#iylo meta

[toburnup]

howdy viooooo! As I was reading “the eye” I was wondering if your process has changed since beginning iylo? Each chapter maintains a sense of the whole, and yet they’re all so different. I’m still in awe, and am hoping you could reflect a bit on being closer to the end of the story than the beginning.

ahh this has been at the back of my mind since i received it - a fucking good and challenging question!!!

the biggest change overall in the chapters themselves is the pacing, and that really impacts how i write. more than i realized.

the first arc (hawkins) is very slow moving, it's all about them getting to know each other. the vignette style lent itself well because steve and eddie were having these fragmented interactions. they were involved but not actually integrated into each others lives even though they were spending a significant amount of time together.

in the original draft, the hawkins portion was very short (just a brief fwb-style fling). the story was always about the move to the city and the subsequent years. but then i ended up expanding on the hawkins portion, but even so, that always felt like i was writing about the past.

the second arc (the city) and specifically where we are now, feels like the present for them. they're fully part of each others lives, they have overlapping social groups, they spend free time together by choice. but that also means i can't just... skip weeks at a time like i did before, not without feeling like i'm skipping important moments. each conversation feels like it's developing something rather than healing and i'm like !! AHHH ! struggling with that a bit.

re: process, the chapters are taking significantly longer to finish. the chapters themselves are covering less time, but there's still plenty happening. they're having full conversations because they're finally starting to understand each other, so i don't feel like i can chop them up as i used to. early-iylo steve was pretty focused on himself, and he tended to notice what was important/relevant to him and nothing else, and now he's noticing more things outside of that, so conversations are LONGER because he's actually paying attention lmao.

i never anticipated this to be a year-long project, but i really appreciate people sticking with it. on getting closer to the end... i'm scared, but i think that's normal. i'm scared people are losing interest, but like. that's the nature of fandom. and i'm determined to finish this fic no matter what, even if i'm just writing for a handful of people by the end.

still can't believe this started as a oneshot. it's nearly at 200k now. oops.

#is your light on #steddie fanfiction #vio answers #drwatsonsjournal #thank you for this!! #iylo meta

[toburnup]

omg I just read the new iylo chapter and I'm going crazy about it. like I was not expecting to feel so emotional?? all that build-up definitely culminated in something really sweet and nerve wracking and awkward (and hot!), you pulled that off completely!!! I felt like I was in it, like why am I so nervous about this? am I about to have sex?

I worry about eddie though bc when steve tells him he loves him (he does right??) he's gonna combust on the spot I think... I really love the way you showed us in these last few chapters how much this is affecting eddie, he's all smiles and confidence (from steve's pov) but then he stops while they're making out on the bed or during the film to just look at steve and his ears go red when steve kisses him with the kids in the other room, and he's nervous and fidgety in the car and hides his face, it's so fucking endearing idk

and then that vulnerability of admitting that he hasnt done it sober in a while and how he's worried and nervous bc he wants to make it good for steve (also hot) and doesn't know what to say during it (was he trying to focus and not come on the spot? maybe so) i feel like in his head it's just been like 'what the fuck what the fuck how is this real'

and once steve realises just how much eddie enjoys to make it good for steve then what?

also loved the unintentional 'coming back to your hometown with your partner to visit your parents' stage of their relationship and it was so funny seeing eddie kinda embarassed about wayne's lady friend

i'm sorry I feel like that meme where one person (me) is shouting and crying about something (your fic) at the other (you) just trying to chill on the couch? 😭

anyway i love you and your mind

hahaha THANK YOU, i appreciate this so much lmao. lots of build up can be tricky w/ sex scenes, because having sex can get rid of the tension. but i think it was really important for steve to have an emotional breakthrough and for that scene to solidify that for him.

yeaaah eddie was... on the brink during that whole scene. he has some hangups about his own sexuality (very different from steve's) and so he was going through his own shit at the time. it can be scary realizing you're about to fuck someone you've had so much history with, and the fear that you've built it up so much in your head that it won't be how you want it to be.

listen...... i am not chilling on the couch, i'm on the edge of my seat, frantically waiting for feedback hahaha. i agonized over this chapter (in an enjoyable way). i was very much channeling the "i want to make this good for you" at anyone reading it, so. your message is encouraging and i can't wait to do it all again next time :)

#is your light on #iylo meta #this is a fun message. thank you #feeling loved #vio answers #long post

[toburnup]

So i'm doing a little iylo rereading in between updates and I noticed something interesting in chapter 3. It's when Steve offers to give Eddie a blow job and Eddie just completely reels back.

And I noticed it because at this point in the story, Steve is offering bc he thinks Eddie feels crappy and lonely. And Eddie's like "no you're not going to do that to make me feel better."

But then in later chapters when Steve is talking about being lonely, Eddie's like "Oh I have sex to help with that" and Steve's the one that's like wtf?!?!?

Was this intentional to show how their roles have, in a way, been reversed? Or is it just a way of making Steve jealous? Is Eddie consciously doing it because of this interaction from '87 (like to throw back in his face or bc he was like "hm maybe steve was onto something")? And if so, is he finally crossing the threshold of becoming physical with steve just another instance of satiating some loneliness?

I'm excited to see whether or not this will create some friction between them. Because while I enjoy a happy ending, I'm just a slut for a little jealousy, pining, and misunderstanding along the way.

heheheeeee good catch. it's intentional! i guess i was trying to show, in part, how eddie's relationship to sex (and steve, as well as sex with steve) has changed.

that first bj offer was hard for eddie to hear because he couldn't really believe that steve was offering because he wanted to. he saw steve's offer as like... a purely physical, 'let me help you out' thing.

and now, eddie has had more experiences outside of him. and he's like, able to be more objective in his advice (as unhelpful as it is) to steve. early iylo eddie never would've suggested that to steve even if he believed it, because that would've killed him.

i won't get into it too much beyond that just because it starts to get into their mindset in upcoming chapters, but. intimacy is tough! eddie ended up being pretty vulnerable when they were in hawkins. it's steve's turn :)

#is your light on #iylo meta #vio answers

[toburnup]

In one of your asks you mentioned that it’s hard to ask someone to tie your shoelaces for you when experiencing chronic pain. Is there any specific headcanons/moments you have for Steddie regarding that? Do you think before Eddie moved from Hawkins, he would’ve asked Steve to help him with stuff like that or would he not have been ready to open up like that?

wow, i am getting some really great questions today!! damn.

the shoelaces one is a recurring moment because it's quite literally one of them getting onto their knees for the other, helping them do something that is one of the early markers of becoming independent (as a child). it comes up again with steve zipping up eddie's jacket, although when he does it later on, eddie lashes out because he's seeing it as an extension of steve's pity rather than an act of service.

i don't think eddie would've asked outright steve for that stuff. it was hard enough for him to accept things like steve getting him water. but - the caveat is that eddie wants to be able to, deep down. or wants their relationship to be at the point where he can ask for that (or! maybe to the point where he might not even need to ask?).

not sure what ch. this is from, but one of eddie's pov:

Eddie heats up soup and lets Steve pour it into two big bowls. Daydreams somewhere in the back of his mind about Steve making him food, taking care of him when he's sick. Cheesy stuff.

he lets steve pour the soup. idk. eddie is taking some cues from how wayne shows affection (by making food) and is projecting that onto his relationship with steve.

and, my favourite part of all, steve is slowly recognizing this dynamic. he's not at the point where he sees it for what it is, or even sees these actions as an act of love, but. he's starting to see how eddie cares (or has cared) for him and that's huge.

#steve remembering eddie bringing him crackers in bed #and then steve making eddie toast #offering food is a love language all on its own #iylo meta #is your light on #vio answers #steddie

[toburnup]

this is random but one of the (many) things i really loved in the latest iylo chapter was steve going to eddie's room to 'help him get ready' that whole scene felt so intimate in such a real way!!!! it made me miss that feeling of being that close and comfortable with someone. the ability you have of evoking such specific memories/feelings/experiences is unreal! idek if i'm making any sense but i hope you never stop writing bc you're a genius, genuinely. <3

yesss okay that scene is pivotal in its own way! steve is acting (openly) flirty with intention. like, that's steve making it clear that he wants something from eddie. that he's into him. there's really no way to misinterpret what he's saying.

steve had early flirtier moments (in his bedroom after the spin the bottle night, a few lines in the trailer), but even those were partially about him looking for eddie's reaction. or laying it on extra thick because eddie was holding back. but this is steve just wanting to make out with him and trying to get some alone time. the good kind of selfish.

thank you for sending this!! <3

#iylo meta #vio answers

[toburnup]

doesn't seem like this has been asked publicly yet (or i'm blind. 50/50 shot) but i'd love to hear your own thoughts on the famed cupcakes bit from last chap if you're into it!

THE FAMED CUPCAKES BIT

well. like many relationship problems, it's not really about the cupcakes.

steve's not particularly caught up on the kind of masculinity eddie is poking at. he doesn't have any real hangups about baked goods, he happily baked cookies in a previous chapter, said the thing about the brownies.

being back in hawkins (together) is forcing both of them to confront what they used to be and what they are now.

this moment isn't one that would necessarily register for eddie like it does steve. eddie's general air of silliness here is him being comfortable. but it asks a hard-hitting question (in steve's mind), and is probably one of the the more straightforward (hah) comments eddie has made about steve's sexuality.

this is the same grocery store where steve and hannah ran into eddie before. this grocery store is like... the site of The Perception of Steve Harrington's Gayness. i think if eddie and steve had a similar interaction but were in steve's apartment, steve would've laughed.

the question - is this too faggy for you? - is one steve has been able to ask himself in private, has (finally) found the answer to, has even contended with in public in the context of the gay bar. back in hawkins, it's a different story.

but in the end, he buys the cupcakes.

(and then there's the whole process of steve being the one to make the cupcakes in his ex gf's house of all places. transforming the mix into something that's accepted by the people around him. and helps facilitate his reconnection with lucas, who saw steve at a pretty low part of his time in hawkins and now he's sharing his problems with steve.)

#also i really wanted to have eddie say faggy in the hawkins grocer #what a fun way to put your crush on the spot #is eddie the cupcake? their relationship? steve's acceptance of himself??? idk #is your light on #iylo meta #phoeniceae #vio answers

[toburnup]

soemthing that sticks out to me in ilyo is the amount of times eddie’s said something like “don’t look at me like that” to steve and I can’t help but think about how often steve’s face betrays his emotions snd eddie can just see right through him. do you hc eddie as being able to hide his emotions better than steve or is just that eddie can read steve easily?

good question!! and yes, eddie can hide his emotions better, but doesn't always. he has more control over his face in general. steve tends to let show what he's thinking - especially if it's something like annoyance/anger/sadness. eddie thinks he can read steve really well, but his success rate is lower than he thinks.

from eddie's pov:

Eddie shifts on his feet. Doesn't know what the hell is happening, just that Margaret Harrington seems to know more than she's letting on and Eddie can't read her for shit. Apparently poker faces aren't hereditary. Steve telegraphs his words. His mom gives him nothing.

and there's also the scene where they play poker and eddie talks about his poker face only being rivalled by wayne's 🥰

#iylo meta #is your light on #vio answers #steddie

[toburnup]

hii can you tell more about the title of chp 10?

ahh panopticon!

a panopticon prison is when there's a single guard tower overlooking a large number of cells. if the windows are blacked out, there's no way to tell if you're being watched or not.

The authority changes from being a limited physical entity to being an internalized omniscience - the prisoners discipline themselves simply because someone might be watching, eliminating the need for more physical power to accomplish the same task. (x)

and then foucault, brilliant/annoying as he was, was like. HMMMM how can i intellectualize this! and he connected it to the idea that all citizens self-police our behaviour even when no one is watching. that we have strict ideas of socially expected (and acceptable) behaviour. and i'm a queer theory bitch and i wrote a paper on the panopticon in school, so ofc i have to bring it into my fics lmaoo.

panopticon theory has informed how i've written steve, who is overly aware of his behaviour and how it's perceived by people around him. and beyond that, he self-polices his behaviour (and his thoughts!) as if he's being constantly watched. his idea of acceptable behaviour is also closely linked to heteronormative standards — like what would a straight guy do or think in this situation? even though no one is really watching him that closely.

it comes up in a lot of ways in ch 10 especially. he sits on the bus and looks around him, trying to figure out if he can see gay men from sight alone. for steve, a big part of being in the closet is adhering to specific social standards that he holds himself to, and not necessarily ones that other people would be holding him to. it's coming from the Self 💙 which is painful to untangle, but he's getting there.

#cw prisons #cw police #the age old question #is it anxiety or the panopticon #is your light on #is this meta? it feels meta #vio answers #iylo meta

[toburnup]

Okay bestie for the dvd commentary ask- the latest chapter of IYLO!!

"Hm." Steve tilts his head, examines the side of Tommy's face. It's so dark inside the car that he can barely see him, and Tommy looks nervous. Maybe because it's just them.

"Why're you so scared, man?" Steve says softly, watches Tommy swallow in his seat. "You're the one that brought us here."

"Wasn't my idea."

The silence stretches. Steve approaches the line once more. He forgot what it was like to be around someone who can't hurt him, thinks he could squash Tommy if he really wanted to. If he was still that kind of person.

"It's not like Carol ever cared."

"Not about that, no." Tommy says, and Steve slides in. Drunk. He only feels it when he nearly rests his chin on Tommy's shoulder, body warm, the imprint of Meghan's fingers against his chest.

"She thought it was funny when we kissed that time." And the times after that.

Honestly I’m not a great Reader like it takes me a little while to get shit so it took me a while to pick up on HOW much IYLO (ie like… all of it) is Steve working though heavily ingrained homophobia or just accepting the reality of his sexuality and then I went back to reread bc the first time round I was like “oh it’s just friends to lovers” but no there’s like a lot that you bake in to every scene and subtlety I LOVE but that’s all just me fangirling ANYWAY I would love to hear all about your personal thoughts for the implied stommy and fucking around they did and the impact you think it has/had on their (including Carol’s) dynamic, the full extent of what their situation was (if it’s not like.. spoilers for future scenes!) and Tommy’s whole deal in it as well! It’s like 6 am idk if I’m making sense hahaha neway LOVE u love the chapter every email I get telling me you’ve updated is like Christmas!! 💋

ooooh so you're almost having your own slow-burn with IYLO <3 i love it. i'm trying to write it in such a way that it will be a fun one to reread!

and yesss, the stommy of it all. you're not the only person with this question!! i got a comment with a line like 'what the hell is the nature of tommy/carol/steve's relationship' and like. yes. i have not made it clear in the slightest. which is part of the fun, because now we get to talk about all the things lurking beneath the surface!!

it's not a spoiler for things later on, because i think tommy has served his purpose (? i feel mean) in steve's narrative at this point.

iylo meta below the cut. apologies in advance for how messy this is, i'm just writing stream of consciousness:

i've written tommy as bisexual and carol as straight. and as for the dynamic, if they were older and they weren't all toxic about it, i think they would be able to hook up but only in specific situations.

getting ahead of myself. in terms of background, this is what i'm thinking - in high school, the dynamic is tommy attempting to remain close to steve as steve starts breaking free of their familiar mold. steve is clinging to his identity as someone with social power (but in the context of high school politics). and the high school aspect is important because they are young when this is all going down. it's confusing, not clearly defined, and so i don't think they have a cut and dry answer for what their friendship looks like behind closed doors.

steve and tommy were childhood besties, and then in early HS years, tommy gets a gf, starts spending all his time with her. it makes sense that steve ends up tagging along, perhaps bringing whatever girl he's dating. or not. maybe it's just him.

tommy and carol have one of many arguments, and then steve and carol end up drunkenly making out. steve tells tommy later, but surprise surprise, tommy doesn't really care. and carol calls steve a pussy to his face for telling him. it's weird.

steve realizes he's being used (by carol). so. he does what he does best. coaxes tommy into a kiss when it's just the two of them, waits for tommy to bring that back to carol. steve never gets confirmation that he does tell her - carol doesn't let that slip for a long time - but it's something that keeps on happening.

so....... i suppose i have written stommy as being a side effect of a steve and carol power play. but carol is much more invested in maintaining it than steve is (like how she makes out with tommy after having him drive them to ~lookout point~). and that bothers her. because at the end of the day, it's steve who was calling the shots with the three of them. and now he doesn't even care enough to keep doing it.

carol was PISSED at steve prior to chapter 7 (hence the chilly exchange at his birthday party). the double date is a continuation of carol's own mission lol. she tells tommy to call steve up and go on a double date, she picks out the girl. but the flaw here is that steve isn't as 'tuned in' as he was before and doesn't even see that for what it is, and so carol has to throw it in his face. and that's also the big reason steve doesn't have any intention of sleeping with meghan - she's pretty much a pawn in carol's game, and steve fucking her would pretty much be carol fucking steve (sorry meg).

so, yes. i think that's the biggest conflict between carol and steve. carol doesn't give a shit that steve and tommy have this Thing between them, but she hates that tommy listens to steve.

steve and tommy have the foundation of an actual friendship, pre-carol. carol and steve do not have that same foundation. so even though steve is was in control, without tommy, they have nothing.

isn't writing fun?

[fanfiction dvd commentary ask game]

#jfc reading this over like 🤨 #but hopefully this makes sense #is your light on #stommy #steve/tommy/carol #reminds self that this is a steddie fic and this is Not The Point #(but it is. all of it is the point. this is all part of how steve became who he is!!) #king steve. may he rest in peace #vio answers #ask game #iylo meta

[toburnup]

Vio, could you give me a look into Eddie’s head during the moment where Steve remembers what was missing from the drawing of the trailer?👀 Idk why but it stuck to me and i thought maybe it would be in Eddie’s chapter but since it’s not I thought I’d ask you here hehe. Bc I imagine it was one more proof for Eddie that Steve noticed a lot back then even tho it looked like he didn’t

ooh that's an interesting one!

eddie has a good memory. he likes the card game, he's good at remembering faces, where things belong (he didn't forget steve's birthday, he really doesn't know it - he only knows the approximate time, as steve's birthday party was held after the fact back in hawkins).

similar to how they traded "remember when..." tidbits from their high school days, steve is showing - unselfconsciously - that he noticed eddie. and this is an especially nice moment as the bubble of recognition expands beyond eddie but to eddie's old home as well.

would eddie see it like that in the moment? i'm not sure. he'd probably be a little peeved that steve remembered that and eddie didn't (about his own home!! how embarrassing!!). keep in mind that steve plays it off ("you know my place pretty well" / "i remember shit like that") so. i don't think eddie would recognize it for what it is.

#is your light on #iylo meta #good good question #vio answers #steddie

[toburnup]

okay rereading iylo (which I haven’t done since i’ve just been keeping up with chapters)

ANYWAYS i’m on the fcking floor at the comparison of steph pulling robins belt loop while they’re walking… and then steVE DOING THE SAME THING WITH EDDIE in a chapter 10. Especially since that’s the first thing he sees steph/robin do which shows they’re more than friends…

it can be something so personal…

!!!! aw, i love that moment. it's one of those early iterations of steve taking what he sees happening in romantic relationships and attempting to use to bridge the gaps in his own relationships.

#i hope the reread is going well!!! #thelightcrystal #vio answers #is your light on #iylo #iylo meta

[toburnup]

Is it horrible that I feel like Eddie is being too mean to Steve? That comment about Eddie not knowing when Steve was coming around really grinded my gears because it’s not like Eddie was putting a lot of effort in either. maybe I’m just a Steve girly but I wish someone would TRY for him, everyone knowing what his parents are like and then not even making an effort?

it's not horrible! i think you can feel for both of them.

ooooh iylo meta deep-dive below, CW for mention of suicide and self harm

from eddie's perspective, he was in a pretty dark place. he was seriously considering suicide and/or self-harm (the SH was less explicit, "thumb pressed to the vein that Eddie has spent too many minutes of his life staring at") prior to the relationship. he couldn't drive, had trouble walking ("I could barely move, you were... I don't know. Figuring shit out.")

so for steve, eddie's static nature worked in his favour - eddie was (almost) always there when he stopped by. eddie never knew when steve would show up next. maybe it's a small thing, but eddie was pretty fixated on that fact. steve had complete control over their meetings and he never acknowledged that.

the other big thing to consider is the kind of care that steve needs in this situation. eddie's physical trauma, while intense, was easier for steve to interpret and help with on a surface level - tying his shoes, helping him move around, being physically gentle with him (and... other stuff). whereas steve's emotional hurt is a bit harder to get at. steve is learning to be more emotionally vulnerable, as is eddie, and that will make it easier for that disconnection to find resolution.

steve's big hangup is not asking for help. he Does Not Do That. he tries to interpret what people need and help that, without asking, which isn't always the best path.

all this rambling to say, i don't think it's a side you land on one way or the other. like with any relationship, if you add up the times someone was hurt and the times someone was comforted, the numbers will never be even. there's a push and pull and steve's gotta find his way through it (and he will!)

#is your light on #vio answers #steddie #cw: suicide #cw: self harm #iylo meta

[toburnup]

I’m still fucked up about misinterpreting Steve saying “didn’t know if you thought of me as your boyfriend” to him fishing around for Eddie to claim him, to prove he wanted him around. He was always pointing out that he couldn’t tell if Eddie wanted him there and I thought he was looking for Eddie to say something, stop him going off to find someone else to date. But he was just trying to downplay what they had, make it not real bc of his internalized homophobia, Vio I’m unwelllll. No wonder Eddie’s low key relishing in torturing him lol. Oh is it tomorrow yet? I’m rereading the last two chapters so everything is fresh in my mind again 🥰

OOOOOH okay, that's like. very interesting!! that original interpretation is definitely more sympathetic to steve, which 😭 i get. but i'll get into it a bit —

it was definitely a cruel comment. below-the-belt. like, not only downplaying their relationship, but putting eddie in the position where he'd be stupid to see it as anything more (and honestly, what can eddie say to it other than 'no i didn't').

more iylo meta below:

if you consider the exchange that directly precedes it - steve tells him he wants to start dating, and then:

Steve waits for Eddie to say yes, because that would help in some way. Eddie doesn't say anything at all. Just smokes and rubs his knuckle against the seam of the couch. Acts like Steve isn't there. Talking to him.

and we know that steve hates being ignored, lol.

"Why would it bother me?" Eddie finally says, and Steve frowns.

steve is kinda pissed because he's not in control of the situation, and eddie turned the question back on him. so steve whips out the boyfriend comment. he was trying to hurt eddie - i don't think he'd put too much thought into the boyfriend thing before this conversation.

it's one of his meaner moments 💙

#is your light on #iylo meta #vio answers #lostinadmiration

[toburnup]

Hii, I have a question for the dvd commentary game!

In this scene from Eddie’s chapter,

«How fucking bored are you?" Eddie asks, after Steve has come in his mouth and is laying back, breathing slow.

Steve slowly opens his eyes, glazed and sleepy. Voice syrupy. "What d'you mean?”

does Eddie mean it in a “how bored are you that you’re here with me” kind of way? I basically asked with Steve when I was reading it, like wait what, what does it mean😭

ooooohohohoho, sneaky eddie asking questions to a post-orgasm steve.

in the context of the story, this is happening right after an argument. or more specifically, right after an incident where eddie feels rejected. that's a really important framing for his mindset.

in the same scene from steve's pov, this is how steve sees it:

It doesn't take long. Steve isn't sure, but it seems like Eddie's trying to last - has his fists screwed up in the sheets, one of his legs keeps twitching from where it's trapped underneath Steve's stomach - but his little pants get faster and faster.

when it's actually the exact opposite:

[Eddie's] almost too upset to enjoy it properly and he has to close his eyes and think about nothing until Steve makes him come.

so eddie asking "how fucking bored are you?" - it's a reaction to him and steve not being on the same page. he doesn't feel seen by steve. and if you think about the answer to the question - if steve had answered it - think about what would mean.

the opposite of bored? interested. engaged. excited.

"no, i'm not bored at all. i want to be here. i'm interested in you."

it's eddie's roundabout way of asking if steve is interested in him, if steve really wants to be there. because at that moment, eddie can't tell.

[fanfiction dvd commentary track]

#is your light on #ask game #vio answers #steddie #iylo meta

[toburnup]

I’m not really a person to cry at much and I’m not 100% sure why I did but the new IYLO chapter had me in tears. It’s so sort of satisfying to see Eddie drop by Steve’s whenever he wants with such brief warning but the ending, the wanting to know what happened and then changing his mind, the physically facing it but not mentally just made me cry. Everyone at some point thinks it’s possible to befriend someone they once dated (or slept with) and that sort of awkward tension that doesn’t settle ugh you write it so well (enough to make grown men cry)

!!! ahh! thank you! while it's not my goal to make people cry, i do love that people have had emotional reactions to my writing!! like. the idea that i can make someone feel some sort of way? oof.

writing iylo? has made me cry twice, and chapter 8 was one of the times (and we haven't gotten to the other chapter yet hehehe). spoilers for ch 8 below!!

for some reason, writing the scene after steve eats lunch with wayne and eddie - when he goes into his car and has a panic attack - made me tear up. which was unexpected.

it's surprising because i don't typically cry while i write, as well as it doesn't feel like an emotional climax of that chapter. but idk, i'm someone who struggles with feeling like i'm a decent or lovable human and there's something terrifying about sitting across the table from someone and realizing they don't see you as evil. the act of offering food - symbolizing love and care - just hit me as i wrote.

food as love is a recurring (but minor) motif in iylo and it's one of my favourites. the gift of caramels. wayne giving eddie two servings because he's worried about his weight. wayne inviting steve to eat with them (contrasted with steve sitting with his mom at the same table, not eating together). idk i just love shit like that.

#is your light on #on writing #vio answers #iylo meta

[toburnup]

Hi I forget if this is mentioned. Does Terry's bf have a little bit of a thing for Eddie? Ik Eddie said that he's attracted to Steve but it seems possible it applies to him as well

hmmm it's one of those things where i left breadcrumbs as a possibility, but i don't think it's strictly one way or the other. apologies to terry's bf, but he really doesn't have much of a personality - picture him to be a very tall himbo-type who is down bad for his gf. he'd do anything for her, and is a cuddly drunk, so he and eddie are physically very affectionate.

#i think it was gil who i was more upfront about being attracted to steve #the main point is that their household is very very gay #iylo meta #vio answers