#its really not my fault that childhood abuse made you so codependent on me that me going 'yeah if you're not actually like this | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

maipareshaan · 9 months

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I am bored and i have been too nice, but no like everytime my love for Dean builds i see Deanblr and i am just like ugh ugh ugh.

But i am a nice non-reactionary blog so i won't be mean to Dean.

But anyways literally they seem to be like super reactionary about Dean crit, which understandable and it is exaggerated, but like they have imo weird readings about Carver era, like just weird, i think its very much completely about not seeing the codependency and thus the point and Dean as codependent and thus not weighing what any of his actions mean as the present Dean, its also framed as why he does things and what he deserves aka his childhood made him do it and he is not the result of his upbringing so he's not his present self and he has no present actual true desires, he's just a abused baby adult who deserves better by being a future self who is his true self who overcomes all of his internalised abuse. In all this jumbled mess present Dean is simply not seen.

Dean knows Sam will not say yes to Gadreel, he tells Gadreel what to say or atleast that he has to trick Sam, i think that's very much implied like pls, he's not a horrible man i suppose, just a man who will let his brother be possessed against his will because he can't let Sam die. He keeps lying though it really hurts him because Gadreel reminds him Sam is not healed and will die if rejects Gadreel. Dean's not being hostaged imo, he's being reminded the actual stakes, he could decide to tell Sam and the consequences of the whole thing would happen which could include Sam saying he wants Gadreel out even if it means dying, this is why Dean doesn't tell Sam till he thinks Gadreel is too much of a threat.

Anyways to Dean in s8 saying what they do is hunt and being disappointed Sam is applying to college to telling Sam no you won't when Sam says he's done after finding Kevin, to him saying the point of living is 'you and me together, fighting the good fight', the point really is that they are codependent and Dean wants this codependence, yes its because of his childhood and because he doesn't know anything else but yes that's relevant in his fears too. Yes he also says his dream is Sam out but he says all this after he says all that (also imo he is imagining himself actually dead here like in anycase how is it not mindfuckery for Sam).

I think s9 readings can go a bit extreme because he is essentially gaslighting Sam to get him to live to stay with him, but the gaslighting isn't the same as pretty much any other depiction or malicious, the making him be alive is understandable especially given his internalised duty and the circumstances of s8 leading to it where he feels like Sam wants to live but he has failed him and also has guilt for his position, and the staying with him is an afterthough imo, its relevant but its not the primary factor to the decision.

And Sam has every right to be upset but he's essentially told not to, that he should just understand and accept that Dean had to do it and he would do it again. And that is horrifying, that is codependency, its not just that what happened to Sam was such a violation, he's supposed to be okay with it bcz that's just how it is.

And s10 is Sam dismissing Dean's wishes to his fate, though that's a bit harder to accept than just death plus active time to search for a solution, and Sam has a lot of guilt particularly about not doing anything to find Dean and saying he wouldn't do anything to save Dean, and you don't have to take this as Dean's fault bcz yes circumstances and all but like idk it seems obvious to me that Sam's brotherdaddy issues are at play and the codependency is just so so well done in s9-10 and the point.

So ya what was the point...that man told Gadreel what to do in Sam's head jeez and its okay.

#Fandom wank

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medranochav · 3 years

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my moms been living with us for 4 months now. her stay was initially tolerable but is now triggering and I find myself regressing in a lot of ways. Her grief has evolved into torment and per her m.o. she'd like for her issues to take first priority. Except, my sis and I are grown now, and as a therapised household (literally we've all been in counseling, babies included) though we still lean on each other for support, we ultimately don't function codependently.

And beeecause that's not how we grew up, I think my mother is now having to contend with the reality that she has to do the emotional work of surviving her many traumas (and currently her many dramas) on her own. We support her but we can't fix it for her.

Currently, it's a crisis a day and she's spiraling into mini catastrophic states everytime. Which was sufferable at first because despite my labored support, I still maintained my boundaries and didn't adopt her distress as my own. The problem now is the increasing frequency with which these crying spells are taking place. Not to mention the fact that she's been doing so in front of the kids; something that would normally be acceptable because my sis and I make space for feelings (even our own) in our home. The difference being, we do so responsibly. We listen, we talk, give affection and/or space but always with the fundamental knowledge that our emotions belong to us individually and only we can be accountable for them. A gentle reminder that though part of a unit, they still have agency and accountability.

This interdependency makes way for a more compassionate exchange. Whenever they see us cry or be vunerable, the kids have the wherewithal to approach us without attaching themselves to our emotional circumstance. It's an empathy that perceives our emotional reactions as relatable but still not their responsibility. I've seen our work proven time and time again.

One example is when my sister's [redacted] died and the boys spotted her crying on the couch. Without being prompted, they approached her independently, commiserated, hugged and kissed her and shortly after went back to playing on their electronics. It was such a graceful display of emotional validation that demonstrated their love for her without sacrificing their own desires in doing so. Truly remarkable, that at ages 5-8 they maintained boundaries while still being there for their mom.

They're also there for one another but it's seldom a sinking ship. And when emotional support is rejected they respect that as well, without taking it personally [tbh that has more to do with concepts of mandatory consent that we impart on them, but as is evident, it applies. #intersectionality] It's an ongoing practice that I'm proud to be a part of, considering the kids have codependent figureheads in both their maternal and paternal families. WE'RE TRYING TO BREAK CYCLES HERE.

Yes, our home is a safe space for emotional processing but always leveraged with the emotional balance of self reliance, awareness and resiliency. The kids have proven to have the capacity for this and through teaching them, so do we.

It's human to have outbursts, but my mother's pattern is proving to be less intrinsic and more deliberate. She needs an audience in order to experience catharsis. A potentially reasonable behavior except for it's her only one. So it's imbalanced and seeks refuge in the reliance of our total empathy.

Furthermore she's disingenuous in her emotional performances. When approached out of concern, she responds with the proverbial, "I'm ok." Like, its subtle but super manipulative to say that, when we can CLEARLY see she's not. The kids see and hear her, the least she could do is not gaslight them. And I'm not saying her tactics are successful but it exposes the bby's to unnecessary dysfunction and covertly teaches them to assume the responsibility of communicating her emotion for her. She's also non verbal and unpredictable and tho not at her best rn [like, literally who is? this year has wrecked us all] she and we deserve proper communication.

The mind games are soul sucking and triggering for me in a way that is not for my sister. Though we share a mother, the repective versions of her that we experienced as children differ greatly.

My sister's the eldest and spent the first couple years of her life as the only child to a very young mother living alone in America after being displaced by the civil unrest in her native El Salvador. By age 3, with the addition of a new baby sister (my moms 2nd) she was sent to a country fully at war. My sisters would spend the next half decade of their lives in sunny wartorn tropics, watched over and raised by our family of four women. A blissful antithesis to their future with our mom. Upon the return to their forgotten country of origin (USA) and severed from the only family and community they've ever known, the girls were whisked away by a mother they barely remembered and a baby brother they had never met... marking the beginning of my mom's descent into single motherhood.

My mom resented having a brood of kids, namely her 2nd and 3rd, who's father was abusive and absent. Don't know much of the facts outside of what she would ritualistically berate my siblings about during her brutal tantrums -as if it were their fault they simply existed. The second born, my other sister, left home at 12 and has been estranged ever since and the third, my brother, has recently severed bonds abruptly claiming a new life with a woman he's known barely a year yet now calls wife. Proving that despite being raised by the same woman we all had different mothers.

Since my siblings endured a childhood with a volatile, violent woman who managed her emotions thru physical abuse... when she wasn't, she was neglectful of them, turning her attention onto me... the youngest (four years removed from the rest of the pack). I bore witness to said abuse until I was 5, when it was litigiously exposed, forcing her to abandon corporal punishment and rely solely on mental/emotional abuse. That's the version of my mom I got.

I was 10 when my sister left for college. Just my brother and I remained. Similarly to each other we both lived in service to our mother. Whereas his duties were more physically laborious, mine consisted of full on emotional labor. I spent most of my childhood navigating a homelife that was so saturated and occupied by my mother's opera of a life, that there was no room for my feelings, thoughts, desires or identity. I was her plaything, a person sans agency. My age and vulnerability proved advantagous when grooming me. I learned to behave in ways satisfactory to her needs. I was made to react to (and collect) her emotional distress, endorse her judgements of others, perform well in school as a testament to her rearing, and accept her violations of me as normal. I was a shackled spectator, whose own emotions were mere reflections of her dramatizations. I was tailored to be the MOST convenient. So I kept secrets and coped alone. I knew just enough abt myself to remain human but lacked the vision to actualize it. And because emotional abuse is so insidious in its indoctrination, I was really none the wiser until I too moved away years later.

I'm almost 30 now and I'm a mess. I can't establish enduring relationships, I'm fat, I'm broke, I'm debilitatingly avoidant, socially inept, codependent, confused and lack significant self worth. I spent the past decade delving deep into undoing all the work done to me to keep me a reliable supply for my mother and coming to terms with all the time lost in doing so. I've had glimpses and proof of another life but this year sent me back to old coping mechanisms and devastatingly familiar relationships. I read that by its very nature, all pandemics have to end and I thought I was strong enough to share a definite time&space with my abuser for the foreseeable future.... but with no end in sight, I kind of really wish I had established a clearer version of myself and where I stand in this family, to her.

Similar predicaments flung us both to the south and having her here is like a screen forging images of the same dysfunction I exhibited upon my arrival 7 years ago. There's so much I wish I could tell my former self, namely, "it's not your fault. you're not alone. you don't have to try so hard and tomorrow is another day" And perhapz it's this layered vision of myself as seen thru her that compels me to want to save her, but doing so requires me to get too close to a flame I've yet to extinguish. Im not foundationally sound enough to go up in flames and rebuild afterwards, I need a few more rounds of therapy for all that. I'm a stitch away from coming apart at the seams. Weak construction, but I'm still standing. I have more life to live and can't risk the breeze of my mother's chaotic whims to topple what's taken years to forge. I love her, because she's the only mom I got and because she's the kids' only access to our motherland. How can I reconcile this version of me with this version of her?

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teddytigers · 4 years

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some rambles about my relationship with regression :-)

hey there!! i dont talk on here often, but ive been thinking about regression a lot and my personal experiences with it

(ps i will be talking about experiences with abuse and such below! nothing graphic, just talking about it, just so you know!! )

dunno if anyone is gonna read this or not but maybe it’ll be some food for thought!

reparenting myself

i think the number one thing regression taught me was the actual concept of self care, not just baths and buying yourself things, the actual idea of caring for your body and mind and taking its needs into consideration

growing up in a household where my needs did not come first, in fact my needs felt like a hindrance on those who were supposed to be taking care of me, you learn to put your needs last. and it sucks! in my own personal experiences with neglect and abuse, my emotional or physical state was not even a second thought to me, the only thing on my mind was survival and getting through the day/week

vulnerability and shame were two big aspects of my abuse, and two feelings i still struggle with. i was a very tough, hard child. i never felt happy or comfortable enough to ever let down my guard, and it sucked! kids should not have to feel like that

shame still hurts me to this day, when you grow up in a home that makes you feel bad or small for enjoying something, being something, saying something, it creates this need to curl away and become accommodating and people-pleasing, just to avoid shame

regression has let me come face to face with some of these things i struggle with (shame, fear, aggression) and reclaim them and understand them, to understand that my child self was not bratty, or rude, or annoying, she was scared, and hurt, and unable to escape or cope. regression has let me understand the softness of childhood and that none of it was my fault

regression helped me reparent myself, basically!

(ok now time to talk about some small gripes i have with age regression communities, not age regression itself)

i dislike the emphasis on needing a caregiver or needing someone to aid with regression, its perfectly valid and okay if you have those things and they help, but i want people to use age regression to truly dig into their inner child and heal and understand their inner child

i find dependency is something that is sort of glorified in these communities, in our childhoods we may be abandoned or abused or hurt by parental figures and leave those wounds unattended, they can manifest into dependency or codependency in relationships and can reopen those parental wounds

i truly just want people to heal and listen to their inner child and i fear the emphasis on NEEDING a carer/caregiver is hindering a very personal process

(nothing wrong w having one, i would love one! just the whole culture of not being a valid age regressor if you dont have one and or rushing into carer relationships and possibly damaging those parental wounds further)

reconnecting with regression

i found i have sort of had moments of spotty regression or not regressing at all, i want to regress and i have been attempting to reconnect with regression

i don’t want my regression to be performative or solely aesthetic, i want my regression to be real and pure

i find myself looking back at my past self and trying to understand what made it so easy for me then and not now? i think i forget that it was never easy for me, and its a process im relearning

i think because in the past (2016-2017 chire era, god bless anyone who remembers) i was so connected to communities, which now im not so connected with them

i find this need to reenter them but every time i join discord servers or group chats i just cant connect to people like i used to back then, but i have to remind myself that i did not set boundaries for myself and those chats were extremely overwhelming to me at the time

i try not to focus on “i want the feeling that i had back then back” but focusing on “i can redefine that feeling in a healthy way”

i find one thing i have been learning in this progress is to just let myself be, just not setting myself to BE or ACT any strict way, just letting myself relax and let my inner child do what they want

conclusion?

wow what a lengthy post! god bless you if you actually read all of this, i actually really appreciate it! i know most people follow me for my ~aesthetic~ pictures but i really do love to answer questions or chat!

ive had some bullies and assholes in my life in the past who have shamed me and made fun of my regression so ive kept myself a bit on the down-low, but now i dont really care! im baby!

i have been thinking about starting a small application only agere community with all this free-time i have nowadays, but knowing myself i may be a bit too reclusive

anyways! stay safe out there right now, the world is scary but we got this, as much as it feels like we dont, the world has been through countless scary periods and we come through each one stronger, we’ve got this, i have hope for humanity :)

(fyi, if we were friends in the 2017 chire era, feel free to message me! id love to catch up! i used to go by the name joey and i was pretty active in teenietots! )

#my posts

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positivepsychologyinterventions · 5 years

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3 Steps to Break Your Painful Relationship Patterns

“Until you heal your past, your life patterns and relationships will continue to be the same; it’s just the faces that change.” – Unknown

First of all: honey, you are not broken. We are all works in process. There is nothing inherently wrong with you. We all end up in a loop here and there. Sometimes it’s because we haven’t healed pain from the past. And sometimes it’s because we’ve healed our pain but still hold on to past habits. When we do this, past habits will promote the replaying of past events and, therefore, the pain will return.

This happens at a psychological and practical level. The type of beliefs we have about reality will shape the way we perceive it, react to it, and interpret it. This is a neurological reality that has been proven scientifically: the brain creates concepts and finds ways to validate them.

This is the way prejudice is built, but is also the way you expect sweetness and tartness out of an apple.

The moment you read the word “apple,” you already started generating the necessary enzymes to digest one and enjoy its flavor. You already started reacting to something that isn’t even here, based on the concepts (beliefs) the brain (mind) has constructed on it according to previous experiences.

This is one of the many ways science has validated that “life is an illusion.” This is great news. It means we can choose, in a way, what kind of illusion to believe in and, consequently, co-create in our lives.

Past experiences—especially our childhood experiences—inevitably shape this concept-system in the brain. They create what we refer to as a value system in the mind. These, in turn, determine our thinking habits. The thinking habits will define how we speak and act.

In other words, the way we perceive apples will determine how we react to them or even the idea of them.

If you believe that you should expect sweetness out of apples, you will seek apples that provide sweetness, and you will react by preparing to enjoy the sweetness, which will allow you to do so at a higher level than if your body didn’t salivate and prep your taste buds for it. By expecting sweetness, you get to experience it with heightened senses when you get it.

This idea also applies to unpleasant concepts. This is also a neurological reality and was designed as a survival mechanism.

Go get your ears pierced and you will see what I mean. When you get ears pierced the first one is barely perceivable. However, the next one hurts quite a bit. Why? Because the brain was expecting pain; therefore, it reacted to the second experience with a concept of pain.

You think, “This will hurt,” and, therefore, you experience more pain. The tool is still the same. The pressure did not change. Reality is the same as with the first one; however, your brain constructs a concept of pain, so that’s what you get.

Your earlobes will heal within six weeks. But when you expect unpleasantness out of other life experiences, that’s what you will repeatedly get. In order to produce change, we must let go of a value system that constructs realities of pain and difficulty. This truth is evident in relationship dynamics as well.

The Loop: What We Think about Relationships Defines How We Experience Them

I want to make a disclosure about what you are about to read: taking responsibility for your thinking habits and how those affect what you expect from relationships does not mean that anything is your “fault.” It also should not be used to justify abuse.

Abuse is not justifiable. However, as a survivor of abuse, I can say from experience that it’s actually empowering to realize how much is in my power. I can change how I think, how I talk, how I perceive situations, and how I react to them. I can co-create my relationships.

I happened to grow up in a culture of fear. I grew up thinking work had to be hard, people had to be in a bad mood when they got home, marriages are meant to be hard, and you should not expect the best, ever; you needed to expect the worst.

I was married for almost eight years and got divorced a year ago. Since then, I’ve found myself making similar mistakes in the way I seek partners, and all of my relationships have ended up leaving me drained and resentful. But why? I was doing what I thought was supposed to be done: I was being of service in a relationship where one person needed to be saved and I could be their savior.

There are so many memes out there with the phrase “You saved me” phrase on them. It’s supposed to be romantic! Well, that did not go so well for me. It bred unhealthy and unbalanced relationships, and an environment of codependence that led to pain for both people.

So I went on a quest for my own healing and discovered why I was constantly trying to save the people I date (more on this later). Finally, I was ready to get out there again. But this time, there was no saving involved. Because I was ready for a healthy relationship. I was at peace.

I went on a first date with a wonderful man I’d met on a dating app. Before leaving, I called a friend to share how excited I was. She suggested that I calm down, keep “low expectations,” and keep my guard up. I decided not to follow that advice. It comes from a place of good intentions, but it’s really a chain of fear.

On a vibrational level, to act that way would not allow me to attract my highest good. On a practical level, it would set me up to not look for the best in this person, which would produce a reality where I would be unable to see it even if it hit me in the face.

I went in there with the same attitude I approach everything currently: at peace. No negative or positive expectations. Just being in the present moment.

I ended up having the best date of my entire life and building a deep connection with my now-partner.

We cheat ourselves out of wonder if we tiptoe around in life afraid to get hurt. We must be strong and self-confident to allow ourselves to expect goodness. I did not get here right away. It does take practice to make progress. But it really doesn’t have to be considered an “impossible” in our brains.

How to Hijack Your Way Out of the Loop and Start Flowing Upward!

These are some of the things that helped me heal and rewire my brain before I finally downloaded the dating app, posted a cute picture of myself, and hoped only for the best.

1. Observe your thoughts. What are they based on? Which beliefs no longer serve you?

A tool that helped me greatly in this step was John Bradshaw’s book Home Coming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child, which includes exercises to heal past experiences. This releases the brain to freely create new constructs and prevents us from staying on a loop.

I was having trouble as an adult voicing my needs. I would be terrified and would be physically unable to communicate what I needed.

During my work with myself I discovered that when I was four years old, I was so terrified of being physically and emotionally abused by my caregivers that when I was hungry, I would not dare voice that need. I have memories of hiding in a cabinet eating raw rice from a bag in order to feed myself without being a “bad girl” and bothering my caregivers.

I recognized then that this was why I fell into a pattern of focusing on my partners’ needs and trying to save them: I was expecting that it would be painful if I voiced what I needed.

So, I recognized the source of the problem, now what?

2. Release the vibrational memory of emotional baggage.

Once you recognize the roots it will be time to release their emotional baggage. That way you won’t be triggered by old stuff in your new relationship. In other words, you won’t fall into the same old patterns because you’re driven by emotions from the past.

There are many ways to release emotional baggage, including meditation, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) tapping, Mental Emotional Release (MER) therapy, and journaling. Explore, experiment, and find what works for you.

I went to an Emotional Release Body Balance therapy specialist. It’s the best investment I’d ever made in my life.

I also engaged in regular cleansing rituals with sage at home.

Finally, I used release affirmations and prayers daily. One that especially worked for me was a Unity prayer that states: “I release from me all energies that are contrary to what I am creating for myself. I cut them off and release them to the Universe to transform into beneficial forms of energy. I now fill myself with love, peace, and perfect health.”

Okay, I am no longer controlled by emotions from my painful past, what’s next?

3. Learn new skills.

This is the ongoing step. It requires our willingness to learn new skills. New thoughts. New ways of communicating, new brain constructs about relationships, and new ways of having faith in ourselves and others. In my case, this meant learn to voice my needs instead of stifling myself in fear.

To accomplish this, I attended virtual classes. I enrolled in a communication workshop and practiced those skills. It was just like learning how to read: practice, review, assess, practice again. You will need support here. Someone to practice with. I do so with my best friend. We exchange notes and debrief with one another.

The skills you need to learn will depend on what you ascertained about your beliefs and expectations and what pattern you fell into as a result of them. It doesn’t matter if you attend classes, read books, practice with friends, or join a support group. What matters is that you do something to learn and strengthen the skills that will help you break your pattern.

But… why?!

Now, why go through all this? Baby, ‘cause you are worth it! Plus, there is no magical soul mate in the Universe who will heal your low self-worth concepts and create positive expectations of healthy relationships in your brain.

You either do the work you need to complete on yourself before you get out there, or you will be stuck in an ongoing loop of pain, with a list of exes that turn out the be the same dog with a different collar, calling them “toxic” instead of owning your own need for growth.

I’m rooting for you. I bless your journey. The best is already within you. What you want in a partner is out there looking for you as well. May you find each other at the right time and may you have the skills to enjoy your union. Ashe!*

*Ashe is a West African philosophical concept through which the Yoruba of Nigeria conceive the power to make things happen and produce change.

This post courtesy of Tiny Buddha.

from World of Psychology http://bit.ly/2KlBdWY via IFTTT

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