had eachother, even if eachother was the only ones that knew. Kurt turned away at that moment - Time jumped back to normal as Blaine was no longer transfixiated by Kurt. Fortunately no one else had noticed. Some time later in their secret hide-away   "I am glade we found a way to survive all that and still be together" "Yes, our plan seems to have worked despite all the events" "Do you think anyone spotted us?" "No" "No" "Yes" Raven emerged from the shadows of the darkness. "I know everything" she said. Blaine and Kurt gasped. Their secret was finally revealed!

"I dont love Kurt like you do" said Raven "but I have always lusted a bit after them. So you see if Kurt spends the night with me - I will never tell anyone. Blaine breathed a sigh of relief. That was, after all, a reasonable request. They agreed to the bargain. "Phwee...thats something we can go along with" said Kurt relieved. Raven was happy, and Blaine and Kurt thus got to live happily ever after together. With no one but Raven and themselves ever knowing. ~~~~~A/N uuuurgh I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry it took sooo long. I had to find some inspiration because yknow, it fic did end in a really difficult cliffhanger! But after binge watching some netflix, I think I really got a cool thing down now! ~~~~~~

"Uuuurgh," Blaine said, putting up his most bored voice, "Well, I didn't really want him anyway, I just said that to rile you up."

"What?!" said Santana in utter disbelieve.

"Yeaaah, I was just so angry with you over, y'know, that thing. that I decided that I was going to marry Kurt just to make you jealous."

And then, then Blaine thought of the one thing that would make his ruse even better.

"Because really, said Blaine, I love you."

Santana stood there baffled. All the lackyss looked at her unsure what to do now "Y... you mean that?" said Santana.

"Of course not!" said Kurt and in that unguarded moment he knocked Santana unconscious.

"Haha, you didn't expect that to happen, hey Bitch?!" Kurt yelled loudly and laughed loudly afterwards. All the other guests laughed as well. As did Blaine.

And afterwards, when the police came and arrested Santana, the wedding continued.

And as Blaine predicted. In the evening, finally he could show off his kink. And then it turned out that Kurt too had a secret, he whispered at Blaine, taking off his shirt and revealing that he had been wearing nipple clamps all this time. That was kinda hot as well, Blaine thought and it became a really really nice night.

Although, deeply, somewhere... Blaine felt a little doubt over his proclaimation of love towards Santana. Maybe there was a core of truth in it. Maybe their rivalry was nothing more than a elaborate foreplay? Non-the less. Now it was too late. Kurt was Blaine's life partner now. Although... maybe... when Santana finally came free, Blaine might be able to convince Kurt to explore more kinks with the both of them....

The end