#its in my head and shit maaaaaaan

[bingobongobonko]

head spinning about where yves and sigourney came from. i dont think they necessarily had last names, it wasn't very common given family houses were practically nonexistent. you'd simply be born, housed until you could work, then be given a name, and then off to the mines with you. sigourney though, i feel like after saving yves and being branded a traitor, she'd be named an iscariot. both her and yves, but sigourney never dropped the iscariot title. not because she takes it with pride, but because referring to herself and yves as iscariots, she knew it made yves feel like shit. she knew that very much reminded yves how indebted he felt to her. sigourney's an iscariot BECAUSE of him, and it keeps him from leaving her behind out of guilt - at least that's how she feels about it. but of course, those things don't last. sigourney pulls, yves pulls, guilt no longer becomes the force keeping them together, and like a rubber band snapping in two, they both feel the whiplash. like ok i established NEITHER yves and sigourney were good people but i never get to outwardly explore just why sigourney was just a horrible person. yves's moments of half asleep stupor, when he swears sigourney's alive and coming to kill him, the way she talks and the way she acts isnt some exaggeration, but how she ACTUALLY spoke to him. and i know i've established this one before, yves's martyr rants are akin to hers. SHE spoke like that, would tell him awful shit about himself. it's something he can't forget, and something he's absorbed himself, and something he just does now. doesn't justify it, i dont think, but yk how people are like, you speak like the people who've affected you the most. Well. i feel like this is one of those. in that way, she did win. sigourney got what she wanted. yves can't isolate himself from sigourney, she's dug her nails into him for the rest of time itself.

+ edit: she also gets her own playlist now :)

#lancer yves spoilers #its in my head and shit maaaaaaan #get out! #but yeah #spoilers #this is just me ramnling about ocs but also yeah reveal for sigourney's full name #sigourney iscariot #kinda cool #Spotify

[coldetoowavvy]

Hi! Saw you wanted to participate on the 6 days of CNCO. So I hope its okay to send you some questions.

For Zabdiel:

-What is your favorite pic/gif of Zabdiel's smile?

-Thoughts on Zabdiel's accent? Do you like how he sounds in English?

-What is one quality you see in Zabdiel that you admire (or wished you had)?

For Chris:

-Any phrase/moment from Chris that lives rent free in your head?

-If you had a chance to change Chris hair style/color, would you? If so, to what would you change it to?

-Is there anything that you see/hear/think about and automatically makes you think of Chris?

And now some this or that:

Share a plate of food with Chris or share a blanket with Zabdiel?

Be the little spoon with Chris or the big spoon with Zabdiel?

"ITS A FUCKING WRAP" or "Lengua Kiss"

Appa or Ollie?

Private balcony serenade from Zabdiel or have Chris bring you to stage and sing to you?

yeah! ive been mia for the past 2 days 😅 but thank you for the questions and these are really good too soooo lets begin YEEEEHAWWWW

WARNING THIS IS LONG AS FUCK

ZABDIEL 😍

- What is your favorite pic/gif of Zabdiel's smile?

bABBBBYYYYYYYYYY- he melts my heart 🥺 look at them EYEEEESSS

there is nothing to say just LOOK AT HIIIIIM NO FARTHER DISCUSSION

- Thoughts on Zabdiel's accent? Do you like how he sounds in English?

• zab’s english has improved soooo much watching older interviews compared to now im so proud of him so yes he sounds amazing when he speaks english 😔 his accent is SCRUMPTIOUS that thick pr accent does things to me (you should see me when i listen to his part in the bad guy cover 🥵🥵)

- What is one quality you see in Zabdiel that you admire (or wished you had)?

• i likes this question 🤔 this gonna sound basic but i really admire his passion for what he obviously loves to do which is singing and his love for music. also his dancing too. as a dancer myself, seeing him dance (along with richard but we gonna save that for his day) it just gives me life and i love itttt

CHRISSSSSSSS MY MANS

- Any phrase/moment from Chris that lives rent free in your head?

• maaaaaaan the moment(s) that lives rent free in my mind is “you deserve it girl baby” and “i hope you like vanilla cause i love chocolate” 🥵🥵

- If you had a chance to change Chris hair style/color, would you? If so, to what would you change it to?

• of course i would change this mans hair style and color. i would like to see his hair long again with an undercut in a high bun with a little strand of hair in the front like this:

but with a bit of a lighter brown WHEWWW he would look so good to me 🥵🥵

- Is there anything that you see/hear/think about and automatically makes you think of Chris?

• every tiiiiime, it never fails, i hear just like magic by ariana grande or yeah i said it by rihanna i think of him 😤 also when i hear the word ‘chipotle’ i instantly say it in his voice

THIS OR THAT

Share a plate of food with Chris or share a blanket with Zabdiel?

• FIRST OF ALL chris would eat up ALL my damn food and zabdiel would hog the whole blanket with his big ass 🙄 but it i had to choose i would pick zabdiel

Be the little spoon with Chris or the big spoon with Zabdiel?

• WAIIIIIIIIT 🥺🥺 idk why but i love being the big spoon most of the time so im gonna zabdiel again (but i love tight back hugs chris soooo come and spoon me)

"ITS A FUCKING WRAP" or "Lengua Kiss"

• chris yelling at in the middle of the damn night “ITS A FUCKING WRAP” chanting it over and over is my biggest mood for 2020 🤣

Appa or Ollie?

• I LOVE THEM BOOOOOOOTH DONT DO THIS TO ME but ill choose ollie cause i love dogs (sorry to my two kittens that i own 😬)

Private balcony serenade from Zabdiel or have Chris bring you to stage and sing to you?

• awwwww chrisssss 🥺 but im still gonna go with zab for this one too cause idk a private balcony serenade is so romantic and its a private concert just for you and i love cheesy shit like that surprisingly

#cnco #zabdiel de jesus #christopher velez #6 days of cnco #my asks #faith opens her mouth

[sarakuper]

Zion National Park, Utah (again!)

Stop #34, Nov 3-6

For our second time in Zion on this trip Sean and I had a truly unforgettable experience as we completed two bucket list hikes. If my only mother knew what I was doing, she would have killed me…. but don’t worry Ma! We did it all very safely and came back in one piece. 

We arrived Sunday afternoon at the same dispersed camping site we stayed at back in July when we visited the first time. This time we camped at a spot higher up with views overlooking another beautiful canyon.  We set up camp, cooked dinner, played Kaluche (yes, I won.. again!), and mapped out our next day. We talked about doing Angel’s Landing, a very popular and difficult hike, about 5.4 miles long, that challenges anyones fear of heights. This hike boasts incredible views of the Zion Canyon and the need to use chains to climb all the way to the top of Angel’s Landing. A large majority of the hike is your typical, but also gorgeous, steep hike with several switchbacks. The last quarter of a mile (sounds short, right?) is where you risk your life holding onto chains and climbing up a steep and narrow cliff. 1-2 feet off the “trail” in either direction and splat, you’re dead. Honestly, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. It’s such a popular trail, people are basically waiting in line to climb to Angel’s landing! On average one person per year dies on this hike, but thousands of people hike it each year. Possibly hundreds of thousands. While we were discussing the possibility of this hike, Sean was unsure he would do it. He doesn’t fear many things (or at least doesn’t show it), but his fear of heights is real.

Monday morning came and we started our accent. Several switchbacks later we reached Scouts Lookout which is a plateau just before the risky climb to Angel’s Landing. This area was super crowded, and Sean and I were thinking “Let’s climb to the top and then come back here for lunch”. Angel’s landing is literally 0.5 miles away, so I thought this would be quick and we’d be eating lunch in no time. I also thought the portion of the hike we did was pretty much as risky as it gets… maaaaaaan was I wrong. 

Here is where the chains just begin. It was so crowded in this area, but we are so close right? I thought it was just around the bend. We started using the chains and I turned back to Sean where he shook his head at me. He didn’t need to use words; I knew this meant he wasn’t coming. I nodded back and continued on thinking to myself “this will be quick!”. Well, I got around the bend passing a large majority of the crowds, and there it was.. the scariest view I’ve ever seen. Reality set in as I actually saw the treacherous 0.5 mile hike ahead to the top of Angel’s Landing. At this point I thought “I’m already here. I made it this far. I’m doing it.”. 

A few minutes into the climb I made friends with the people immediately ahead and behind me. Most of them also came with a parter that stayed back at Scout’s Lookout. We encouraged each other and thought out loud “holy shit this is so dangerous and sketchy”. I don’t have a particular fear of heights, but I couldn’t even look to the right or left of me. All I could do was look down at my feet and the immediate steps ahead. I was terrified. This is where I thought to myself… if my mother knew what I was doing…  

I wanted to turn back. I was actually thinking this hike is so freaking stupid because of how dangerous it is. How is it possible that its crowded with hundreds (and maybe thousands) of people doing it each day!? There was no turning back now. We scrambled up the entire way, using the chains to pull ourselves up and to hold onto for dear life. But I did it. I made it to the top. I was so shook, I barely took any photos. I sat down and stayed down feeling the comfort of the ground below me. After the first set of chains I had to put my camera in my backpack because I needed it out of the way during the climb. One of the girls I climbed with forced me to get up and take pictures, and so here they are. 

I was very anxious to get down and be reunited with Sean. This “short” climb took way longer than I expected and I had already been gone for an hour. So, with most of the same people I climbed up with, we began our decent back to Scouts Lookout. I thought the way down would be way worse for 2 reasons; 1- navigating around the uphill traffic. There was NO room for two way traffic, and the large amounts of people doing this made it extra dangerous. 2- going down you are looking directly at the cliffs beside you. You are looking at how you will fall and die if you misstep. So yeah, thinking about the downhill made me even more scared. But as it turns out, and I’m not sure why, the decent back was actually less scary than the way up. I made it back to Scouts Lookaut and found Sean, immediately running into his arms for a huge hug. I wasn’t sure if he was worried about me because I was gone for so long, but he gave me a huge smile and high five. He actually climbed up to a different viewpoint and was watching me climb up and down through his binoculars. He was very proud of me and also felt reaffirmed that he didn’t do it because of what he saw through the binoculars and because of what I shared about it. This might have been the craziest thing I’ve ever done and I will never do it again. But damn I DID IT!!

After the hike into the Grand Canyon my legs were absolutely fried. I was very excited that after completing Angel’s Landing my legs and body felt strong and were not aching in pain. I guess the South Kaibab hike to Skeleton’s point was a good warm up hike after all! 

That afternoon and evening we prepared for our next adventure, hiking to The Subway from the bottom up. We rented water shoes and socks from a local rental shop. A few days prior I inquired with the Wilderness department at Zion about a getting a permit to do this hike. It’s a non maintained trail in the backcountry that takes route finding, scrambling, and hiking through water to complete. I tried to get a permit for this hike back in July but was denied because they reached the maximum number of people to permit for that day. Looking back I’m so glad I was denied then; I was not a strong enough hiker to complete this challenge! Looking at the stats this hike is 9.1 miles and 1,500 feet in elevation gain. I’ve completed hikes with more challenging statistics, so I was confident that I could do it. But this hike is a lot more technical and complex than that. And no matter how much we read about it, I didn’t realize how challenging this hike actually was until we were there doing it. 

The trailhead was almost 1.5 hours away, and so we hit the road before 7am to get a decently early start. We started the hike on a normal path for about 0.5 miles before completing a very (and I mean VERY) steed downward climb to the river. Once we made it to the river we placed neon rope around the area as a marker so we knew where to get out of the river on the return. We didn’t see a “trail” at this point, so we hiked through the river upstream. As long as we follow the river we will make it to The Subway.

After about 30 minutes navigating around rocks and trying to not to slip, we realized we were moving very slowly. We needed to find the trail so we could get a move on. Sean found the “trail”, which came and went every few minutes. We crossed the river, climbed, and jumped over large rocks and boulders to make our way through. It felt very strenuous, and was taking much longer than a typical hike. This gave me a serious appreciation for maintained trails where all I needed to do was “follow”. But Sean was our guide that day, and when I wanted to turn around because it was too hard he gave me the tough love I needed to make it to the end. It was me who wanted to do The Subway so badly anyway! Well, after 4 hours (yes, it took 4 hours to go 4.5 miles!) we made it to The Subway. And WOW, this place was absolutely spectacular. I will let the photos speak for themselves.

We took enjoyed the scenery, took photos, ate lunch, and began our hike back in hopes to make it back for Jaxon before sunset. It turns out the hike back was a lot easier and went by much faster. Maybe that’s because we actually found the “trail” and did a lot less hiking through the river and scrambling compared to our way up. Oh, and did I mention there are dinosaur tracks right along this trial? Seriously! They are very hard to find, but with our AllTrails map we were able to spot them!

We made it back to the car around 4pm taking us a total of 7.5 hours to complete this hike. We were proud of ourselves as we left the trail feeling very accomplished! I could never have done this hike without Sean and am grateful for his ability to navigate us safely and push me  with tough love and encouragement when I needed it most.

What an incredible two days we just had. What an amazing 4 months its been.

We have another week of traveling in the trailer and visiting national parks before we begin preparing for the next chapter of our trip. Once we get to Denver on Nov 13(ish), this amazing part of our journey will come to an end.

I’m feeling very grateful for all the new places we’ve seen, experiences we’ve had, and for the time me, Sean, and Jaxon have spent together just us in the small quarters of our trailer thats become our home. It will be hard to say goodbye to our mobile home, but significantly harder to say goodbye to Jaxon. That is something we are really not looking forward to; my heart breaks just thinking about it.

Thanks for reading, love you all.

[345pm]

Hey, y’all. I’m back with another rant bc yeah.

I doubt anyone reads what I write, but if you’ve read my other rant, I was talking about this guy I liked a little bit. Mostly thought he was cute. He still is tho. Well, that’s shits over & canceled. Lol! Nah, he didn’t do anything wrong to me. My crush started fading. Plus, I heard he doesn’t even truly like black girls like that. That he just dates us for clout & shit. Idk how true that is though.

Anyways. There’s another guy I like (: He’s a cute ass white guy. I think we’re about the same height. He’s maybe like 3 inches taller than me? Idk, but it doesn’t bother me @ all. Well, I think he’s gorgeous. He’s kinda dorky looking, but that’s what I like about him. His voice isn’t all that deep, but you can tell he’s a man if you heard his voice but didn’t see his face. I feel like he’s a little bit older than me. Like maybe mid 20’s? He likes women, but idk if he’ll like bc I’m 19 going on 20 in a few months. Like I don’t want to come off as childish or something if I ask him out or ask him if he has social media. I know you can’t just make assumptions about people, but he doesn’t strike me as the type to really be on Snapchat & shit. He’s always smiley & happy. He’s so nice & helpful too. When he sees me, he speaks. We don’t have long conversations or anything, mostly joking around about work, (him closing) but that’s about it. I still enjoy it tho. So, I want to try to talk to him about stuff other than work. Like try to lead the conversation to other topics to try to get to know him a little more. I tried to get a job where he works too, but I haven’t been having any luck lately. Imma keep trying bc I actually do want to the bc I’m tired of the shit I’m doing.

But like I said about the guy I’m crushing on, I’m worried he won’t like me. I know it happens, some people simply aren’t interested. I usually do like people, but I’m feeling like I’m lacking the looks. I’m nothing special. I’m not all that & a bag of chips. I’m not that confident & I’m kinda weird. Not to sound like a pick me bitch. I just don’t wanna scare my mans off. Lmao. I ain’t even gonna lie, I thought about staying after work one day on a Sunday since I know he closes & just hiding on the side of the building until he walks out just so I can see what type of car he drives. Or if he’s walking, I can follow behind him to see where he lives. Lmfaoooo. I’m lowkey serious though. I’ve been thinking about doing that shit for a minute but I don’t wanna be weird. JDSKSKSK. Also, I stopped going in the break room but I know he still goes in there. He sits in left chair that’s in front of the tv. I’ve been trying to see what kind of phone he has, but he holds that damn phone so tight in his hand I can barely see. Lmaoooo. My friend says it’s an iPhone tho. Not sure if it’s still the same, but last time I saw, he had a blue otter box on it. Maaaaaaan, if I catch that phone laying around anywhere—- Lmfao.

There’s a clothing store next to where we work, so I’m going apply there. If I get the job, then on my breaks, I’ll go in. If I see him, I’m doing to try to talk to him. Here’s how I imagined this going. Probably sounds lame af, but: I walk in & see him & I’ll say hey. I know he’ll speak back & I’ll ask if he remembers me from the demos. And if he says yes, I’ll says good. And tell him I just stopped in on my break to see a few friends. I haven’t seen your handsome face in forever so I thought I’d say hey too. Gotta make sure he realizes that I’ve called him handsome lol. And then ask him how the jobs going & try to lead that to a different convo. Flirt a lil bit, but try to to go overboard. He’s does stock so he won’t have too much time to talk to me. So I wanna try to end the convo before he does. Imma say bye & hopefully he’ll be looking @ my booty while I walk away. Lmfaoooooo. What y’all think? Was that shit I just typed wack? Idk, that’s how I’m imagining this in my head.

I just kinda upset myself, I realized he most likely wouldn’t even notice I’m gone. Fuck LMFAOOOOI’mhurtafOOOOOO. Nah, but imma attemp to step out of my comfort zone & y’all to him a little more. I can’t figure out what to say though? Should I just be straight up? That would be the more rational thing to do.

I’m 19 going on 20, but I don’t have a car. Not even my license, or permit. I don’t have my own place either. So I thought that might bother him? I feel behind in life. Whatever. I’m going to get my shit together. For now, he seems so cute & pure. I wanna get to know him. I wonder if he’s freaky af, but I can’t bring myself to think about him like that a lot. Not bc I ain’t sexually attracted to him bc I definitely am, but he’s just to adorable! Looool! I don’t want to disrespect him, you know? Its just different with him so far. I think about it sometimes though bc he’s quiet. Quiet people are usually freaky af. I’d let him do anything to me. I would honestly let him spit in my mouth if he wanted to. Like I’m deadass. Maybe that quietness is just @ work? Not sure how he is outside of work. Speaking of that, i wanna know where he shops @ & shit outside of work. I wanna “accidentally” run into him. Lol. Gotta make sure I’m looking cute though.

I’m a little sleepy, so I’m gonna go lay down. I’ll have to edit this to add in more cute stuff about him. But these rants I do on here truly make feel a bit better. I hope they can make y’all feel better & laugh too. Lol. Goodnight (: I’m sure no one reads these, but I’m going to give an update on how it goes with us. Wish me luck! (:

#345pmrants

[loseranthems]

fave movies and or shows? fave music artists and or bands?

mmmmmmmmhmhmhmmmm man good questions. i had to simmer on this for a hot minute but

some shit that id rewatch until my corpse rotted into the chair:

>the sopranos. theres seriously nothing on the level of this shit. there isnt a bad episode at all? this is spurring me on to rewatch it again for like the 9276th time just to prove myself wrong lol but, like, there aint. its solid and so fucking well written up until the very last second, and the amount of metas and psychiatric metas and character studies thatve been compiled over the past decade+ are tantamount to the fuckin quality on that shit

>low winter sun. got shelved on AMC for being too dark, so it only got 1 season, BUT, its probably the best one season of anything at all. sopranos level writing, a realistic and unbridled slice of politics and daily grind of detroit. corrupt cops, insane OST? religion as a blurry roadmap to self-destruction? its good yall, and it does it without being too voyeuristic about the state of the city either. had to scrounge gutters to find a DVD of it but if you can buy that shit physical, do it. build an altar for it. votive candles and all man. fantastic, fantastic show. one of the few times the US did a better job than the BBC version.

>wallander. KUHLASSIK yall. dont even come at me unless youve seen this. and not the BBC version either, but henning mankells version with subtitles and shit. wow. and if you go off on a search for it online, uh, lemme know where you find it? i cant find this thing anywhere unless i drop like 90+ on amazon for it and man i like it but for one season? lmao. dont let that draw you back though, its nordic crime done right. its subtle, its understated, its nuanced, its slow going and slow burning and gritty. it hits hard and it plays out like a novel because it was one. so actually if you can find the novels for it, read em first. brilliant shit.

FILMS. gunna go just for top ¾ off the top of my head since this is hard to condense:

>the grey. hoooo weeeeEEE, yeah, this makes me go catatonic for like an hour everytime i finish watching this. adapted from a novel, and it shows in how it tells the story. very chaptered, well paced. its fucking amazing. very lord of the flies, a bunch of dudes wrestling with masculinity and power balance, and its just… gentle about it all. poetic, languid, stark in its novelization of dialogue and how it handles silence. amazing, amazing, amazing.

>Q U O  V A D I S. or any biblical epic, really. but ill sing the praises of quo vadis until i die. forever. holy fucking shit i love this movie. watch in bluray, dont watch it any other way. ill be in your window and dab violently everytime i make eye contact with you if i catch you watching this in 720p. steal a 60" flatscreen and watch it in the back of your GMC savana, or hijack the local entertainment section of your local best buy and put this shit on and watch it there. its so good its worth the risk of prison. seriously. ill send it to you in jail if you fail

>brooklyns finest. hahaha oh my god, its good. its good. guy who did training day did this, and arguably brooklyns finest might be better/his best work? oh my god man, its like a shakespeare play, and all striations that emerge in the characters are tied up elegantly in the end in a way that rivals old plays. so incredibly well done. i guess i just get hard at corrupt cop stories, especially in the 65th precinct. its one of the best (if not THE best) crime dramas set in modern times. like, what if affleck’s ‘the town’ didnt have that shoehorned in romance? and was darker? its like that. and that soundtraaaaack hahaha oh maaaaaaan. anything with green lantern alongside the delfonics is good.

(also im shit at updating it, but i do have a letterboxd if you wanna peep some of my nore notable picks: https://letterboxd.com/vpuvwv/films/)

MUSIC. way too hard to pick TOP OF ALL TIME anything so - shit ive been listening to hard the past week:

>lots of františek jiránek ?? and choral evensongs. lmao i dont have anything to commentate on this since im clearly not a classist cunt from sussex with a posh garden full of basil. but shits good, esp this: https://youtu.be/dZReCxQtQ7U

>connan mockasin. i think i first picked up on him a few years back in some offhand mixtape i downloaded but im back on his shit and goddamn: https://youtu.be/Teyy1A_AJso (also in the same vain of soft spoken guys wailing; old MGMT live sessions, been back on that too lately. just imagine standing in a starbucks with screenplays clackin about and their arrogant hipster shit in the BG. thats what ive been back to lately hahah)

>WILEY: https://youtu.be/sa1glDxNvfk. been outside of its circle for a while but UK grime has been taking me over the past week so, wiley. and donae'o. p money.

#lmao this took 4 ever #my_verbose_ass.pdf